So I was recently appalled.
I was chatting with someone about her vast and insane experiences in the online dating world, and she told me about one particular incident that completely had my mouth open in like, shock.
And you know, I'm not all innocent! I know things! I know there are all sorts of weirdos with weird fetishes out there. I mean, guys, people are weird.
As I said in a recent post (click HERE), I can't imagine being in the dating world these days, trying to navigate through a conglomeration of freaking crazy nut jobs, just to find one normalish dude who doesn't want to murder me on vacation.
ANYway, back to the weird incident. So apparently, she met this guy on an online dating site, and he asked her if she would be into the kind of thing where she would leave her door open on a night that was pre-determined, and he would sneak inside, in a mask, and hook up with her. No talking. Just a masked hook up. No pre-getting-to-know-you-are-you-as-weird-as-I-am coffee date, just a miscellaneous hook up with an unknown masked man. A faux-rape date, if you will.
Huh.
Do people actually DO that?? Like, the girl knows absolutely nothing about the guy - no name, no face, no way to give anyone any details if the guy turns out to be a freaking ax murderer. Imagine how it would go if you had to give the cops a description, "Well, he was in all black, head to toe, he was quiet and sneaky, hm.. average in weiner size... kind of crappy in the sack..." and the cops would be all, "Um ma'am, I don't think that is really going to help us with the investigation."
I was like, "Haha, I wonder how many times he throws that out there before someone bites." So she was like, "Well I was intrigued... it could be like a fantasy thing." And I was like, "OMFG, you're going to get killed." (This is not the first time I have said those same exact words when discussing her online dating experiences) And during this conversation, my cousin came along and was all, "OMG a person I work with was talking with the same guy on Tinder!" Dude gets around...
I guess it's a small, scary freak-show of a world out there in the online dating community.
Alex better not die because if he did, I think I'd be destined to be alone forever.
Showing posts with label people are weird. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people are weird. Show all posts
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Monday, February 29, 2016
11 totally awkward handshakes
Have you ever seen those youtube clips of funny or awkward handshakes? The expressions on the people's faces are like this hilarious combination of utter embarrassment and like, intense shame. One might wonder why I get such pleasure out of watching them. Probably because I feel awkward and uncomfortable in so many life situations, it's a little validating to see other people in the same boat. Or maybe just because I'm a meanie.
Anyway, I've outlined 11 examples of cringe-worthy handshakes that I may or may not have encountered at some point in my life.
1. The missed opportunity - ah, the one we all know so well. Sometimes referred to as the "I was just fixing my hair," or the "I was just itching my face," handshake. This is the shake where you go in for it, and the other person either doesn't notice your shake attempt or blows you off, so you instead turn your awkward outstretched hand into a hair pat or a face scratch. Because, how embarrassing?
2. The "I'll see you later, wink-wink" handshake - this is one of those shakes that just feels creepy from the start. Something weird was definitely going on there, you just can't put your finger on it, but you feel like you may have just been violated and your skin is crawling.
3. The "wanna arm wrestle?" aggressive handshake - a shake with pain potential, where you walk away feeling the bruises already forming and like a few phalanges could actually be fractured. This person is out there to prove something, not quite sure what, but probably that he is strong like bull and has really big muscles.
4. The "sweaty palmer" handshake - you know, that one where you shake someone's hand and feel moisture? Immediately you imagine urine and germs and that the person was just in the bathroom. Oh wait, that might be just me. Imagining someone in the bathroom, as opposed to thinking that you just shook hands with a person who has naturally sweaty palms. Either way, ugh.
5. The "let's hug it out, bitch" handshake - that person who shakes your hand then sort of yanks you into them in an awkward embrace. Like they really wanted a hug instead of a shake in the first place. Usually accompanied by miscellaneous back patting and the word "bro" being thrown around aggresively.
6. The "limpy limperson" handshake - this person needs a huge lesson on proper handshaking etiquette, because their hand is so limp and flaccid it just feels uncomfortable, and dirty. Like maybe you just touched something inappropriate, or dead and smelly. Like maybe you need to go wash your hands.
7. The fist bump fakeout - you go for a shake, they go for the fist bump, then it just gets uncomfortable because your palm just got fisted...
8. The "should we high five?" handshake - this is very similar to the fist bump fakeout, but the confusion lies in whether or not you will be high-fiving each other or shaking hands. One goes for the high-five, which slides into a low-five, then an awkward miscellaneous shake accompanied by uncomfortable laughter.
9. The two-hander, super genuine shake - a shake so genuine in fact, the person needs to shake with two hands to show you how very genuine they are. These are also referred to as the "sneaky politician" handshakes.
10. The lengthy lingerer - the one where you have to literally pull your hand away. These are the worst because they are usually accompanied by a long meaningful eye contact. I hate long meaningful eye contact.
11. The "secret handshake" handshake - this is the handshake that intends to just be normal, but then like, one person is not in on the secret. You shake, you think everything is all fine and dandy, and the other person ends with like, a double gun finger or jazz hands. Then you're left wondering, what the hell just happened?
Have you experienced any of these?
Anyway, I've outlined 11 examples of cringe-worthy handshakes that I may or may not have encountered at some point in my life.
1. The missed opportunity - ah, the one we all know so well. Sometimes referred to as the "I was just fixing my hair," or the "I was just itching my face," handshake. This is the shake where you go in for it, and the other person either doesn't notice your shake attempt or blows you off, so you instead turn your awkward outstretched hand into a hair pat or a face scratch. Because, how embarrassing?
2. The "I'll see you later, wink-wink" handshake - this is one of those shakes that just feels creepy from the start. Something weird was definitely going on there, you just can't put your finger on it, but you feel like you may have just been violated and your skin is crawling.
3. The "wanna arm wrestle?" aggressive handshake - a shake with pain potential, where you walk away feeling the bruises already forming and like a few phalanges could actually be fractured. This person is out there to prove something, not quite sure what, but probably that he is strong like bull and has really big muscles.
4. The "sweaty palmer" handshake - you know, that one where you shake someone's hand and feel moisture? Immediately you imagine urine and germs and that the person was just in the bathroom. Oh wait, that might be just me. Imagining someone in the bathroom, as opposed to thinking that you just shook hands with a person who has naturally sweaty palms. Either way, ugh.
5. The "let's hug it out, bitch" handshake - that person who shakes your hand then sort of yanks you into them in an awkward embrace. Like they really wanted a hug instead of a shake in the first place. Usually accompanied by miscellaneous back patting and the word "bro" being thrown around aggresively.
6. The "limpy limperson" handshake - this person needs a huge lesson on proper handshaking etiquette, because their hand is so limp and flaccid it just feels uncomfortable, and dirty. Like maybe you just touched something inappropriate, or dead and smelly. Like maybe you need to go wash your hands.
7. The fist bump fakeout - you go for a shake, they go for the fist bump, then it just gets uncomfortable because your palm just got fisted...
8. The "should we high five?" handshake - this is very similar to the fist bump fakeout, but the confusion lies in whether or not you will be high-fiving each other or shaking hands. One goes for the high-five, which slides into a low-five, then an awkward miscellaneous shake accompanied by uncomfortable laughter.
9. The two-hander, super genuine shake - a shake so genuine in fact, the person needs to shake with two hands to show you how very genuine they are. These are also referred to as the "sneaky politician" handshakes.
10. The lengthy lingerer - the one where you have to literally pull your hand away. These are the worst because they are usually accompanied by a long meaningful eye contact. I hate long meaningful eye contact.
11. The "secret handshake" handshake - this is the handshake that intends to just be normal, but then like, one person is not in on the secret. You shake, you think everything is all fine and dandy, and the other person ends with like, a double gun finger or jazz hands. Then you're left wondering, what the hell just happened?
Have you experienced any of these?
Monday, January 25, 2016
a couple of weird craigslist ads
Craigslist is so weird. I'm scared to use it, actually. It's too personal - usually when a transaction takes place, it's face to face, and I just don't like that. But if you scan the ads, you'll definitely find that some goofy weirdo has posted something hilarious. I appreciate hilarious, so I'm sharing because I am nice. My brief and personal comments are in red.
Craigslist Ad #248: Stripper Pole (Waco)
FREE!!! I have a stripper pole that i no longer need. She broke her leg and is retiring.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1358449695
--ok, ew. Sometimes I seriously wonder if these things are legit.
Butt-Pumpkin
One free butt-pumpkin. Do you want an old pumpkin that looks like a butt. Pick it up in the alley behind Inn-Joy/Small Bar/Thai Village. First come, first who gets butt pumpkin. You can hold it up to your butt in pictures and it looks like you have a pumpkin for a butt. Due to the high demand, we will no longer be taking calls. Thank you.
- Location: Wicker Park
--not quite sure about the butt pumpkin, but I was once given a carrot from the garden that looked like a guy with spiked hair.
Can we borrow your dog? – mw4mw
Hi So
We bought some bacon and some coffee this morning but due to being drunk we seem to have misplaced it.
We are 90-93% sure it's in our house somewhere. But where? We seriously have no idea. It's driving us nuts. We just want to drink some coffee and eat some freaking bacon. If you have a dog that likes smelling and finding bacon we would love to have him over. We will even feed you bacon once it's found. PleAse help
EDIT: it was in our couch. this took several hours and moments of hard thought. We still love dogs and welcome you and yours.
We bought some bacon and some coffee this morning but due to being drunk we seem to have misplaced it.
We are 90-93% sure it's in our house somewhere. But where? We seriously have no idea. It's driving us nuts. We just want to drink some coffee and eat some freaking bacon. If you have a dog that likes smelling and finding bacon we would love to have him over. We will even feed you bacon once it's found. PleAse help
EDIT: it was in our couch. this took several hours and moments of hard thought. We still love dogs and welcome you and yours.
-- these drunken posts make me laugh and remind me of college
Monday, February 2, 2015
you googled that? v4
Glad I unfriended you on Facebook - I remember this post. The one where I was discussing that I wished I could tell who has unfriended me so I could glare at them from afar.
Great conversation enders - Oh, everyone needs great conversation enders. I'm glad you were directed to me for that because I am a champion tapper-outer. It's my best quality.
Newborn baby boy testicles - You guys are gross.
Hey Jessee's tits - This very well may be referring to the kid's TV show, "Hey Jessie," and her t-words. Because there is no way anybody is googling me for that.
How to hot dog snappy - Hm. What do you think someone meant by that? My imagination is going in all sorts of directions.
Hey Jessee's tits - This very well may be referring to the kid's TV show, "Hey Jessie," and her t-words. Because there is no way anybody is googling me for that.
How to hot dog snappy - Hm. What do you think someone meant by that? My imagination is going in all sorts of directions.
Turned on by hipsters - Well aren't we all? Well, not the asshole holier-than-thou hipsters, obviously.
Muffies - I'm going to choose to think someone was searching for a muffin recipe here. And wouldn't you know, I actually posted a muffin recipe back in the day.
Mischievous girl - I'm OK with this, though I'm not sure why google sent someone here for that. I like to think I'm a mischievous girl. I like to keep people guessing.
Define wogging - Oh, I will define wogging. Don't worry young grasshopper, just click here.
Gross things that make you puke - well, I get this. I do believe that I have a weakness for gross things that make me puke. I mean, a weak belly that wants to puke when gross things are in the vicinity, like phlegm, or vomit, or dog poop or maggots.
Guess the movie baby deer - Probably got sent to the post where I discussed how Walt Disney was probably kind of psycho.
Muffies - I'm going to choose to think someone was searching for a muffin recipe here. And wouldn't you know, I actually posted a muffin recipe back in the day.
Mischievous girl - I'm OK with this, though I'm not sure why google sent someone here for that. I like to think I'm a mischievous girl. I like to keep people guessing.
Define wogging - Oh, I will define wogging. Don't worry young grasshopper, just click here.
Gross things that make you puke - well, I get this. I do believe that I have a weakness for gross things that make me puke. I mean, a weak belly that wants to puke when gross things are in the vicinity, like phlegm, or vomit, or dog poop or maggots.
Guess the movie baby deer - Probably got sent to the post where I discussed how Walt Disney was probably kind of psycho.
Friday, October 24, 2014
you googled that? really? v3
Monkey grabbing boob - This baffles me. Why do you want to see this? And what makes you think you'll find that image on my boring little mom-blog?
Beard sexy guy - Don't get me wrong, I'll search up a sexy bearded guy like nobody's business, because, obviously. But, why here?
Throw up in mouth a little - I always wonder what is going on in someone's mind when they search something, like, did this person just throw up in their mouth a little and they wanted to see what was happening?
WTF Batman - Hm. I say this occasionally. I guess?
Parents who swear at their kids - Jeez, I don't do this. I don't swear in front of my kids, or at them. Some people think I'm judgey when I say that, and maybe I am a tiny bit. But only inwardly judgey, probably.
Boy blowing - Welp. One could take this is many ways. I'm going to choose to think the searcher was referring to gum. Boy blowing gum bubbles. Because come on.
Fucking Christmas miracle - I did say fucking Christmas miracle more than once. Sorry.
Jesse Williams is hot - I conCUR.
Do cats have boobs - What in the world? But then again, do they Focker?
Brick laughing - If you aren't an Anchorman fan, this might seem like, weird.
Guns and Roses and sex - I'm assuming this is somehow in reference to the band Guns 'n Roses. Because otherwise, that's just scary or something.
Sexy super model camel toe - You guys are gross.
Camel toe - And again, really?
Beard sexy guy - Don't get me wrong, I'll search up a sexy bearded guy like nobody's business, because, obviously. But, why here?
Throw up in mouth a little - I always wonder what is going on in someone's mind when they search something, like, did this person just throw up in their mouth a little and they wanted to see what was happening?
WTF Batman - Hm. I say this occasionally. I guess?
Parents who swear at their kids - Jeez, I don't do this. I don't swear in front of my kids, or at them. Some people think I'm judgey when I say that, and maybe I am a tiny bit. But only inwardly judgey, probably.
Boy blowing - Welp. One could take this is many ways. I'm going to choose to think the searcher was referring to gum. Boy blowing gum bubbles. Because come on.
Fucking Christmas miracle - I did say fucking Christmas miracle more than once. Sorry.
Jesse Williams is hot - I conCUR.
Do cats have boobs - What in the world? But then again, do they Focker?
Brick laughing - If you aren't an Anchorman fan, this might seem like, weird.
Guns and Roses and sex - I'm assuming this is somehow in reference to the band Guns 'n Roses. Because otherwise, that's just scary or something.
Sexy super model camel toe - You guys are gross.
Camel toe - And again, really?
Monday, March 31, 2014
your friend request was totally unacceptable!
I know Facebook has been out there for like, 10 years or so but I'm still kind of feeling my way. I know, I know! But it takes me a while! Sheesh. How can you help it though when the Facebook peeps find the need to change things pretty much right about when you finally feel like you have a handle on it?
I actually kind of get a kick out of watching people lose their shit over changes on Facebook. I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering. I try to roll with it. Changes happen! It's social media guys, not like, something really important, right?
So anyway, my issue is with the most random of random people friend requesting you. I just don't get it. I grasp the spammer type request - like everyone seems to get the occasional friend request from that incredibly unrealistic hot person who has like, one photo, who just joined Facebook yesterday and has 297 completely random friends from all over the place, right? I have no trouble denying that faux-hot spammer who really wants to be my friend.
I just find it so uncomfortable being on the receiving end when someone I met once at a college party in like, 1987 (who for what it's worth was kind of cute back in the day) requests to be my pal. Because like, why? Why do you want to be my friend? Curiosity? How come you even remember my name? Did we share a magical moment and I forgot about it? Ugh.
I can't stand denying someone because it makes me feel all like a mean girl who is like, "No you can not sit at my lunch table! Go away, loser!" I really try to be a nice person but I don't want someone that I totally don't know potentially perusing my pics and things. I mean, maybe they just want to reach out. Maybe they just want to say what up. Like, ok? But I don't even know you.
I've had random townies request me. People I know of, and some that I really don't. Some people I recognize as having mutual friends, so maybe we've met before? But still, I really really don't like thinking about them checking out personal pics of my kids!
I also had a weirdo stalker lady friend request me and Facebook message me a few times. And I had to forward that info to my parents (heh, that makes me sounds like a little kid), because it's a person who is kind of stalking my family, and they're working with the police about it. So that was weird.
And also, the very few people that I have accepted that I don't exactly know never even comment on things or like things or message me - like they basically don't interact with me at all. So like, are they just watching me like a peeper?? Isn't that kind of creepy?? OK now I feel a little skin crawly and I might actually go delete some people.
I don't know, how do you guys deal with that stuff? Am I just a weirdo overthinking things, as I usually do?
I actually kind of get a kick out of watching people lose their shit over changes on Facebook. I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering. I try to roll with it. Changes happen! It's social media guys, not like, something really important, right?
So anyway, my issue is with the most random of random people friend requesting you. I just don't get it. I grasp the spammer type request - like everyone seems to get the occasional friend request from that incredibly unrealistic hot person who has like, one photo, who just joined Facebook yesterday and has 297 completely random friends from all over the place, right? I have no trouble denying that faux-hot spammer who really wants to be my friend.
I just find it so uncomfortable being on the receiving end when someone I met once at a college party in like, 1987 (who for what it's worth was kind of cute back in the day) requests to be my pal. Because like, why? Why do you want to be my friend? Curiosity? How come you even remember my name? Did we share a magical moment and I forgot about it? Ugh.
I can't stand denying someone because it makes me feel all like a mean girl who is like, "No you can not sit at my lunch table! Go away, loser!" I really try to be a nice person but I don't want someone that I totally don't know potentially perusing my pics and things. I mean, maybe they just want to reach out. Maybe they just want to say what up. Like, ok? But I don't even know you.
I've had random townies request me. People I know of, and some that I really don't. Some people I recognize as having mutual friends, so maybe we've met before? But still, I really really don't like thinking about them checking out personal pics of my kids!
I also had a weirdo stalker lady friend request me and Facebook message me a few times. And I had to forward that info to my parents (heh, that makes me sounds like a little kid), because it's a person who is kind of stalking my family, and they're working with the police about it. So that was weird.
And also, the very few people that I have accepted that I don't exactly know never even comment on things or like things or message me - like they basically don't interact with me at all. So like, are they just watching me like a peeper?? Isn't that kind of creepy?? OK now I feel a little skin crawly and I might actually go delete some people.
I don't know, how do you guys deal with that stuff? Am I just a weirdo overthinking things, as I usually do?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
you googled that?? part two
OK, another edition of you googled that? Because people are freaking weird. And I'm a little concerned that their weirdness brought them to my innocent little boring old blog.
So these two gems were recently googled, "can sloths eat dough?" and "supermodels with camel toes," and they were directed to my blog. This post in particular. Geez. And, omg. Sherilin totally called it - she said I'd get a bunch of pervy pervs searching for gross things, and she was right.
So these two gems were recently googled, "can sloths eat dough?" and "supermodels with camel toes," and they were directed to my blog. This post in particular. Geez. And, omg. Sherilin totally called it - she said I'd get a bunch of pervy pervs searching for gross things, and she was right.
Someone searched "i hate blowing my nose," and got sent to this post. To the one who googled that, I feel ya sister.
I don't really get "mothers who teach their daughters to go braless." I mean yes, I said bra-less, but not in the respect that I was trying to teach my kid to go without. I thought that post was about Boss Hogg and teachers.
Someone googled "Corey Haim dirty movie bucker" and found their way to this post about my top ten 80's teen crushes. Well I did discuss Corey Haim, but I didn't call him a dirty bucker. Whatever that means.
"Close talkers" could have brought someone to several of my posts, because I mention it every so often because it is a thing that really bugs me. But they were sent here, to my post about... you guessed it! Close talkers!
OK, so in searching "hairy guys in leather jackets," someone was sent to this post, where I discuss in detail a bunch of sucky dates that I have been on in the past. One of the sucky dates was with a super hairy guy, and another one was with a guy in a green pleather jacket. So yeah. Makes sense.
"False girdle advertisements" and "Bombshell Bra" understandably came to this post, where I talk about SPANX and the fact that wearing them is technically false advertisement if you're trying to pick up a guy.
So sheesh. It's kind of interesting and disturbing to see what terms are bringing people to your blog. So like, if you've made your way here and you're freaking weird, you can go now. Thanks.
I don't really get "mothers who teach their daughters to go braless." I mean yes, I said bra-less, but not in the respect that I was trying to teach my kid to go without. I thought that post was about Boss Hogg and teachers.
Someone googled "Corey Haim dirty movie bucker" and found their way to this post about my top ten 80's teen crushes. Well I did discuss Corey Haim, but I didn't call him a dirty bucker. Whatever that means.
"Close talkers" could have brought someone to several of my posts, because I mention it every so often because it is a thing that really bugs me. But they were sent here, to my post about... you guessed it! Close talkers!
OK, so in searching "hairy guys in leather jackets," someone was sent to this post, where I discuss in detail a bunch of sucky dates that I have been on in the past. One of the sucky dates was with a super hairy guy, and another one was with a guy in a green pleather jacket. So yeah. Makes sense.
"False girdle advertisements" and "Bombshell Bra" understandably came to this post, where I talk about SPANX and the fact that wearing them is technically false advertisement if you're trying to pick up a guy.
So sheesh. It's kind of interesting and disturbing to see what terms are bringing people to your blog. So like, if you've made your way here and you're freaking weird, you can go now. Thanks.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
you googled that?? v2
I love checking out what google searches brought people to my blog. It's so funny, and so... fucked up.
Apparently I am the expert of hipsterism. Who knew? I guess people are very concerned with hipsters, and this post was by far the most popular that I've ever written, I have had literally thousands and thousands of hits on that page. Shocking, right?
These are my all time top searches, the ones that brought them to what I like to refer to as the most Awesomest Famous Hipster post evahhh:
hipster
hipster fucks
fucking hipsters
asshole hipster
how to tell if your partner is a hipster
my friend is a hipster dick
how do you know that you are not a hipster
dark hipster
fake hipsters
hipster rocker
can hipsters be gay?
Damn. You people are really obsessed with hipsters.
And then we have these gems:
my husband's boss is handsome. Huh. I like my husband's boss a lot, but he is an old guy, like a grandpa (not that there's anything wrong with that). And I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned him on my blog.
three year olds with big boobs. OK. Well that's fucked up. Really? (a) I don't get why that directed someone to my blog, and (b) Huh?
sore core. Alright, I get this one. I wrote this post about trying yoga and how hard it sucks and how I had such a sore core and then I skipped yoga and just went to damnyouautocorrect.com because I was in a shit mood.
wtf walt disney. I also get this one, because I wrote a post titled WTF Walt Disney about how every Disney movie is scary and potentially damaging to the fragile little psyches of our kids.
brick banana. Whenever I see the word brick, I think of Anchorman, and I was all wondering, did Ron Burgundy mention a banana in his pants in that hilarious erection scene? But then I realized, no, no he didn't. Because it was the pleats, the pleats in the pants, not a banana. I wrote about a few completely different and unrelated things in this post, Brick from Anchorman happened to be one, and fruit flies on bananas happened to be another.
six degrees of monica lewinsky. I like the six degrees to Kevin Bacon thing. I think it's genius. Somehow I got caught up in six degreeing myself to Monica Lewinsky, and it really worked! It was very exciting. Obviously.
crotchal region meaning. It's good that people use the Internet to figure out terms and things that they don't understand. Because before google, life was just way too exhausting to try to figure out. But anyway, the crotchal region is a term that I kind of figured is self explanatory? No? Don't feel bad, blogger doesn't recognize it either.
xxx bungee sex bucket list. Well hey. What a good idea, a SEX Bucket list. Why didn't I think of that?? I may actually have to write a mini-sex bucket list... hmmm... not sure if I could share it on the www though. Unfortunately, this was just an innocent opposite bucket list post, not anything illicit or x-rated. Sheesh. You guys are a bunch of xxx porn pigs.
So of course, there are tons more google search words and terms out there that seem to bring a lot of people to my blog. Italian people really seem to like this blog, so like, Ciao! Benvenuto! (that's for the Italians) I also seem to get a ton of traffic from countries that I have never even heard of, and probably can't pronounce. Weird. Anyway, I'll post more of these google search things later. Because I need to finish a few things before I have to be Mom.
Apparently I am the expert of hipsterism. Who knew? I guess people are very concerned with hipsters, and this post was by far the most popular that I've ever written, I have had literally thousands and thousands of hits on that page. Shocking, right?
These are my all time top searches, the ones that brought them to what I like to refer to as the most Awesomest Famous Hipster post evahhh:
hipster
hipster fucks
fucking hipsters
asshole hipster
how to tell if your partner is a hipster
my friend is a hipster dick
how do you know that you are not a hipster
dark hipster
fake hipsters
hipster rocker
can hipsters be gay?
Damn. You people are really obsessed with hipsters.
And then we have these gems:
my husband's boss is handsome. Huh. I like my husband's boss a lot, but he is an old guy, like a grandpa (not that there's anything wrong with that). And I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned him on my blog.
three year olds with big boobs. OK. Well that's fucked up. Really? (a) I don't get why that directed someone to my blog, and (b) Huh?
sore core. Alright, I get this one. I wrote this post about trying yoga and how hard it sucks and how I had such a sore core and then I skipped yoga and just went to damnyouautocorrect.com because I was in a shit mood.
wtf walt disney. I also get this one, because I wrote a post titled WTF Walt Disney about how every Disney movie is scary and potentially damaging to the fragile little psyches of our kids.
brick banana. Whenever I see the word brick, I think of Anchorman, and I was all wondering, did Ron Burgundy mention a banana in his pants in that hilarious erection scene? But then I realized, no, no he didn't. Because it was the pleats, the pleats in the pants, not a banana. I wrote about a few completely different and unrelated things in this post, Brick from Anchorman happened to be one, and fruit flies on bananas happened to be another.
six degrees of monica lewinsky. I like the six degrees to Kevin Bacon thing. I think it's genius. Somehow I got caught up in six degreeing myself to Monica Lewinsky, and it really worked! It was very exciting. Obviously.
crotchal region meaning. It's good that people use the Internet to figure out terms and things that they don't understand. Because before google, life was just way too exhausting to try to figure out. But anyway, the crotchal region is a term that I kind of figured is self explanatory? No? Don't feel bad, blogger doesn't recognize it either.
xxx bungee sex bucket list. Well hey. What a good idea, a SEX Bucket list. Why didn't I think of that?? I may actually have to write a mini-sex bucket list... hmmm... not sure if I could share it on the www though. Unfortunately, this was just an innocent opposite bucket list post, not anything illicit or x-rated. Sheesh. You guys are a bunch of xxx porn pigs.
So of course, there are tons more google search words and terms out there that seem to bring a lot of people to my blog. Italian people really seem to like this blog, so like, Ciao! Benvenuto! (that's for the Italians) I also seem to get a ton of traffic from countries that I have never even heard of, and probably can't pronounce. Weird. Anyway, I'll post more of these google search things later. Because I need to finish a few things before I have to be Mom.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
wtf walt disney
Have you ever taken a moment and just thought what exactly the five classic Disney movie/stories are really about? I mean, honestly, it just occurred to me that they are all pretty dark and demented and rather scary.
I guess I always knew Bambi was scary. Like hello? Who thought that a story about a sweet little baby deer witnessing his mom get a cap in her ass was a great idea? Was that Walt's great idea? Well if it was, who knew Walt had such a skewed idea of what was an appropriate bedtime tale for your average kid.
And Dumbo. Poor Dumbo. So someone also thought it was a good idea to write a story about an elephant that everyone else made fun of. Those jerk bully animals teased poor Dumbo about his big ears. It must have been during a time period before the "pinning your ears back" plastic surgery was all the rage. And his name... Dumbo. As in DUMB-bo. How's that for your self-esteem, kid? And then the mean guys go ahead and lock his mom in a cage and call her a crazy. Were these stories supposed to put kids to sleep? Because, um. I'm thinking no.
Then we have Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. First of all, of course Snow White is a slave-maid to her mean old stepmother/Queen. Then we find out that the stepmother/Queen is actually a jealous murderous betch who tells this lumberjack guy to go and cut SW's heart out and put it in a box. Very Jack the Ripper-ish. Somehow I'm finding it hard to believe that at this point my five year old would be dozing off peacefully while sucking her thumb.
Anyway, then we find out that Snow White runs away and breaks into a house owned by a bunch of weird little guys who seem to do a lot of simultaneous and irritating whistling. So apparently she's a juvenile delinquent slave-maid. Finally, the story ends with the stepmother poisoning poor Snow White, then the stepmother subsequently falls to her death and gets herself mashed by a huge rock. Yeahyeah, Snow White lives happily ever after, probably suffering PTSD and heavily medicated, but still, happily ever after. Once again, that's some scary shit, Walt. Did you not have kids of your own?
All I am going to say about Fantasia is that not only was Walt dark and scary, I am pretty sure he was a stoner too. If you ever actually get the gumption to watch Fantasia, you're definitely going to want to get high. The attraction at Disney World? Super cool, a must-see. The movie? Weird as shit. And rather long and tedious.
And last but not least, Pinocchio. You know, the kid/puppet who is a damn liar. And have you ever heard of Pleasure Island? (wink wink) It seems like little Pinocchio may have also been a perv. So pretty much Pinocchio is a pervy wooden puppet, who turns into a naughty boy with a big nose who turns into a half-ass/donkey who turns back into a puppet and then gets eaten by a whale. Seriously Walt? Who makes this stuff up?
I have a lot more to say about the rest of those Disney movies, but frankly, I am feeling slightly traumatized by accidentally reviewing these particular five classics. I'm tapping out of this post. I will continue with my review of the next five Disney movies at a later date.
You're welcome.
And Dumbo. Poor Dumbo. So someone also thought it was a good idea to write a story about an elephant that everyone else made fun of. Those jerk bully animals teased poor Dumbo about his big ears. It must have been during a time period before the "pinning your ears back" plastic surgery was all the rage. And his name... Dumbo. As in DUMB-bo. How's that for your self-esteem, kid? And then the mean guys go ahead and lock his mom in a cage and call her a crazy. Were these stories supposed to put kids to sleep? Because, um. I'm thinking no.
Then we have Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. First of all, of course Snow White is a slave-maid to her mean old stepmother/Queen. Then we find out that the stepmother/Queen is actually a jealous murderous betch who tells this lumberjack guy to go and cut SW's heart out and put it in a box. Very Jack the Ripper-ish. Somehow I'm finding it hard to believe that at this point my five year old would be dozing off peacefully while sucking her thumb.
Anyway, then we find out that Snow White runs away and breaks into a house owned by a bunch of weird little guys who seem to do a lot of simultaneous and irritating whistling. So apparently she's a juvenile delinquent slave-maid. Finally, the story ends with the stepmother poisoning poor Snow White, then the stepmother subsequently falls to her death and gets herself mashed by a huge rock. Yeahyeah, Snow White lives happily ever after, probably suffering PTSD and heavily medicated, but still, happily ever after. Once again, that's some scary shit, Walt. Did you not have kids of your own?
All I am going to say about Fantasia is that not only was Walt dark and scary, I am pretty sure he was a stoner too. If you ever actually get the gumption to watch Fantasia, you're definitely going to want to get high. The attraction at Disney World? Super cool, a must-see. The movie? Weird as shit. And rather long and tedious.
And last but not least, Pinocchio. You know, the kid/puppet who is a damn liar. And have you ever heard of Pleasure Island? (wink wink) It seems like little Pinocchio may have also been a perv. So pretty much Pinocchio is a pervy wooden puppet, who turns into a naughty boy with a big nose who turns into a half-ass/donkey who turns back into a puppet and then gets eaten by a whale. Seriously Walt? Who makes this stuff up?
I have a lot more to say about the rest of those Disney movies, but frankly, I am feeling slightly traumatized by accidentally reviewing these particular five classics. I'm tapping out of this post. I will continue with my review of the next five Disney movies at a later date.
You're welcome.
Monday, April 11, 2011
It's not me, it's you. Online dating shocker.
So about online dating.
I was talking with someone this weekend who is currently doing the online dating thing and has had the most hysterical, disgusting and scary stories about her experiences. She typically goes on several dates a week, and so far so bad pretty much.
She has met some nice guys, no keepers, but it seems like the majority of them are players, looking for a quick hook up. In fact, just last week she went on a lunch date with someone -- first date -- they had a nice lunch and good conversation. He was driving her back to work when all of a sudden, he unzipped his pants and sort of took out his business. Right there, as he was driving. First of all, Who does that???! And secondly, how did he manage to maneuver himself in such a way that it was even comfortably possible? I mean, I know I have been out of the dating scene for like, fifteen years or so, but that can't be the norm these days. I don't care how many dates we've been on, if you are going to expose yourself to me like a perv, it's pretty much a deal breaker. Like immediately.
He seemed a little surprised when she asked him to put his business back where it belonged, and then even more shocked when she emphatically told him she was not even remotely interested in hooking up. I'm kind of curious to know if that approach has ever worked for him before. And when she told me this story, I was a little afraid for her life because that scene just reeks of serial killer.
I've suggested she write a blog detailing her crazy experiences. And trust me, this story is just the tip of the iceberg.
She's strong, funny, fun, sociable, attractive -- actually a great person all around. She started the online dating stuff because after a divorce, she moved far from home to a town where she knew pretty much a tiny handful of people. She is sociable, and having friends and hanging out is important to her. It just seems so hard to meet nice, mature people in a "normal" environment these days.
So anyway, I think she should quit the online dating stuff. It's definitely been great fodder - and great to laugh at her and also with her about the oh so awkward situations she has ended up in, but I have to admit I am a little scared for her life.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Close talkers make me very uncomfortable
I think I am warm and loving and engaged when I am in conversation. But I just can't handle when someone gets in my personal space. Close talkers make me very uncomfortable.
I mean, if I can see your uvula, you're too close to me. If I can see your nose hairs, you are too close to me. If I can see your ear wax, you are definitely too close to me.
What makes a person think that they can get all up in your mug and you'll be OK with that? Seriously, isn't it uncomfortable for them too?
I have breath anxiety. I am very concerned that if I have bad breath and someone is a close talker then they will walk away and think, she must have had a shit sandwich for lunch. That's my nightmare. That someone would think that I had a shit sandwich.
It's also my nightmare that someone with their own shit sandwich breath would be a close talker to me. I can't take bad breath in my airspace. It makes me gag a little. Then I have to talk with my nose plugged from the inside. You know, plugging your nose without actually touching your nose.
Also, if someone is a close talker I feel like it's very hard to make lingering eye contact. I find myself focusing on someone's teeth, or their earlobes or that tiny little scar under their eyebrow. And if I am not making eye contact, maybe they are thinking that I am rude and not paying attention. When in all actuality, I am just not digging the fact that I can feel their breath on my skin.
If we were in a club, and we were all off in a corner somewhere having a deep conversation and it was really hard to hear, then that is an instance where being a close talker would be OK with me. I mean, you practically have to be mouth to ear to hear over the noise of a hopping club anyway.
Incidentally, I haven't been to a hopping club in a really long time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)