baseball!

BILF of the week

So I was inspired by Melissa from A Wide Line to refer blogs that I like every week.  Because that nice girl referred my dorky old lame old excuse for a blog last week!  That was so awesome and it momentarily made me feel like a hot shot.  I always kind of feel like my blog is dumb and rather boring and uninteresting, but you know, it's really nice to get some love from someone out there, somewhere.  Ooh, that just made me think of that song by Fivel, Somewhere Out There. You know, from that Disney movie Fivel Goes West or something?  Actually I don't necessarily think it was by Fivel, just maybe Fivel sang it.  Because we all know that a mouse can't write his own music.  Obviously.

ANYway, being that Melissa inspired me refer some of my favorite blogs out there, pretty much immediately BILF came to mind because, you know, it's similar to to a MILF. Mostly in regards to the love I feel for the blogs that I'd potentially refer if I was super comfy about referring things.   Except of course BILF stands for BLOG I'd like to F(orward), F(ollow), F(arm out), F(eel up), F(ondle),  F(reak)-out over... you get the gist.  Any of those F words work.  Feel free to substitute your own F word.  I know, I know - you were all expecting me to say Blog I'd Like to Eff, or Felate or something, but I tricked you and went all clean, didn't I?  Where are your minds anyway?  It's too early in the morning to be in the gutter.

Ah, it's never too early in the morning to be in the gutter.  I like the gutter.  It's fun there.  Especially in the morning.  Maybe I really did mean Blog I'd Like to eff.  I'll never tell.

So without further ado, I'm going to refer the blog thebeardediris, written by Leslie/Iris.  I'm sure you've already heard of it.  Because you know, if you haven't, where have you been?  I feel like pretty much everyone has heard of it.  I can't believe that I just found it.

Since I just started reading her, I don't think I'd mention that I'm referring her TO her, because you know, we haven't formed a bloggish type of friendship at this point.  I've just been lovingly stalking her blog.  I don't even know for sure if I have even commented yet.  But trust me, if you haven't been there, go there.  She is beyond hilarious.  No joke.

I suppose it all comes down to what you like to read.  Mostly I like reading humorous mom-type blogs mostly.  I appreciate humor.  And I appreciate moms with humor.  Particularly inappropriate humor.  Because inside I am sometimes a 12 year old boy.

Also, don't forget to check out Melissa at A Wide Line!  She's totally a cool cat, young and funny - you'll like her.  AND I think she lives in the Bay A, which is my new favorite place ever!  I wanna be her friend.  Does that sound weird?  If so, pretend I didn't say it.

wtf. cookie dough, sexy shoulders, supermodels and camel toes

A bunch of misc things:

*Remember that time I was all, wtf blogger??  That was back when blogger lost several of my unfinished and unposted posts out there somewhere and I was semi-freaking and peeved because one or two of them may have actually been entertaining, informative and/or interesting.  Or not.  But whatever.  Uh, still pissed about that blogger, because I'm pretty sure I never got those posts back...

But ANYWAY, so like, is it just me or did blogger go and change everything without mentioning it?  Like seriously, wtf?  I feel confused.  I don't like change when I don't ask for it.  I don't want to go all Facebook-timeline postal or anything, but man... can't I have a choice?  How about a heads up at least?  I don't like it.  I'm sure I'll get used to it and get over it, but I am not digging it at the moment.

*I am so in the mood to make cookie dough and eat it right now...  better yet, how about you make me a batch of cookie dough, then I'll come over, and when I get there we will have a slow motion hug and eat the whole damn bowl like the ravenous sloths we are.

*Also, guess what?  I went to the movies this afternoon - yes, by myself - no, I don't mind, I kind of enjoy it.  I got popcorn with butter and Raisinets and a blue frosty.  It was all very exciting.  Spending $20 bucks on a movie and movie food wasn't very exciting, but just going and eating crappy junk food was.  I went to see a new release movie that got sucky reviews.  Can you guess what it was?  What if I mention that it was a total girl movie and the guy lead is so very, very appealing, in a 25 year old ridiculously HOT kid kind of way...

Yep, it was The Lucky One.  I'm not sure about reviewing it here - I hate to give my opinion on movies and books actually.  In fact, I'm not a big fan of endorsing much of anything.  Like, what if I say, it was so great! Go see/read/eat/look at it!  and everyone is like, really?  she has the lamest taste ever!  All I will say is this, throughout the movie I was constantly asking myself, "What did he just say?"  because I couldn't hear him over how awesome his beard is.  I am so attracted to a cute beard.  And beautiful abs.  And sexy shoulders...  OK ok!  Moving on.

*I recently read this article where Elle McPherson (the 50-year-old supermodel) said that she stresses over trying on bathing suits in stores, so instead of trying them on there, she has them shipped to her.  I was like, huh.  She is amazingly attractive, still totally rocking a supermodel bod.  It's so funny to think of a women who like, 98% of the public thinks is perfect, has fears about what she looks like.  I mean, I absolutely abhor trying on bathing suits - abhor even wearing them in fact, but I am so far removed from looking nice in a bathing suit that it's understandable.  Elle McPherson feeling self conscious is just crazy talk.

*I just want to point out how shocking it is the way people will answer a door these days.  If you drop by and I answer the door in skin tight leggings with a camel toe, or a sheer t-shirt with no bra, please slap my face.  I don't care if you come over unannounced.  There is no excuse for such a thing.  Like, ever.

OK, I'm done.

you googled that?? v2

I love checking out what google searches brought people to my blog.  It's so funny, and so... fucked up.

Apparently I am the expert of hipsterism.  Who knew?  I guess people are very concerned with hipsters, and this post was by far the most popular that I've ever written, I have had literally thousands and thousands of hits on that page.  Shocking, right? 

These are my all time top searches, the ones that brought them to what I like to refer to as the most Awesomest Famous Hipster post evahhh: 

hipster
hipster fucks
fucking hipsters
asshole hipster
how to tell if your partner is a hipster
my friend is a hipster dick
how do you know that you are not a hipster
dark hipster
fake hipsters
hipster rocker
can hipsters be gay?

Damn.  You people are really obsessed with hipsters.

And then we have these gems:

my husband's boss is handsome.  Huh.  I like my husband's boss a lot, but he is an old guy, like a grandpa (not that there's anything wrong with that).  And I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned him on my blog.

three year olds with big boobs.  OK.  Well that's fucked up.  Really?  (a) I don't get why that directed someone to my blog, and (b) Huh?

sore core.  Alright, I get this one.  I wrote this post about trying yoga and how hard it sucks and how I had such a sore core and then I skipped yoga and just went to damnyouautocorrect.com because I was in a shit mood.

wtf walt disney.  I also get this one, because I wrote a post titled WTF Walt Disney about how every Disney movie is scary and potentially damaging to the fragile little psyches of our kids.

brick banana.  Whenever I see the word brick, I think of Anchorman, and I was all wondering, did Ron Burgundy mention a banana in his pants in that hilarious erection scene?  But then I realized, no, no he didn't.  Because it was the pleats, the pleats in the pants, not a banana.  I wrote about a few completely different and unrelated things in this post, Brick from Anchorman happened to be one, and fruit flies on bananas happened to be another.

six degrees of monica lewinsky.  I like the six degrees to Kevin Bacon thing.  I think it's genius.  Somehow I got caught up in six degreeing myself to Monica Lewinsky, and it really worked!  It was very exciting.  Obviously.

crotchal region meaning.  It's good that people use the Internet to figure out terms and things that they don't understand.  Because before google, life was just way too exhausting to try to figure out.  But anyway, the crotchal region is a term that I kind of figured is self explanatory?  No?  Don't feel bad, blogger doesn't recognize it either.

xxx bungee sex bucket list.  Well hey.  What a good idea, a SEX Bucket list.  Why didn't I think of that??  I may actually have to write a mini-sex bucket list... hmmm... not sure if I could share it on the www though.  Unfortunately, this was just an innocent opposite bucket list post, not anything illicit or x-rated.  Sheesh.  You guys are a bunch of xxx porn pigs. 

So of course, there are tons more google search words and terms out there that seem to bring a lot of people to my blog.  Italian people really seem to like this blog, so like, Ciao!  Benvenuto! (that's for the Italians)  I also seem to get a ton of traffic from countries that I have never even heard of, and probably can't pronounce.  Weird.  Anyway, I'll post more of these google search things later.  Because I need to finish a few things before I have to be Mom.

11 questions

Questions, questions, questions.  Why are there always so many questions to answer??

If you met your favorite movie star and could say whatever you wanted to him or her in 140 characters or less, what would it be? (And who is the movie star?)  Well hm.  I suppose the first thing to address here would be who my favorite movie star is, and that's a toughie.  Because I don't have just one favorite.   But one movie star that I really like is Matt Damon.  So, in 140 characters or less I would say.  "Hi I love you and your cutie little smile and I really think Jason Bourne is the bomb and I loved the song you did with Sarah Silverman because you are hilarious and adorable and wanna kiss?"  That may or may not be 140 characters.  It looks about right, so I'm going with it.

What’s your dream?  Gosh, I have a lot of dreams.  Some are pretty unrealistic, and some are do-able.  But one dream that might sound a little lame is to see as much of the World with my own two eyes, in person, as possible. 

Ever had a scary parenting moment?  Um, absolutely.  I've had scary parenting moments (plural) with every single one of my kids.  Here is a sampling:  Kara:  Broke both wrists on a scooter, and while I was winning the shitty parent of the year award for not recognizing that they were both broken, I was feeling scared because I wasn't sure what it meant for normal growth after fractures.  Alex:  had his first allergic reaction to we don't know what, but I'm pretty sure it was a combination of new puppy and new spring growth in the air (trees, flowers, grass).  He was three and I was 9 months pregnant with Megan.  We were alone in the car and I looked in the rear view mirror and saw an unrecognizable kid - face completely swollen, no kidding, I've never seen anything like it.  I was so scared.  I rushed him to the nearest urgent care and they took one look at him and said "you need to bring him to the emergency room."  I was like, "YA THINK?!  Can someone please help me here??!"  I was in full blown panic mode.  Meg:  my accident prone kiddo - got hurt often enough for me to worry that the doctors were gong to think I was hurting her.  She burned her back on a grill - really bad, she burned two (cigar shaped) circles on her arm from wagon wheel noodles, that are actually scars several years later, she got a stick in the eye and scratched her cornea, she pulled her elbow out of her socket climbing AND she fell out of my truck landing on her HEAD for a nice trip to the ER.  Kid scared me often.  I swear I was not negligent.  Brookie:  Her birth scared me - I thought we were both going to die, and she was pretty darned close.  I had placenta abruptia, had to have an emergency c-section AND her cord was in a very tight knot, cutting off her oxygen.  The doctor said thank God that I had the emergency c-section because if we had waited the two days for the scheduled induction, chances were likely that she would have been stillborn from the lack of oxygen.  So very, very scary.

Something besides your children that you are proud of.  I am proud of a successful business that I started and ran locally.

What’s your favorite book? Why? My favorite changes constantly, and so do the genres.  I really liked A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.  I don't care about the whole Oprah/questionable memoir controversy thing at all.  I really want to read that again.

What’s in your fridge?  Like currently?  Everything?  How about a little sampling.  Skim Lactaid, 1% milk, 1 1/2 dozen eggs,  sugar free jello, International Delight Hazelnut creamer, Reddi-Whip, a pork loin, a bag of baby carrots, a case of seltzer...

Do you make your bed every day?  I do.  I hate it unmade.  The rest of the room can be messy, but I can't handle an unmade bed.  

Do your kids make theirs? Why/why not? I don't make them make their beds every day, I make them close their door. :)  I'll make their beds for them every once in a while, I know they are busy and they are kids and all - but they'll make it when I ask without much of a hassle.

What’s your best kid’s riddle or joke?  Where do Generals keep their armies?  Up their sleevies!   ahahhaha!  I am such a comedian.

Epidural or au natural?  Yeah, I've gone both of these routes (and the c-section route), and let me tell you how freaking insane labor with no drugs turned out to be.  Epidural, all the way. Suffering in pain for hours and hours and hours does not make you a better mom, I promise.  But if you can get through labor fine without it, go for it.

Ask your kids what they like about you and what bugs them about you and write it verbatim here.  Brooke: Um, I like you because you're you and you're a nice person and you take me everywhere and you're so pretty and I like your hair and clothes.  What bugs me about you?  Hm, that's a toughie, I have no clue!  Alex:  Um, I like that you care for me, you are a nice girl, pleasant to be around, you buy me clothes, you give me freedom.  Also, when you yell at me its easy to tune you out.  It bugs me that sometimes you won't treat me like a 15 year old, and sometimes you get annoying attitudes.  Meg: I like you, you're nice and a cool girl and you feed me, clothe me and house me.  It bugs me because sometimes you won't let me go to concerts and other times you aren't exactly the best at help with homework and also maybe once in a while you could let me have new friends over. 
I didn't get a chance to ask Kar this question, and I have to post.

Do you have any advice for Snooki?  Get out of reality TV.

monday listicle - books

So I've been reading this new to me blog, The Good Life, and it's fun and funny.  And guess what?  That Stasha does a feature thing that is called Monday Listicles.  There are different topics every Monday where you list ten things, then link up.  Well.  You all know how much I love lists.  So I have to participate.  Because, you know, it would be a crime if I passed up an opportunity to write a list and link it to other list writers and then like, love my list so hard.  So apparently this week's topic is Ten Books.

I remember being a little girl and making myself a spot behind the couch with blankets and pillows - a spot where I could read without my sisters bugging me.  I think my list will be of some of the books that I loved way back then.  Books that I read so, so many times that I could have recited passages off the cuff.  Books that absolutely nurtured my love of reading.


The first five were a few of my favorites when I was young, like in elementary school, and the next five were some favorites from when I was a teenager.  But really, it's a sampling, because I literally read a new book or re-read an old favorite as soon as I finished the one before it.

Anyway, have at it:


1.  The Boxcar Children, by Gertrude Chandler Warner.  I read this book over and over and over again.  It was probably one of my very favorites, like ever.  I got it out of the library every single week.  I may have even gotten a tear in my eye when my daughter Meg read (and loved) it.  She's my reader.

2.  Ramona, by Beverly Cleary.  I read every single Ramona book, I loved that character - I just remember thinking she was hilarious, and I couldn't wait to find out what she'd do next.  I'm pretty sure I read every Beverly Cleary book out there.

3.  Blubber, by Judy Blume.  Poor Linda, the other girls were so mean.  I also read every single Judy Blume book, most were pretty enlightening... I will always consider her to be one of my all-time very favorite authors.
  

4.  Charlottes Web, by EB White.  This was another that I could (and did) re-read til forever.  I couldn't wait for my kids to read this.

5. A Little Princess, by Frances Hodgson Burnett.   

6.  Rumble Fish (and The Outsiders), by SE Hinton.  The first time I read Rumble Fish, I was on the train to Florida.  My sister Jen read it first and I couldn't wait to get my hands on it.  Then of course when I got home, I had to check out every other book that SE Hinton wrote.

7.  Go Ask Alice, by Annonymous.  This book scared the crap out of me.  And yet I kept that tattered book on the keeper shelf for years.

8.  Island of the Blue Dolphins, by Scott O'Dell.  This book was assigned reading in English class one year and I was annoyed because I hate when people force me to read something.  Then of course I loved it.

9. Flowers in the Attic series, by VC Andrews.  I was so wrapped up in this series.  I absolutely would still read it like, today.  In fact, maybe I will.

10. Carrie, by Stephen King.  This short story was the beginning of my love of Stephen King books.  I have so many SK books on my keeper shelf.

linking up:

the great spank debate

Oh relax.


RELAX judgey.  I'm not a spanker.


Well, a very rare, hardly even occasional spanker.


I was one of those "I'll never spank my kid," moms.  Yes I was.


That was when I had my first kid though, and she was a freaking angel.  Well, most of the time.  Besides, when she wasn't an angel, her offenses were far too minor to merit a straight up smack on the buns.


I think the only time she was ever spanked was when she was about 6 and she convinced her 3 year old cousin to hide from me and her parents - and not come out from hiding when we called.  We ran up and down the street yelling for them, scared to death that they were stolen by bad guys right out from under our noses.  That spank was given out of straight up terror.


But Alex, my little buddy.  He was such a challenging kid for a chunk of time.  I was so unsure of how to parent a challenging kid.  I just did not know what to do with him.  I mean, he was kind of aggressive, and we aren't aggressive at all.  I never spanked, we don't hit, smack, push... we don't yell, we never really even fight.  Honest to Cod with four kids, none of them have ever felt the angry punch of a sibling unless if you count from a punch from a rousing game of Punch Buggy.


So I was taken aback when he was hitty as a toddler.  I was all like, "Where did he learn that?!"  "What am I doing wrong?!"  "How do I fix him?!"


I tried everything.  I got right down on his level and talked to him, tried reasoning with him.  I read books, I talked with other parents, experimented with time-outs and various other methods of dealing with an aggressive kid.  I had to be hyper-vigilant when there were other little kids around, and it could be stressful and exhausting and embarrassing.  I felt like I had to be super aware so I could head off an attack that was potentially building up, and I could never just relax.


Alex wasn't really very verbal for a while.  He wasn't slow by any means, he mimicked words and all of that normal stuff, he just didn't exactly form coherent sentences as quickly as my first child.  But the good thing was, he was extremely transparent.  I could tell from across the room when he was getting frustrated and getting ready to wind up and smack his cousin off of her chair.


That's when I typically hopped in and redirected his attention, stepped in and helped him get his message across.  When I actually recognized why he was aggressive, it made a ton of sense. When putting myself into the mind of an almost three-year-old who couldn't say, "Hey that's MY truck! I was using it first!  Give it back!"  I finally grasped the frustration he must have been feeling.  Because he couldn't yet verbalize his feelings of anger or upset, he'd just knock someone off their seat, smack them or scream in their face to get his point across.


Prior to recognizing that, I remember swatting him out of sheer frustration.  Frustration because he just whaled someone for no apparent reason.  Again.  And nothing that I did or said seemed to get through to him.  In all honesty, spanking didn't do any more than the other methods that I tried.


But then, I'll never forget this one time when he was being particularly aggressive with his cousin.  I was angry and spanked him and set him on the stairs for a time out, and he looked up at me with tears in his eyes, on his little red cheeks, and it killed me.  Killed me.  He was looking at me like I hurt him.  I was his mom and I was supposed to help him, not hurt him.  All of a sudden, I was devastated and horrified.  In fact, I will admit it gives me a tear in my own eye when I think of that moment.  It was a light bulb moment, and it completely changed the way I dealt with him in his moments of naughtiness.


And he is such a joy.  I just love my boy.  He's such a good, kind, funny charismatic kid.  I truly enjoy him, and I feel guilty that I didn't figure him out sooner.  I feel guilty that I just assumed parenting him would be just like parenting his older (easier) sister.  I feel guilty that I lost control, and went against my belief that spanking a kid does nothing more than teach them that the bigger, stronger people can get away with hitting and being aggressive when it suits them.


At the end of the day, it was all about being aware.  Paying attention so I could step in and redirect his attention when I noticed him getting frustrated.  It helped tremendously to get down on his level and put myself in his shoes.  Not that there was any justification for his aggression other than the fact that he was learning how to deal with his emotions, but I finally understood.  And when I quit making it about me (why wouldn't he listen to me?  what am I doing wrong?) and made it about him, I got it.  And when I got it, I was able to help him work through his anger - and it worked.


It really worked.


There was a lot consistency.  A lot of, "Use your words," and "I'm counting to three..." those were the most often used phrases.  In fact, years later, all I have to do is hold up one finger from across the room at ANY of my kids (yes, including my 14 1/2 year old son), together with the evil eye, and they will quit whatever it is that they are doing to bug me, like immediately.  Communicating very clearly.


So, I'm not pro-spanking.  I am not saying that I wouldn't swat my kid if I felt it in the moment, or that I am sitting here judging spankers.  But I do think it can easily get out of hand, and I won't use it as a way to get my kids to behave or listen to me.  I know how it feels to feel frustrated with your child, to be at your wits end - but I believe there are always other ways of approaching things.


Yes, I was spanked as a kid.  Yes, I was scared of getting spanked, and no I do not think it harmed me.  My spankings weren't lose your mind ass-whippings, they were more like the, "wait til your dad gets home," kind of spankings that had you sweating in your room til you heard your Dad pull up.  Which is when you quickly put on every single pair of underpants you owned (to cushion the spank) and prayed it wasn't going to be a bare hiney spanking.


I do firmly believe that a healthy fear of your parent is a good thing on many levels.  But I don't want my child to fear that I am going to physically hurt him if I am angry with him.  I want him to wonder what the heck I could do if I'm angry with him.  And that's where the healthy fear comes in.  Fear that if they push my buttons too hard, I could lose it.


And never discount the evil eye, it really does go a long way if you use it correctly.  

one last word, v4

People Magazine has this new feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a new feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on the last things they've done.

So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything, I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?

1. The last book that I loved.  I am going to have to go with The Hunger Games trilogy.  I don't find much time to read an actual book for some reason these days, so when I find myself staying up til 3 am propping my eyelids open with a fork to see what happens next, I know I love it.

2. The last time that I lost my cell phone.  Oddly enough, I don't think that I have ever really lost a cell phone.  Usually, I think I've lost it and I am frantically searching for it while it is in my hand.  I think that means I am prematurely senile.

3. The last time that I indulged.  Um.  I'm going to have to say this past weekend, when I was at an all inclusive resort.  So you know, all of that amazing food and it feels like it is totally free. Also, places like that make me tend to feel like I will never see a Belgian waffle again in my lifetime so in my brain it's really easy to justify eating 39 of them.  In one sitting.

4. The last reality show that I watched.  Last night I watched Survivor.  I love Survivor.  I'm pretty positive that I could probably win that show.

5. The last song I downloaded.  Ooh, the last song I downloaded was Somebody That I Used to Know, by Gotye.  It is so stinking catchy, I absolutely love it.

6. The last celebrity sighting that I had.  Oh well, you know, remember the Stiffmeister? Of course you do!  Because who doesn't know Stiffler?  Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had a close encounter with him and I'm pretty sure he wants me.  Fine.  That may be a slight exaggeration.  Actually, I really was about from me to the end of the couch away from him (Seann William Scott), and it was very exciting because he smiled all cute in my general direction.

7. The last text that I received.  It would be this:  "YOLO!  Heading for the gate.  Whats for ding dong?"  There is a lot of been-married-for-over-15-years code going on there.  Yes, that was a text from my husband.  Translation:  "You Only Live Once!  I am walking to the gate at the airport where I will be boarding a tiny little commuter jet.  What will you be preparing for dinner tonight?"  

8. The last thing that I cooked.  I am going to say it was chicken pesto with bow ties.  Two nights ago.  Because last night I had take-out edamame and a California roll.  Which I could technically eat every night for the rest of my life.

9. The last gift that I received.  I just received a really pretty crystal frame and gorgeous Burberry watch for my anniversary.

10. The last TV show that I watched.  The last TV show that I watched without distraction was last night's Modern Family - one of my current top three TV shows.  It makes me laugh hard every single week.

and yet somehow, I'm discussing crumbs in my bra. TMI?

You know when you're eating something crumby and crumbs falls right into your bra?


No?


Well, how about just imagine that scenario if you can't identify with it personally. 


So yeah.  The crumb in the bra thing.  It happens.  And I tend to wear v-neck t-shirts a lot, so I often get crumbs in my bra.  Usually though, I manage to get them out without too much hassle.  It can be tricky in public, but you know, sometimes you just have to get down into your bra and do what you have to do.  I know how to be discreet.


Except if I get a coffee cake crumb in my bra.  Because you know, those crumbs are so moist (ugh!) dampish (I looked up a synonym for that skeevy m word and DAMPISH was it.  Really?  That's all I have to work with?).  They are so dampish that they stick to your skin and you actually have to pretty much do a crumb-ectomy to get rid of them.  It's a fairly risky operation.  It typically involves having to have a little privacy, you know, like an escape to the privacy of a good bathroom stall.  Those things have a way of migrating right on down to the underbelly of your boob.  It can be kind of irritating, like a stone in your sneaker almost.  You just have to get them out of there.


I love coffee cake.  You know those little Drake's cakes?  They are so my favorite little processed yummy things... I have a weakness.  I could eat far too many for it to be considered acceptable behavior.  Kind of similar to my weakness for Double Stuf Oreo cookies.  Incidentally, the Double Stuf crumbs migrate deep in the bra too.  In case you were unsure.

Is it shameful if googling this made my mouth water a little?

The CITB (crumb in the bra) thing is clearly a girl problem,  and most certainly a first world girl problem.  Because I'm pretty sure they don't sell Drake's cakes in the jungles of Uganda.  And you know, even if they did sell Drake's cakes in the jungles of Uganda (Are there jungles in Uganda?  I'm not very geographically inclined, so if there aren't jungles there, feel free to just shoot me a quick email telling me where a good jungle is so I can come off as intelligent and worthy of jungle talk), the women that live there probably don't wear bras.  I've seen National Geographic.  Those women pretty much go topless all of the time.   Personally, I think it might get a little chilly going topless all of the time, but obviously it's pretty hot in the jungle.  Hot and filled with weird snakes and things that I wouldn't want eyeballing my bare boob like it is dinner.


Besides being a little chilly and snake-ish, I also think it's probably kind of buggy in the jungle.  And I hate bug bites.  And I'd especially hate bug bites on my private bare skin.  Which is exactly why if I were in the jungles of Uganda, I'd definitely be wearing a bra, and also a long sleeved shirt. 


ANYway, isn't it funny how sometimes at the end of a long day, you go to take your bra off and get all comfy and pj'd up, and all of a sudden a few errant crumbs tumble out?


The question is, do you eat the bra crumbs?  No judgement here if you do.  OK, maybe a little judgement you gross thing, you.


I do not eat bra crumbs.  In case you were wondering.  


Unless it's a really big crumb cake crumb, then there's no telling what I could do.  I guess it would depend on how hungry I was at the moment of the discovery.  Either way, it would be a crime to waste a good crumb cake crumb.  Don't you think?


Such a dilemma.

monday listicle - celebrities

So I've been reading this new to me blog, The Good Life, and it's fun and funny.  And guess what?  That Northwest mommy Stasha does a feature thing that is called Monday Listicles.  There are different topics every Monday where you list ten things, then link up.  Well.  You all know how much I love lists.  So I have to participate.  Because, you know, it would be a crime if I passed up an opportunity to write a list and link it to other list writers and then like, love my list so hard.  So apparently this week's topic is Ten Reasons Celebrities are Just Like Us.


Now that is my kind of list.


Ten Reasons Celebrities are Just Like Us
(besides the typical, "They hold their own grocery bags!" or, "They chew with their mouth open!"  or my favorite, "They pump their own gas!")


1.  They brush their own teeth.  Assuming of course, that they do.  Because really, who would want someone to brush their teeth for them?  That would just be ridiculous.

2.  They rock out in their car.  Even if the celebrity is like a singer or something, where obviously they'd rock out in their car, because everybody rocks out in their car.  Right?  Kim K. may or may not be rocking out in that picture below, but I just wanted to illustrate how much like us those celebrities really are.  Especially when they roll up in Ferrari's.

3.  They mow their lawns.  No, no... they don't mow their lawns.  That's just silly.

4.  They take a bath/shower/hose themselves down, all by themselves.  Well of course they do.  Because who would want someone else to give them a bath if they weren't a baby or a little kid?  Probably a little kid celebrity wouldn't give themselves their own bath though.  Because you know, that's what nannies moms are for.  And everyone knows little kids do a crap job washing their hair.

5.  They carry their own umbrella.  Unless of course they are Mariah Carey or JLo - one of those girls had an umbrella carrier, if I recall correctly.  Or maybe that was Puffy. Is he Puffy still?  Sean Combs? P. Diddy?  Remember that?  Can you imagine answering the ad for that job opening?  "Wanted, one idiot to carry an umbrella for a famous idiot who apparently doesn't have arms when it rains, sprinkles or mists.  Salary to commensurate with experience."

6. They have a bad hair day.  Oh yes, yes they do.  Not quite on this level of crazy-town bad, but you have to admit that some days, the hair can be a little rough. 

7.  They practice safe sex.  Yep, just like (*coughcough* ahem) the rest of us.  On another note - isn't that a dumb saying?  Practice safe sex?  Like, we're practicing?  For practice?  So we can get better at it?

8.  They lose their shit in public.  Because everyone has a bad day every once in a while.

9.  They feed their kids crappy food.  Oh, we all know that a little bag of Funyuns goes a long way when you need to bribe your kid.  And while we're at it, where's the Happy Meal and lollipop?

10.  Their kid has a meltdown.  Oh let's be real here, even the perfect parent's kid has a meltdown.  Because sometimes it is just out of our control.  I'm very pro-ignoring when my kid flips out over not being able to wear the high heels to the playground thing.

linking up:

getaway

It's been such a nice lazy week.  


For April break, we don't typically go away.  Usually we go away during the February break to Disney or something, but this year we pretty much didn't do that either because Ali ruined Christmas.  I do like going away for sure, but I really didn't mind sticking around home this time for some reason.  We were tossing around the idea of going to CT for a long weekend to hang with my sister, but then her kids don't have their break the same time as ours, so it just wasn't seeming to work out.


Anyway, at the last minute, we decided to go here for a few days.  It's this massive old resort place up in the mountains that kind of looks like Hogwarts.  We used to go there every year with the whole family, but it got a little ridiculous, price-wise.  When I could pretty much send my daughter to college for a semester on what it costs for three nights with the family at this place, I was thinking maybe we should find another spot that is a little more affordable.

One of the great things about it though, is that it's in easy driving distance - only about an hour or so away.  And the food is out of control amazing, and all inclusive.  AND there are tons of gorgeous hiking trails.  And oh my, the spa... I already have a hot rock massage booked.  I seriously cannot wait.  It's just going to be really nice and relaxing.  Also, they have tea and cookies in the fancy room every afternoon.  How can you beat tea and cookies in the fancy room?  And Ms. Pac Man!  Yeah, they have Ms. Pac Man in the game room, so I have a roll of quarters and I am ready to use it because I rock at that game, and I may very well play til my eyes get buggy.


So the last time we went, Brooke was little, just a cutie little babe.  It's been a while!  And we've never been to this place in the spring, so it should be nice, different.  It's actually supposed to be a gorgeous weekend weather-wise, so I'm really looking forward to getting some good fresh mountain air.


I haven't actually even started packing yet.  I better get on that because apparently we're heading out in the next hour or two.  Packing to go to this fancy place always reminds me of showing up there the first year with my sister Ali, who packed all of her things in those little white plastic grocery bag things.  Like clothes and blankets and toiletries and stuff all spilling out, and the doorman concierge guy trying to wrangle everything onto one of those luggage carts.  It was so freaking hilarious.  She bought real luggage the next year out of utter embarrassment I think.


So I am bringing my good camera this time, because there are just so many beautiful things to take pictures of.  I'll definitely post more later.

get in mah belly

So you know, sorry I didn't post yesterday (or Friday for that matter), I was busy stuffing my face with leftover Easter candy.  I'm all like, "Hurry kids!  Hide your baskets from me unless you want everything to be GONE!  Get in MAH BELLY!"  And they're all like, "No Mom!  Noooooo!"


Thank Cod I was able to find a few miscellaneous jellybeans that rolled under the couch.  A random peanut butter cup that I hid accidentally kicked under the coffee table, a disgusting discarded Robins egg... Then I was so excited because I found an unopened package of Snickers eggs that I forgot I hid, and I was all, "MINE!" til I tried one and it sucked.


Have you ever tried them?  How can a Snickers taste so differently, just because it is in another shape??  Rectangle vs. egg...  makes a big difference apparently.


Now, the Peanut Butter Cup egg tastes just as good if not better than the normal cups, don't you think?  I am pretty sure it's all about the ratio of peanut butter to chocolate in there.  The peanut butter tips the scales in the egg shape and mmmmm... I love those little cute things.


ANYWAY, it's school vacation week here, so there is no guarantee that I will be able to write an intelligible post each day.  I will try, but you know, I just want to put out a disclaimer to all of my three readers so nobody is disappointed.  Also, I am trying really really hard to get caught up on all of my favorite blogs because I don't know what the heck happened!  I cannot seem to carve out enough time to read my favorites and comment as regularly !  I think it's Pinterest.  Yeah that's it, Pinterest happened.


Well I am getting a cleaning lady so I can read blogs all day without guilt!  Ah, who am I kidding?  If I got a cleaning lady I may actually feel like a SAHM fail.  Super guilty.  But who am I kidding?  If I can get a cleaning lady to clean my bathrooms, kitchen and floors, I will be a happy, happy SAHM.  Fuck the guilt!  I'll more than likely never be as good a SAHM as the perfect ones. (Did I ever mention that Blogger spellcheck tries to change SAHM to sham or shame?  Interesting Blogger spellcheck, veeeeery interesting.  Just what are you trying to insinuate?)


Huh.  I kind of like that thought though, fuck the guilt.  I should probably use that statement more often in my life.  I think I will.  Feel free to join me.

one last word, v3

People Magazine has this new feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a new feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on the last things they've done.

So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything, I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?

1. The last time I was starstruck - well, I have to say that I don't have too many opportunities to be starstruck.  Because I live in a little one-light town in the country where I have only seen one actual live celebrity, Lili Taylor (among 500 other things, she was in Mystic Pizza and Say Anything - two movies that I love).  I was behind her in the grocery store.  It was a little shocking, but she bought rich people food. Anyway, a week or two ago when I was in LA, I saw Seann William Scott right in front of my face and he smiled and was adorable and I felt a little flustered.  I guess that counts.

2. The last thing I lost - Well, I wouldn't exactly say lost, more like, left behind.  I was in the city at the sweetest hotel ever, and I left my iPod charger by accident!  Annoying!  So it's not technically lost, but kind of.


3. The last book I read - Man, I am in the middle of reading a goofy but hilarious book - "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea," by Chelsea Handler, and this book called "Expecting Adam," by Martha Beck, which is about expecting a child with Down Syndrome.  I have about 500 books on my "to read" list that I keep adding to, but don't seem to making much of a dent on...


4. The last vacation I took - Well I just went on a little getaway to California with Kara.  I'm kind of liking California. This time I went to LA - Marina del Rey and Santa Monica.  It was awesome.


5. The last dream I had - Oh, I dream every night.  But then I usually forget all of the great details by about the time I brush my teeth. All I know is that last night's dream was a good one.


6. The last time I was scared - Well I was a little scared the other night walking by myself.  It was so so dark, and I walk in this one section that doesn't have sidewalks.  I was scared that a car was going to come by and hit and run me, then like, I'd be all laying half dead, bleeding out with a pneumothorax in the weeds but nobody would find me til morning, when it would probably be too late to save me.  Overactive imagination much?


7. The last big splurge - I guess that would be for my good living room - like I bought a nice little pile of furniture.  But guess what?  Now I have no more furniture to buy!  And that right there is some very good news.


8. The last person I told I love you - That would more than likely be Alex.


9. The last time I got mad - Last night I got a little mad.  But I got over it.  I am currently still over it.


10. The last thing I regretted - The last thing that I regretted would have to be pressing send on an email. I sat there for about 15 seconds before pressing send, having a mental debate with myself.  Then I did the typical, fuck it, whatever move, and pressed send.  And then of course,  I was thinking wait wait, wait!  But I couldn't take it back.  Which is pretty much the definition of regret.