Fat Barbie, yay or nay?

So its been a few months now that Mattel came out with their new Barbie dolls.  If you aren't in the know, the makers of Barbie added three new body types to the "regular" disproportionate doll that they've been selling since my mom was a kid. This was following the big changes that were made last year, where they added Barbies with a bunch of different skin tones and hair textures. The purpose for the latest big, secretive change was that the dolls are supposed to better represent the kid population in all of it's glorious diversity.

Tall, petite and curvy.

So, how do you feel about it? 

I'm not sure how I feel.  On one hand, it's so important for little kids to actually see diversity and differences in the dolls (toys) that they play with, because imaginative play is one of the ways they practice being grown-ups. But is Mattel missing the mark by focusing so much on body shapes and sizes? Why not just introduce a few new Barbies without concentrating so much on physical attributes, but just quietly adding them? Like say, putting out an athletic looking Barbie, who might have thicker, stronger thighs and flatter feet (better than the typical tippy-toe Barbie for cleats and sneakers). Instead of calling her "big-legged Barbie," they'd be focusing more on her strength and athleticism. I mean - why are we still so absorbed with "looks?"  Shouldn't we be paying more attention to more important attributes, like being smart, strong, independent?  Is beauty an important attribute?

I mean, chubby Barbie can certainly come packaged like a doctor, right?  Not all doctors are thin.

The truth is, physical characteristics can definitely play a role in how a person is viewed by others, and there are plenty of physical characteristics that people are born with that cannot (and should not) be changed. I think if beauty is an important attribute, the dolls should represent a broader view of beauty, but it definitely shouldn't be the sole focus.

Images that kids are bombarded with on a daily basis are not often true to nature, or at the very least, aren't the norm.  Seeing these images consistently equated with "perfection," or "beauty" discourages kids from accepting their own beautiful imperfect selves.  Ultimately, we should all be encouraging our kids to embrace the unique physical characteristics that they were born with, since those characteristics make them who they are. Dolls and toys that represent more of the general population is a step in the right direction.

I'm down with the idea of the new Barbies, I'd just like to see the focus move from "looks," to "strengths." What do you think?

Just think about it. Then, slowly step away from your devices.

I was recently out to dinner in a kind of casual spot, and I was seated across from a young couple with a baby, probably somewhere between 1 and 2 years old. I try not to judge, but man, I couldn't tear my eyes away from this family.  Both parents were on their cell phones, no joke, the entire time they were seated. They weren't talking on their phones, but scrolling through social media.  They propped an iPad in front of the baby with a cartoon on, and he just kind of sat there, watching the cartoon.

I try not to judge but it was pretty much directly in front of my face, so I couldn't not see it, and I do have an opinion on it.  I figure, why not share it and see what you all think.

So this might be the time we live in, but I felt pretty sad for that family. Nobody talked, nobody interacted... every now and then someone would reach over and readjust the ipad for the baby. I feel like I sound like an old person, but I just don't understand this. I tried to see the justification of popping the baby in front of a video, maybe they wanted to enjoy a meal out together and didn't have a babysitter.  Maybe the baby freaks out and the TV calms him... maybe they were wiped out and just wanted peace and quiet and food.

I think that this lack of actual human interaction is going to create a problem in the future. Looking at this situation in particular, what was so glaring to me was that there was so little real life actually happening. There was no talking about what to order for dinner, no chatting about how their day was, no knowing glances between two partners, no commiserating over a cranky baby at the table. These missing things are all things that make us human. 

Kids learn by example, and even though he was a little guy, he was still learning and assessing and processing the environment around him. From what I saw in that tiny chunk of time, the opportunity for several small lessons were lost. When a kid goes out to dinner with his parents, he learns how to behave in public, he learns how to properly use utensils, he learns how to interact in a different environment, he learns how to use an inside voice, how to entertain himself, manners, how to wait patiently. He also learns by example how his parents treat each other, how they treat the waiter, how they communicate.  

Clearly there are plenty of other opportunities for these little lessons to be learned, but it makes you wonder what lessons were lost. Some things that he probably did subconsciously learn from that outing were that perhaps his parents are often distracted, that he can't behave without having a TV to watch, that it's normal to not communicate verbally.  Little kids learn about their world largely through face-to-face interactions, vocalizations and touching with parents. They also develop language skills this way. What are the developmental implications if kids do not get this?  Of course this was an isolated incident, who knows what life is like at home for that little family. I'd like to think there is a lot more interaction...

Children who constantly see their parents distracted by technology at the dinner table must feel neglected, insecure or not worthy of their parents time. They’re absolutely going to miss a lot of the benefits of eating meals together as a family. I really believe that kids have to have emotional, physical, and verbal presence of a loving caretaker.

At the very least, if parents "unplug" during meals, it will set a positive example for children, since it will just be a matter of time before these kids have their own devices to be distracted by.

the great spank debate

Oh relax.


RELAX judgey.  I'm not a spanker.


Well, a very rare, hardly even occasional spanker.


I was one of those "I'll never spank my kid," moms.  Yes I was.


That was when I had my first kid though, and she was a freaking angel.  Well, most of the time.  Besides, when she wasn't an angel, her offenses were far too minor to merit a straight up smack on the buns.


I think the only time she was ever spanked was when she was about 6 and she convinced her 3 year old cousin to hide from me and her parents - and not come out from hiding when we called.  We ran up and down the street yelling for them, scared to death that they were stolen by bad guys right out from under our noses.  That spank was given out of straight up terror.


But Alex, my little buddy.  He was such a challenging kid for a chunk of time.  I was so unsure of how to parent a challenging kid.  I just did not know what to do with him.  I mean, he was kind of aggressive, and we aren't aggressive at all.  I never spanked, we don't hit, smack, push... we don't yell, we never really even fight.  Honest to Cod with four kids, none of them have ever felt the angry punch of a sibling unless if you count from a punch from a rousing game of Punch Buggy.


So I was taken aback when he was hitty as a toddler.  I was all like, "Where did he learn that?!"  "What am I doing wrong?!"  "How do I fix him?!"


I tried everything.  I got right down on his level and talked to him, tried reasoning with him.  I read books, I talked with other parents, experimented with time-outs and various other methods of dealing with an aggressive kid.  I had to be hyper-vigilant when there were other little kids around, and it could be stressful and exhausting and embarrassing.  I felt like I had to be super aware so I could head off an attack that was potentially building up, and I could never just relax.


Alex wasn't really very verbal for a while.  He wasn't slow by any means, he mimicked words and all of that normal stuff, he just didn't exactly form coherent sentences as quickly as my first child.  But the good thing was, he was extremely transparent.  I could tell from across the room when he was getting frustrated and getting ready to wind up and smack his cousin off of her chair.


That's when I typically hopped in and redirected his attention, stepped in and helped him get his message across.  When I actually recognized why he was aggressive, it made a ton of sense. When putting myself into the mind of an almost three-year-old who couldn't say, "Hey that's MY truck! I was using it first!  Give it back!"  I finally grasped the frustration he must have been feeling.  Because he couldn't yet verbalize his feelings of anger or upset, he'd just knock someone off their seat, smack them or scream in their face to get his point across.


Prior to recognizing that, I remember swatting him out of sheer frustration.  Frustration because he just whaled someone for no apparent reason.  Again.  And nothing that I did or said seemed to get through to him.  In all honesty, spanking didn't do any more than the other methods that I tried.


But then, I'll never forget this one time when he was being particularly aggressive with his cousin.  I was angry and spanked him and set him on the stairs for a time out, and he looked up at me with tears in his eyes, on his little red cheeks, and it killed me.  Killed me.  He was looking at me like I hurt him.  I was his mom and I was supposed to help him, not hurt him.  All of a sudden, I was devastated and horrified.  In fact, I will admit it gives me a tear in my own eye when I think of that moment.  It was a light bulb moment, and it completely changed the way I dealt with him in his moments of naughtiness.


And he is such a joy.  I just love my boy.  He's such a good, kind, funny charismatic kid.  I truly enjoy him, and I feel guilty that I didn't figure him out sooner.  I feel guilty that I just assumed parenting him would be just like parenting his older (easier) sister.  I feel guilty that I lost control, and went against my belief that spanking a kid does nothing more than teach them that the bigger, stronger people can get away with hitting and being aggressive when it suits them.


At the end of the day, it was all about being aware.  Paying attention so I could step in and redirect his attention when I noticed him getting frustrated.  It helped tremendously to get down on his level and put myself in his shoes.  Not that there was any justification for his aggression other than the fact that he was learning how to deal with his emotions, but I finally understood.  And when I quit making it about me (why wouldn't he listen to me?  what am I doing wrong?) and made it about him, I got it.  And when I got it, I was able to help him work through his anger - and it worked.


It really worked.


There was a lot consistency.  A lot of, "Use your words," and "I'm counting to three..." those were the most often used phrases.  In fact, years later, all I have to do is hold up one finger from across the room at ANY of my kids (yes, including my 14 1/2 year old son), together with the evil eye, and they will quit whatever it is that they are doing to bug me, like immediately.  Communicating very clearly.


So, I'm not pro-spanking.  I am not saying that I wouldn't swat my kid if I felt it in the moment, or that I am sitting here judging spankers.  But I do think it can easily get out of hand, and I won't use it as a way to get my kids to behave or listen to me.  I know how it feels to feel frustrated with your child, to be at your wits end - but I believe there are always other ways of approaching things.


Yes, I was spanked as a kid.  Yes, I was scared of getting spanked, and no I do not think it harmed me.  My spankings weren't lose your mind ass-whippings, they were more like the, "wait til your dad gets home," kind of spankings that had you sweating in your room til you heard your Dad pull up.  Which is when you quickly put on every single pair of underpants you owned (to cushion the spank) and prayed it wasn't going to be a bare hiney spanking.


I do firmly believe that a healthy fear of your parent is a good thing on many levels.  But I don't want my child to fear that I am going to physically hurt him if I am angry with him.  I want him to wonder what the heck I could do if I'm angry with him.  And that's where the healthy fear comes in.  Fear that if they push my buttons too hard, I could lose it.


And never discount the evil eye, it really does go a long way if you use it correctly.