Thursday, March 31, 2016

a small, scary freak-show of a world out there in the online dating community

So I was recently appalled.

I was chatting with someone about her vast and insane experiences in the online dating world, and she told me about one particular incident that completely had my mouth open in like, shock.

And you know, I'm not all innocent! I know things! I know there are all sorts of weirdos with weird fetishes out there. I mean, guys, people are weird.

As I said in a recent post (click HERE), I can't imagine being in the dating world these days, trying to navigate through a conglomeration of freaking crazy nut jobs, just to find one normalish dude who doesn't want to murder me on vacation.

ANYway, back to the weird incident. So apparently, she met this guy on an online dating site, and he asked her if she would be into the kind of thing where she would leave her door open on a night that was pre-determined, and he would sneak inside, in a mask, and hook up with her. No talking. Just a masked hook up. No pre-getting-to-know-you-are-you-as-weird-as-I-am coffee date, just a miscellaneous hook up with an unknown masked man. A faux-rape date, if you will.

Huh.

Do people actually DO that??  Like, the girl knows absolutely nothing about the guy - no name, no face, no way to give anyone any details if the guy turns out to be a freaking ax murderer. Imagine how it would go if you had to give the cops a description, "Well, he was in all black, head to toe, he was quiet and sneaky, hm.. average in weiner size... kind of crappy in the sack..." and the cops would be all, "Um ma'am, I don't think that is really going to help us with the investigation."

I was like, "Haha, I wonder how many times he throws that out there before someone bites." So she was like, "Well I was intrigued... it could be like a fantasy thing." And I was like, "OMFG, you're going to get killed." (This is not the first time I have said those same exact words when discussing her online dating experiences) And during this conversation, my cousin came along and was all, "OMG a person I work with was talking with the same guy on Tinder!" Dude gets around... 

I guess it's a small, scary freak-show of a world out there in the online dating community.

Alex better not die because if he did, I think I'd be destined to be alone forever.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

tuna standoff update, burglars and pants in public

So last week I posted about An Epic Tuna Standoff, and I am happy to report that a mere 14 days into the standoff, the disgusting tuna container thing was miraculously removed from the back porch and cleaned.

At this point, we haven't spoken of it. For all I know, a burglar could have come in and cleaned that gross thing. Except that would be such a great burglar, wouldn't it? A burglar who comes and cleans, and maybe just like, steals something little. I'd invite him over to vacuum the family room if he was into it.

Why did I assume the burglar was a guy?  If you were my niece you might think that was very sexist of me.  Welp. I guess it was. I cant help but assume a burglar is a guy. Bad guys are guys, usually. Right?

On a similar note, isn't burglar a great word?  I don't think too many people use it anymore, and that is a damn shame. I never hear anyone say that they were burgled. Could be that there is less burgling happening these days, but who knows. I'm going to try to say burglar a lot more often.

I'd like to point out that I said burglar or some form of burglar at least 47 times in just a few paragraphs.

Fine, 47 was a slight exaggeration, but I think I was pretty close.

So, it's Tuesday.  WooHOO! Not sure why that is exciting, but I'm sure it is for some people. I have been lazy on my comfy office couch, reading, making vacation plans, drinking coffee, that kind of stuff. I have avoided any real, job/type obligations, such as laundry, dishes, eating, showering, vacuuming... I just haven't gotten around to it with all of the fabulous laziness. I suppose I should get my ass in gear because there is really only about an hour of peaceful quiet left in my day. Then, I have to be on, ready to answer questions and chat and feed small people.

Speaking of feeding small people, if I don't run to the grocery store, I will have nothing to feed people with, because the cupboards are pretty bare. Hey, I sounded like Old Mother Hubbard right there... which unfortunately isn't all that much of a stretch.

So anyway, I'm off. I will brush my hair and put on pants to look presentable at the grocery store, but only because it's more acceptable to wear pants in public. But that's IT, and I won't like it! And as soon as I get home I will put my comfy clothes back on and resume my position. In case you were wondering. :)

Monday, March 28, 2016

easter wrap up and a moldy breakfast

So wow. Thank God Easter is over. Is that sacrilegious? If so, sorry God.

I had such a busy, fun-filled few days, but I was so glad when I woke up and it was Monday. The kids are back to school, the house is quiet and calm again, and I have nothing to do.

Nothing to do is my favorite thing.

I may or may not have slept til 10 am this morning. Don't judge me! I couldn't even help it! My curtains were closed and it was quiet and dark and nobody was home. It was totally an accident. But it was great. Though it is afternoon and I still feel kind of sleepy. I wonder if it has to do with the sleeping in like a teen-ager thing. Either that or the fact that it's a grey, drizzly day where I live. Those cozy days always make me sleepy.

We had my sister and her family here all weekend. We went on a few hikes, we colored eggs, we ate way too much, and I drank way too much. It was great. We sat around and sang duets and danced and played a funny card game. We had a big Easter egg hunt at my house, and a big Sunday dinner at my sister Ali's house. My son was home from college, which I love. I'd say it was a pretty successful holiday weekend. Except the part when I weighed myself this morning, but let's not go there right now.

Speaking of unpleasant things this morning, I ate some moldy bread. I discovered it right after I had eaten the entire piece of toast, including a few misc crumbs that I hoovered off of the plate. So then I felt so grossed out that I googled "what happens if you eat moldy bread," just in case I was about to keel over in a violent spore-filled puff of whatever.

Apparently it's no big deal. 

Good to know.

ANYway,  happy Monday! Here's hoping your bread isn't moldy!



Sunday, March 27, 2016

365pics4u: A Photo a Day Challenge, Days 15 - 21

So I've decided to do a photo a day challenge. The goal is to take a picture a day for 365 days. If you like photography and you feel like sharing some original shots, jump in at any point! Just start with day one and share a link to your post in the comments below. You can also share them on insta (follow me:jesseeb), just be sure to tag me and hashtag 365pics4u, so everyone can check them out! The shots should be your own, and can be anything that you think works with the category of the day. There are no wrong photos. I'll post my week of photos every Sunday. 

This week's photos:

Day 15: PEACE




Day 16: BLACK and WHITE




Day 17: SPRING




Day 18: ANIMAL




Day 19: UPSIDE DOWN



Day 20: DRIVE



Day 21:SUNSET 




Don't forget next weeks photos!

Day 22: LITTLE
Day 23: FUNNY
Day 24: SOFT
Day 25: BREAKFAST
Day 26: TRUCK
Day 27: JOY
Day 28: SIGN

Friday, March 25, 2016

The last word, v 16

People Magazine has this feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on some of the last things they've done.  So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything (wait. what?!), I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?


The last game I played was Words With Friends. I just want to point out that I'm winning in almost all of my games. I definitely play to win. I love Words.

The last time I was late was actually today. It was my fault. We have painter guys kicking around the house so I am all discombobulated. I had to share the little bathroom with my husband getting ready! That was a tight squeeze, let me tell you. I had to be presentable because I had to bring one of my kids to an appointment, and we were FIVE MINUTES late! I hate being late but good news, nobody even seemed to notice.

The last time I held a baby was a long time ago! I could use some good baby holding action. I'm sure it was a few months ago, and I held my daughter's best friend's little beauteous baby, Alice. 

The last time I cried was probably like, a week ago!  Shocking actually. My crybaby ways are getting better! Unless if you call a slight tear in my eye during Grey's a cry, but since the tear didn't fall I don't think it should count. That was last night.

The last time family embarrassed me was at a restaurant in Florida. We had a sucky waitress and my mom left a horrible tip. Barely a tip even. I do get it, the waitress was totally a jerk. She wasn't just a bad waitress, but also snotty and rude. But still, it's very hard for me not to leave a semi decent tip. I snuck out before the waitress came back.

The last splurge I had was probably taking my littlest kid on a surprise long weekend to Disney. We had such a nice time together.


The last reality TV that I watched was on Wednesday night - we watched Survivor.  I'm a big Survivor fan. I used to be positive that I could be the last man standing, but now I'm pretty sure I would get dumped pretty quickly.  If I could play Survivor by my own self, just me on a deserted island, I could last a loooooong time.

The last chore I did was vacuuming, about an hour ago. Well, actually, after that I loaded the dishwasher. And straightened up the family room... It's hard to pinpoint, sometimes I feel like I do chores all day long.

The last thing I ate was a little circle of Babybel cheese. Mmmm... I love those little things. I love cheese. I'm a cheese lover.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

random, boring misc chatter

Its been kind of a weird week. I have had painters here doing some painting inside the house - we're changing some things up. We built this house 11 years ago, and I am definitely overdue for some change.  A fresh coat of paint makes everything seem better and new and fresh. Like a Spring thing. 

So that's good. But what isn't good is that I have to be UP and SHOWERED at the ungodly hour of like 7:30 am. What am I, an animal?? My eyes are so sleepy they want to fall asleep. It's not very pleasant.

Alex has actually been to work early all week for the first time in our marriage. So he's been getting a lot of work done. He was shocked at how much he could accomplish by getting to work at like 8:30 am, as opposed to when he typically rolls in at 10:30 or so. I think he'd be shocked if he ever changed firms. I'm not sure all employers would appreciate his slow-pokey time table. He just cannot be early or on time, ever. It's a thing. Actually it is one of the very few things we ever get in a tiff over. Or I get irritated enough to flash an evil eye at.

His chronic lateness used to drive me crazy.  But I've pretty much gotten over it. It only makes me mad when it affects me or the kids, because I like being on time! Otherwise, I shut my trap and let the chips fall where they may. I'm not his mom.

Alex is home from college for the week. I love having him around, he's so funny. He's so ready to get up and get going every day, so unfortunately I think he looks at me like I am a huge loser, because I don't usually do a lot of fun stuff every minute of every day. He does like being entertained. My idea of entertainment is sitting on my comfy couch/office, drinking a cup of coffee, reading the news, maybe playing a Words game or something. His idea is definitely not that.

So it's almost Easter and my sister is coming into town tomorrow, which will be fun. She'll be the first to sleep in the newly put together guest room. Unless someone snores tonight. :) It'll be a full house because I think all of her kids are coming too.  My niece KK is a nurse in Philli, so she has shitty hours and we hardly ever get to see her anymore. Especially during holidays, so I'm looking forward to hanging with her. She's one of my favorite people.

Other than that, it's been pretty boring and uneventful around here. Except whoa. My newly discovered best lunch ever!!  Kara found this recipe for cucumber noodles with peanut sauce on Pinterest, and I have been obsessed with it. I have made it for lunch every single day. I could also eat it for breakfast and dinner. Click HERE if you want to check out the recipe.

It just occurred to me that my kids have no school tomorrow, and I have no Easter candy or basket stuff. I'm a slacker mom!! Not only am I a shitty tooth fairy, I am also a shitty Easter bunny! Well THAT stinks! That means I have to make a Target run. Hm, I guess that's not the worst thing ever.




Wednesday, March 23, 2016

What do Girls Scouts, Phil Collins and mental math have in common?

You're probably wondering if I will answer that question in this blog post. And yes, yes I will. In due time. 

In due time.  Who says that? Apparently me. But hardly ever.

ANYway,  guess what??  A ton of you guys are just as boring and bland and average as I am!  No offense, but I find that kind of exciting.  I bet you are wondering how I could possibly know that interesting information about all of you.  I will just say that I read an article on the top ten resolutions that women make for the new year or something -- and guess whose three resolutions were in the top ten?  Mine!  So yeah.  Because we're all like, so similar!

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about what a racket I think Girl Scouts have going on.  I mean the cookie part.

Lets be real -- how many people would normally spend $4 on a tiny little box of cookies??  The Girl Scout Racketeers get these cute little kids to walk around in their cute little uniforms and smile their cute little smiles, and then beg you for your cold hard cash in exchange for a couple of cookies. A thing that maybe holds 16 cookies, because doesn't it seem like they've really reduced the amount of cookies that they fit in those boxes??  I will refer to that concept as shrinkage.  Similar to George Costanza's concept, but not really.  So anyway, then those racketeers go ahead and scare you with the fact that you can only buy the (insert air quotes) "very special" cookies like once a year!

So then you find yourself trying to make a chart on how many boxes per month you think you your family will chomp through, and you know, with a family of five (that occasionally includes a boy that  eats like a small horse) you would say that a fair assumption would be 8. Eight boxes a month.  So if you multiply eight boxes a month by twelve months, you end up buying a truckload of 96 boxes. You know, just to be on the safe side.  So then you go ahead and multiply the 96 boxes by the freaking four bucks a box and Cod help us all, we've just spent 384 bucks on cookies!!  See what I mean about a racket??

I'd just like to point out that I multiplied all of that in my head.

Anyway -- it's a RACKET I tell you!

Well I am only buying eight boxes in total. That's a resolution right there. And I am going to hoard them.  And I will shamelessly eat them in private. And I might share a few, but there's no absolute definitive in that statement. Because I am the mom.  And I have that kind of power. Not like the Wonder Twins kind of power, but the Mother who makes and enforces the rules kind of Power.  Which is pretty much as hard core as Wonder Twin powers, if you ask me.

p.s. I kinda forgot all about Phil Collins. I am typing this post while listening to my best ever 80's playlist on Spotify, and I just was pleasantly reminded of him when a cool old tune of his came on. You rock on Phil!

And THAT is what Girl Scouts, Phil Collins and mental math have in common. Mostly the fact that they all showed up in one random post, but still.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

A tuna standoff of epic proportions

This is a story of a slight power struggle regarding tuna.

I have a weak constitution. I hate smelly smells - they make me gag. This is not new news. Personally, I would never make tuna fish and then turn it into a leftover.  Because really, who does that??  Does anyone EVER eat the rest of the tuna after it has been sitting there in the fridge for a few days?  No!  Nobody does!  Because that would be gross! And potentially vomit inducing. And besides, is that small plop of extra tuna going to make or break your sandwich anyway??


So apparently, my husband thinks leftover tuna is a good idea.
I
If I open the leftover container thing, the smell will 100 % make me throw up, so being the kind wife that I am, I left the tuna on the side of the sink for my husband to discretely clean out at his leisure. That happened approximately eight LEISURE FILLED days ago, but who's counting? At this point, the leftover tuna has gone from the fridge (still looking kind of appetizing), to the kitchen counter (wouldn't eat it with a ten foot pole), to the back porch (disgusting and moldy and drippy, ugh). Which is where it patiently waits for (insert air quotes here) "someone" to dispose of it. I think we all know who "someone" is. We are currently encroaching on day 9 of the counter to porch move.



I'd say it is safe to assume we have reached a tuna standoff of epic proportions. It reminds me of a goldfish cracker standoff that lasted an embarrassing amount of time. As you would assume, there was ONE lone goldfish on the floor for weeks. WEEKS! I'm sadly not even kidding. It became a thing to me, to see how long it would take for someone to bend down and pick it up without me asking - I mean, it wasn't off the beaten path or anything, it was right in our normal living space! There are five people in this freaking place!    

Any betters out there who care to make a wager on how long the disgusting tuna will remain on the porch?

Sunday, March 20, 2016

365pics4u: A photo a day Challenge, Days 8 - 14

So I've decided to do a photo a day challenge. The goal is to take a picture a day for 365 days. If you like photography and you feel like sharing some original shots, jump in at any point! Just start with day one and share a link to your post in the comments below. You can also share them on insta (follow me:jesseeb), just be sure to tag me and hashtag 365pics4u, so everyone can check them out! The shots should be your own, and can be anything that you think works with the category of the day. There are no wrong photos. I'll post my week of photos every Sunday. 

This week's photos:

Day 8: DOOR




Day 9: KEEP OUT




Day 10: CLOVER




Day 11: DOCK




Day 12: FOG




Day 13: PATH





Day 14: EGG




Don't forget next weeks photos!

Day 15: PEACE
Day 16: BLACK and WHITE
Day 17: SPRING
Day 18: ANIMAL
Day 19: UPSIDE DOWN
Day 20: DRIVE
Day 21: SUNSET


Friday, March 18, 2016

Overshooting the gap, Dell Griffith & remote control hysteria

I consider it a personal accomplishment when I time the fast forwarding of a commercial perfectly. Does that make me weird?

Wait. Don't answer that.

But seriously though, doesn't it just make everything seem like it's right in the world, when you are holding down that fast forward button, and you ever so slightly release... til BOOM. You hit the nail on the head and you've completely skipped the commercials, timing it with utter perfection.  Because who watches commercials anymore anyway?  What are we, animals??

Even though I am almost always the picker of the TV lineup for the night, my husband is the remote control holder. I allow that He's the remote control holder mostly because I can't see the buttons with my naked eye, and consistently fuck up the touching of the buttons.  If I don't have my reading glasses on, they all look the same and DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??

Those caps weren't an accident.  I was slightly hysterical there. Sorry.

So anyway, if for some odd reason I have the remote control, it's bound to happen.  I go overboard.  Last night we were watching a DVR'd episode of Survivor, and Alex was watching/working, so I happened to have control of the control.  So a commercial comes on, like they often do in such an annoying fashion, and I started fast forwarding. But I accidentally was backwards fast forwarding.

So of course Alex happened to glance up just as I was messing up, and he's like Hon, you're going the wrong way!

So I glanced over at him and made the gesture that Dell Griffith (John Candy) makes at Neil Page (Steve Martin) in that scene of Planes, Trains and Automobiles - you know the one where they are going the wrong way in the car on the highway and the other car sees them going the wrong way, so the couple in the other car furiously tries to get their attention and screams out the window, "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!" and then Dell Griffith acts like they're pretty much dumb and drunk, and pretends to be drinking? And then toots his horn?

Well if you don't know that scene, or God help us all, that movie, you should really watch it because, Dell Griffith! (American Light and Fixture -- Director of sales, Shower Curtain Ring DivisionAnd also, it's really funny! One of my top ten all time faves, even. And because I'm super nice, I will include a YouTube clip at the end of this post for your viewing pleasure. If you can make it through the stupid 30 second advertisement, you should watch it. Also, isn't it ironic that in order to see the clip you have to watch an advertisement when this whole post is basically about fast forwarding through those stupid things?

ANYway, I made that gesture because that's what we do when someone says "you're going the wrong way."

Then I fumbled around on the remote control and miraculously hit the right button, sending us careening will-nilly into the commercials. (Incidentally, isn't willy-nilly a funny word? And who came up with that anyway? And why? Why did they come up with it?)

So then Alex is suddenly all paying attention and says, Slow down! You're going too fast!  You're going to overshoot the gap!

And I'm all, I'm not, I'm not! I have this! Because I can do it! I'm not a moron! I know what button to press!

But really, I couldn't find the right button, because those dumbass things are kind of small and they all sort of just melt together, especially when you're under a lot of pressure.  So while I was frantically pressing buttons, I made it go even faster, accidentally.

So then Alex is all, You're going to overshoot! Oh yup, there it is. Yes, you did. You overshot the gap. Just let me do it!

Because at that point, now we can see what's happening in the next scene of the show and it'll be all anticlimactic and that's my worst thing.  So I toss the remote at him sheepishly.

And he looks at me like he's a little embarrassed for me, smoothly bringing us to the just right spot with one press of a button.

So I scowl into my ice cream.

And I repeat, DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??


Thursday, March 17, 2016

10 Things to NOT ask your husband

Ten Things you should never ask your husband/boyfriend

besides the obvious  (1) Do I look fat in this?  Because, really -- you know the poor guy can't win here.  If he says yes, you'll go cry in the closet and be mad at him for saying that you look like a fatso.  But if he says no but he really means yes, you'll eventually catch a glimpse of your fat ass in the "realistic" mirror wherever you are, go cry in the coat check room and be mad at him for not telling you that you that you look like a fatso.

(2) What time will you be home? 9 times out of 10 (if it's my husband), he won't be home when he says he will be, and dinner will be all cold and you'll be all pissed. And if he says he is on the way, figure an extra 10-15 minutes or so he can frantically run to the car (that, lets be real, he already isn't in) and get the hell out of his office.

(3) Do you think she's prettier than I am?  Because really, don't ask unless you're prepared for the truth. And also, why? Why compare yourself to someone else?  And also, who cares, anyway?

(4) What would you change about me?  Think about it, do you really want to know all of the things that he wishes were different about you?  Way to make yourself insecure and uncomfortable. Besides, any guy who answers this with a long list is just a mean jerk anyway.

(5) How many women have you slept with?  Again, why? Just, so not worth going there.  And to be honest with you, it's really nunya business. The answer has nothing to do with you, yet you'd be unfairly seething over the fact that he had an actual past before he even knew you existed. Everyone has a past, including you, right?

(6) If I died, how long would you wait before you replaced me?  We all know that he's not going to say, "I would never replace you honey!" and actually mean it. Except my husband. He'd mean it. Even though he hates being lonely I am fairly confident he wouldn't want to replace me for a long time. He really likes me.

(7) Is that it?  Because that's just mean. Unless of course your goal was to make him feel like crap. But really, don't do this.

(8) Will you babysit the kids?  Huh. I wasn't aware of the fact that you "babysit" your own children. And if you're asking like, a boyfriend/guy who isn't a parent to your kids, I'd be really freaking careful. It's always the "boyfriend" who does something really horrible.

(9)  Are you sure you know where you're going?  Let's be real, even if he has no freaking clue where in the hell he is, we all know he would never admit it.  And thankfully most of us have some type of navigation/GPS app to help us out if we are ever in such a pickle. Heh. In a pickle is a funny thing.

(10)  Does this match?  Because, come on.  He is a guy.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

That Being Said, and Other Bachelor Stuff - no spoiler

Is it just me or does every other sentence on The Bachelor start with "That being said?"  I'm not sure why that is so annoying to me, but it is.  Maybe it's because I have a splitting headache that four extra strength Motrin won't even touch, and I'm a little cranky.


But wait.  More importantly, I'm pretty sure that I just outed myself as a Bachelor watcher. 

Apparently I did.  And since I've already gone there, I may as well just keep on going.  So who did Ben pick anyway?  Wouldn't you like to know?? (I know) I thought I liked him.  I was iffy when they announced him as the new Bachelor because NICK! and because I was thinking he could be a snore, but he got cuter to me as the season went on.  Then at the end I did rethink that thought.  A) I'm not a fan of his tattoo, and B) he is very intense with his staring eyes.  I get a little panicky when someone looks too deeply into my eyes. It freaks me out. He has a couple of cool things going for him though, he's tall, pretty cute, lives in Denver...  He did turn out to be a little bit of a snore though. Not that everyone has to be "on" constantly, but just, I don't know, entertain me.  Entertain me with more than just make-out after make-out with every single girl there, back to back.  


I get that he has to test the chemistry, but sheesh, that is so rude!  He literally still has a lipstick smudge on his lip from one girl while he is kissing another girl. He's like, making out with two girls in the space of like 27 seconds. 

And I am just going to go out on a limb and say that I thought the group date to swim with pigs was a horrible, horrible choice.  I mean, I like a pig as much as the next gal, but those swimming pieces of ham were HUGE. And aggressive! Jeez.  And who even knew pigs could swim? And I bet those pigs crapped in the water!! GROSS. If I got picked for that date I would have been all, "I was cheated!! Where's my helicopter ride?? Where's my private meet with a cool singer?? Where in the hell are the fireworks?!"

Remember that other Ben from San Francisco? The winery owner guy with the stupid hair? I still remember his face in hand kissing technique, which was very offensive to me.  Just kiss the girl!  Why do you have to be handling her face at the same time?  Like petting her face?  Ugh.  You know who was the worst Bachelor offender of that kissing technique?  The Seattle guy, Jason I think his name was.  Oh my word I almost had to stop watching that season because I couldn't take it anymore. At least current Ben seems like a good kisser. And we all know how important that is.

Well anyway, I'm sure Ben was entertaining himself with all of that kissing. Because why not? I mean, how many other opportunities will you have to make out with 25 gorgeous and willing girls in the space of a few weeks?

Speaking of that, do you ever wonder what kind of contract these guys have to sign?  Like, what happens if you know, things get a little heated with all of that kissing beautiful people stuff?  Is there a cut off?  Like, does a guy step in and say, "Uh OK guys, settle down?" I wonder what the cutter offer guy's job title would be.  Ooh.  I know.  The C Blocker.   Can you imagine that job ad in the classifieds?

Producer, Script Writer, Host, Sound Guy, C Blocker.  Job description:  the opposite of a Fluffer.

Sorry, I'm not saying the c word out loud in print.  It looks too crude.  I'll just say it to your face.  Nah, probably I wouldn't say it to your face.  Not in mixed company anyway.  There are only a few swear words that are tougher to roll off of my tongue, and that's one of them.  I mean, I'll say it.  It just doesn't roll smoothly and effortlessly, like other swear words do.

Wow, there is a lot of jacked up emotion on that show.  In real life, do girls really cry like that over a guy that they barely know?  They are sobbing under the covers and hiding in corners and professing their love for this person, and I would venture a guess that they don't even know his freaking middle name.  I'm sure they don't even know his Mom's name, or like, his favorite flavor of ice cream, or how he takes his whiskey.  Or if he even likes whiskey.

And yet here I sit, thinking about the next season and the grand and likely possibility of the new Bachelorette's mom chugging wine from the bottle like a BOSS.  That would be so entertaining. It's a girl's season, so we'll all have to beware of tons more jacked up emotion.  Guys might typically seem much less emotional than girls, but it comes out in different ways than it does with girls, like, way less sobbing under the covers and way more aggressive competition.

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I already can't wait.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Letters from Grandpa; things to read when you're high

A long time ago, I was hanging out with a crowd that was kind of into smoking (you know who you are) a lot of pot on the weekends. A looooong time ago, like pre-several kids ago. Even though I wasn't as much of a weekend stoner as some of the people I hung out with, I was usually kicking around with everyone.

Most nights started with some loud 90's alternative music, chatting and drinking shitty beer, and ended with a toke or seven, aggressively toasting entire loaves of white bread (because, munchies), and reading letters from Grandpa. Not my grandpa.  My grandpa pretty much just signed birthday cards, unless my grandma forged his signature. The Grandpa Letters were from (fake name>) Juan's Grandpa, who was the most unintentionally hilarious old guy ever. When Juan was in college, Grandpa wrote him religiously, which was really so sweet.

So anyway, eventually Juan would bring out a letter, precariously stand on something tall, and proceed to read it to everyone, high.

If you've ever been high, you know that basically everything is hilarious. So a typical sentence like, "Nan and I really miss going to your band concerts, you are the most talented trombone player we've ever heard!" was basically the most knee-slappingly hysterical sentence ever written. Everything Grandpa wrote made me us them literally laugh til we they got cramps in their sides. Half the time Juan couldn't get through a single sentence without laughing til he was crying. If I recall it felt like it took hours for Juan to finish reading one letter.

Grandpa letters were really long and really detailed, all handwritten of course, and they gave us a ton of material to enjoy when we were a little toasted. Juan still has the letters and we recently discussed bringing them out. 

I wonder if they would still get us going the way they did back then. I have a funny feeling they would... I was recently in the presence of a few of the original members of the Pot Smoking Grandpa Letter Reading Crew, and it just so happened they may have been a snitch on the stoned side. Being that the simplest, most innocent of statements was sending them into lengthy fits of hysteria, I'd bet on the Grandpa letters still being pretty effective. Truth is, we still occasionally quote various things that Juan's grandpa said, and they seem to be just as hilarious when everyone is completely sober. 

That Grandpa was a funny guy.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Maybe I'll just be a Hobo then. Also Alzheimer's and trickery.

I was taking a shower the other day and a good idea for a post came to me. So I was going through everything in my head, and then I was just like, you know what? This whole several minutes of mental planning that I just did was a total loss! THOSE ARE FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE I'LL NEVER GET BACK. Because guess what guys? I know myself. I knew that I would forget the great idea by the time I got to my computer. I could have spent those five minutes having a great daydream!  FYI, I'm a great daydreamer.

So yeah, I forgot it.

I definitely have a memory problem. Short term memory, not long.  I can remember exact moments from way, way back. But I can't keep a thought from the ten minutes it takes me to get from the shower to my freaking comfy office couch.  It's getting ridiculous.  

So about a month or so ago I started playing memory games on an app my sister told me about. Maybe it's been helping a little bit. I will say that I'm slightly obsessed with a few of the games. But ugh, I just know I'm going to get Alzheimer's. I have a huge fear.  I don't think it's irrational. 

On another note I was mad at my sister because she TRICKED me into coming over for a hangout with several people there. I HATE HANGOUTS WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE THERE. Which she is well aware of.  Which is exactly why she tricked me. When I discovered the trickery, I was all moody at my husband because, well, he was there. And also, my sister is a bully so if I didn't show up she said she was never talking to me again.

We were driving along and Alex was all like, Oh come on, it'll be fun.  
And I was like, Oh no it wont!  Who knows what people will be there!  
And he was like, You know you always have fun when you get there.
And then I said, Maybe! But I think I have a sniffle. I might feel a stomach ache coming on.
And he said, You don't have a sniffle, we're going.
And I said, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.
And he laughed!
And so I said, FINE I AM LEAVING YOU! I GUESS I'll JUST BE A HOBO THEN!
And he laughed again!
And he said, Hobos don't have central air. Hobos don't have DVRs, or WiFi.
And then I said, Huh. Well I can live without DVR :::grimace:: and WiFi.  But god damn I'm not sure about the central air...
And he said, We don't have to stay long.
Because maybe he does know me a little.
So I said all grumbley, Fine.

Then we went home and I took a little nap to prepare myself for the tricky hangout. And then guess what?  We went and I had fun. Damn it.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

365pics4u: A photo a day Challenge, Days 1 - 7

So I've decided to do a photo a day challenge. The goal is to take a picture a day for 365 days. If you like photography and you feel like sharing some original shots, jump in at any point! Just start with day one and share a link to your post in the comments below. You can also share them on insta (follow me:jesseeb), just be sure to tag me and hashtag 365pics4u, so everyone can check them out! The shots should be your own, and can be anything that you think works with the category of the day. There are no wrong photos. I'll post my week of photos every Sunday. 

This week's photos:

Day 1: SELF PORTRAIT




Day 2: GREEN




Day 3: WET




Day 4: STONE




Day 5: WANDER




Day 6: FRUIT




Day 7: STAR







Don't forget next weeks photos!

Day 8: DOOR
Day 9: KEEP OUT
Day 10: CLOVER
Day 11: DOCK
Day 12: FOG
Day 13: PATH
Day 14: EGG

Friday, March 11, 2016

Things I did as a kid that a modern day mom would lose her shit over

Every now and then (usually when I feel like drinking a TAB and locking my kids outside for a few hours) I think back to how much simpler it seemed when I was little. It just seemed like the worries and stresses were so much less, things were easier and parents didn't get all up in your junk for every little thing you did. Kids were allowed to be kids. Silly, crazy, energetic, curious little hooligans.



I wonder if every generation thinks they had it better, in some capacity. But crap guys, I might actually sound like my Nan when she used to scold us and say, "In my day..." Back then, I thought she was just old and cranky and lame. Sorry Nan.

Well anyway, in MY day,

We could go out to play after breakfast and come back when the street lights turned on. Jeez, when I was a little kid (I'm talking elementary school age), this was totally the norm, and we didn't have cell phones. We were not in constant contact with our parents. The rule was that we had to go home by the time either the church bell rang (6 pm), or when the street lights came on. So basically Mom had zero clue as to where we were all day. Usually she'd ask the mailman at some point if he had seen us, and he'd tell her where we were last spotted. We did have to stay in the neighborhood though. We'd be out in the woods, (with Swiss army knives no less) cutting shit to make forts and stuff. As I recall, we also attempted to crawl through the culverts to the other side of the street as often as we could. We never did make it the whole way... THAT'S SO DANGEROUS GUYS! In my wildest dreams I can't imagine not knowing where my kids are for an entire day. Or not flipping out if I found them scurrying like rats through a filthy, grimy underground culvert pipe, MOM.



I would ride my bike to the grocery store. Sometimes even alone. The grocery store in our town was a little less than a mile from where I lived. Often times Mom would ask one of us to ride our bike to the store for milk or paper towels or something. Nine times out of ten she would give us like $2 for $5 worth of stuff. It was always so embarrassing. But yeah, we'd pedal our little selves to the store WITH NO HELMET, park our bikes and go inside and attempt to buy 5 bucks worth of stuff with two dollars. 



We walked to the candy store by ourselves. The candy store was just about as far away as the grocery store, and we were totally allowed to walk there whenever we had scavenged enough money to get a baggie filled with goodies. I remember actually being shorter than the snowbanks, walking alone with a handful of change in my mitten. Oof, anything for penny candy. What was my mom thinking??



We would walk to school. God forbid. When I make my kids walk to school I am looked at as the mean mom. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Most kids have legs, so it really shouldn't be a hardship for kids to use them for all of 9/10 of a mile. My mom RARELY drove us to school. We had to walk. Every day. Rain or shine or snow (or lugging along a freaking heavy-assed tuba-like instrument). There were no parents dropping their kids off and picking them up after school. Kids were encouraged to actually walk or ride their bikes and get exercise and breathe fresh air. Go figure.



We rolled down grassy hills and played in the woods (omg ticks). These days I have a mild panic attack if one of my kids rolls down a hill or plays around in the woods. Isn't that so sad?? We live in deer tick country, and I am super paranoid about Lyme Disease. It's a real issue around here. When we were kids, that threat was a non-issue. There were no moms frantically chasing after their kids trying to squirt them with DEET to avoid death by Lyme tick. I seriously find this to be really sad... it's like just playing and being a kid is so much harder these days. No wonder all of those little a-holes sit around on their cell phones all day. 



We played on merry-go-rounds. Oh jeez, there were merry-go-rounds everywhere when I was little. Who knew they were so dangerous?  All I knew was how awesome it felt to be twirling around in a cloud of dusty dirt til you almost threw up. We had one at the elementary school and one at the local playground and we would get those things going so fast... I remember my one skinny little sister would literally be hanging on for dear life with her legs flailing in the air. It was really funny. We had no clue someone could easily get really hurt on those things. I don't think my kids even know what a merry-go-round looks like.



We would ride in the back of pickup trucks. Doing this was the norm out in the country. If someone had a pickup truck, it was a guarantee that there would be people riding in the back of it, end of story. I can't imagine that none of us ever fell out because we were generally idiots, misbehaving and cheating death left and right. I actually rode through the entire state of Texas ON A HIGHWAY in the back of a pickup truck filled with blankets and pillows and teenagers. WTF, MOM?! I could be dead right now! I would never let one of my kids ride in the back of a pickup truck, what am I, a moron?


Our dad took us out driving well before it was legal. I seriously learned how to drive at like 12 or 13 years old. My dad or uncle would take us driving out in the country every now and then. My uncle in particular would pick up a forty (or three), and let us drive him around for hours. That's why I am such a great (and so modest too!) driver. A week or so ago my dad mentioned taking my 14 year old out to drive and I was like, THERE'S NO WAY!



We could go to the gate at the airport. Remember the days when you didn't have to wait 45 minutes to go through a security check line fumbling through your bag removing anything that could potentially be deemed as terroristic, with your shoes off? Remember when you could bring whatever you wanted on a plane, even a jack knife or an open container of mayonnaise?  Remember when you could meet your person at the gate, just like the movies... all exciting and amazing, waiting and waiting and waiting for the plane to just land. I miss that.



Everyone in the universe could blow smoke in your face. Back in the day, you could smoke anywhere, at any time, for however long you wanted. The days of everyone smelling like a god damn ash tray are over! Because now people give a crap about inhaling someone else's shitty, cancer causing, tar-filled second hand smoke. It makes me gleefully happy that I don't have to be forced to waft the smoke from my eyes when all I really want to do is chill with my friends, or watch a movie without hacking, or sit on an airplane breathing relatively decent air. I have to admit on my most recent flight, I wanted to secretly light a cigarette in the bathroom just to see what would happen. I'm such a rebel. A rebel without a cigarette.



We got some serious (and well deserved) bare hiney spankings. Oof. Kids these days have no idea of how scary it was when your Mom said, "Just wait til your Dad gets home!" Which actually meant, "Just wait til your Dad gets home and whips your ass, you little jerks!" When I grew up it was totally acceptable to get a bare hiney spanking for being a shitty little brat. When we would misbehave enough to get my Mom frazzled enough to utter those terrifying words, we would hustle upstairs and put on as many layers of underpants as we could fit on our butts, hoping that our Dad wouldn't notice the extra paddding when he smacked us good for being naughty. Apparently you're not really supposed to mention that you're not opposed to giving your kid a swat on the ass anymore as needed, or other parents will promptly report you to DSS for child abuse. There's a huge difference between abuse and a smack, in my opinion. 



Your safety was definitely over-rated back in those days. Seat belts, bike helmets, sunblock? What's that? Locking the door to your house, wouldn't think of it! Letting your kid walk home from school alone to an empty house? No big deal... and while you're at it, why don't you start the noodles for dinner? Going for a Sunday drive with the fam? Don't forget to grab Dad's six-pack! The more that I think about it, the more I am shocked so many of us actually survived.