Monday, April 4, 2016

If I can see your uvula, you're too close to me.

I think I appear warm and kind and engaged when I am in a conversation with someone. But I just can't handle when someone gets in my personal space. Close talkers make me very uncomfortable.

I mean, if I can see your uvula, you're too close to me.  If I can see your nose hairs, you are too close to me.  If I can see your ear wax, you are definitely too close to me.

What makes a person think that they can get all up in your mug and you'll be OK with that?  Seriously, isn't it uncomfortable for them too?

First of all, I have breath anxiety. I am very concerned that if I have bad breath and someone is a close talker then they will walk away and think, she must have had a shit sandwich for lunch.  That's my nightmare. That someone would think that I had a shit sandwich.

It's also my nightmare that someone with their own shit sandwich breath would be a close talker to me. I can't take bad breath in my airspace.  It makes me gag a little. Then I have to talk with my nose plugged from the inside. You know, plugging your nose without actually touching your nose.   

Also, if someone is a close talker I feel like it's very hard to make lingering eye contact. I hate lingering eye contact. I find myself focusing on their teeth, or their gigantic earlobes, or that tiny little scar under their eyebrow. And if I am not making eye contact, maybe they are thinking that I am rude and not paying attention. When in all actuality, I am just not digging the fact that I can feel their breath on my skin.

There are basically two instances when close talking could be appropriate. One, if we were in a club, and we were all off in a corner somewhere having a deep conversation and it was really hard to hear, then that is an instance where being a close talker would be OK with me. I mean, you practically have to be mouth to ear to hear over the noise of a hopping club anyway. Incidentally, I haven't been to a hopping club in a really long time. I have no desire to go to a hopping club, in case you were wondering.

And two, if we were like, getting close and cozy and couple-ish, close talking is appropriate, and kind of really good. But you know, your average random friend-type person and I aren't going to be doing that sort of thing. Because that's not how I roll.

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