Thursday, March 17, 2016

10 Things to NOT ask your husband

Ten Things you should never ask your husband/boyfriend

besides the obvious  (1) Do I look fat in this?  Because, really -- you know the poor guy can't win here.  If he says yes, you'll go cry in the closet and be mad at him for saying that you look like a fatso.  But if he says no but he really means yes, you'll eventually catch a glimpse of your fat ass in the "realistic" mirror wherever you are, go cry in the coat check room and be mad at him for not telling you that you that you look like a fatso.

(2) What time will you be home? 9 times out of 10 (if it's my husband), he won't be home when he says he will be, and dinner will be all cold and you'll be all pissed. And if he says he is on the way, figure an extra 10-15 minutes or so he can frantically run to the car (that, lets be real, he already isn't in) and get the hell out of his office.

(3) Do you think she's prettier than I am?  Because really, don't ask unless you're prepared for the truth. And also, why? Why compare yourself to someone else?  And also, who cares, anyway?

(4) What would you change about me?  Think about it, do you really want to know all of the things that he wishes were different about you?  Way to make yourself insecure and uncomfortable. Besides, any guy who answers this with a long list is just a mean jerk anyway.

(5) How many women have you slept with?  Again, why? Just, so not worth going there.  And to be honest with you, it's really nunya business. The answer has nothing to do with you, yet you'd be unfairly seething over the fact that he had an actual past before he even knew you existed. Everyone has a past, including you, right?

(6) If I died, how long would you wait before you replaced me?  We all know that he's not going to say, "I would never replace you honey!" and actually mean it. Except my husband. He'd mean it. Even though he hates being lonely I am fairly confident he wouldn't want to replace me for a long time. He really likes me.

(7) Is that it?  Because that's just mean. Unless of course your goal was to make him feel like crap. But really, don't do this.

(8) Will you babysit the kids?  Huh. I wasn't aware of the fact that you "babysit" your own children. And if you're asking like, a boyfriend/guy who isn't a parent to your kids, I'd be really freaking careful. It's always the "boyfriend" who does something really horrible.

(9)  Are you sure you know where you're going?  Let's be real, even if he has no freaking clue where in the hell he is, we all know he would never admit it.  And thankfully most of us have some type of navigation/GPS app to help us out if we are ever in such a pickle. Heh. In a pickle is a funny thing.

(10)  Does this match?  Because, come on.  He is a guy.


  1. So true! I have to say, my hubby gives the perfect answers to most of those questions. Except #2 - I used to break that rule all the time because he worked late A LOT. And, yup, I'd always get pissed. He's gotten much better this past year though, so he's always home on time thus eliminating that problem. #9 - That's still a sore spot with us! I can't win with this one. If I keep my mouth shut when I know he's going the wrong way, he'll ask why I didn't say something sooner. If I say something, He thinks I don't have faith in his directional ability. It really is a no win situation.

    1. Ugh, #2 drives me crazy. I mentally add at LEAST 30 minutes to the time I am given, but my husband has also been getting better with this lately.