Monday, April 21, 2014

what my kid just said v.2

"It smells like a skunk pooped his pants in here!"
-Brooke, age 8

Apparently, something smelled bad...

Friday, April 11, 2014

things I am scared of. don't tell anyone.

I like to consider myself a tough girl.  I mean, I've been through enough stuff to feel like like I can take a lot.  But I do have plenty of fears, things that scare me.  About all sorts of things.  I might not show it outwardly, because I'm not shaking in my boots in front of anyone.  I know the irrational fears may be a snitch far-fetched, but I can't help it. 

I have a bunch of unusual fears and one is passing tractor trailers in the rain. I've had this fear ever since I could drive on the highway.  I inwardly panic. It’s not pretty.  But those freaking huge trucks splash a crap load of stuff on your windshield so you are momentarily blinded and could potentially go off the road and die a fiery death! I think that’s a pretty rational fear!  Also, I am positive that one of my kids is going to fall out of the car while I am driving on the highway. I have had many a mental freak out over the thought, and have had to actually pull over to just take a minute to chill out. Cod help me if someone opens a window in the backseat, because the sound of the window opening, like just the noise of the rushing air, would make me almost throw up – to me it sounds like the car door opening.  Is that weird? 

I am irrationally afraid of swimming in the deep end in the dark (did you ever read that short story by Stephen King about the oil slick??!!  It definitely took away my ability to ever skinny dip in the dark, (thanks a lot SK).  I'm also irrationally afraid of shark attacks. I am positive I got attacked by a shark in Mexico when I was 16. I didn’t have the actual wounds to prove it, but I KNOW it happened.  So I get super nervous swimming in the ocean, and feel like I am constantly scanning the horizon for misc fins.  Those sneaky sharks can practically come right up to the beach!!  And I know they want to take a bite of my meaty leg.

I am rationally afraid of the book American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis and the picture of the guy on the cover. I had to hide that book from myself because it scared me so much. Freaking insane, sick book. Not in a good way either. I beg you not to attempt to read it.  I realize mentioning it in such a manner might just make you curious, which is pretty much why I bought it and read it in the first place, but it was a huge mistake.  I am not even kidding guys.  I remember when I bought it, I had to request it, and they brought it out from the back room covered in brown paper.  Like, it was so bad.  I definitely threw it away when I was done.  I felt like, sick having read it.

Some odd food fears:  biting into a rotten tomato, biting into an apple and seeing a worm, or even worse - 1/2 of a worm.  Oh em gee.  And I totally can't stand the thought of accidentally eating raw chicken, ew.  I feel like gagging right now.

I am also afraid of pulling one of my kids limbs out of their socket.  Which actually happened once, to my poor little Meg.  She was about 3 and we were at Gymnastics, and she was doing that thing where she would walk up my legs while I held her hands and she'd flip over.  I was totally distracted talking to someone while she was doing it, but all of a sudden, she let out a huge, pain-scream.  And Megan has always been a super mild kid - not dramatic at all.  She literally full on screamed, the entire way to the hospital, not a cry, but a scream.  And her arm from the elbow down was just hanging there.  Ugh, it was awful.  I was so grateful they took her right in, and as soon as the doctor pulled it back into place (gross sounding but took about 1/10th of a second), she looked at me and smiled and said, "That feels so much better!"  In her little baby voice with tears all over her face.  It totally traumatized me.  

My fears aren't necessarily run of the mill - scared of spider-type fears.  Because I was a single mom for a long time, I had to deal with spiders and bad guys and the dark and all of that scary stuff on my own at a young age - I didn't have a guy there to smack the spider for me.  But I did sleep with a hammer under my pillow.  Not sure how I would actually defend myself with a hammer -- I guess I figured I could hammer the bad guy into submission? 

My BIL John, who isn't really a scaredy cat at all, is terrified of snakes.  He screams like a girl if he even thinks he saw one.  It's really funny.  I always picture him like one of those 50's housewives screaming on the chair in the kitchen because a little mouse ran through.  Incidentally, those housewives always wore cute aprons.  And had perfect hair and makeup.

I never wear an apron.  And my hair and makeup is pretty average.  Maybe I should wear an apron.  Hmph.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

funny signs

Uh, sorry... already happened.
Good thinking there, Mr. Sign Maker


No, thank YOU.

I like this church of no clothes thing...

Or you will die?

"LOL." -Netflix.  Hilarious.

Yes, please.  Please don't lick the walls?? Really?

Hm.  I just don't know how to respond.

Get  your boots and shoes repaired WHILE we cut your hair... seems legit.

Oh wow, it isn't there, is it?  Thanks for clarifying...

Friday, April 4, 2014

five favorites food type things

Maybe on Fridays I will do a list of five.  Five whatevers.  I'll need suggestions.  But since I am currently thinking about food, and wishing I could just have a handful of powerberries, I will do a list about my five favorite food type things.  

I did mention that I am a list-aholic, right?  I love lists.  Sorry.  I should start a List Lovers Annoymous.  Wanna join?

1. Avocado.  Honestly, I could eat an entire avocado every day with no problem whatsoever.  

2. Goat cheese.  I really love cheese.  I'm a cheese fan.  But something about goat cheese just makes me so happy.  I have this little kit to make my own.  It's really good with so many things...

3. Butter Crunch.  This is newly discovered, and GD amazing.  I'm in freaking love.  I basically need a heaping spoonful of this to make me happy.  It's like Paxil!!  In a jar!

4. Powerberries.  Ok, these are awesome.  And addictive.  In order to not overeat these, I have to pour myself 1/4 cup in a bowl, and just take my time savoring each little piece of chocolately goodness. 

5. Dunkin' Donuts Hot Cocoa.  In a k-cup, particularly.  So good.  Nothing compares at this point.  Apparently, their K-Cups are seasonal??  Who knew??  When I found out, I drove to as many Dunkins as I could to stock up.  I am down to my last few and I am so sad.  Wah.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

more words that blogger doesn't recognize v2

A while back I posted a bunch of words that that asshole blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize as words.  Of course I continue to add to the list as I come across other non-word words, because obviously.

Shitstorm -- I'm not questioning that blogger spellcheck tries to make this two words instead of a compound word - just questioning that it suggests I type the word "shortstop" instead.

Facebook -- That's just silly.  Facebook is as common as "and."  Pretty much everyone in the free world uses it.  And probably aliens too.  It's that cool, apparently.

Defriended - This goes along with the Facebook issue, of course.

Friended - and again with the Facebook.

Doozie -- Come on, really?  Everyone knows that was a doozie.

TMI - Acronyms are the future!  Get with the program, blogger.

Texting -  Testing?  Exiting?  Both words that blogger things I should change "texting" to.  Pretty sure "texting" has been going on for at least a decade now...

LOL - lolz?  Laughing.  Out loud even.  It's textese... let's go Blogger.

Textese - grr, blogger spellcheck is stressing me out.

Doofus - I'm positive doofus is a word.  I used to use it all the time.  In junior high.

PDA - Another great acronym that we all should be aware of.  Public Display of Affection.  We weren't allowed in high school or Mrs. Scott would smack us away from each other with a ruler.  No kissing in the halls!

Stalkable and stalkerish - In reference to stalkers.  Like, she's so stalkable, and he is so stalkerish?  Totally words.

wtf - Really?  WTF Blogger.

Scaredy - as in cat?

Skanky - as in ho?

Sucky - come on!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I'm pregnant! Or am I? Haha, April fools?

OK, imagine how great it would be if you were really pregnant and you waited til April Fools Day to make your big announcement?  Just so everyone would have to keep guessing for the next several months?  They would finally know you weren't playing a prank on them when you show up one day with a little babe in your backpack.

OK, so maybe not in your backpack.  What are those things called that you carry your baby on your bod?  I don't know... I never really used them.  Snugglies?  Snuggies?  I forget!  I'm too lazy to google.  You know what I mean!

So fine, I'm not pregnant.  (or am I?)  But you weren't sure, were you??  You were sitting there guessing, weren't ya?

If I attempted to have a baby right now, poor little one would have some seriously old siblings (and parents, actually).  Then of course I might have to go ahead and actually have two in a row because it might be a little lonesome being all little with no siblings its age.  Aw.

I think my worst part, besides inoculations, would be the crappy sleep.  I love my current crappy sleep.  I'm really used to it.  When I had Brooke I forgot about how annoying sleep disturbances are.  It was so shocking when I had to wake up every few hours and stumble around with my eyes half closed preparing formula.  And man, the piercing cry of a hungry baby can be enough to make you want to poke your own eyeball out with a sharp object.  And unfortunately, there are no sharp objects readily handy when you have a screaming babe in your arms.  I wonder if you could poke your eyeball out with a nose plunger.  What are those things called?  Nose suckers?  You know, the things you get in the hospital that suck the gunk out of your baby's nose?  I never once used one of those, if you were wondering.

Jeez, I really have forgotten all of these things!  I'm old!  My baby is 8!!  Holy shit.  My baby is really 8 AND A HALF years old...

You know, I hemmed and hawed about getting a puppy forever because all I was thinking about was crying puppy, poop on the floor, chewing my shoes... and guess what?  My puppy really never did any of those things.  Maybe an occasional poop on the floor til she was fully trained, but she never cried in the night, not even once, and she never chewed.  She was only very mildly annoying.  I mean, her poop on the floor was about the size of an earthworm, and that's not so offensive.  And now, I really like her.  It probably helps that she thinks I am the best thing that ever walked the face of the Earth.

Maybe the little things that I think would be annoying an adjustment with a new baby would actually be great.  Like, maybe it would be a silent baby who didn't like waking up in the night.  Or if it did, maybe it would be all, just feed my belly quick so we can get this over with and get back to our snuggley sleep, mom.  And maybe it would barely poop.  Maybe poop up the back when you are on your way out the door would never happen!  Eh.  It would happen.  It always happens.

I'm not sure why I am even discussing this.  I'm way too old for new babies.

Or am I?