Thursday, February 11, 2016

6 legit excuses for being a shitty tooth fairy

What constitutes a shitty Tooth Fairy, you ask? I think it's pretty self explanatory. Just so you know I'm not here to judge shitty fairies, I'm here to help shitty fairies.  Because I've been there several times once, and it's no fun. See how nice I am, using my parenting fails to help others? You can thank me later.

ANYway, us fairies aren't as perfect as we look. We forget things sometimes.  We're busy making sure we have enough fairy dust and that we didn't forget our god damned wands! But jeez, it does suck when you forget about leaving your kid a little prize under their pillow, mostly because they're just so excited about it. Have you been on the receiving end of the look of complete disappointment from your toothless kid?  I have.

In case you ever find yourself in such a crappy parenting predicament, feel free to refer back to this helpful post. Us fairies need to stick together, you know?

First and foremost, don't panic.  You have to be quick on your feet to salvage this situation. Use one of these previously tested and fail proof excuses:

1.  She saw you starting to wake up, and she didn't want you to see her. This is very plausible.  Everybody knows that you aren't supposed to actually see the magical fairies and bunnies and elves doing their business. Huh. That makes it sound like they were in the bathroom, doesn't it?

2.  She couldn't find the tooth. The old "turn it around on you" tactic often works.  You tell her that the tooth fairy must not have been able to find it because it may have been too deep under her pillow. Tell her that standard tooth fairy protocol when those things happen, is to just comes back the next night, because she really doesn't have a ton of time to look for it.  There are other kids with teeth under their pillow you know.

3. She hurt her wing.  Even fairies get sick days.  You could say that you saw it on the news. 

4. Blame the weather.  It was too hot, too cold or too windy for her to come out, weather conditions can be dangerous to fairies. There are rules for hazardous flying conditions.

5. Remind her that she wasn't behaving. This is a little mean, but you can kill two birds with one stone if your kid is prone to giving you a hard time when it's time for bed. Just like Santa's elves know when you've been naughty, the Tooth Fairy just knows.

6. The dog (or cat or get the idea) scared her.  This is also very plausible if you have a pet.  You could remind her that your dog often growls at people he isn't expecting, and she must have startled him.

A few times once when I forgot about the Tooth Fairy, I helped my daughter look around her bedroom for her missing prize, just in case it fell off the bed during the night. When I magically "found it" on the floor on the side of her bed, I totally saved the day. I went from being a Tooth Fairy Jerk to a god damned hero. Definitely try this, it totally works.

Also, if your child has an older sibling who is past the point of believing, you could always sneakily give them the prize, and have them come in to say that the Tooth Fairy must have left it in the wrong room by mistake. Boom. You just saved the day again.

With whatever excuse you use, you should also probably sit down and help your kid write a reminder note to the tooth fairy, because it really can be a huge disappointment for your kiddo and it might make them feel better.  You could have them put it under their pillow with the tooth.  And then you should promptly set an alarm on your phone to freaking remember to leave your kid a dollar, Tooth Fairy Jerk.

ps - Also, relax. Remember that you're not a bad parent.  None of us are perfect, cut yourself some slack, mama.


  1. Hahaha. Hey, with 5 kids, you can bet that has happened to me. Often. In fact I think my younger three children think that the Fairy intentionally places it in hard to see places because I am ALWAYS the one who finds it...usually on the floor, under the mattress, by their feet. Whoever invented the Toothfairy was a complete idiot. Seriously. WHO!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

  2. LOL, seriously!! Thanks for reading :)