Wednesday, February 24, 2016

an all inclusive list of 15 TYPES of selfies that people take

Ah, the selfie - or, the self portrait.  There seem to be no limits to when and where selfies are taken these days. Every social media site is exploding with millions of them.  In fact, as of this summer, "selfie" is an actual word in the dictionary.  Did you know that?   

Taking a picture of yourself is a way of trying to understand how people see you, who you are and what you look like.  Most people see selfies as a form of narcissism, yet everyone seems to do it.  I do it.  On those sites like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, selfies are totally the norm.  You see photo ops happening everywhere.  I'd like to think there's a time and place for selfies... but oh wait, no.  No, there isn't.  Apparently funerals, bathroom stalls, elevators, driving on the highway, next to a rattlesnake, falling off of a mountain - they are all considered appropriate.  I do not take selfies at funerals, while going to the bathroom or while driving.  I'm far too chicken to take a selfie next to a rattlesnake or other wild dangerous animal because, really? Just wanted to point that out.  And I'm pretty sure I have yet to take a selfie in an elevator but I did take a picture in an elevator recently, but that was only because the elevator wall had a cool thing on it.  I was not actually in that elevator picture. 

The thing is, those sites aren't about reality - they are a well thought-out fantasy, an emphasis on our lives that show off perfected versions of ourselves that we want people to remember, that we want to put out there in a space where others can browse through them with admiration and envy. That's why most of the photos are lovely and entertaining and not showing the sucky moments in between those perfect slices of life that are being put out there for all the world to see.  Because let's face it, nobody wants to see sucky moments.  
So I've put together a little list of the various types of selfies that people seem to take because lists! and also you know I'm all giving like that.  

The "candid" selfie -  The one where a friend takes a picture of you posing to look like you aren't posing.  But we all know that you are really posing.

The dressing room selfie -  Because you need that validation from all of your friends that your ass looks great in those booty shorts.

The Starbucks coffee selfie - So everyone knows you can afford the expensive coffee!

The half selfie - Because you had an unpleasant zit on that other cheek...  oh we know...

The post workout, I'm super fit, selfie -  Sweaty gym selfie so everyone know's you are fit AF.  

The I'm beautiful AND deep selfie - A perfect selfie with a meaningful quote from a quote generator, not an actual book that you actually read.

The dirty mirror selfie - I just have to show you how on fleek my eyebrows look today, but don't mind the filthy mirror that I can't get around to cleaning?

The dirty bedroom selfie - I'm hot, and also a slob...  A hot slob, if you will.

The toilet selfie - Because you looked really good that time you were on the toilet for a while? Come on, that's gross. Nobody cares.  I promise.  

The OMG I just saw a celebrity selfie - OK I would probably take a celebrity selfie if I had guts. Because if I stumbled across Mark Ruffalo and he smiled at me with that cutie little face, and stood near me and maybe even put his arm around me for the pic like nice celebrities do, I'd want/need to document the shit out of it.

The duck face selfie - The selfie in which your lips look like a duck's face.  Can't we all get over this one already??  It is super played out. 

The mocking duck face selfie - The one where you take a duck face selfie just to show everyone that you know you are making a duck face, but you don't actually mean it, you're only doing it to make fun of other duck face people. Riiiighhht...

The fake sleeping selfie - These just crack me up.  I imagine you closing your eyes and holding the camera at just the right angle so you can try to capture how you look really cute while you sleep and you also just so happen to be in your bunny PJ's snuggling your teddy bear like only a cute person would.  Or something.  

The crying selfie - Because you were so sad you wanted to take a picture of it to document your sadness for all of the world to see and comment on?

The I'm so dangerous selfie - The kind of selfie you take when you are on the edge of a cliff or like, next to a raging buffalo.  So everyone knows you aren't scared.  Of cliffs.  And 2000 pound raging, snorting animals with sharp mean horns and a good reason to want to pummel you.

Am I missing any??

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