Tuesday, October 4, 2016

silently judgey vegans and vegetarians and Whole Foods

Usually I only go to Whole Foods for a specific thing. Because really, who does their regular grocery shopping there? Pale vegans who are silently judging me for forgetting to bring recyclable bags? Snooty vegetarians who are eyeballing me with disgust for having chicken wing grease on my earlobe?

Definitely rich, pale vegans and snooty vegetarians who drive Volvos. Because lets face it, it really is so expensive there!

Unfortunately going in for one specific obscenely expensive healthy thing pretty much always ends up with more than one obscenely expensive and healthy thing, and me walking longingly through the salad bar/deli/bakery area. Because guys, there really is so much there that looks great.

Sometimes I will cave and get some ready to eat food, like pistachio shortbread cookies or something. That's ready to eat, right? Maybe they don't exactly fall into the healthy category, but you say tomato.

So anyway, despite the fact that I just slightly made fun of vegans and vegetarians, I've been shockingly and strongly considering going vegetarian.

I've been reading about how much healthier it is, and I've got to do something to get healthier. Plus, you know, it does make me feel shitty knowing how the animals that we eat are generally treated. I try not to think about it it too much, but really. I will say that I actually do make a pretty big effort to get free range meat and wild caught fish and stuff.

Megan went vegetarian for a year, then took a little break. She was having relentless cravings for some chicken wings, so she fell off the wagon. She recently started up again. It's kind of a pain, worrying about making different meals, or adjusting things, but I do admire her dedication, and also, she actually makes her own stuff a lot.

The problem is, Alex has been on a no carb kick for a few months. So like, wtf am I supposed to make for dinner that everyone can eat?? No meat, because Megan, but no pasta, because Alex. I'm pretty much effed. I've been like a short order cook and that is my nightmare.

I still think I'm going to try. I wonder if I'll turn into one of those judgey vegetarians if I eliminate meat. Will I give the side-eye if Alex brings home a big fat drippy steak or something? 

Eh, probably not. I'm not a judgey kind of person. I do my own thing, and really feel like more power to you for doing yours. 

Anyway, maybe I will start tomorrow because I have some fantastic looking chicken salad that I was planning on eating for lunch. That might not be the right attitude, but sorry. That chicken salad keeps looking at me every time I open the fridge. I have terrible will power.

Monday, October 3, 2016

october and picking apples and hiking, empty nest style

How can your average person tell that it's October?


Those little cuties are by far the best shaped peanut butter cups. Let's all just face it, they definitely have the best peanut butter to chocolate ratio. Mmmm

Also pumpkins! And mums! And an abundance of city people slumming it upstate to go apple picking for cute fall-ish Instagram posts to ooh and aah over.

That was rather cynical sounding of me wasn't it?  Sorry. No offense.

But really.

I live near so many great farms and orchards.  Right now I have overflowing bags of fresh apples in my kitchen. I can't get enough of them. I've actually got some crockpot applesauce cooking right now. Not sure if anything could smell any better than that.

Last weekend Alex and I went off apple picking like weird little empty nesters. Like, it was so strange not having any kids with us. Both of the girls were off doing their own things with their friends, and of course Alex is away at college, so we went for it. Just the two of us. We took a nice ride in the country to this awesome orchard that has corn mazes and tractor rides and hay slides and stuff. We definitely felt like the minority because most people there had little kids with them.

We also felt kind of free and nice, doing our own thing. My favorite thing about the orchard that we went to is the fresh, hot cider donuts. All cinnamon-y and warm... SO GOOD, not even kidding. Besides a huge bag of apples, we picked raspberries and strawberries and got some fresh pressed apple cider and mini pumpkins. Not much better than that! It was pretty fun.

After hitting the farm, we went to a really cool spot for a picnic lunch and a good hard hike. It was such a gorgeous day. The place has all of these awesome rock faces and cool trails, but on a really nice day, it can get a little crowded. As nice as it was with just us, I definitely missed having the kids there. I like my kids, they really are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. 

Maybe we'll take them there next weekend. I'll definitely need another bag of those donuts..

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

fall and a/c and childhood fantasies gone awry

Isn't fall the most pleasant season of the year?

Well, even if you disagree, I still think so. FYI: My kids often tell me that I really am always right.

Because pumpkins! apples! leaves! oh my.

See what I did right there?  Also, pumpkin spicy flavored things... yeah... so good. But I refuse to get on the pumpkin spice bandwagon because too many people are already on that thing. It's very crowded on that bandwagon. I'll be on my own little bandwagon over here, just like, sniffing your latte from afar.

Also, doesn't it just seem like the start of something new? It just smells good out there, in the fresh air.  Finally I can open a few windows and turn off the stupid, stupid limping-along-for-one-final-season crappy A/C. (can you tell I have some strong feelings about my stupid a/c?)

Speaking of A/C, I may or may not have recently said, "I could definitely live off the grid, as long as there was some way to have A/C and music." Because really, who likes to be sweaty? And also, I need to have my music. 

So I definitely think I could figure out a "live off the grid" scenario involving A/C as needed and daily music. Generator?  Maybe solar panels?  Haha, imagine using SOLAR panels for cold air... like, you are using heat to generate cold..  Weird.  I'm weird. Fine. We already know that. But really, am I the only person who has ever considered that?

On another note, I so want to call someone an EFFING ASSHOLE, but I am restraining myself and hoping to get over it.

Also, isn't it so stupid when you go into the self checkout lane at the grocery store, and no matter what happens or how many items you try to scan, something always goes wrong where the lady has to come over and punch in a code, or insert a key and fix it for you?  Like, I freaking swear to God I am not trying to sneak a gallon of milk in the baggage area without scanning it. Stop telling me that something is in the baggage area that doesn't belong, asshole computerized checkout lady voice! Just, let me live out my childhood fantasy of being a checkout girl and fucking get through this!  God!

Anyway, how's your Wednesday going?

Monday, September 26, 2016

Is it just me or did it suddenly become popular to be an introvert?

Man. Lately it feels like every grown up person you know or meet claims to be an introvert.

I don't know about you, but like, when did it become so popular to be one of those?

All of a sudden, there are internet quizzes galore, and opportunities to stake your claim in the introvert family. Maybe it's cool now?

I don't know exactly if I like being an introvert, because I legitimately am one. I just know that I've never been anything else.

I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like I needed to have considerable time alone to feel ok. I don't know what it feels like to not be overly consumed with my own thoughts and feelings, to not be shy, to hate to be the center of attention, or even on the edges of attention.

I think it's pretty cool that the term introvert, as related to people, was introduced by Carl Jung, who is definitely one of my favorite psychologists to read about. He described introverts as people whose motives and actions are primarily directed inward, people who tend to be preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings and often minimize their contact with other people.

So yeah. A lot of that describes me.

Though I do hate that it kind of sounds like introverts are selfish. Because I don't think I'm selfish. Or like, maybe I am a little, but I also think I am kind and giving. Selfish is a shitty characteristic, I know a few narcissistic and egotistical people, and I don't think I am anything like them. I sure hope that I'm not.

Whoa. I just looked up the word "selfish," and these are some of the synonyms: narcissistic, egotistical, ungenerous, mean, stingy, self centered. OMG, I know someone exactly like that. I can't believe I ever thought I liked them. Maybe of those characteristics I would consider myself self-centered, but only in the sense that I am often in my own head, focusing so much on my own thoughts and feelings, not in the sense that I think I'm all that. Because I definitely don't think I'm all that.

It's funny that I married an extrovert. It's actually probably the best thing, because it forces me out of my own little shell sometimes. Alex is the exact opposite of me - he loves to be the center of attention, it's where he feels the most comfy. I don't think anyone would ever use the words "shy" or "quiet" to describe him. He's the guy who is always in the middle of the room, making new friends wherever he goes, and pretty much everyone likes him. And also, he hates to be alone.

In fact, the reason Alex and I met was because of how much he hates to be alone. His parents had moved away, and like, after class and work, the thought of going home to an empty house was like his worst nightmare. So he used to go to my sister's house a lot, she'd make him dinner and he'd stick around to watch TV for a while, he was good friends and soccer buddies with my brother-in-law. So of course, I was at my sisters a lot as well, and both being single, we often ended up kind of thrown together. I liked his confidence. He wasn't wimpy. 

I'd say it worked out pretty well. I guess opposites do attract.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

have you ever hated someone?

WTF, all of a sudden this blog seems to be all intense and like, opposite of what it originally was. Originally, I think the goal was to just write lightheartedly about my boring, average, every day life.

Nobody wants to get all deep and personal, right?

So anyway, have you ever hated somebody?

I have.

In high school I hated this girl who, without fail, tried to get with every guy that I liked. And don't ask me why but whoever it was that I liked at the time would get with her (minus one dude who thank God never went there because I would have been devastated). I say don't ask me why because she had such an RBF (resting bitch face). Like, she was definitely pretty, I'll give her that. Super short (possibly even abnormally short, but maybe I am just being bitter) but pretty.  And also she had a square resting bitch face, but I suppose that's beside the point. Besides the RBF, she also actually was a nasty, unpleasant, bitchy little short girl.

Why do guys like people like that?  The challenge? Maybe the same reason why girls will gravitate towards the dick-ish guys.. probably that. I'd like to think they learn some kind of lesson, getting with a bitchy/dick-sh person. Hopefully the lesson is something like, Don't get with people like that because they're mean and they're jerks.

But you know, in high school I was a pretty low-key, fly under the radar kind of person. Like, I would never have purposely done anything to draw attention to myself. Drawing attention to myself was like, my worst nightmare. So whenever we clashed, me and the girl, it was always like, just to the point where I would throw mental 'I hate you with every ounce of my being' daggers at her. Because, God forbid, I would never have confronted her. Because I was definitely way too chicken to go there.

I know she felt the mental daggers. 

That little jerk.

I still feel a little hateful. Isn't that terrible of me? It has pretty much been THIRTY YEARS now. Whoa. That's a damn long time to hang on to something so dumb. It's definitely time to get over it. Fine, I'm so over it, it's not even funny.  When I actually just searched my brain for any semblance of real hate towards her, I only felt a twinge.

In other news, I'm going to try not to hate anyone else too hard today. But the truth is, some people deserve it, don't they?

Thursday, September 8, 2016

blah blah blah...

I used to write in a journal. Like good old fashioned pencil (or pen) on paper writing.

I kind of packed them up one day and never did it again. I'm not sure what made me quit. Maybe the fact that I felt like I wasn't being totally honest, that the "feelings" I was writing about were minimized or just not even addressed.

So what's the point even, if you're not being honest, or even if you are omitting certain significant things because maybe you just don't want to see it written out loud. As if not seeing it makes it not true.

I think that's kind of why I mostly quit blogging when I did. When I got the vibe that people I knew might actually be reading what I wrote, I pretty much panicked. It felt a little bit like someone I knew found my diary and read every last word.

It's funny, writing a public blog when you feel like in general, you're a pretty private person.  Like, the me that I typically put out there in the world is definitely a censored, less mentally unstable version of myself. Because let's face it, I'm slightly mental. Or, what's the opposite of slightly? Considerably?  Completely? Maybe somewhere in that realm of crazy.

I'm pretty much ok with that. I mean, I've lived with myself for my whole life, so, you know, I get me. But I don't think anyone else really gets me, and that's my own fault. Like, when you censor yourself to appear "normal" or to fit in, you're really presenting a different version of you. And if someone likes the you that you are most often presenting, they don't even know who they like.

Well that just got confusing right there.

I have no idea what the point of this post is. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that there really is no point, I'm just rambling away for no apparent reason.

I'll leave it at that.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Lesson learned the hard way; on friend break-ups

I really think that friend break-ups can be just as traumatic as couple break-ups can be.

One time I had a friend break-up, and it literally broke my heart. Shattered. Tiny little pieces. Like, stupid crying every single day out of nowhere. I do understand what 'literally' means, I honestly felt like my heart was broken. It hurt. You know that thickness in your chest, where it feels like you can't fully breathe? All of the time. It was so much worse than any "real boyfriend" breakup that I ever had. It was brutal and I was devastated.

When you pretty much spend time almost every day with someone for years, getting to know them, connecting deeply and profoundly caring about them, it's pretty much one of the hardest things you could imagine experiencing when it's callously ripped away from you. Especially if you're anything like me, and struggle to let people get close to you in the first place. Especially if you know they are pushing you away and replacing you with someone newer and shinier, someone that they suddenly think they like better. After everything, they are replacing you. 

Without trying to sound dramatic, when I was in the thick of it, I really didn't think I would ever be okay again. It didn't help that my friend kept kind of meanly reeling me back in at whim, then throwing me away. Over and over, and over again. Confusing me with mixed messages. Jerking me around like a rag doll. Using me when it was convenient, or when they were bored. It's the definition of cruel.

And idiot that I was, I let it happen because I couldn't let it go, I just couldn't do it. Somehow my identity was so wrapped up and entwined in this other world, I don't know if I knew who I was without the friendship. And more than anything, I didn't want it to end. I really didn't. I think I was willing to put up with everything, anything, because at least they were in my life in some capacity.

Even though it doesn't sting quite so badly anymore, and thinking about everything doesn't make it so hard to breathe anymore, I still feel like it affects me and the way I manage friendships and my life. I suppose it probably always will. I don't think I will ever recover fully from that. Like, why would I get so close to someone again? I learned that it's not worth it. It'll never be worth it.

After a long, long while, I was surprised when I felt a real smile happen again. I was surprised when I felt the sun warm the back of my legs and it felt good, not wrong. It shocked me when one day I realized that I swallowed something and didn't feel a lump in my throat, one day I listened to music and didn't feel the familiar tears filling my eyes. One day I just forgot to think about everything, forgot to think about that horrible feeling of betrayal and jealousy and my friend who threw me away. I guess it just took time.

I hope one day I can find the guts to truly not care anymore. I vacillate between feeling hateful, and feeling something a little less than hateful, and deep, deep in the back of everything, feeling a tiny sliver of hope. Maybe it'll never get much better than that. And I suppose that's ok, because I think I'm ok now. I think. 

People can be fragile, and they can break. If you want to be a good person, don't use people who love you. Don't make them think that their sole purpose is to be there for you to stomp on whenever you're in the mood for stomping. Because if you think you can make it through this life unscathed, you're probably mistaken. I imagine when the person who smugly decided I didn't matter enough gets a taste of what they have given (and they will... karma and all) they might finally get it.

Or maybe they won't. Sometimes people like that will never get it, and they'll go through their life cowardly and aloof and thoughtless and always searching for something better, newer and shinier. 

I have a funny feeling people like that won't ever find what they are looking for. And you know what? Maybe they don't even deserve it.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Arianna Huffington and a mini meltdown

I really better get some interesting content on here or I might lose all one reader that I have. (Hi mom!)

I have been so sporadic with posting. Let's be frank.  I know this.  You know this.  We all know this.

(Before I continue I have to say that I love saying, 'Lets be Frank.' It's such a funny sounding thing to me for no good reason. I just thought you should know that.) I guess I don't think it's too unusual to go through a kind of writing slump.  Sometimes you might feel like you just don't have anything interesting to talk about.  Sometimes you might just feel like nobody is interested anyway.  Sometimes, you need to re-evaluate your purpose.

That sounds very life-altering. 

Speaking of writing, such a super cool thing happened, that didn't actually end up happening.  OK, that sounds weird, let me explain.

So I submitted something to Huffington Post on a whim, and ARIANNA HUFFINGTON emailed me and said that she wanted to print it!!  Can you believe that??  Maybe I am being a little googly-eyed, but I thought it was so awesome.

But then I pretty much freaked out. I asked her if I could post anonymously, because what I wrote is kind of sensitive and I guess I'm not really prepared to attach my name to it at this point. But I know it was relevant, and should probably be heard.

She responded and said that Huffington Post doesn't post anonymously. So that stinks because I really couldn't go ahead and post it because I am mental, among other things.

But anyway, now you know that you can't post anonymously on Huffington Post, in case you were wondering.

But guys! She liked what I wrote!

So at least that was good, and kind of validating.  So maybe I will submit some other non-panic-inducing writing at some point, because HuffPo! I did get invited to their contributor platform, so I'm a little bit proud of that too.

So even though this is a lowly little blog, and pretty much nobody even notices that it exists, I might be able to write sort of OK, and maybe I don't suck. Maybe. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Hey! I have some good news about cheese!

Hey, good news guys! Apparently cheese is good for people with high blood pressure! And guess what? I love cheese! And I have high blood pressure!  WooHOO!

Did you know that, about the cheese thing? If not, consider this a PSA.

My mom gave me a news clipping all about it.  She does that sometimes, isn't that kind of a cute mom-thing to do?  

My blood pressure has been pretty off the wall lately. I've taken a medicine for it for years, but lately it's been really kind of dangerously high. So clearly the regular medicine isn't doing its job anymore. I started monitoring at home because I was having these headaches, and wouldn't you know, it is definitely super high.

So that sucks. Because that meant that I had to make a doctors appointment.  I hate making a doctor's appointment. It's one of my worst things. Partly because of the weighing you on the cattle scale in front of every last person in the office anxiety thing, but also because lately I don't even know who my doctor is. I kind of hot-headedly switched doctors after a super annoying incident at my regular doctor's. So it's like, I'm a new girl at the doctors and I know no one. Apparently, this new office has a group of docs and you kind of get who you get. I actually really do like the group, but I don't really enjoy that I never get to know someone and I am constantly repeating myself to various doctor people. (And also, the cattle scale thing)

So I had to get a new medicine to help control the blood pressure so I wouldn't have a stroke and just like, fucking die in my sleep. That wouldn't be so great for Alex, to wake up next to a cold, dead wife.

Well, maybe it would be great financially, because I have good life insurance. Then he could finally pay off his school loans and maybe he'd be rich and be able to do all sorts of rich people things. Like drink that fancy champagne that rich people drink and wear a leisure suit.

But I do think Alex would miss me. He likes me. Good thing, because we are kind of married. I think its about 60/40 if he would take me over the life insurance. Could be worse.

But back to the dumb medicine. The doctor put me on this new medicine and she told me about a few improbable side affects, like a dry cough. "But don't worry, only about 10% of the population is affected by that," She said.

So guess who is part of the lucky 10%?


So I effing suffered with an annoying misc dry cough, along with the dry mouth that my regular BP medicine already gives me. Seriously guys, super annoying.  I suppose it could be worse, but the doctor switched me to something different. It's seems to be working, so that's kind of good.

So now that you know all about my blood pressure, I'll close with this thought: getting old kind of isn't the most fun.  When does it get fun? When is the part when you can be a cranky a-hole whenever you want because you already put your time in?

When is the part where you can stand on your porch yelling, "GET OFF MY LAWN!" while shaking your cane at all of the bratty young'uns?  

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Speaking of sarcasm...

Did you know that there is an actual little punctuation mark that represents sarcasm??  You guys!  I think this will make my entire life easier!  It will really help misc people that I text see that I'm just being sarcastic, not an asshole! Yes!

I actually was trying to invent a sarcasm font, but so far so bad on that one.  Truthfully, I mostly was inventing it in my head and I didn't exactly get much further than that, but ANYway.

The punctuation mark!  Sarcasm! Here it is:

"The SarcMark (short for "sarcasm mark") was invented, copyrighted and trademarked by Paul Sak, and while it hasn't seen widespread use, Sak markets it as "The official, easy-to-use punctuation mark to emphasize a sarcastic phrase, sentence or message." Because half the fun of sarcasm is pointing it out [SarcMark]."

So apparently, you'd use it at the end of a sarcastic sentence in place of a period or something? I can't seem to find it on my keyboard.  Maybe I'm missing something. I think it's a real thing.. I mean, I read it on the internet (insert SarcMark here)

Do you think it's real?  And if so, why isn't that cutie little character anywhere to be found?