wtf walt disney

Have you ever taken a moment and just thought what exactly the five classic Disney movie/stories are really about?  I mean, honestly, it just occurred to me that they are all pretty dark and demented and rather scary.

I guess I always knew Bambi was scary.  Like hello?  Who thought that a story about a sweet little baby deer witnessing his mom get a cap in her ass was a great idea?  Was that Walt's great idea?  Well if it was, who knew Walt had such a skewed idea of what was an appropriate bedtime tale for your average kid.

And Dumbo.  Poor Dumbo.  So someone also thought it was a good idea to write a story about an elephant that everyone else made fun of.  Those jerk bully animals teased poor Dumbo about his big ears.  It must have been during a time period before the "pinning your ears back" plastic surgery was all the rage.  And his name... Dumbo.  As in DUMB-bo.  How's that for your self-esteem, kid?  And then the mean guys go ahead and lock his mom in a cage and call her a crazy.  Were these stories supposed to put kids to sleep?  Because, um.  I'm thinking no.

Then we have Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  First of all, of course Snow White is a slave-maid to her mean old stepmother/Queen.  Then we find out that the stepmother/Queen is actually a jealous murderous betch who tells this lumberjack guy to go and cut SW's heart out and put it in a box.  Very Jack the Ripper-ish.  Somehow I'm finding it hard to believe that at this point my five year old would be dozing off peacefully while sucking her thumb. 

Anyway, then we find out that Snow White runs away and breaks into a house owned by a bunch of weird little guys who seem to do a lot of simultaneous and irritating whistling.  So apparently she's a juvenile delinquent slave-maid.  Finally, the story ends with the stepmother poisoning poor Snow White, then the stepmother subsequently falls to her death and gets herself mashed by a huge rock.  Yeahyeah, Snow White lives happily ever after, probably suffering PTSD and heavily medicated, but still, happily ever after.  Once again, that's some scary shit, Walt.  Did you not have kids of your own?

All I am going to say about Fantasia is that not only was Walt dark and scary, I am pretty sure he was a stoner too.  If you ever actually get the gumption to watch Fantasia, you're definitely going to want to get high.  The attraction at Disney World?  Super cool, a must-see.  The movie?  Weird as shit.  And rather long and tedious.

And last but not least, Pinocchio.  You know, the kid/puppet who is a damn liar.  And have you ever heard of Pleasure Island?  (wink wink)  It seems like little Pinocchio may have also been a perv.  So pretty much Pinocchio is a pervy wooden puppet, who turns into a naughty boy with a big nose who turns into a half-ass/donkey who turns back into a puppet and then gets eaten by a whale.  Seriously Walt?  Who makes this stuff up? 

I have a lot more to say about the rest of those Disney movies, but frankly, I am feeling slightly traumatized by accidentally reviewing these particular five classics.  I'm tapping out of this post.  I will continue with my review of the next five Disney movies at a later date.

You're welcome. 

80's anyone?

No it is not really 80's week.  But I was thinking, maybe it can be 80's week.  Because I was an 80's kind of girl.  And the 80's were pretty good to me.  And who doesn't love the 80's? 



After reading this old post about my love of Lloyd Dobler and 80's movies and stuff, I decided to write a Top 10. Usually Top 10's are kind of irritating, but this isn't because it's cool. That's right.  I said it.  And really, I do love a good list.


So on to My Top Ten List of 80's Teen Movie Crushes. I wish there was a better name for this list, but there just isn't, so let's just stop talking about it and get on with the guys.

My Top Ten List of 80's Teen Movie Crushes:

1. Obviously, Number 1 is Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack). Say Anything. Unless one means 10, but I want 1 to mean 1. I take #1 literally. So yeah. Lloyd Dobler. He gave her his heart, and all she gave him was a pen.



2. Duckie (Jon Cryer). Sixteen Candles. Try a Little Tenderness? Hello? Once again, I will say obviously. Based on this post. If you didn't read it, it's your own fault.  Duckie is definitely a close second to Lloyd Dobler.


3. Christian Slater. J.D. from Heathers. There's just something about his jawline, and voice. I am pretty 100% sure that I would have married Christian Slater back in the 80's if he asked me. I'll just leave it at that.


4. Jason Patric - Michael from The Lost Boys. First vampire movie that I ever loved. He was so freaking cute. You have to admit, he definitely rocked a mullet.



5. Corey Haim. Oh... of the Coreys, he was by far the cutest with that crooked little smile. Haven't you ever seen Lucas?? I really was unusually sad when he died.




6. Ponyboy Curtis (C. Thomas Howell). The Outsiders. I read this book before I saw the movie. When I first saw Ponyboy, he was exactly the way I pictured him. Man I loved that greaser. :)


7. River Phoenix. Jimmy Reardon. Sheesh. He was so cute. Everything about him was magnetic. And I mean that in the least cheesy way possible.




8. Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles. I just had to look his real name up in IMDb (Michael Schoeffling) , and I realized he was also my #9, which would have been Joe from Mermaids. I can't believe I never put that together. It wasn't my fault that I grew up in a google-less era.


9. So now I had to shift my #10 into my #9 slot, which means I have to add one more crush. I don't think that will be difficult. So I am going with Rusty James (Matt Dillon) from Rumble Fish as my number 9. Another book I read before seeing the movie. Matt Dillon has definitely aged well. Like a fine wine. However, I'm not much of a wine drinker, so I guess I wouldn't know.


10. Marty McFly. What a great character. What a great movie.


Honorable Mention: Cameron Frye (Alan Ruck). Oh whatever. No comments from the peanut gallery. Yes, I liked him better than Ferris. If you know me at all you would already have figured that out by now.