you googled that?? v2

I love checking out what google searches brought people to my blog.  It's so funny, and so... fucked up.

Apparently I am the expert of hipsterism.  Who knew?  I guess people are very concerned with hipsters, and this post was by far the most popular that I've ever written, I have had literally thousands and thousands of hits on that page.  Shocking, right? 

These are my all time top searches, the ones that brought them to what I like to refer to as the most Awesomest Famous Hipster post evahhh: 

hipster
hipster fucks
fucking hipsters
asshole hipster
how to tell if your partner is a hipster
my friend is a hipster dick
how do you know that you are not a hipster
dark hipster
fake hipsters
hipster rocker
can hipsters be gay?

Damn.  You people are really obsessed with hipsters.

And then we have these gems:

my husband's boss is handsome.  Huh.  I like my husband's boss a lot, but he is an old guy, like a grandpa (not that there's anything wrong with that).  And I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned him on my blog.

three year olds with big boobs.  OK.  Well that's fucked up.  Really?  (a) I don't get why that directed someone to my blog, and (b) Huh?

sore core.  Alright, I get this one.  I wrote this post about trying yoga and how hard it sucks and how I had such a sore core and then I skipped yoga and just went to damnyouautocorrect.com because I was in a shit mood.

wtf walt disney.  I also get this one, because I wrote a post titled WTF Walt Disney about how every Disney movie is scary and potentially damaging to the fragile little psyches of our kids.

brick banana.  Whenever I see the word brick, I think of Anchorman, and I was all wondering, did Ron Burgundy mention a banana in his pants in that hilarious erection scene?  But then I realized, no, no he didn't.  Because it was the pleats, the pleats in the pants, not a banana.  I wrote about a few completely different and unrelated things in this post, Brick from Anchorman happened to be one, and fruit flies on bananas happened to be another.

six degrees of monica lewinsky.  I like the six degrees to Kevin Bacon thing.  I think it's genius.  Somehow I got caught up in six degreeing myself to Monica Lewinsky, and it really worked!  It was very exciting.  Obviously.

crotchal region meaning.  It's good that people use the Internet to figure out terms and things that they don't understand.  Because before google, life was just way too exhausting to try to figure out.  But anyway, the crotchal region is a term that I kind of figured is self explanatory?  No?  Don't feel bad, blogger doesn't recognize it either.

xxx bungee sex bucket list.  Well hey.  What a good idea, a SEX Bucket list.  Why didn't I think of that??  I may actually have to write a mini-sex bucket list... hmmm... not sure if I could share it on the www though.  Unfortunately, this was just an innocent opposite bucket list post, not anything illicit or x-rated.  Sheesh.  You guys are a bunch of xxx porn pigs. 

So of course, there are tons more google search words and terms out there that seem to bring a lot of people to my blog.  Italian people really seem to like this blog, so like, Ciao!  Benvenuto! (that's for the Italians)  I also seem to get a ton of traffic from countries that I have never even heard of, and probably can't pronounce.  Weird.  Anyway, I'll post more of these google search things later.  Because I need to finish a few things before I have to be Mom.

how to tell if you are a hipster

I have to admit, I am intrigued by hipsters.  I was intrigued by hipsters before being intrigued by hipsters was cool though. (joke. but not really)

It goes way back.  The attraction to the different, the disdain for the norm - the distaste for being a sheep, for trying to fit in - or Cod forbid, for being like everyone else.  Baaaa.  I was always fighting this desire to blend in and be invisible versus this desire to be able to just relax and be myself.  But I came to the conclusion that being myself may have drawn more attention to me, which I disliked vehemently - so I just stuck with blending in.  Being somewhat of a fake version of myself I guess.

I really think I was a wannabe hipster before I even knew what it was.  I liked their look for the most part. I liked the idea of a crowd that could march to the beat of their own drum, no explanation necessary.  But at some point along the way, it actually became hip to be hipster.  That in itself was kind of an oxymoron.  All of a sudden it became cool to be not cool.  Huh?

These days it seems like everybody hates a hipster except the hipster himself, obviously.  It’s like everyone has an opinion on who the “real” hipsters are, how original you are and if you’re just acting a certain way to fit into a certain crowd.  Like, you are not being genuine, authentic.  My inner wannabe hipster is so confused... I'm like, torn between two worlds.  The outer me is definitely not hipster in any form.  The inner me is always fighting to scream Fuck you!  Outta my way!  Leave me alone to mull obsessively!  Give me a clove cigarette! OK not really the clove cigarette exclamation.

Before I go any further, I should probably attempt to define the term hipster for those of you who are lost at this point.  Unfortunately, there is no clear description.  But there are these kind of vague judgmental definitions out there, so I'll do my best to help you understand.    

So there are two basic definitions out there.  The definition of a hipster by a hipster, and the definition of a hipster by a hipster hater.

How a hipster will define him/herself: “a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.  Although hipsters are technically conformists within their own subculture, in comparison to the much larger mainstream mass, they are pioneers and leaders of the latest cultural trends and ideals.”

How anti-hipsters define the typical hipster: “Hipsters can generally be identified by their completely unwarranted arrogance, passion for obscure bands, obtuse fashion sense, cheapness masquerading as quirkiness or upper-middle-class white self loathing. In actuality, most of the culture boils down to judging. Judging items, activities, bands, companies, clothes, oneself and most importantly other people. If someone else is less savvy, cutting edge or knowledgeable than you, they are worthy of mockery and disdain.”

So now I ask myself, could I actually be a hipster based on the typical stereotypes?  I’ll try to break it down.

The typical hipster garb:

Horned rimmed glasses, preferably thick and black (I do not wear glasses, however I am supposed to because I have terrible eyesight.  If I did wear them, they would more than likely not be horn rimmed.  I'd be willing to bet that's a style that I could not pull off)

Old nostalgic pop-culture t-shirts, skinny jeans or leggings, vintage anything, plaid, flannel or cowboy shirts, chucks and skinny hoodies (I would wear any old comfy t-shirt that wasn't ugly, I don't really care too much about what is on it.  In fact I have an awesome old soft Pearl drum t-shirt that I just dug out of a tub of clothes from the 80s. As far as vintage stuff, skinny jeans and legging?  Vintage rarely looks right on me, and skinny jeans are meh on me.  Hipsters are notoriously skinny, and I am so not.  The closest I get to leggings are yoga pants.  I'm pro-hoodie and I enjoy chucks - just not on me.  My feet are too big and they make them look like canoes)

Crazy thick beards or weirdly styled mustaches, hairy girl legs and armpits (Obviously I don't have facial hair, so that doesn't apply to me, but I would never go hairy armpit.  I just think it looks gross and smelly.  Hairy legs... I don't know - personally I am not very hairy so I couldn't grow guy-hairy legs if I tried, not that I would, because I just prefer the clean-shaven leg look on a girl)

Hideous sweaters (I don't believe I wear hideous sweaters, nor do I want to.  Certainly not the kind that hipsters typically go for - which would be something vintage, with messed up clashing colors and the glorious smell of mothballs.  Cardigans like Mr. Rogers wore maybe, except more ugly)

Knit caps, vintage fedoras or trucker hats (I don't hate knit caps.  If I could rock one I'd wear it - trucker hat? so no.  Fedora? meh)

Bedhead, tiny pigtails, bangs and colored tights (You know when someone has short hair but somehow manages to get it into tiny little pigtails?  I love that and I think it's really cute.  I also think short bangs and colored tights are adorable.  For a 3 year-old. Bedhead I don't usually do)

Tats and funky body piercings  (I may just shock my entire family and get a discreet tattoo, but currently I have plain old pierced ears and no body art)

The typical hipster is into:

Yoga and meditation (I think yoga is a good concept and it's awesome to be in tune with your bod and to be healthy, but my experience with die-hard yoga followers is that it's kind of cultish and weird, however I am rather limited in my worldly ways, so I could be way off base on this.  I may also be unappreciative of yoga because I can't do a lot of the fucking poses)

Vintage or retro everything - clothes, shoes and products found in thrift shops (I appreciate some interesting vintage stuff, but I really dig modern stuff too)

Books that you were forced to read in high school, JD Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, or Jack Kerouac (Uh. This is embarrassing to admit for a lover of books, reading and English class in general, but I’ve read and understood very few books like these.  I used Cliff notes.  Don't tell my kids)

Vinyl records Oh! But the sound quality! (You know, I really might be making a huge mistake in saying this, but I think the sound quality on vinyl sucks.  Yeah, I went there.  Change my mind and I'll love you forever) 

Vegan or organic (If I suddenly became rich, I'd probably go organic.  I'm still not there with giving up eating meat though.  I just love good food, and meat tends to be a part of that equation)

Old label brand or cheap beer (PBR anyone? Yes, Pabst Blue Ribbon, the beer of choice for the hipster. I hate beer)

Obscure bands/Indie music, music recommended by Pitchfork or the Village Voice it's like, "I listen to bands so underground, they haven’t even heard of themselves!"  (OK, so I am into different not always known bands and artists, but not to be ironic.  Just because I like them.  I also like some current pop, alternative, rock... I just like good music.  That's all)

Old movies, independent and/or foreign films, Wes Anderson movies (I can't get into that kind of movie usually.  I'm open to try, but for the most part, I just want to be entertained when I am watching a movie -- I don't want to have to think too hard)

Clove cigarettes (I don't smoke...)

Being ironic (I barely know how to coherently explain what ironic means)

Macs and/or anything Apple (I'm right there in the Apple loving)

Fixed geared bikes (Can't comment on this one because besides being a bicycle, I just have no freaking clue what they are)

IKEA (IKEA is gold to me)
Messenger or Courier bags No, not backpacks. (I don't carry either of these - I hate carrying bags - I prefer mashing everything into my pockets)

So if you wear those kinds of things or like those kinds of things, it doesn't automatically mean you're a hipster.  Just to clarify, I'm not here to judge - just to make observations.  Apparently the issue for the haters isn't necessarily about their fashion choices or their interest in eclectic unknown bands.  The thing that seems to get people all fired up is the superiority.  The vibe of the hipster is generally picked up as, "I'm better/cooler/more obtuse/ironically trendy/faux artsy than you are," and that's what seems to turn people off of the whole hipster culture.  Oddly, the hipster cares so much about how people perceive them, yet they go over the top trying to pretend that they don't care at all.  The ironic thing about hipsters is that they don't like to be judged, but they seem to judge everyone around them who isn't like them.  Hipsters judge people on being judgemental!  

I don't see any problem with any of the above mentioned things - except for the superiority of it all.  If you like vinyl for reasons of your own, go for it.  If you like old band t-shirts because that's your style - rock on.  If you're into what you're into - really, I don't care.  What I don't like is the trying too hard part.  The "I'm better than you because I smoke clove cigarettes, don't eat animals and go to yoga regularly" part, the "Dude. That was totes deck!" part.  I don't particularly care for that nagging feeling of constantly being assessed and ridiculed or judged, it's just not cool with me at all.

So yeah, though I am not a big fan of labels, I guess one could conclude that I have a little hipster in me (and his name is Atticus and he wears flannel and he lives in a loft in Wicker Park and he spends hours contemplating what it all means). In case if you were wondering, my inner wannabe hipster is not an asshole.  Maybe my inner wannabe hipster is a touch infantile with vulgar jokes (see above), but my inner wannabe hipster is pretty genuine.  The big difference between me and a hipster nowadays is that I truly don't care that much.  I am a nonconformist by nature, and though I might be into some things that typical hipsters are associated with, I am not going to be arrogant or obnoxious about my interests.  I'm into things because I am into them -- not because it's either hip or mainstream.


Anyway, I don't think I could be a true hipster because I'm too old, and I don't live in a coastal city.  Apparently, the majority of the people in the hipster club are in their 20's and 30's, the largest concentrations in NYC and San Francisco.  Damn.

I guess I'm done here.  


So, wanna attempt a guess at how many times I used the word "hipster" in this massive long winded post?