Friday, March 18, 2016

Overshooting the gap, Dell Griffith & remote control hysteria

I consider it a personal accomplishment when I time the fast forwarding of a commercial perfectly. Does that make me weird?

Wait. Don't answer that.

But seriously though, doesn't it just make everything seem like it's right in the world, when you are holding down that fast forward button, and you ever so slightly release... til BOOM. You hit the nail on the head and you've completely skipped the commercials, timing it with utter perfection.  Because who watches commercials anymore anyway?  What are we, animals??

Even though I am almost always the picker of the TV lineup for the night, my husband is the remote control holder. I allow that He's the remote control holder mostly because I can't see the buttons with my naked eye, and consistently fuck up the touching of the buttons.  If I don't have my reading glasses on, they all look the same and DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??

Those caps weren't an accident.  I was slightly hysterical there. Sorry.

So anyway, if for some odd reason I have the remote control, it's bound to happen.  I go overboard.  Last night we were watching a DVR'd episode of Survivor, and Alex was watching/working, so I happened to have control of the control.  So a commercial comes on, like they often do in such an annoying fashion, and I started fast forwarding. But I accidentally was backwards fast forwarding.

So of course Alex happened to glance up just as I was messing up, and he's like Hon, you're going the wrong way!

So I glanced over at him and made the gesture that Dell Griffith (John Candy) makes at Neil Page (Steve Martin) in that scene of Planes, Trains and Automobiles - you know the one where they are going the wrong way in the car on the highway and the other car sees them going the wrong way, so the couple in the other car furiously tries to get their attention and screams out the window, "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!" and then Dell Griffith acts like they're pretty much dumb and drunk, and pretends to be drinking? And then toots his horn?

Well if you don't know that scene, or God help us all, that movie, you should really watch it because, Dell Griffith! (American Light and Fixture -- Director of sales, Shower Curtain Ring DivisionAnd also, it's really funny! One of my top ten all time faves, even. And because I'm super nice, I will include a YouTube clip at the end of this post for your viewing pleasure. If you can make it through the stupid 30 second advertisement, you should watch it. Also, isn't it ironic that in order to see the clip you have to watch an advertisement when this whole post is basically about fast forwarding through those stupid things?

ANYway, I made that gesture because that's what we do when someone says "you're going the wrong way."

Then I fumbled around on the remote control and miraculously hit the right button, sending us careening will-nilly into the commercials. (Incidentally, isn't willy-nilly a funny word? And who came up with that anyway? And why? Why did they come up with it?)

So then Alex is suddenly all paying attention and says, Slow down! You're going too fast!  You're going to overshoot the gap!

And I'm all, I'm not, I'm not! I have this! Because I can do it! I'm not a moron! I know what button to press!

But really, I couldn't find the right button, because those dumbass things are kind of small and they all sort of just melt together, especially when you're under a lot of pressure.  So while I was frantically pressing buttons, I made it go even faster, accidentally.

So then Alex is all, You're going to overshoot! Oh yup, there it is. Yes, you did. You overshot the gap. Just let me do it!

Because at that point, now we can see what's happening in the next scene of the show and it'll be all anticlimactic and that's my worst thing.  So I toss the remote at him sheepishly.

And he looks at me like he's a little embarrassed for me, smoothly bringing us to the just right spot with one press of a button.

So I scowl into my ice cream.



  1. Yes! They totally should! That's so me and my husband to a tee! Our new remote has a light on it, which helps, but I'm constantly holding the thing an inch from my face, trying to figure out which is the right button. And I always fast forward too fast. So the hubs controls the remote usually. I can't stand commercials, so the nano-second a commercial starts, I yell "Fast forward!" to the hubs.

    And Dell Griffith? So funny! My husband quotes lines from that movie all the time. One of his favorites. You'd be surprised how many times "Chalmer's Big and Tall men's shop. It's a seven outlet chain in the pacific northwest. Great stuff. Unfortunatly, it does us no good here." can actually be worked into a conversation.