Friday, February 12, 2016

A frank discussion which resulted in absolutely nothing

The other night I was sitting on my end of the comfy couch trying to have a frank discussion with my husband about his mother effing snoring.

Incidentally, don't you think "frank" is a funny word to use in a sentence like that?  I do.  That's why I used it.

So anyway the conversation went something like this:

Me: "We're about to have a frank discussion about the mother fucking snoring situation."

Him, distractedly and not the least bit scared: "Can we do it after Alaskan Frontier?"

Me: "NO! It's getting close to the time when we go up to bed and every single night you've been snoring in my face!"

Him, turning towards me: "You're really eating that cheese aggressively."

Me: "Well! Aren't you sick of me stabbing your calf with my dagger-like sharp toenail? Getting poked in the eyeball? A knee in the back? A miscellaneous hair pull?"

Him: "Is that why I have so many unexplained bruises on the back of my leg? I was wondering about that."

Me: "I'd like to think I've been very kind about your illness so far, but its literally been since THANKSGIVING! It's time to take your balls off the mantle and stop milking this ::air quote:: "asthma" condition you are plagued with, ALEX. Some people need to sleep."

Him: "You called me Alex.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you are a little angry."

Me: "You knew that was one of my top five deal breakers when we got married!"

Him, calmly, as usual: "But I cant help it. It's out of my control." 

Me: "Just because you have ::air quotes again:: "shitty lungs" doesn't mean I should suffer every night for all of the god damn live long day!"

Him: Silently glancing between me and Alaskan Frontier. Clearly not taking me seriously.

Me: "Well I'm asking the painter to paint your brand new bedroom a more masculine color."

Him: "That's not very nice. It's kind of chilly in there with nobody to snuggle."

Me: "Well, pull your shit together ALEX, or you're OUT."

Him, turning back towards Alaskan Frontier: "Hey do you want a devil dog?"

Me: "Does a bear poop?"

Him, getting up: "You know it."

And then we ate a Devil Dog and went to bed. And he snored in my face til 3:00 am.

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