Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I could be bare assed in my casket, and you'd never even know it.

Alex and I recently went to breakfast together and were asked, in a group of people that we didn't know, if we minded being seated at a group table (with them). Apparently there were no more two person tables, and if we didn't elect to sit at a group table, it would be a while before we could be seated. 

Being seated with a group of people that you don't know is an introvert's nightmare.  My nightmare, actually.

Alex on the other hand, is the exact opposite of me, and can totally hang with anyone. He never seems uncomfy and he never says stupid stuff (well... he actually says a lot of stupid stuff, but I think I am the only one who notices).

So of course, we had to smile and say, "Oh sure! No problem! We just want to eat some breakfast!" We couldn't be the assholes who said, "Nah. We'll wait,"

Meanwhile, I'm inwardly panicking at having to talk to people and make eye contact and be sort of normal.

So we were seated with 4 other groups of two, a total of 10 of us, at one table. People immediately started chatting like they were old pals, nobody seemed uncomfortable with the arrangement. I of course was doing my typical sit back and assess the situation quietly thing. One lady was like, "Can you believe those jerks who said they wanted to be seated alone?" And while my husband gave me a sideways glance, I inwardly said to myself, "Phew, thankfully we weren't the jerks." Because I can't stand being looked at as the jerk.

So I have to be honest.  It was a pretty fun breakfast.  All sorts of interesting conversation was flowing. In the course of the breakfast, we learned that two of the women were a gay married couple, and one of them was a pastor.  I always thought that might be frowned upon, like being gay in a church-type situation, so it was pretty awesome that whatever church they belonged to seemed to be super accepting.  So the pastor lady discovered that she had something in common with this one single lady (who was there with a single lady friend), and that it was that they were both singers.  Gospel singers I think. 

The one single lady gospel singer started talking about how much she has overcome in her life, how she was a recovering drug addict (7 years sober! so awesome), and particularly, how she had her funeral completely planned out.

And I was like huh.  This lady couldn't be more than ten years older than I am.  Should I have my funeral all planned out? I mean I do send my oldest kid an email whenever I go away alone telling her what I want her to do if I die. I suppose that is a plan. 

But the gospel singer recovering addict single lady was all, "I want a PARTY, a CELEBRATION. I want a full body casket because I look FINE.  I never leave the house without my hair and nails done. My kids know what I want to be buried in and it better show some CLEAVAGE. And I don't want anybody feeling like they only have a minute to talk about me, there is A LOT to say about me, so they can stay up there talking about me as long as they want!"

I just laughed... it was the funniest conversation.  I had literally just met this woman ten minutes ago and I knew a good portion of her life story, AND exactly what she wanted to happen at her funeral, down to the music and setting. Including the people she wanted to invite (to her funeral)... all of the past boyfriends she's ever had.  So they could look at her in her full body casket all dead and looking fine (her words) and miss her.

So that was probably one of the most entertaining breakfasts that I had ever been a part of.  I wasn't ready to leave.

When we wrapped up and my husband and I were walking away, I was like, "You know you better not put me in anything that makes me look like a fatass in my casket!"

And he was like, "Well nobody would see your ass anyway.  You'd be half covered.  You could have a bare ass in there for all its worth. In fact, maybe..."

So I said, "You would never!"

And he said, all smirking, "I guess you'd never know, would you?"

And I was like, "OH YES I WILL! I will haunt you!  I'm picking out my death outfit as soon as we get home and you better honor my wishes!"

So that's why I decided exactly what I want to be buried in when I die, hopefully far, far in advance. At least I know it'll be sort of flattering.

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