Spitty close talkers, allergy attacks & that time I was basically Meredith Grey

I've perfected the tap out method, and I use it often enough. I had to tap my husband out of a conversation this weekend. I can be nice like that sometimes.  He has a terrible habit of allowing himself to be sucked into a stupid conversation with some boob for an hour. But I just can't do it.

Life is too short to be cornered by spitty close talkers.

That's my personal motto.

Because really, isn't it?

This weekend we went to this local event that was pretty cool. It was this thing where a bunch of food and wine vendors and restaurants come and set up tables with samples of their stuff. It was a benefit that benefited the town I live in, so I was (somewhat) into it.  Plus I love food so there was that. Plus I said I'd go when I was feeling not mental, so even if I changed my mind I still pretty much had to go because I said I'd be the driver.

The event was held in this barn in the country. I love that barn. Kara had her wedding there and it was pretty much the best wedding I ever went to, if I do say so myself. 

The place was cool and there were a bunch of people there, as one would expect.  I have a little issue with introversion though, so things like this always send me into a little inner hysteria. It's inner, so nobody would really know. I know how to keep my shit to myself and slap a smile on my face and be nice.  I've been doing it for pretty much my whole life, so.

My sister and her husband went with us, and Kara and her husband too, so I had some of my people there for a buffer. We saw some people there that I genuinely like, so that was good. The food was pretty great. I filled my plate and I wasn't even halfway through the place. I was positive that I would go back for another plate but then I got full. Damn it.  I hate when I get full when I'm not ready to be done eating.

So Alex was in this conversation with this jerk that I can't stand. I so wasn't planning on going anywhere near that trainwreck because I really can't stand the guy, but a stupid amount of time passed, and eventually I was like, WTF.

So Alex and I had eye contact, and then we had a conversation without speaking.  It went something like this,

Me: WTF.

Him: I know! Sorry! I got cornered and I can't tap out! MAYDAY, MAYDAY!

Me: Fine, I'll rescue you. 

So I went up and expertly tapped him out like the kind wife that I am.  Then Alex had a legit allergy attack so we had to get the hell out of dodge, quickly.

Thankfully I had the opportunity to eat all of the great stuff on my plate AND some cupcakes, because if the allergy attack happened sooner it would have been much harder to leave. I mean, I'd have been standing there looking longingly at my plate, then looking at him with his red swelling face, back and forth a few times. I'm sure I would have chosen him over the food, but it might have been begrudgingly.

Anyway, I was basically Meredith Grey with my doctoring skills, and I was a god damned hero. Of course everything turned out fine because I probably should have been a surgeon but instead I decided to fulfill my destiny on an office couch. The rest of the weekend went off without a hitch, and here we are. One step closer to summer vacation. WooHOO. 

I'll let you decide if the woohoo is in the sarcasm font or not.

If I can see your uvula, you're too close to me.

I think I appear warm and kind and engaged when I am in a conversation with someone. But I just can't handle when someone gets in my personal space. Close talkers make me very uncomfortable.

I mean, if I can see your uvula, you're too close to me.  If I can see your nose hairs, you are too close to me.  If I can see your ear wax, you are definitely too close to me.

What makes a person think that they can get all up in your mug and you'll be OK with that?  Seriously, isn't it uncomfortable for them too?

First of all, I have breath anxiety. I am very concerned that if I have bad breath and someone is a close talker then they will walk away and think, she must have had a shit sandwich for lunch.  That's my nightmare. That someone would think that I had a shit sandwich.

It's also my nightmare that someone with their own shit sandwich breath would be a close talker to me. I can't take bad breath in my airspace.  It makes me gag a little. Then I have to talk with my nose plugged from the inside. You know, plugging your nose without actually touching your nose.   

Also, if someone is a close talker I feel like it's very hard to make lingering eye contact. I hate lingering eye contact. I find myself focusing on their teeth, or their gigantic earlobes, or that tiny little scar under their eyebrow. And if I am not making eye contact, maybe they are thinking that I am rude and not paying attention. When in all actuality, I am just not digging the fact that I can feel their breath on my skin.

There are basically two instances when close talking could be appropriate. One, if we were in a club, and we were all off in a corner somewhere having a deep conversation and it was really hard to hear, then that is an instance where being a close talker would be OK with me. I mean, you practically have to be mouth to ear to hear over the noise of a hopping club anyway. Incidentally, I haven't been to a hopping club in a really long time. I have no desire to go to a hopping club, in case you were wondering.

And two, if we were like, getting close and cozy and couple-ish, close talking is appropriate, and kind of really good. But you know, your average random friend-type person and I aren't going to be doing that sort of thing. Because that's not how I roll.

Close talkers make me very uncomfortable

I think I am warm and loving and engaged when I am in conversation.  But I just can't handle when someone gets in my personal space.  Close talkers make me very uncomfortable.

I mean, if I can see your uvula, you're too close to me.  If I can see your nose hairs, you are too close to me.  If I can see your ear wax, you are definitely too close to me.

What makes a person think that they can get all up in your mug and you'll be OK with that?  Seriously, isn't it uncomfortable for them too?

I have breath anxiety.  I am very concerned that if I have bad breath and someone is a close talker then they will walk away and think, she must have had a shit sandwich for lunch.  That's my nightmare.  That someone would think that I had a shit sandwich.

It's also my nightmare that someone with their own shit sandwich breath would be a close talker to me.  I can't take bad breath in my airspace.  It makes me gag a little.  Then I have to talk with my nose plugged from the inside.  You know, plugging your nose without actually touching your nose.  

Also, if someone is a close talker I feel like it's very hard to make lingering eye contact.  I find myself focusing on someone's teeth, or their earlobes or that tiny little scar under their eyebrow.  And if I am not making eye contact, maybe they are thinking that I am rude and not paying attention.  When in all actuality, I am just not digging the fact that I can feel their breath on my skin.

If we were in a club, and we were all off in a corner somewhere having a deep  conversation and it was really hard to hear, then that is an instance where being a close talker would be OK with me. I mean, you practically have to be mouth to ear to hear over the noise of a hopping club anyway.

Incidentally, I haven't been to a hopping club in a really long time.