10 Things to NOT ask your husband

Ten Things you should never ask your husband/boyfriend, 

besides the obvious  (1) Do I look fat in this?  Because, really -- you know the poor guy can't win here.  If he says yes, you'll go cry in the closet and be mad at him for saying that you look like a fatso.  But if he says no but he really means yes, you'll eventually catch a glimpse of your fat ass in the "realistic" mirror wherever you are, go cry in the coat check room and be mad at him for not telling you that you that you look like a fatso.

(2) What time will you be home? 9 times out of 10 (if it's my husband), he won't be home when he says he will be, and dinner will be all cold and you'll be all pissed. And if he says he is on the way, figure an extra 10-15 minutes or so he can frantically run to the car (that, lets be real, he already isn't in) and get the hell out of his office.

(3) Do you think she's prettier than I am?  Because really, don't ask unless you're prepared for the truth. And also, why? Why compare yourself to someone else?  And also, who cares, anyway?

(4) What would you change about me?  Think about it, do you really want to know all of the things that he wishes were different about you?  Way to make yourself insecure and uncomfortable. Besides, any guy who answers this with a long list is just a mean jerk anyway.

(5) How many women have you slept with?  Again, why? Just, so not worth going there.  And to be honest with you, it's really nunya business. The answer has nothing to do with you, yet you'd be unfairly seething over the fact that he had an actual past before he even knew you existed. Everyone has a past, including you, right?

(6) If I died, how long would you wait before you replaced me?  We all know that he's not going to say, "I would never replace you honey!" and actually mean it. Except my husband. He'd mean it. Even though he hates being lonely I am fairly confident he wouldn't want to replace me for a long time. He really likes me.

(7) Is that it?  Because that's just mean. Unless of course your goal was to make him feel like crap. But really, don't do this.

(8) Will you babysit the kids?  Huh. I wasn't aware of the fact that you "babysit" your own children. And if you're asking like, a boyfriend/guy who isn't a parent to your kids, I'd be really freaking careful. It's always the "boyfriend" who does something really horrible.

(9)  Are you sure you know where you're going?  Let's be real, even if he has no freaking clue where in the hell he is, we all know he would never admit it.  And thankfully most of us have some type of navigation/GPS app to help us out if we are ever in such a pickle. Heh. In a pickle is a funny thing.

(10)  Does this match?  Because, come on.  He is a guy.

11 totally awkward handshakes

Have you ever seen those youtube clips of funny or awkward handshakes?  The expressions on the people's faces are like this hilarious combination of utter embarrassment and like, intense shame.  One might wonder why I get such pleasure out of watching them. Probably because I feel awkward and uncomfortable in so many life situations, it's a little validating to see other people in the same boat.  Or maybe just because I'm a meanie.

Anyway, I've outlined 11 examples of cringe-worthy handshakes that I may or may not have encountered at some point in my life. 

1. The missed opportunity - ah, the one we all know so well.  Sometimes referred to as the "I was just fixing my hair," or the "I was just itching my face," handshake.  This is the shake where you go in for it, and the other person either doesn't notice your shake attempt or blows you off, so you instead turn your awkward outstretched hand into a hair pat or a face scratch.  Because, how embarrassing?

2. The "I'll see you later, wink-wink" handshake - this is one of those shakes that just feels creepy from the start.  Something weird was definitely going on there, you just can't put your finger on it, but you feel like you may have just been violated and your skin is crawling.

3. The "wanna arm wrestle?" aggressive handshake - a shake with pain potential, where you walk away feeling the bruises already forming and like a few phalanges could actually be fractured.  This person is out there to prove something, not quite sure what, but probably that he is strong like bull and has really big muscles. 

4. The "sweaty palmer" handshake - you know, that one where you shake someone's hand and feel moisture?  Immediately you imagine urine and germs and that the person was just in the bathroom.  Oh wait, that might be just me.  Imagining someone in the bathroom, as opposed to thinking that you just shook hands with a person who has naturally sweaty palms.  Either way, ugh.

5. The "let's hug it out, bitch" handshake - that person who shakes your hand then sort of yanks you into them in an awkward embrace.  Like they really wanted a hug instead of a shake in the first place.  Usually accompanied by miscellaneous back patting and the word "bro" being thrown around aggresively.

6. The "limpy limperson" handshake - this person needs a huge lesson on proper handshaking etiquette, because their hand is so limp and flaccid it just feels uncomfortable, and dirty.  Like maybe you just touched something inappropriate, or dead and smelly.  Like maybe you need to go wash your hands.

7. The fist bump fakeout - you go for a shake, they go for the fist bump, then it just gets uncomfortable because your palm just got fisted...

8. The "should we high five?" handshake -  this is very similar to the fist bump fakeout, but the confusion lies in whether or not you will be high-fiving each other or shaking hands.  One goes for the high-five, which slides into a low-five, then an awkward miscellaneous shake accompanied by uncomfortable laughter. 

9. The two-hander, super genuine shake - a shake so genuine in fact, the person needs to shake with two hands to show you how very genuine they are.  These are also referred to as the "sneaky politician" handshakes.

10. The lengthy lingerer - the one where you have to literally pull your hand away.  These are the worst because they are usually accompanied by a long meaningful eye contact.  I hate long meaningful eye contact.

11. The "secret handshake" handshake - this is the handshake that intends to just be normal, but then like, one person is not in on the secret.  You shake, you think everything is all fine and dandy, and the other person ends with like, a double gun finger or jazz hands.  Then you're left wondering, what the hell just happened?


Have you experienced any of these?

11 types of people you find waiting on line

So I went to the movies with a bunch of people the other night, and it was one of those kind of nights where it seemed like everyone in the tri-state area had the same idea.  There was like, zero parking and a line winding all the way outside of the theater.  Alex had to drop us at the door so we could get on line for tickets.  He's a good guy like that. Anyway, I'm an observer, I tend to watch people and check things out a lot.  Standing there in line I noticed a few different types of people that you always seem to find while waiting on line, and I thought I would share those observations with you.  Because I am so generous like that.

I think it was Larry David that defined the "chat and cut" style in line waiting.  You know, the kind of person who slyly walks up to someone towards the front of the line and starts a random conversation, moving when the person moves so they can continue the random conversation. Of course they are still chatting when they reach the ticket booth and since they are already there, they might as well get a ticket themselves!  Lady, you're not fooling anyone with that move.  

The "post pay fumble."  The person who just can get their shit back in their purse or wallet in a timely manner. What's so tough about shoving your change or credit card in your pocket and rearranging it later? Seriously.  There's a line! Wrap it up!

The traditional cutter.  The person that boldly steps in front of you with no apologies, daring you to stand up for yourself.  You know, the type of person that was a bully in high school. Clearly they target the meek. Heads up:  I'm not meek in those situations.  Wait your damn turn.

The "I wasn't paying attention so now there's a huge space between us" person.  This person is rather oblivious and gets caught up in something, whether it be playing candy crush on their phone, or yapping with their date about that night they fell off the bar stool at that one bar and hahaha, remember?  Suddenly there's a huge space and you're like, just gooo man, close the gap! Close the gap!

The "up my ass/stop touching me" person.  This person knows no physical boundaries.  They could be distracted and keep bumping you, or they could just be a close stander by nature.  So that's going to merit several passive aggressive glares. 

The "panic at the disco."  That person who finally reaches the ticket booth and suddenly panics and blanks on what they are supposed to do.  Suddenly they don't know what movie to go see, what size popcorn to order, how many tickets they need, etc  Dude, be prepared.

The boss lady.  The person that is also known as the keeper of lines, you know the one that monitors the movement of the line, periodically piping up with "it's your turn!" and, "go!"  Just to be sure everything goes smoothly and moves along in a timely manner. Because they're all bossy like that.

The friend maker.  The super friendly person that you suddenly feel like you've known forever.  You end up Snapchatting and Facebook friending each other before you even make it to your designated seat at the theater.  Where have they been all of your life and why aren't they sitting with you anyway?

The "what's your opinion? guy."  This is the guy who gets to the front of the line but needs to know what movie the ticket taker would see if they were going to the movies or what the concession stand person thinks the best flavor is to put on popcorn, or how the cashier likes their burger cooked.  Typically, this guy never takes the advice anyway, so why bother asking?

The walking germ.  Ugh.  My second worst kind of person in a line.  This is the guy that stands behind you hacking up a lung, sneezing more than seven times in a row and blowing their nose all over the damn place. Phlegm and spit and germs. Gross.  Please oh please, just do us all a favor and get a movie on Netflix!

The small talker. The person who cannot handle a little silence and feels the need to fill that silence by chatting you up.  Small talk sucks for introverts like myself.  Dude, do you not know the universal signal of please don't talk to me?  I have earphones on!

Can you think of any that I have missed?

my awesome partner

This week's list is 10 ways that my partner is awesome.  So, that's not too hard at all.  

So here we go:

1.  He leaves me notes with stick figure drawings on them, pretty much every day.

2.  He always cleans up the vomit - all of it - kids, mine, dog... he's the best vomit cleaner-upper I know.

3.  He does any chore - not just the "guy" chores.  He'll do laundry or dishes or whatever needs doing.  He panics at the grocery store, but he'll still go if I ask him to.

4.  He carries my bags.  All of them.  Always.

5.  He defers to my TV and movie choices, even if they're girly.

6.  He never yells (at me or in general) or calls me names, and he won't fight with me.

7.  He gets up with the kids in the morning to make breakfast and lunches so I can sleep in a little.

8.  He works really hard every day.  He's affectionate and loving, and he doesn't snore.

9.  He accepts me as I am - wrinkles, weight, crappy pink haircut, random cranky mood, whatever... he never ever says anything that makes me feel bad about myself.

10.  He never tries to control me.  He knows when I need space, and he gives it to me.

OK, I am not done.  There are way more.  I have to add a bonus five.  Sorry if you are all sick of reading how awesome Alex is.

11.  He makes me laugh, pretty much every day.  He's a funny guy.

12.  If he asks me, "What's for dinner?"  and I say, "Take out?"  He always answers, "That's exactly what I was thinking!"

13.  He's not a bar-hopper or big drinker, and he's not the type to ogle other women in my presence.  He's really respectful.

14.  He never gives me a hard time about spending money, he's not all tight with a buck.

15.  He's really smart.  He can fix pretty much anything.  And if he can't, it bugs him, so he'll figure it out and he'll do it right.

I think one of the best things about Alex though, is that he tries to understand me, and that's really important to me.