Friday, December 12, 2014

Hey, remember that time that I said I'm back in it to win it?

Do you?

Hopefully not, because apparently I lied.  Because I thought I was going to be back in it to win it but then I wasn't.  Back.  In it to win it, I mean.

In other words, I really only had a few more posts after those bold words before life got busier, and I got lazy and kind of forgot that I was re-committing to blogging.

But really, for real, I actually have been kind of busy!  I know, right?  I'm not sure if its just the time of year, or if like, I am just finding more stuff to do to keep me occupied.

I've been trying not to live for unattainable moments that aren't mine anyway.

I've been trying to get myself back in to real life more, stepping away from this plastic www world.  I've been saying goodbye to ghosts that have wounded me.  I've been leaving things behind, letting things go, living in the moment.  I've been trying to "get" it.  I'm trying not to be a sad, moody brooder.  I've been smiling and stuff.

So yay for that, right?  I guess?

ANYway, I have an awesome Christmas tree in my family room right now and it is all twinkly and yummy smelling and it kind of feels like I am sitting in a deep and quiet forest.  I kind of love sitting in a deep and quiet forest.

Did you like how I changed the subject there?  I moved right along.

Because that's what I do these days.  I move right along.

Wanna come with me?

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Hey, it's 11/11!

It's November!  Who knew?

I remember being younger and my mom would tell me that time seems to speed up when you're old and I'd be all like, uh huh, and roll my eyes.

I'd say the same thing when she'd tell me to appreciate my non-wrinkled skin and non-flabby bod.  Because like, who ages, right?

Apparently, she was right, but damn.

So, November... there sure seems to be a lot ahead to accomplish.  I'm not much of a pre-shopper.  Like, I know someone who will have all of her Christmas shopping done, and then wrapped in October.  That's so not me.  I mean, I'd love it if I were that organized, but the reality is - I'm not.  Usually by October I have some lists put together, because lists!  But that's about it.  My lists are organized!

I do need to have a sense of what I am doing by Thanksgiving, because I am probably going to be forced to be a Black Friday shopper.  

I used to really love Back Friday shopping.  The planning, the plotting of the route, the craziness, the chaos, the getting up so early and being all sluggish and driving in the dark with your fellow shoppers...  

But somewhere along the way, I decided that I hate it.  Or maybe not hate, but strongly dislike.  I look around and see cranky people, dragging tired babies through throngs of other cranky people, at ridiculous hours of the morning, prepared to throw down just to get their kid the latest and greatest whatever.  That doesn't scream Christmas cheer to me for some reason.  Merry Effing Christmas?

Ah, I'm sure I'll go.  My sister Ali can be a bully very forceful persuasive, and we usually go out together with the guys.  I admit, it always turns out to be fun.  My sister Jen has the right idea and doesn't meet us til late breakfast at some greasy diner, usually in the form of Denny's.  The eating with your people part is fun.  Because the eating part is always fun!

So there's that.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

what to do here

I'm not sure how I am going to approach blogging again.  

I liked blogging for a while there.  Then it got stressful.  Then I got a mental block.  So there was a quitting, which truthfully isn't terribly uncommon for me.  I'm a quitter, sadly.  And then  there were a few restarts that never really became a thing again.

What made it stressful I think, was knowing that some people I actually knew in real life were reading.  I mean, I definitely like that there are readers out there, I think.  Just, when I actually knew some of the real live people, I started worrying, I started being concerned that maybe I should censor myself.

I hate censoring myself!  

But also, I don't want to look or sound stupid to anyone who actually knows me.  It's one of my top five worst things.  A lot of times, I just kind of wrote whatever was there and it worked because I didn't have to think about if I actually did look or sound stupid, or who I could potentially be offending or hurting or something.

I hate drama, but sometimes, if I read back, I have a few posts that might seem a little drama-y.  I hate whiners, but sometimes, if I read back, I have a few whine-y posts.  Like, in the real world I do my best to put that mask on every day, nice and straight, so nobody notices that I am actually a freak in sheep's clothing.  Or something.

Here, I was feeling like it was OK to be my own freaky-sheep self.

So anyway, the question becomes, do I really actually care what anyone thinks?  I guess yes.  And no.  Yes because I still don't want to say or do anything that could potentially embarrass or hurt my family, my kids.  But no because fuck people who want to judge me for just being my own freak self.

So that's where I'm at.  If I want to sound like a dumbass who doesn't know proper English like I did right there, I will!


Monday, October 27, 2014

What would it take?

What would it take? Write about a time when you were with someone that you are still angry with, and decide if they finally deserve to be forgiven.

Walking through the park, pushing the stroller, I see someone up in the distance and my stomach involuntarily knots.  The quick heat of anger forms, familiar.  Knowing that avoiding her was impossible, my mind starts racing with the old feelings of hurt, betrayal.

My head is up, looking forward.  Not shrinking like I want to, not shrinking like I always did.  She is casually sucking on a lollipop.  We stop in front of each other.  Because that's what you're supposed to do, right?  When you walk directly in the path of someone who was your very best friend for years.  When you walk directly in front of the person who once knew everything that there was to know about you.  When you walk directly in front of the person who ruined any chance for you to truly trust and have healthy friendships with girls.

She bends down in front of the stroller, looking at my child.  Looking through her.  And I want to walk away but I don't.  She stands up quickly, taking the lollipop out of her mouth in a way that seems perfect, practiced.  She says, too loudly, "What a beautiful creature!"  My muscles feel tight and I squeeze the handle of the stroller.

And I think to myself, "Don't you dare call my child a creature."  And I want so badly for those words to form and come out of my mouth, but they don't.

"Thanks."  I say.  Looking her in the eye.  I don't smile.

She knows I know.  We both know that I know exactly what she did.  This huge unspoken betrayal hangs thick in the air between us.  She smiles and flips her long, straight hair out of her face.  Like she always used to.

Uncharacteristically, she starts to fumble with her words.  This person, who took great pains to never show a lack of confidence, this person who owned every room she stepped into, this person who never fumbled her words, starts rambling.

"Good to see you."  I say, uncharacteristically interrupting.  Locking eyes.  My speckled green to her iced blue.  I still don't smile.  I won't, ever.

I push the stroller around her, looking forward.  As I move further away, the heat of anger dissipates, and my baby starts babbling.  The clouds fogging my brain begin to break and float away.

She doesn't deserve to be forgiven.  But picking at old wounds keeps them from healing.  I know though, that I will never forget.

Friday, October 24, 2014

you googled that? really? v3

Monkey grabbing boob - This baffles me.  Why do you want to see this?  And what makes you think you'll find that image on my boring little mom-blog?

Beard sexy guy - Don't get me wrong, I'll search up a sexy bearded guy like nobody's business, because, obviously.  But, why here?

Throw up in mouth a little - I always wonder what is going on in someone's mind when they search something, like, did this person just throw up in their mouth a little and they wanted to see what was happening?

WTF Batman - Hm.  I say this occasionally.  I guess?

Parents who swear at their kids - Jeez, I don't do this.  I don't swear in front of my kids, or at them.  Some people think I'm judgey when I say that, and maybe I am a tiny bit.  But only inwardly judgey, probably.  

Boy blowing - Welp.  One could take this is many ways.  I'm going to choose to think the searcher was referring to gum.  Boy blowing gum bubbles.  Because come on.

Fucking Christmas miracle - I did say fucking Christmas miracle more than once.  Sorry.

Jesse Williams is hot - I conCUR. 

Do cats have boobs - What in the world?  But then again, do they Focker?

Brick laughing - If you aren't an Anchorman fan, this might seem like, weird.

Guns and Roses and sex - I'm assuming this is somehow in reference to the band Guns 'n Roses.  Because otherwise, that's just scary or something.

Sexy super model camel toe - You guys are gross.

Camel toe - And again, really?

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

oh, i forgot!

Oh I have totally forgotten to post a few things that I meant to post!  Like, how I was offered a hit off  of a joint the other night walking to my car after a freaking rad show that I went to see.  Can you believe I did not partake??  I know!  Me neither! I may or may not have seriously hesitated.  Of course I didn't hesitate! Did I ever mention that my kids could read this from time to time?

Also, how I accidentally tried lamb and maybe kind of liked it!  I know!!  Gross, right?  I ordered this gyro, and who knew it had lamb in it.  Apparently it did.  Which I found out after eating it and maybe kinda of liking it.

And how my sister and I got in a text fight and didn't talk for two weeks and one day.  I know!  Shocking!  We never fight - we are both fairly passive.  I can't even think about the last time we actually had a fight.  Text fights can get a little fresh, too.  I think it's the whole, "I'm not looking at your face while I tell you you're a jerk" thing.  Anyway, I think it's over.  Which is good.  Because she has cancer.  I'm sure there is something in the rule book that says you can't have a two week and one day fight with your sister who has cancer probably, right?

Which leads me to, oh yeah!  I forgot to mention my sister has cancer.  And her husband too. They actually got diagnosed within a few weeks of each other.  Crazy and scary and ugh.  They are both doing really well though, both making their way through it in good spirits.  T-bone finished up his chemo, and Ali is about to start her radiation, so, there was that.

So there's more I'm sure.  I will get to it all at some point... I'm back in it to win it.

Friday, October 17, 2014

wtf Wednesday, on a FRIDAY!

Is there a meme out there for WTF Wednesday?  If not, there totally should be, don't you think?  And I could be persuaded to make one.

And by the by, is meme pronounced "me me?"  Or "mem?"  Maybe "meem?" Mémé - like we are Fronch?  How the eff do you pronounce it?  I cannot be the only person who struggles with that.  Meme is a stupid word anyway.

I hate messing up pronunciations.  Once I said Bon Iver wrong, like "Bon Eye-ver," and someone was like, "uh, you do know that it's 'Bon E vare,' right?"  I was like, oh.  And then I felt like a dumbass.

Another time, when I was just learning about Quinoa, I asked a guy at this pretentious health food store if he knew where I could find "Kee-know-a," because jeez, that's kind of how it looks like you should pronounce it.  And he was all, "Oh, I've never heard of that before."  Like a jerk.  Then he goes, "Ohhh... you mean 'Keen-wa?'  Sure, it's right over here."  And in my head I was like, fuck you, ass.

That's my worst thing, feeling like a dumbass.

On another note, I feel very discombobulated because I accidentally put a lotion on that kind of has a fragrance that is overpowering and it is totally stuck in my nose holes and I don't even smell like myself.  Seriously.  WTF, Wednesday.   Even though it's Friday. I might need a re-shower.  

And just an observation.  Did you ever notice that there are no black emojis?  Like, why is that?  I think there's the Indian guy with the turban, but besides that, I have not seen one black emoji.  I wonder why.

Also, I am trying to reset my metabolism.  So far I think it might be working.  I'll keep you posted.  Later bloggers!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

for the love of all things holy, could somebody please build me a treehouse?

Have you ever seen an adult treehouse?

Not like, an adult adult treehouse.  Nothing porny.  Just everything filled with awesomeness.  Like my own private little treehouse in the woods or something.  It needs to be fully functional.  Because I am not a huge fan of going to the bathroom outside, and chances are, I'll want to stay in my treehouse for a long enough time that I'll have to go to the bathroom.

I mean, we all know that I have an amazing bladder, but I plan on spending a lot of time in that treehouse.  So a bathroom would be great.  Also, a big cozy bed with fluffy white bedding and great pillows.  I plan on spending a lot of my time in the big cozy bed.  Again, nothing porny.  Just cozy.  And I will watch movies and read and listen to tunes and eat candy in that amazing thing.  And you know, not exactly rule out porny.  Because come on guys.  You have to admit that my treehouse would be far too awesome to not take advantage of my amazing cozy bed, pornically speaking.

That's a made up word right there.  But I think it works.

So um, anyone want to build me one of those?

Monday, October 13, 2014

i hate dinner

It is inevitable.  As inevitable as the sun coming up, or the stars coming out, or the tide doing what the tide does.  Every. Fucking. Day.

Yep, I'm referring to making dinner.

It used to make me feel like a failure at my job - you know, the job of Mom.  But damn do I hate feeding my family.

That sounds terrible.

I'm not sure what it is about dinner that gets me tense in a way that other things don't.  Lunch doesn't really  annoy me.  Breakfast - I'm all over it.  But dinner?  Ugh.  My nightmare.

The question, "what's for dinner" literally makes me feel like someone is squeezing my head in a vice.  And I do mean literally.  I am opposed to people who say literally stupidly.  But I digress...

It's not like I can't cook.  I can!  I actually like to cook.  I do enjoy it.  I think it's the pressure to provide something great every day.  Something good and tasty and healthy and like, ugh.

If I ever got a massive windfall, I think I'd hire a dinner chef.  And the chef also has to clean up after himself, in my perfect world where I receive massive windfall money.  Because obviously if the chef left a huge mess it would make the dinner taste a little sucky.  Because that's what I'd be thinking about while I was eating my great meal.  The clean up.  And who wants that, in their perfect world?

Nobody.  That's who.

Friday, October 3, 2014

intesify it

Have you ever read something that hit you in the gut?  It could be a quote, or a passage in a book...  lyrics to a song.  It happens to me all of the time.  I think I am an intense person inside.  I don't show that intensity to anyone really, it's easier to just put on the masks that you need to put on to get through.  A lot of times the things that hit me hardest are really intense.

I was going though my notes app, and I found this quote that I copied down some time ago.  I don't know where I got it, just that it must have hit me enough to copy it down.  I want to get it out of my notes, because I need to.  So I am putting it here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

sweetest goodbye

...pushing forward and arching back
bring me closer to heart attack
say goodbye and just fly away
when you come back
i have some things to say

how does it feel to know you never have to be alone
when you get home?
there must be someplace here that only you and i could go
so i can show you how i
dream away every day
try so hard to disregard
the rhythm of the rain that drops
and coincides with the beating of my heart

i'll never leave you behind
or treat you unkind
i know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that i ever, ever, ever did receive

Saturday, September 27, 2014

maybe tomorrow will be great

I hate today.  Today sucks so hard.  Today is the worst day.  I want to go to bed and erase the things in my mind and close my eyes and make it be tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow will be great.  If not great, maybe better.  Hopefully better.

Hopefully better.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


I feel restless.

I know exactly what it is.  I am not content at all.

I feel like I need to DO SOMETHING.

Do you ever feel like that?

My legs wiggle when I sit still, like they are telling me to get up and just  do something.  Something important.  Something big.   Make a move.

Something intense is coming and the air is crackling.

And I walk around somewhat aimlessly trying to think of what it is that I should be doing to make it better.


Friday, August 1, 2014

app happy - my latest top 10 apps

I feel like everyone has an iphone.  Like, if you don't have one, why?  I suppose other smartphones have the same capacity, but I am definitely pro-apple.

I love to be organized, and I love to have as much as my shit consolidated as possible.  The iphone is perfect for consoloidating shit.  I'd probably be great at advertising.  "Great for consolodating shit!"  would be my slogan.  OK fine, I would suck in advertising.  

So anyway, I like to make my life easier because I can be busy and overloaded at times.  And I really do like to get the most out of my iPhone.  The following apps are the ones that help make my life a little bit easier and more organized:

1. Spotify.  I love this music app, which is why it is my number one.  I definitely use it every single day; at home, in the car, at the gym, on a walk, in a box, with a fox.  I've checked out a bunch of different music apps and I've found this is by far the best one.  The app itself is free, but I pay monthly to be able to download an unlimited about of music, and I think it's well worth it.

2. Mapmywalk.  This is a super cool fitness app, another one that I use a ton.  It's free, which is great.  It's really cool - you can see exactly how far you've walked and the time it took you.  It talks to you during your walk even, telling you your progress.  You can get coaching and sync your music, though I'm not too familiar with that aspect of it.  It also logs other exercise if you like to keep track of that stuff.  Definitely worth checking out.

3. Shazam.  OK, this is another great music app, and it's also free.  I've used this a lot.  What it does is help you figure out the name of a song that you don't know.  Like one time, I was in this furniture store, and there was a song playing that I totally remembered from back in the day, but I couldnt place it.  So I just opened the app, it listened to the song for a sec, then told me what the name of the song was.  And then all was right in the universe. Very cool!

4. Camera360.  (free) So far this has been my favorite photo app, and I've checked out a bunch of them.  It helps me mess with pictures and give them all sorts of cool edits and stuff.  It seriously is so easy and self-explanatory, even people who aren't familiar with editing can figure it out.  And at this point, it's the app that makes me look the least wrinkley, so I am all for it!

5. Period Tracker.   (free) OK, this one is pretty much just for girls.  I don't really know too may women who don't already have this tracker, but just in case, I'll tell you about it.  It's a great tool for (obviously) tracking your period - when to expect it, what kind of symptoms you have, when you're fertile, etc.  It even has a little ticker on it to track when you're intimate.  Because you know, that could be important.  And for the moody people out there, it also helps you track your moods.  Yay!

6. Heart Rate.  This (free) app is pretty much self explanatory.  I like to see what my heart rate is before, during and after exercise, probably because I'm weird.  It's so cool though, all you have to do is put your finger over the camera for a minute, and it tells you your heart rate.  It also tracks your history if you like to look back on that stuff.

7. Retailmenot.  (free) I'm a bargain hunter.  It just makes me feel better about shopping and spending money if I get some sort of deal on whatever I'm setting out to buy.  This app is great because you can quickly check to see if there are any current coupons for whatever store you are shopping in, and then go ahead and use that coupon, right there, digitally.  I never shop online without checking it out, because at the very least, you can find a promo code for free shipping.  

8. Dashlane.  (free) I have been using this app for a while now, and it's seriously saved me tons of stress and hassle.  It's a password manager, and makes keeping track of passwords and personal information (passwords, email addresses, IDs, credit cards, secure notes, etc)  really easy.  If you're anything like me and feel like you're mentally overloaded with that kind of stuff, it is so worth it.

9. Remote.  This (free) app has saved my life on so many occasions.  It's a totally easy-to-use app that turns your phone into a remote control (for apple tv or iTunes).  There have been far too many times where my apple tv remote control has mysteriously disappeared right before I am about ready to sit down to a marathon of Breaking Bad or something.  So necessary.

10. Hopstop. (free) I like to travel around, and for some odd reason, and I particularly like public transportation.  I know I'm weird.  Besides being weird I have a shitty sense of direction and can totally get lost or confused in big cities. First of all, it gives you transit maps to rail systems in most cities.  It also gives you directions to the closest subway stations or bus stops, the schedules for trains busses and ferries, and best of all, it gives you detailed directions (and travel time) via subway, bus, walking and biking.  It is practically impossible to get lost with this app. 

Monday, June 23, 2014

my kid just said v.3

"I'm not going to lie, I secretly hope for money.  And makeup."
-Brooke, age 8

At her sister's birthday party, Brooke decided to mention some things that she wishes people would give her out of the blue.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Things Moms say...

As a mom of four kids, a Norwegian, a dog, and a blankie called Nanny, I find that I am often surrounded by little people.  In honor of the impending Mother's Day extravaganza weekend ahead, I figured I'd post a few things that I've found myself saying in response to certain situations involving certain little people.

Would you burp like that if the President was here for dinner?

Get off of your sister's face please.

Do not whip your brother with Nanny!

We don't say kill you.

We don't say half-wit.

Please do not lick your meatball.

Please do not lick the door knob.

Quick! Get your undies on! You cannot go to the ice-cream truck naked!!

No, we cannot have skittles and orange soda for dinner.

Do not shoot your sister again, or you will sit on the stairs.

No, not ALL moms have those dents on their legs. Thanks.

Can anyone tell me why there is applesauce in my shoe?

I will spank your bare hiney right here in public if you do that again!

Little girls are not really supposed to drink coffee for breakfast.

Do you really want dirty little germs to build their little germ houses on your teeth? Good! then brush!

Why does your blankie have a leash on it??

No, you can NOT try to blow up a potato with gasoline.

No, rocks don't catch on fire. Wait, WHY??!

Maybe you can jump off the bridge when you're nine.

Not it!!!!!

I will pay you if you try out for baseball.

I will pay you if you wear what I pick out for one week.

Uncooked spaghetti is probably not considered a healthy snack.

Because jumping off the shed onto the trampoline is dangerous, that's why!

We don't say, "poop on a shingle."

We don't say, "pooped in your face."

If I hear the word "poop" one more time at the dinner table, someone is sitting on the stairs!

No, I will not give you $39 to buy a BB gun.

You can't live off of Pop Tarts and applesauce.

Who ate bee yo-yos* in my bed???!!

Is that my toothbrush that you are using on your doll's hair??!

Because I'm the Mom, that's why.

Any momisms you'd care to share?

*bee yo yo = Honeynut Cheerios.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

my super exciting night at home

On my last night at home (this is not unusual.  pretty much every night I have is at home, let's call a spade a spade), I:

Watched: a dvr'd episode of Orphan Black.  So good.

Shopped online for: a few Alex & Ani bracelets for two of my nieces, and a Tiffany's necklace for my other niece. Hopefully, neither of them will read this anytime soon.

Called: nobody.  I hate calling people on the phone.

Kissed: a couple of my kids.

Texted: my sister Ali.  She finished all of the levels of Candy Crush and doesn't know what to do with herself.

(Just so we are all in the know, I beat Candy Crush FIRST,  but Ali was able
to continue to play a few more levels on her iPad.  Apparently there were
extra levels online vs playing on your phone.  Who knew?)  
Wore: my momiform, of course.  Yoga pants, a tank top and a cardigan.

Hung out with: someone cute and nice.

Laughed at: someone cute and nice.

Cooked: leftover taco stuff and made a taco salad. Yum!

Well, shoot!  Looking at this picture makes me wish I had more leftovers!
Also, in case you were thinking I was overeating, that is not a dinner plate,
it is a salad plate.  It looks like a massive portion, but it wasn't.
Wah.  I wish it was.  Because it was great.

Friday, May 2, 2014

I'm (blank) because v 2

I'm (weird) because...
I'm happy being by myself or with someone I love in quiet solitude for extended periods of time.  Because I believe in hanging on and holding out.  Because I don't care if something hard or unusual or different seems like a far-reaching fantasy. 

I'm (a bad friend) because...
I hardly ever reach out, I suck at friend maintenance.  I hate talking on the phone.  I forget to send birthday cards.

I'm (a good friend) because...
I'm loyal.  I am always in your corner, and I will fight to defend you.  Because you can tell me anything and I will never betray your confidence.  Because I will listen and be there and not judge.  Because I'll always answer.  Because if you are truly my friend, I love you and will do anything for you.

I'm (sad) because...
Life feels too short.  I'm afraid there's not enough time to get to everything. Because sometimes you don't get what you wish for.  Because I don't know what I want to be.  Because I let people hurt me.  Because I hurt people.  Because I'm missing someone.

I'm (happy) because...

I'm (excited) because...
Life is good.  My people are safe and happy.  There's so much good ahead.

Monday, April 21, 2014

what my kid just said v.2

"It smells like a skunk pooped his pants in here!"
-Brooke, age 8

Apparently, something smelled bad...

Friday, April 11, 2014

things I am scared of. don't tell anyone.

I like to consider myself a tough girl.  I mean, I've been through enough stuff to feel like like I can take a lot.  But I do have plenty of fears, things that scare me.  About all sorts of things.  I might not show it outwardly, because I'm not shaking in my boots in front of anyone.  I know the irrational fears may be a snitch far-fetched, but I can't help it. 

I have a bunch of unusual fears and one is passing tractor trailers in the rain. I've had this fear ever since I could drive on the highway.  I inwardly panic. It’s not pretty.  But those freaking huge trucks splash a crap load of stuff on your windshield so you are momentarily blinded and could potentially go off the road and die a fiery death! I think that’s a pretty rational fear!  Also, I am positive that one of my kids is going to fall out of the car while I am driving on the highway. I have had many a mental freak out over the thought, and have had to actually pull over to just take a minute to chill out. Cod help me if someone opens a window in the backseat, because the sound of the window opening, like just the noise of the rushing air, would make me almost throw up – to me it sounds like the car door opening.  Is that weird? 

I am irrationally afraid of swimming in the deep end in the dark (did you ever read that short story by Stephen King about the oil slick??!!  It definitely took away my ability to ever skinny dip in the dark, (thanks a lot SK).  I'm also irrationally afraid of shark attacks. I am positive I got attacked by a shark in Mexico when I was 16. I didn’t have the actual wounds to prove it, but I KNOW it happened.  So I get super nervous swimming in the ocean, and feel like I am constantly scanning the horizon for misc fins.  Those sneaky sharks can practically come right up to the beach!!  And I know they want to take a bite of my meaty leg.

I am rationally afraid of the book American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis and the picture of the guy on the cover. I had to hide that book from myself because it scared me so much. Freaking insane, sick book. Not in a good way either. I beg you not to attempt to read it.  I realize mentioning it in such a manner might just make you curious, which is pretty much why I bought it and read it in the first place, but it was a huge mistake.  I am not even kidding guys.  I remember when I bought it, I had to request it, and they brought it out from the back room covered in brown paper.  Like, it was so bad.  I definitely threw it away when I was done.  I felt like, sick having read it.

Some odd food fears:  biting into a rotten tomato, biting into an apple and seeing a worm, or even worse - 1/2 of a worm.  Oh em gee.  And I totally can't stand the thought of accidentally eating raw chicken, ew.  I feel like gagging right now.

I am also afraid of pulling one of my kids limbs out of their socket.  Which actually happened once, to my poor little Meg.  She was about 3 and we were at Gymnastics, and she was doing that thing where she would walk up my legs while I held her hands and she'd flip over.  I was totally distracted talking to someone while she was doing it, but all of a sudden, she let out a huge, pain-scream.  And Megan has always been a super mild kid - not dramatic at all.  She literally full on screamed, the entire way to the hospital, not a cry, but a scream.  And her arm from the elbow down was just hanging there.  Ugh, it was awful.  I was so grateful they took her right in, and as soon as the doctor pulled it back into place (gross sounding but took about 1/10th of a second), she looked at me and smiled and said, "That feels so much better!"  In her little baby voice with tears all over her face.  It totally traumatized me.  

My fears aren't necessarily run of the mill - scared of spider-type fears.  Because I was a single mom for a long time, I had to deal with spiders and bad guys and the dark and all of that scary stuff on my own at a young age - I didn't have a guy there to smack the spider for me.  But I did sleep with a hammer under my pillow.  Not sure how I would actually defend myself with a hammer -- I guess I figured I could hammer the bad guy into submission? 

My BIL John, who isn't really a scaredy cat at all, is terrified of snakes.  He screams like a girl if he even thinks he saw one.  It's really funny.  I always picture him like one of those 50's housewives screaming on the chair in the kitchen because a little mouse ran through.  Incidentally, those housewives always wore cute aprons.  And had perfect hair and makeup.

I never wear an apron.  And my hair and makeup is pretty average.  Maybe I should wear an apron.  Hmph.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

funny signs

Uh, sorry... already happened.
Good thinking there, Mr. Sign Maker


No, thank YOU.

I like this church of no clothes thing...

Or you will die?

"LOL." -Netflix.  Hilarious.

Yes, please.  Please don't lick the walls?? Really?

Hm.  I just don't know how to respond.

Get  your boots and shoes repaired WHILE we cut your hair... seems legit.

Oh wow, it isn't there, is it?  Thanks for clarifying...

Friday, April 4, 2014

five favorites food type things

Maybe on Fridays I will do a list of five.  Five whatevers.  I'll need suggestions.  But since I am currently thinking about food, and wishing I could just have a handful of powerberries, I will do a list about my five favorite food type things.  

I did mention that I am a list-aholic, right?  I love lists.  Sorry.  I should start a List Lovers Annoymous.  Wanna join?

1. Avocado.  Honestly, I could eat an entire avocado every day with no problem whatsoever.  

2. Goat cheese.  I really love cheese.  I'm a cheese fan.  But something about goat cheese just makes me so happy.  I have this little kit to make my own.  It's really good with so many things...

3. Butter Crunch.  This is newly discovered, and GD amazing.  I'm in freaking love.  I basically need a heaping spoonful of this to make me happy.  It's like Paxil!!  In a jar!

4. Powerberries.  Ok, these are awesome.  And addictive.  In order to not overeat these, I have to pour myself 1/4 cup in a bowl, and just take my time savoring each little piece of chocolately goodness. 

5. Dunkin' Donuts Hot Cocoa.  In a k-cup, particularly.  So good.  Nothing compares at this point.  Apparently, their K-Cups are seasonal??  Who knew??  When I found out, I drove to as many Dunkins as I could to stock up.  I am down to my last few and I am so sad.  Wah.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

more words that blogger doesn't recognize v2

A while back I posted a bunch of words that that asshole blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize as words.  Of course I continue to add to the list as I come across other non-word words, because obviously.

Shitstorm -- I'm not questioning that blogger spellcheck tries to make this two words instead of a compound word - just questioning that it suggests I type the word "shortstop" instead.

Facebook -- That's just silly.  Facebook is as common as "and."  Pretty much everyone in the free world uses it.  And probably aliens too.  It's that cool, apparently.

Defriended - This goes along with the Facebook issue, of course.

Friended - and again with the Facebook.

Doozie -- Come on, really?  Everyone knows that was a doozie.

TMI - Acronyms are the future!  Get with the program, blogger.

Texting -  Testing?  Exiting?  Both words that blogger things I should change "texting" to.  Pretty sure "texting" has been going on for at least a decade now...

LOL - lolz?  Laughing.  Out loud even.  It's textese... let's go Blogger.

Textese - grr, blogger spellcheck is stressing me out.

Doofus - I'm positive doofus is a word.  I used to use it all the time.  In junior high.

PDA - Another great acronym that we all should be aware of.  Public Display of Affection.  We weren't allowed in high school or Mrs. Scott would smack us away from each other with a ruler.  No kissing in the halls!

Stalkable and stalkerish - In reference to stalkers.  Like, she's so stalkable, and he is so stalkerish?  Totally words.

wtf - Really?  WTF Blogger.

Scaredy - as in cat?

Skanky - as in ho?

Sucky - come on!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I'm pregnant! Or am I? Haha, April fools?

OK, imagine how great it would be if you were really pregnant and you waited til April Fools Day to make your big announcement?  Just so everyone would have to keep guessing for the next several months?  They would finally know you weren't playing a prank on them when you show up one day with a little babe in your backpack.

OK, so maybe not in your backpack.  What are those things called that you carry your baby on your bod?  I don't know... I never really used them.  Snugglies?  Snuggies?  I forget!  I'm too lazy to google.  You know what I mean!

So fine, I'm not pregnant.  (or am I?)  But you weren't sure, were you??  You were sitting there guessing, weren't ya?

If I attempted to have a baby right now, poor little one would have some seriously old siblings (and parents, actually).  Then of course I might have to go ahead and actually have two in a row because it might be a little lonesome being all little with no siblings its age.  Aw.

I think my worst part, besides inoculations, would be the crappy sleep.  I love my current crappy sleep.  I'm really used to it.  When I had Brooke I forgot about how annoying sleep disturbances are.  It was so shocking when I had to wake up every few hours and stumble around with my eyes half closed preparing formula.  And man, the piercing cry of a hungry baby can be enough to make you want to poke your own eyeball out with a sharp object.  And unfortunately, there are no sharp objects readily handy when you have a screaming babe in your arms.  I wonder if you could poke your eyeball out with a nose plunger.  What are those things called?  Nose suckers?  You know, the things you get in the hospital that suck the gunk out of your baby's nose?  I never once used one of those, if you were wondering.

Jeez, I really have forgotten all of these things!  I'm old!  My baby is 8!!  Holy shit.  My baby is really 8 AND A HALF years old...

You know, I hemmed and hawed about getting a puppy forever because all I was thinking about was crying puppy, poop on the floor, chewing my shoes... and guess what?  My puppy really never did any of those things.  Maybe an occasional poop on the floor til she was fully trained, but she never cried in the night, not even once, and she never chewed.  She was only very mildly annoying.  I mean, her poop on the floor was about the size of an earthworm, and that's not so offensive.  And now, I really like her.  It probably helps that she thinks I am the best thing that ever walked the face of the Earth.

Maybe the little things that I think would be annoying an adjustment with a new baby would actually be great.  Like, maybe it would be a silent baby who didn't like waking up in the night.  Or if it did, maybe it would be all, just feed my belly quick so we can get this over with and get back to our snuggley sleep, mom.  And maybe it would barely poop.  Maybe poop up the back when you are on your way out the door would never happen!  Eh.  It would happen.  It always happens.

I'm not sure why I am even discussing this.  I'm way too old for new babies.

Or am I?

Monday, March 31, 2014

your friend request was totally unacceptable!

I know Facebook has been out there for like, 10 years or so but I'm still kind of feeling my way.  I know, I know!  But it takes me a while!  Sheesh.  How can you help it though when the Facebook peeps find the need to change things pretty much right about when you finally feel like you have a handle on it?  

I actually kind of get a kick out of watching people lose their shit over changes on Facebook.  I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering. I try to roll with it. Changes happen!  It's social media guys, not like, something really important, right?

So anyway, my issue is with the most random of random people friend requesting you. I just don't get it. I grasp the spammer type request - like everyone seems to get the occasional friend request from that incredibly unrealistic hot person who has like, one photo, who just joined Facebook yesterday and has 297 completely random friends from all over the place, right?  I have no trouble denying that faux-hot spammer who really wants to be my friend. 

I just find it so uncomfortable being on the receiving end when someone I met once at a college party in like, 1987 (who for what it's worth was kind of cute back in the day) requests to be my pal. Because like, why? Why do you want to be my friend? Curiosity? How come you even remember my name?  Did we share a magical moment and I forgot about it?  Ugh.

I can't stand denying someone because it makes me feel all like a mean girl who is like, "No you can not sit at my lunch table!  Go away, loser!"  I really try to be a nice person but I don't want someone that I totally don't know potentially perusing my pics and things.  I mean, maybe they just want to reach out.  Maybe they just want to say what up.  Like, ok?  But I don't even know you.

I've had random townies request me.  People I know of, and some that I really don't.  Some people I recognize as having mutual friends, so maybe we've met before?  But still, I really really don't like thinking about them checking out personal pics of my kids!  

I also had a weirdo stalker lady friend request me and Facebook message me a few times.  And I had to forward that info to my parents (heh, that makes me sounds like a little kid), because it's a person who is kind of stalking my family, and they're working with the police about it.  So that was weird.

And also, the very few people that I have accepted that I don't exactly know never even comment on things or like things or message me - like they basically don't interact with me at all.  So like, are they just watching me like a peeper??  Isn't that kind of creepy??  OK now I feel a little skin crawly and I might actually go delete some people.

I don't know, how do you guys deal with that stuff?  Am I just a weirdo overthinking things, as I usually do?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

what my kid just said v1

"I mean, I'd like to consider myself Switzerland and not get involved, but don't get me wrong, I will talk about both of you behind your backs."  Megan, age 12

This comment was regarding who's side she was on in my son's recent groundation from his new car.  When he just got his driver's license two weeks ago.  He thinks I'm being excessive.  I think he's damn lucky I didn't knock his block off and take away his damn car.  And Megan is Switzerland.

me and my funny kid, Meg

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

the last word, v14

People Magazine has this feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on some of the last things they've done.  So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything (wait. what?!), I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?

The last thing I borrowed was hm.  My mom's nail polish remover?  I can't even think of the last time I borrowed something other than that!  I guess I'm not much of a borrower.  I had black chippy nail polish on, and we were going to church...(I know!  Right?)  I was kind of feeling like maybe it wouldn't go over too well with the old ladies. 

The last book I read was well, I'm still reading it actually.  I just started Allegient, the third book of the Divergent trilogy.  I bought it the day it came out, but I let Megan read it first, because we were both reading the series so we could chat about it.  Then like, the next day, after obsessively reading it, she stamped down the stairs and threw the book and had a minor meltdown because she was so mad about the ending.  I did not let her tell me what happened, but I've avoided reading it all of this time because I don't want to be so upset! 

The last text I received was, "I'm not the one who grounded me!" from my son.  It was about him not having a ride somewhere, because I grounded him from his car for two weeks.  Which was very deserved.  That's all I will say about that.  For now.

The last girls night I had was actually last week, when I met up with a few girl friends from high school for drinks and apps at this place I'd never been to before.  It was SO good.  I had these batter fried green beans (good food choices, holla!) with a horseradish dipping sauce.  Mmmmm.  My mouth just watered even.  It was nice to have a few hours to yap and laugh though, and one of the girls I literally haven't seen in person since like the last days of 11th grade.  That's a damn long time.  And she sort of looks like she hasn't aged.  Day-um.  It was also pretty nice to eat those deep fried beans beans from heaven. 

The last sunburn I had was like, two days ago.  I still have it a little even :).  I was floating in my mom's pool in West Palm Beach for several hours.  Just floating in the sun, talking and hanging and relaxing  (have I ever mentioned that I could probably be a professional olympic-grade floater?).  It was so nice and relaxing in fact, that I forgot to put on sunscreen.  I also forgot to take of my second brand new fitbit, and wore it in the drink like a dumbass.  More about that later. grr

My last obsession was, and still is, Trader Joe's Crunchy Cookie Butter (if we're talking food here).  Oh my word.  It's straight up heaven in a glass jar with a plastic lid.  I dare you to try it.  Just have a spoonful.  Or even like, dunk some skinny pretzels in there.  Ugh.  A. Maze. Ing.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Friday Food - Huevos Rancheros

I am trying to make better food choices.

I love food.  I like pretty much all types of food, and for that I am lucky.  When I feel like I have to curb my eating habits, or reign in a particular food group, or even focus more on another food group, it's not usually too much of a hardship.

My brother-in-law John (come to think of it my other BIL, T-bone, too) usually wants to pull out his gun app when I talk about food, because I can be long winded.  And apparently, who wants to discuss acorn flour for more than five minutes?  Wait, what?  Well sorry if I find acorn flour interesting, John.

Anyway, I have been working on healthy choices - buying good, often organic, clean stuff, preparing good stuff, and obviously, eating good stuff.  So I was thinking maybe I would share some of those choices, with pics and recipes and things, occasionally.  You know, change things up a little.

Do you think that sounds OK?  Maybe I will just share a little food picture of my recent favorite healthy breakfast, to entice you.  Surprisingly simple, not a ton of calories or fat, and pretty much hitting every food group.  The only thing missing is fruit, and I often have that as a side.

Any interest in the recipe?