Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I'm pregnant! Or am I? Haha, April fools?

OK, imagine how great it would be if you were really pregnant and you waited til April Fools Day to make your big announcement?  Just so everyone would have to keep guessing for the next several months?  They would finally know you weren't playing a prank on them when you show up one day with a little babe in your backpack.

OK, so maybe not in your backpack.  What are those things called that you carry your baby on your bod?  I don't know... I never really used them.  Snugglies?  Snuggies?  I forget!  I'm too lazy to google.  You know what I mean!

So fine, I'm not pregnant.  (or am I?)  But you weren't sure, were you??  You were sitting there guessing, weren't ya?

If I attempted to have a baby right now, poor little one would have some seriously old siblings (and parents, actually).  Then of course I might have to go ahead and actually have two in a row because it might be a little lonesome being all little with no siblings its age.  Aw.

I think my worst part, besides inoculations, would be the crappy sleep.  I love my current crappy sleep.  I'm really used to it.  When I had Brooke I forgot about how annoying sleep disturbances are.  It was so shocking when I had to wake up every few hours and stumble around with my eyes half closed preparing formula.  And man, the piercing cry of a hungry baby can be enough to make you want to poke your own eyeball out with a sharp object.  And unfortunately, there are no sharp objects readily handy when you have a screaming babe in your arms.  I wonder if you could poke your eyeball out with a nose plunger.  What are those things called?  Nose suckers?  You know, the things you get in the hospital that suck the gunk out of your baby's nose?  I never once used one of those, if you were wondering.

Jeez, I really have forgotten all of these things!  I'm old!  My baby is 8!!  Holy shit.  My baby is really 8 AND A HALF years old...

You know, I hemmed and hawed about getting a puppy forever because all I was thinking about was crying puppy, poop on the floor, chewing my shoes... and guess what?  My puppy really never did any of those things.  Maybe an occasional poop on the floor til she was fully trained, but she never cried in the night, not even once, and she never chewed.  She was only very mildly annoying.  I mean, her poop on the floor was about the size of an earthworm, and that's not so offensive.  And now, I really like her.  It probably helps that she thinks I am the best thing that ever walked the face of the Earth.

Maybe the little things that I think would be annoying an adjustment with a new baby would actually be great.  Like, maybe it would be a silent baby who didn't like waking up in the night.  Or if it did, maybe it would be all, just feed my belly quick so we can get this over with and get back to our snuggley sleep, mom.  And maybe it would barely poop.  Maybe poop up the back when you are on your way out the door would never happen!  Eh.  It would happen.  It always happens.

I'm not sure why I am even discussing this.  I'm way too old for new babies.

Or am I?


  1. The thought of a newborn, at my age, would be a cruel April Fools joke since my baby turns 25 next month.