Friday, May 9, 2014

Things Moms say...

As a mom of four kids, a Norwegian, a dog, and a blankie called Nanny, I find that I am often surrounded by little people.  In honor of the impending Mother's Day extravaganza weekend ahead, I figured I'd post a few things that I've found myself saying in response to certain situations involving certain little people.

Would you burp like that if the President was here for dinner?

Get off of your sister's face please.

Do not whip your brother with Nanny!

We don't say kill you.

We don't say half-wit.

Please do not lick your meatball.

Please do not lick the door knob.

Quick! Get your undies on! You cannot go to the ice-cream truck naked!!

No, we cannot have skittles and orange soda for dinner.

Do not shoot your sister again, or you will sit on the stairs.

No, not ALL moms have those dents on their legs. Thanks.

Can anyone tell me why there is applesauce in my shoe?

I will spank your bare hiney right here in public if you do that again!

Little girls are not really supposed to drink coffee for breakfast.

Do you really want dirty little germs to build their dirty little germ houses on your teeth? Good, then brush!

Why does your blankie have a leash on it??

No, you can NOT try to blow up a potato with gasoline.

No, rocks don't catch on fire. Wait, WHY??!

Maybe you can jump off the bridge when you're nine.

Not it!!!!!

I will pay you if you try out for baseball.

I will pay you if you wear what I pick out for one week.

Uncooked spaghetti is probably not considered a healthy snack.

Because jumping off the shed onto the trampoline is dangerous, that's why!

We don't say, "poop on a shingle."

We don't say, "pooped in your face."

If I hear the word "poop" one more time at the dinner table, someone is sitting on the stairs!

No, I will not give you $39 to buy a BB gun.

You can't live off of Pop Tarts and applesauce.

Who ate bee yo-yos* in my bed???!!

Is that my toothbrush that you are using on your doll's hair??!

Because I'm the Mom, that's why.

Any momisms you'd care to share?

*bee yo yo = Honeynut Cheerios.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

my super exciting night at home

On my last night at home (this is not unusual.  pretty much every night I have is at home, let's call a spade a spade), I:

Watched: a dvr'd episode of Orphan Black.  So good.

Shopped online for: a few Alex & Ani bracelets for two of my nieces, and a Tiffany's necklace for my other niece. Hopefully, neither of them will read this anytime soon.

Called: nobody.  I hate calling people on the phone.

Kissed: a couple of my kids.

Texted: my sister Ali.  She finished all of the levels of Candy Crush and doesn't know what to do with herself.

(Just so we are all in the know, I beat Candy Crush FIRST,  but Ali was able
to continue to play a few more levels on her iPad.  Apparently there were
extra levels online vs playing on your phone.  Who knew?)  
Wore: my momiform, of course.  Yoga pants, a tank top and a cardigan.

Hung out with: someone cute and nice.

Laughed at: someone cute and nice.

Cooked: leftover taco stuff and made a taco salad. Yum!

Well, shoot!  Looking at this picture makes me wish I had more leftovers!
Also, in case you were thinking I was overeating, that is not a dinner plate,
it is a salad plate.  It looks like a massive portion, but it wasn't.
Wah.  I wish it was.  Because it was great.

Friday, May 2, 2014

I'm (blank) because v 2

I'm (weird) because...
I'm happy being by myself or with someone I love in quiet solitude for extended periods of time.  Because I believe in hanging on and holding out.  Because I don't care if something hard or unusual or different seems like a far-reaching fantasy. 

I'm (a bad friend) because...
I hardly ever reach out, I suck at friend maintenance.  I hate talking on the phone.  I forget to send birthday cards.

I'm (a good friend) because...
I'm loyal.  I am always in your corner, and I will fight to defend you.  Because you can tell me anything and I will never betray your confidence.  Because I will listen and be there and not judge.  Because I'll always answer.  Because if you are truly my friend, I love you and will do anything for you.

I'm (sad) because...
Life feels too short.  I'm afraid there's not enough time to get to everything. Because sometimes you don't get what you wish for.  Because I don't know what I want to be.  Because I let people hurt me.  Because I hurt people.  Because I'm missing someone.

I'm (happy) because...

I'm (excited) because...
Life is good.  My people are safe and happy.  There's so much good ahead.

Friday, April 11, 2014

things I am scared of. don't tell anyone.

I like to consider myself a tough girl.  I mean, I've been through enough stuff to feel like like I can take a lot.  But I do have plenty of fears, things that scare me.  About all sorts of things.  I might not show it outwardly, because I'm not shaking in my boots in front of anyone.  I know the irrational fears may be a snitch far-fetched, but I can't help it. 

I have a bunch of unusual fears and one is passing tractor trailers in the rain. I've had this fear ever since I could drive on the highway.  I inwardly panic. It’s not pretty.  But those freaking huge trucks splash a crap load of stuff on your windshield so you are momentarily blinded and could potentially go off the road and die a fiery death! I think that’s a pretty rational fear!  Also, I am positive that one of my kids is going to fall out of the car while I am driving on the highway. I have had many a mental freak out over the thought, and have had to actually pull over to just take a minute to chill out. Cod help me if someone opens a window in the backseat, because the sound of the window opening, like just the noise of the rushing air, would make me almost throw up – to me it sounds like the car door opening.  Is that weird? 

I am irrationally afraid of swimming in the deep end in the dark (did you ever read that short story by Stephen King about the oil slick??!!  It definitely took away my ability to ever skinny dip in the dark, (thanks a lot SK).  I'm also irrationally afraid of shark attacks. I am positive I got attacked by a shark in Mexico when I was 16. I didn’t have the actual wounds to prove it, but I KNOW it happened.  So I get super nervous swimming in the ocean, and feel like I am constantly scanning the horizon for misc fins.  Those sneaky sharks can practically come right up to the beach!!  And I know they want to take a bite of my meaty leg.

I am rationally afraid of the book American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis and the picture of the guy on the cover. I had to hide that book from myself because it scared me so much. Freaking insane, sick book. Not in a good way either. I beg you not to attempt to read it.  I realize mentioning it in such a manner might just make you curious, which is pretty much why I bought it and read it in the first place, but it was a huge mistake.  I am not even kidding guys.  I remember when I bought it, I had to request it, and they brought it out from the back room covered in brown paper.  Like, it was so bad.  I definitely threw it away when I was done.  I felt like, sick having read it.

Some odd food fears:  biting into a rotten tomato, biting into an apple and seeing a worm, or even worse - 1/2 of a worm.  Oh em gee.  And I totally can't stand the thought of accidentally eating raw chicken, ew.  I feel like gagging right now.

I am also afraid of pulling one of my kids limbs out of their socket.  Which actually happened once, to my poor little Meg.  She was about 3 and we were at Gymnastics, and she was doing that thing where she would walk up my legs while I held her hands and she'd flip over.  I was totally distracted talking to someone while she was doing it, but all of a sudden, she let out a huge, pain-scream.  And Megan has always been a super mild kid - not dramatic at all.  She literally full on screamed, the entire way to the hospital, not a cry, but a scream.  And her arm from the elbow down was just hanging there.  Ugh, it was awful.  I was so grateful they took her right in, and as soon as the doctor pulled it back into place (gross sounding but took about 1/10th of a second), she looked at me and smiled and said, "That feels so much better!"  In her little baby voice with tears all over her face.  It totally traumatized me.  

My fears aren't necessarily run of the mill - scared of spider-type fears.  Because I was a single mom for a long time, I had to deal with spiders and bad guys and the dark and all of that scary stuff on my own at a young age - I didn't have a guy there to smack the spider for me.  But I did sleep with a hammer under my pillow.  Not sure how I would actually defend myself with a hammer -- I guess I figured I could hammer the bad guy into submission? 

My BIL John, who isn't really a scaredy cat at all, is terrified of snakes.  He screams like a girl if he even thinks he saw one.  It's really funny.  I always picture him like one of those 50's housewives screaming on the chair in the kitchen because a little mouse ran through.  Incidentally, those housewives always wore cute aprons.  And had perfect hair and makeup.

I never wear an apron.  And my hair and makeup is pretty average.  Maybe I should wear an apron.  Hmph.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

funny signs

Uh, sorry... already happened.
Good thinking there, Mr. Sign Maker


No, thank YOU.

I like this church of no clothes thing...

Or you will die?

"LOL." -Netflix.  Hilarious.

Yes, please.  Please don't lick the walls?? Really?

Hm.  I just don't know how to respond.

Get  your boots and shoes repaired WHILE we cut your hair... seems legit.

Oh wow, it isn't there, is it?  Thanks for clarifying...

Friday, April 4, 2014

five favorites food type things

Maybe on Fridays I will do a list of five.  Five whatevers.  I'll need suggestions.  But since I am currently thinking about food, and wishing I could just have a handful of powerberries, I will do a list about my five favorite food type things.  

I did mention that I am a list-aholic, right?  I love lists.  Sorry.  I should start a List Lovers Annoymous.  Wanna join?

1. Avocado.  Honestly, I could eat an entire avocado every day with no problem whatsoever.  

2. Goat cheese.  I really love cheese.  I'm a cheese fan.  But something about goat cheese just makes me so happy.  I have this little kit to make my own.  It's really good with so many things...

3. Butter Crunch.  This is newly discovered, and GD amazing.  I'm in freaking love.  I basically need a heaping spoonful of this to make me happy.  It's like Paxil!!  In a jar!

4. Powerberries.  Ok, these are awesome.  And addictive.  In order to not overeat these, I have to pour myself 1/4 cup in a bowl, and just take my time savoring each little piece of chocolately goodness. 

5. Dunkin' Donuts Hot Cocoa.  In a k-cup, particularly.  So good.  Nothing compares at this point.  Apparently, their K-Cups are seasonal??  Who knew??  When I found out, I drove to as many Dunkins as I could to stock up.  I am down to my last few and I am so sad.  Wah.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

more words that blogger doesn't recognize v2

A while back I posted a bunch of words that that asshole blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize as words.  Of course I continue to add to the list as I come across other non-word words, because obviously.

Shitstorm -- I'm not questioning that blogger spellcheck tries to make this two words instead of a compound word - just questioning that it suggests I type the word "shortstop" instead.

Facebook -- That's just silly.  Facebook is as common as "and."  Pretty much everyone in the free world uses it.  And probably aliens too.  It's that cool, apparently.

Defriended - This goes along with the Facebook issue, of course.

Friended - and again with the Facebook.

Doozie -- Come on, really?  Everyone knows that was a doozie.

TMI - Acronyms are the future!  Get with the program, blogger.

Texting -  Testing?  Exiting?  Both words that blogger things I should change "texting" to.  Pretty sure "texting" has been going on for at least a decade now...

LOL - lolz?  Laughing.  Out loud even.  It's textese... let's go Blogger.

Textese - grr, blogger spellcheck is stressing me out.

Doofus - I'm positive doofus is a word.  I used to use it all the time.  In junior high.

PDA - Another great acronym that we all should be aware of.  Public Display of Affection.  We weren't allowed in high school or Mrs. Scott would smack us away from each other with a ruler.  No kissing in the halls!

Stalkable and stalkerish - In reference to stalkers.  Like, she's so stalkable, and he is so stalkerish?  Totally words.

wtf - Really?  WTF Blogger.

Scaredy - as in cat?

Skanky - as in ho?

Sucky - come on!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

random wednesday musings

Is there a meme out there for WTF Wednesday?  If not, there totally should be, don;t you think?  And I could be persuaded to make one.

And by the by, is meme pronounced "me me?"  Or "mem?"  Maybe "meem?" Mémé - like we are Fronch?  How the eff do you pronounce it?  I cannot be the only person who struggles with that.  Meme is a stupid word anyway.

I hate messing up pronunciations.  Once I said Bon Iver wrong, like "Bon Eye-ver," and someone was like, "uh, you do know that it's 'Bon E vare,' right?"  I was like, oh.  And then I felt like a dumbass.

Another time, when I was just learning about Quinoa, I asked a guy at this pretentious health food store if he knew where I could find "Kee-know-a," because jeez, that's kind of how it looks like you should pronounce it.  And he was all, "Oh, I've never heard of that before."  Like a jerk.  Then he goes, "Ohhh... you mean 'Keen-wa?'  Sure, it's right over here."  And in my head I was like, fuck you, ass.

That's my worst thing, feeling like a dumbass.

On another note, I feel very discombobulated because I accidentally put a lotion on that kind of has a fragrance that is overpowering and it is totally stuck in my nose holes and I don't even smell like myself.  Seriously.  WTF, Wednesday.  I might need a re-shower.  

And just an observation.  Did you ever notice that there are no black emojis?  Like, why is that?  I think there's the Indian guy with the turban, but besides that, I have not seen one black emoji.  I wonder why.

Also, I am trying to reset my metabolism.  So far I think it might be working.  I'll keep you posted.  Later bloggers!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I'm pregnant! Or am I? Haha, April fools?

OK, imagine how great it would be if you were really pregnant and you waited til April Fools Day to make your big announcement?  Just so everyone would have to keep guessing for the next several months?  They would finally know you weren't playing a prank on them when you show up one day with a little babe in your backpack.

OK, so maybe not in your backpack.  What are those things called that you carry your baby on your bod?  I don't know... I never really used them.  Snugglies?  Snuggies?  I forget!  I'm too lazy to google.  You know what I mean!

So fine, I'm not pregnant.  (or am I?)  But you weren't sure, were you??  You were sitting there guessing, weren't ya?

If I attempted to have a baby right now, poor little one would have some seriously old siblings (and parents, actually).  Then of course I might have to go ahead and actually have two in a row because it might be a little lonesome being all little with no siblings its age.  Aw.

I think my worst part, besides inoculations, would be the crappy sleep.  I love my current crappy sleep.  I'm really used to it.  When I had Brooke I forgot about how annoying sleep disturbances are.  It was so shocking when I had to wake up every few hours and stumble around with my eyes half closed preparing formula.  And man, the piercing cry of a hungry baby can be enough to make you want to poke your own eyeball out with a sharp object.  And unfortunately, there are no sharp objects readily handy when you have a screaming babe in your arms.  I wonder if you could poke your eyeball out with a nose plunger.  What are those things called?  Nose suckers?  You know, the things you get in the hospital that suck the gunk out of your baby's nose?  I never once used one of those, if you were wondering.

Jeez, I really have forgotten all of these things!  I'm old!  My baby is 8!!  Holy shit.  My baby is really 8 AND A HALF years old...

You know, I hemmed and hawed about getting a puppy forever because all I was thinking about was crying puppy, poop on the floor, chewing my shoes... and guess what?  My puppy really never did any of those things.  Maybe an occasional poop on the floor til she was fully trained, but she never cried in the night, not even once, and she never chewed.  She was only very mildly annoying.  I mean, her poop on the floor was about the size of an earthworm, and that's not so offensive.  And now, I really like her.  It probably helps that she thinks I am the best thing that ever walked the face of the Earth.

Maybe the little things that I think would be annoying an adjustment with a new baby would actually be great.  Like, maybe it would be a silent baby who didn't like waking up in the night.  Or if it did, maybe it would be all, just feed my belly quick so we can get this over with and get back to our snuggley sleep, mom.  And maybe it would barely poop.  Maybe poop up the back when you are on your way out the door would never happen!  Eh.  It would happen.  It always happens.

I'm not sure why I am even discussing this.  I'm way too old for new babies.

Or am I?

Monday, March 31, 2014

your friend request was totally unacceptable!

I know Facebook has been out there for like, 10 years or so but I'm still kind of feeling my way.  I know, I know!  But it takes me a while!  Sheesh.  How can you help it though when the Facebook peeps find the need to change things pretty much right about when you finally feel like you have a handle on it?  

I actually kind of get a kick out of watching people lose their shit over changes on Facebook.  I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering.  I try to roll with it.  Changes happen!  It's social media guys, not like, something really important, right?

So anyway, my issue is with the most random of random people friend requesting you.  I just don't get it.  I grasp the spammer type request - like everyone seems to get the occasional friend request from that incredibly unrealistic hot person who has like, one photo, who just joined Facebook yesterday and has 297 completely random friends from all over the place, right?  I have no trouble denying that faux-hot spammer who really wants to be my friend. 

I just find it so uncomfortable being on the receiving end when someone I met once at a college party in like, 1987 (who for what it's worth was kind of cute back in the day) requests to be my pal.  Because like, why?  Why do you want to be my friend?  Curiosity?  How come you even remember my name?  Did we share a magical moment and I forgot about it?  Ugh.

I can't stand denying someone because it makes me feel all like a mean girl who is like, "No you can not sit at my lunch table!  Go away, loser!"  I really try to be a nice person but I don't want someone that I totally don't know potentially perusing my pics and things.  I mean, maybe they just want to reach out.  Maybe they just want to say what up.  Like, ok?  But I don't even know you.

I've had random townies request me.  People I know of, and some that I really don't.  Some people I recognize as having mutual friends, so maybe we've met before?  But still, I really really don't like thinking about them checking out personal pics of my kids!  

I also had a weirdo stalker lady friend request me and Facebook message me a few times.  And I had to forward that info to my parents (heh, that makes me sounds like a little kid), because it's a person who is kind of stalking my family, and they're working with the police about it.  So that was weird.

And also, the very few people that I have accepted that I don't exactly know never even comment on things or like things or message me - like they basically don't interact with me at all.  So like, are they just watching me like a peeper??  Isn't that kind of creepy??  OK now I feel a little skin crawly and I might actually go delete some people.

I don't know, how do you guys deal with that stuff?  Am I just a weirdo overthinking things, as I usually do?