Overshooting the gap, Dell Griffith & remote control hysteria

I consider it a personal accomplishment when I time the fast forwarding of a commercial perfectly. Does that make me weird?

Wait. Don't answer that.

But seriously though, doesn't it just make everything seem like it's right in the world, when you are holding down that fast forward button, and you ever so slightly release... til BOOM. You hit the nail on the head and you've completely skipped the commercials, timing it with utter perfection.  Because who watches commercials anymore anyway?  What are we, animals??

Even though I am almost always the picker of the TV lineup for the night, my husband is the remote control holder. I allow that He's the remote control holder mostly because I can't see the buttons with my naked eye, and consistently fuck up the touching of the buttons.  If I don't have my reading glasses on, they all look the same and DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??

Those caps weren't an accident.  I was slightly hysterical there. Sorry.

So anyway, if for some odd reason I have the remote control, it's bound to happen.  I go overboard.  Last night we were watching a DVR'd episode of Survivor, and Alex was watching/working, so I happened to have control of the control.  So a commercial comes on, like they often do in such an annoying fashion, and I started fast forwarding. But I accidentally was backwards fast forwarding.

So of course Alex happened to glance up just as I was messing up, and he's like Hon, you're going the wrong way!

So I glanced over at him and made the gesture that Dell Griffith (John Candy) makes at Neil Page (Steve Martin) in that scene of Planes, Trains and Automobiles - you know the one where they are going the wrong way in the car on the highway and the other car sees them going the wrong way, so the couple in the other car furiously tries to get their attention and screams out the window, "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!" and then Dell Griffith acts like they're pretty much dumb and drunk, and pretends to be drinking? And then toots his horn?

Well if you don't know that scene, or God help us all, that movie, you should really watch it because, Dell Griffith! (American Light and Fixture -- Director of sales, Shower Curtain Ring Division) And also, it's really funny! One of my top ten all time faves, even. And because I'm super nice, I will include a YouTube clip at the end of this post for your viewing pleasure. If you can make it through the stupid 30 second advertisement, you should watch it. Also, isn't it ironic that in order to see the clip you have to watch an advertisement when this whole post is basically about fast forwarding through those stupid things?

ANYway, I made that gesture because that's what we do when someone says "you're going the wrong way."

Then I fumbled around on the remote control and miraculously hit the right button, sending us careening will-nilly into the commercials. (Incidentally, isn't willy-nilly a funny word? And who came up with that anyway? And why? Why did they come up with it?)

So then Alex is suddenly all paying attention and says, Slow down! You're going too fast!  You're going to overshoot the gap!

And I'm all, I'm not, I'm not! I have this! Because I can do it! I'm not a moron! I know what button to press!

But really, I couldn't find the right button, because those dumbass things are kind of small and they all sort of just melt together, especially when you're under a lot of pressure.  So while I was frantically pressing buttons, I made it go even faster, accidentally.

So then Alex is all, You're going to overshoot! Oh yup, there it is. Yes, you did. You overshot the gap. Just let me do it!

Because at that point, now we can see what's happening in the next scene of the show and it'll be all anticlimactic and that's my worst thing.  So I toss the remote at him sheepishly.

And he looks at me like he's a little embarrassed for me, smoothly bringing us to the just right spot with one press of a button.

So I scowl into my ice cream.

And I repeat, DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??

Maybe I'll just be a Hobo then. Also Alzheimer's and trickery.

I was taking a shower the other day and a good idea for a post came to me. So I was going through everything in my head, and then I was just like, you know what? This whole several minutes of mental planning that I just did was a total loss! THOSE ARE FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE I'LL NEVER GET BACK. Because guess what guys? I know myself. I knew that I would forget the great idea by the time I got to my computer. I could have spent those five minutes having a great daydream!  FYI, I'm a great daydreamer.

So yeah, I forgot it.

I definitely have a memory problem. Short term memory, not long.  I can remember exact moments from way, way back. But I can't keep a thought from the ten minutes it takes me to get from the shower to my freaking comfy office couch.  It's getting ridiculous.  

So about a month or so ago I started playing memory games on an app my sister told me about. Maybe it's been helping a little bit. I will say that I'm slightly obsessed with a few of the games. But ugh, I just know I'm going to get Alzheimer's. I have a huge fear.  I don't think it's irrational. 

On another note I was mad at my sister because she TRICKED me into coming over for a hangout with several people there. I HATE HANGOUTS WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE THERE. Which she is well aware of.  Which is exactly why she tricked me. When I discovered the trickery, I was all moody at my husband because, well, he was there. And also, my sister is a bully so if I didn't show up she said she was never talking to me again.

We were driving along and Alex was all like, Oh come on, it'll be fun.  
And I was like, Oh no it wont!  Who knows what people will be there!  
And he was like, You know you always have fun when you get there.
And then I said, Maybe! But I think I have a sniffle. I might feel a stomach ache coming on.
And he said, You don't have a sniffle, we're going.
And I said, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
And he laughed!
And so I said, FINE I AM LEAVING YOU! I GUESS I'll JUST BE A HOBO THEN!
And he laughed again!
And he said, Hobos don't have central air. Hobos don't have DVRs, or WiFi.
And then I said, Huh. Well I can live without DVR :::grimace:: and WiFi.  But god damn I'm not sure about the central air...
And he said, We don't have to stay long.
Because maybe he does know me a little.
So I said all grumbley, Fine.

Then we went home and I took a little nap to prepare myself for the tricky hangout. And then guess what?  We went and I had fun. Damn it.

Organizing, ripped underwear and self fulfilling prophecies

I'm currently sitting in/on my bed surrounded by papers, bills, coupons and magazines.  I'm not sick or anything, I'm just hiding out from the cleaning lady and trying to get crap done in the meantime. Am I the only one who hides from the cleaning lady?

Bad news: I can't be in/on my office comfy couch!  It's very distressing.  Also, I'm hungry! On the plus side, it will smell all nice and clean down there once she's finished.

During the hiding out, I am forced to manage all of my built up paper/work stuff, which isn't actually the worst thing I guess. How does it all build up so quickly?  I've been mentally planning a big organization of all of things disorganized around here. I've been mentally planning that particular thing for approximately three years or so, but who's counting?  I have a pretty good "organizing" Pinboard going right about now. I really think I'm going to get to it this time.

In proving my theory that I am ready to actually do the organizing, I give you exhibit A. Well, I'm not posting a picture, but I'll tell you exhibit A.  I reorganized my (side of the) closet! It looks and feels pretty great, I have to say. It's been driving me crazy forever because I used to be a obnoxiously highly organized kinda gal. Then something happened and I just lost all of my steam. And everything went to Hell in a hand basket.

Incidentally, I think  "Hell in a hand basket," is such a funny term. Because first of all, what exactly is a hand basket? A basket that you carry in your hand, I imagine, all the way to Hell. But aren't ALL of them hand baskets then?  And who came up with it anyway? And are we supposed to capitalize Hell? We all know I have trouble with capitalization. I never actually think about using that term til the appropriate moment is gone. That's the story of my life. 

Anyway, The Great Master Closet Makeover, as I like to refer to it, happened a few days ago, and I'm really happy with it, it makes me say ahhh whenever I walk in there. Basically, I took out every last thing for the viewing on the bed. Which was where I decided which pile it should go in: the Keep, Donate or Toss pile, if you will.

I seriously ended up with so many donate bags... literally garbage bags full of stuff to donate. That's embarrassing. No wonder it was so messy in there! Now it's a lot less cluttered, everything is in it's place, and I feel pretty accomplished.  Next is Alex's side, and that'll be a nightmare. He's worse than me, in the hoarding department. I can't even throw away a ripped pair of his underwear without him literally saving it from the garbage. They might be his lucky underwear! Jeez. He's so superstitious. He really thinks his underwear is lucky. He thinks if he wears stupid undies, I will get mad at him at some point that day. It's the same with his washcloths (weird, I know).

Whenever I take one of his washcloths and WASH IT, he stamps around like a baby saying, "I know you're going to be mad at me now! That was my lucky washcloth!" 
And I'm all, "But hon, it's gross and germy and you're washing yourself with gross germs!" 
And he's all, "But I wasn't ready for you to wash it!" 
And I'm all, "OK, self fulfilling prophecy because you're being a child and now I'm starting to feel a little mad at you." 
And he's all, "A-HA! I KNEW IT!"

Does anyone else have a fool who is really superstitious about certain items of clothing, or washcloths??

So I guess I should go show my face for a minute or something. I really would like some food, and I suppose I have to pay the cleaning lady at some point. You can come back whenever, I'll be here. 

I TRIED IT, a product review, healthy stuff and nature verses nurture

OK, so for a while now, I've been slowly replacing various things with an organic or natural substitute. Not because I'm a crunchy, judgey crazy person, just because I make the mistake of reading too much, and it stresses me out when I think about how many chemicals I unknowingly have in, around and on my bod on a daily basis.

I blame my sister. She had cancer last year, and I was reading up on things as far as what she could eat, etc after her surgery, and suddenly I was bombarded with information about all of the cancer causing ingredients in stuff we use all day, every day. It got interesting and actually pretty scary, and I started doing more research and learning about it all. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I have choices and I have the ability to limit what I expose myself and my family to. 

I swear I'm not a weirdo. I don't preach about it, I keep it to my own little self. I slowly get rid of the crap, and then reintroduce better, healthier alternatives. Also, a lot of these organic and natural products are cruelty free, and that's important to me too. Because, animals. So I was thinking that maybe I would review some of the products that I have tried and liked or disliked, just in case anyone else is interested.  I'm so not an expert, but I definitely appreciate real opinions from real people when I am looking at trying something new. 

The other day, I was thinking that my husband is so chill, and he never gives me a hard time about buying stuff. So I said, "Hon, thanks for being cool about me trying different products, I know I smell different" 
and he was like, "Oh, I don't mind. I like that you try different stuff. It's Nature verses Nurture." 
and I said, "Nope. No it isn't even close to Nature verses Nurture." 
and he said, "Oh." And then he took out the garbage.

Just so  you don't think my husband is a moron, Nature verses Nurture is a little running joke we have. Every so often he throws it out there in conversation, maybe one day he'll actually get it right.

ANYway, here's my take on some deodorant.  Most deodorants/anti-perspirants are aluminum based, and some of them contain parabans and phthalates (ingredients often used as preservatives in cosmetics), among other things. These ingredients have been tossed around as a possible link to breast cancer and Alzheimer's. Regardless, so may of the deodorants that are on the shelves have all sorts of harsh chemicals in them, and the products that you put on your body are absorbed into your body. 

I don't want to put those ingredients on my bod, so I decided to try:

The Honest Co. 
honest deodorant, lavender vanilla $8.95
"Safely neutralizes and instantly refreshes for long-lasting odor protection. Our aluminum-free deodorant offers soothing, yet powerful essential oils and botanical extracts to help inhibit underarm bacteria and odor, and deliver a healthy dose of clean freshness — anywhere, anytime. Made without: aluminum, zinc salts, propylene glycol, butylene glycol, parabens, phthalates, fragrances, triclosan, talc, steareth-n, silica, silicones, dyes, or most common allergens."

The truth is, I liked it, but it is definitely different than your normal drugstore brands.  It comes in a (plastic) spray pump.  I chose the lavender vanilla scented spray because I really like lavender. It was nice and refreshing, not sticky, and it didn't leave any white residue. Though the scent wasn't overpowering, I definitely smelled like a relaxing spa all day (which isn't the worst thing to smell like if you ask me).  It seemed to work pretty well, but in order to not feel like I had a stinky armpit, I had to periodically reapply throughout the day. I do have an obsession with not smelling smelly, so I'm not sure if other people would feel the need to re-apply. That having to re-apply was my only real negative. It was kind of like perfume for your pit. It isn't an anti-perspirant, but I am not naturally very sweaty, so that didn't bother me. I will continue to use this I think, but I am going to try another brand that I read good things about. I'll review it as soon as I try it.

I ordered this product from the Honest Co. website. In comparison to other organic deodorant products price-wise, it is pretty much in the middle (not including shipping). I checked into a bunch of different brands and they ranged from about $6 - $19. 

So there it is. An actual product review. I don't know if I did it right, but you get what you get and you don't get upset. Pre-school rules. Learn them.

*I bought this product, and this is my opinion based on my experience with it.

a conversation that may or may not have happened

A possible conversation between me and my husband:

him:  I called you like five times!  Why didn't you answer?

me: I may or may not have been in the shower.

him:  Jessee, it's 1:45 in the afternoon.

me:  Don't judge me!  I was very busy with a lot of important things!

him:  Well what were you doing all day?

me:  Well. I may or may not have been simultaneously watching Vampire Diaries while playing words and pinning shit to that asshole pinterest.

him:  Pinterest again?

me:  It's such a time suck!  All I know is that I was happily drinking my coffee and reading the news. Then I clicked over to pinterest to just look at one little thing, and all of a sudden I looked at the clock and it was 1:45!  It was like I was sucked into a black hole of inspiration!

him: Hm.

me:  I did other stuff too!

him:  Did you make those appointments?

me:  I may or may not have.

him:  Did you book our trip?

me:  Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.

him:  Did you at least pick up that thing I asked you to get?

me:  What the actual fuck hon.  I can't do everything!

him:  Maybe I'll turn off the wifi.

me:  Maybe I'll karate chop your face.  

him:  Hm.  Maybe I'll rethink turning off the wifi.

me:  Then maybe I will book the trip and make the calls and pick up the thing.

him:  Fine.  

me:  Damn.  Who knew I was so good at communication and compromise?  Aren't you glad we had this little chat?

him:  ::sigh::

A frank discussion which resulted in absolutely nothing

The other night I was sitting on my end of the comfy couch trying to have a frank discussion with my husband about his mother effing snoring.

Incidentally, don't you think "frank" is a funny word to use in a sentence like that?  I do.  That's why I used it.

So anyway the conversation went something like this:

Me: "We're about to have a frank discussion about the mother fucking snoring situation."

Him, distractedly and not the least bit scared: "Can we do it after Alaskan Frontier?"

Me: "NO! It's getting close to the time when we go up to bed and every single night you've been snoring in my face!"

Him, turning towards me: "You're really eating that cheese aggressively."

Me: "Well! Aren't you sick of me stabbing your calf with my dagger-like sharp toenail? Getting poked in the eyeball? A knee in the back? A miscellaneous hair pull?"

Him: "Is that why I have so many unexplained bruises on the back of my leg? I was wondering about that."

Me: "I'd like to think I've been very kind about your illness so far, but its literally been since THANKSGIVING! It's time to take your balls off the mantle and stop milking this ::air quote:: "asthma" condition you are plagued with, ALEX. Some people need to sleep."

Him: "You called me Alex.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you are a little angry."

Me: "You knew that was one of my top five deal breakers when we got married!"

Him, calmly, as usual: "But I cant help it. It's out of my control." 

Me: "Just because you have ::air quotes again:: "shitty lungs" doesn't mean I should suffer every night for all of the god damn live long day!"

Him: Silently glancing between me and Alaskan Frontier. Clearly not taking me seriously.

Me: "Well I'm asking the painter to paint your brand new bedroom a more masculine color."

Him: "That's not very nice. It's kind of chilly in there with nobody to snuggle."

Me: "Well, pull your shit together ALEX, or you're OUT."

Him, turning back towards Alaskan Frontier: "Hey do you want a devil dog?"

Me: "Does a bear poop?"

Him, getting up: "You know it."

And then we ate a Devil Dog and went to bed. And he snored in my face til 3:00 am.

smugly husband and fugly floors

So when we built our house, I really, really didn't think about the details too hard. I am one of those people who hates shopping, and I avoid spending hours poring over the shade of knobs that I should put on my kitchen cabinets and other equally horrifying things. I do think though, that we got pretty lucky with all of our quick decisions, because my house is really pretty nice.

However, there were times when my contractor decided something without necessarily consenting me us, so it was more HIS style than mine ours. Side note, the very few times my husband and I ever really fought, besides that time when he refused to get a flu shot like a god damned lunatic, were when he refused to tell the contractor that we weren't into something that he did, without our consent. I'm all, we're PAYING him to do what we want! And he was all like, then YOU say it! And I was all like, but you're the guy!  And he was all like, GRR!

And THAT'S why we have linoleum on our mudroom and laundry room floors.

So I mentioned that besides lots of travel, interior painting, getting some new kitchen appliances, re-doing the front walk-way and hiring a landscaper, maybe we should just fucking replace the fugly linoleum. Some people HATE linoleum. And Alex is all like, lets just wait till next year to replace them. Next year we will be loaded. And I am all like, Shut up you ass. Let's just make it happen! Throw caution to the wind! We could be dead next year! And he's all like, well then I guess we wouldn't need new linoleum then, would we Jessee.  And then I am all like, don't ever call me Jessee again. And then he smugly chuckled.  And then I stamped off like a goddamn child and inwardly fumed.