11 totally awkward handshakes

Have you ever seen those youtube clips of funny or awkward handshakes?  The expressions on the people's faces are like this hilarious combination of utter embarrassment and like, intense shame.  One might wonder why I get such pleasure out of watching them. Probably because I feel awkward and uncomfortable in so many life situations, it's a little validating to see other people in the same boat.  Or maybe just because I'm a meanie.

Anyway, I've outlined 11 examples of cringe-worthy handshakes that I may or may not have encountered at some point in my life. 

1. The missed opportunity - ah, the one we all know so well.  Sometimes referred to as the "I was just fixing my hair," or the "I was just itching my face," handshake.  This is the shake where you go in for it, and the other person either doesn't notice your shake attempt or blows you off, so you instead turn your awkward outstretched hand into a hair pat or a face scratch.  Because, how embarrassing?

2. The "I'll see you later, wink-wink" handshake - this is one of those shakes that just feels creepy from the start.  Something weird was definitely going on there, you just can't put your finger on it, but you feel like you may have just been violated and your skin is crawling.

3. The "wanna arm wrestle?" aggressive handshake - a shake with pain potential, where you walk away feeling the bruises already forming and like a few phalanges could actually be fractured.  This person is out there to prove something, not quite sure what, but probably that he is strong like bull and has really big muscles. 

4. The "sweaty palmer" handshake - you know, that one where you shake someone's hand and feel moisture?  Immediately you imagine urine and germs and that the person was just in the bathroom.  Oh wait, that might be just me.  Imagining someone in the bathroom, as opposed to thinking that you just shook hands with a person who has naturally sweaty palms.  Either way, ugh.

5. The "let's hug it out, bitch" handshake - that person who shakes your hand then sort of yanks you into them in an awkward embrace.  Like they really wanted a hug instead of a shake in the first place.  Usually accompanied by miscellaneous back patting and the word "bro" being thrown around aggresively.

6. The "limpy limperson" handshake - this person needs a huge lesson on proper handshaking etiquette, because their hand is so limp and flaccid it just feels uncomfortable, and dirty.  Like maybe you just touched something inappropriate, or dead and smelly.  Like maybe you need to go wash your hands.

7. The fist bump fakeout - you go for a shake, they go for the fist bump, then it just gets uncomfortable because your palm just got fisted...

8. The "should we high five?" handshake -  this is very similar to the fist bump fakeout, but the confusion lies in whether or not you will be high-fiving each other or shaking hands.  One goes for the high-five, which slides into a low-five, then an awkward miscellaneous shake accompanied by uncomfortable laughter. 

9. The two-hander, super genuine shake - a shake so genuine in fact, the person needs to shake with two hands to show you how very genuine they are.  These are also referred to as the "sneaky politician" handshakes.

10. The lengthy lingerer - the one where you have to literally pull your hand away.  These are the worst because they are usually accompanied by a long meaningful eye contact.  I hate long meaningful eye contact.

11. The "secret handshake" handshake - this is the handshake that intends to just be normal, but then like, one person is not in on the secret.  You shake, you think everything is all fine and dandy, and the other person ends with like, a double gun finger or jazz hands.  Then you're left wondering, what the hell just happened?


Have you experienced any of these?

wristlets and Karma

Guess what GUYS, I lost my purse today! I hate purses, anyway. I prefer the ease of the pocket. Lately I have been carrying a wristlet around because I guess, well, because I got it for Christmas. For myself. What do you think of wristlets? I kind of like them because they just hang on your wrist without much effort and they don't take up a lot of unnecessary space. They just do their little job. I like products that aren't fussy and just do their job.

ANYway, I had put a few bags in the back of my truck and for some dumbass reason, I took my wristlet off (I'm going to keep saying wristlet), and I mindlessly put it on my bumper during the loading of the stuff. I guess I forgot and I drove away with it on the bumper! WTF! I realized it like 3 minutes after it happened, and I circled back around and retraced my steps, but it was already gone.

So then I was a little crazy. I had like, 2 credit cards with unlimited credit on them in there, along with my license and debit card and like, a few hundred bucks in cash!  I was like, greeeeaaaattt... I'll never get it back. So I ran in to a few stores nearby to see if anyone had turned it in (they didn't) and then I went back to my car and started making calls to cancel every damn thing.  Huge pain.  Not to mention the worry that some random had my home address, and the strong possibility of identity theft.

After I cancelled a few of the cards, I got a call from my bank saying the police called and had my little purse!  

I was like wooHOO!! My faith in humanity still exists! Someone out there is a really good person... I definitely think it's Karma because about two weeks ago, in that same exact parking lot, I found a credit card on the ground. I strongly considered just bringing it home and tossing it because it was really cold outside (it was!) and I didn't feel like walking all the way back in to the store to turn it in.  But I did! Because I am all nice like that.

And see??  What comes around goes around! 

46 things I have learned in these last 46 years or so

So I had a birthday recently.  Now that I am pretty old, I have gained a bunch of life experiences, and quite possibly a snitch of knowledge on a few things.  That's what happens when you get old. Old. OLD.  I'd be happy to share these wise lessons with you because that's what old people do, right? They impart their infinite wisdom on youngsters. 

I've learned that:

1. Travel is always worth it. Invest in experiences, not things. Experiences are infinitely more valuable than "stuff."

2. People will make time for you if you are important to them. And they won't if you're not.

3. The grass isn't always greener. Appreciate what you have.

4. Be kind, be generous, be thoughtful.

5. Some things just aren't meant to be. The sooner you accept that and move on, the better.

6. It's not really your business what other people think of you, unless they make it so.

7. There are no "grown-ups."

8. Be present. Actually living life is way more important than documenting it.

9. Life is too short to waste time with people that aren't nice to you.

10. It's really easy to become unorganized. 

11. Your kids grow up way too fast.

12. You really will get wrinkles if you don't wear sunscreen. Probably skin cancer too.

13. Write down funny things your kids say and do or you will forget them!

14. Plenty of guys appreciate a curvy girl, don't apologize for your curves.

15. Envy is a huge waste of time and energy.

16. Authenticity is everything.  Always be genuine.

17. There is only so much time... do what you love.

18. If it isn't beautiful, useful or something that gives you joy, get rid of it.

19. Nobody really needs 47 different black shirts cluttering up their closet.

20. Yoga pants really are pretty great.

21. Treat other people the way you expect them to treat you.

22. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what it's really like to walk in their shoes.

23. You are good enough.

24. A diet doesn't have to start on a Monday. Or in the morning.

25. Things change... your feelings, your thoughts, your friends - and it's okay.

26. Consume less, create more.

27. Trust yourself, follow your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it.

28. It's good to apologize when you are wrong.

29. Don't ask the question if you really aren't prepared to hear the answer.

30. Some people just weren't meant to wear high heels. Or short skirts.

31. Play with your kids before they don't want to play with you anymore.

32. You can get over sadness even if you think you can't, you're stronger than you know.

33. Napping is underrated. Does that make me sound old?

34. Read the book before you watch the movie.

35. Daylight savings time is stupid.

36. It's okay to travel alone, see a movie alone, go out to eat alone. Try it! Having time alone is healthy.

37. Nobody is really "normal."

38. Someone out there has it worse than you do.

39. My happiness is not your responsibility, and your happiness is not my responsibility.

40. Be brave. Try new things, have adventures!

41. It takes more energy to be hateful than to be kind.

42. It's ok to let your kids fail. Always saving the day isn't doing them any favors.

43. It's nice to be taken care of once in a while, or a lot.

44. Being on time shows other people that you care about and value their time.

45. Be honest, or be quiet.

and last but certainly not least,

46. It's better to be weird than fake.

an all inclusive list of 15 TYPES of selfies that people take

Ah, the selfie - or, the self portrait.  There seem to be no limits to when and where selfies are taken these days. Every social media site is exploding with millions of them.  In fact, as of this summer, "selfie" is an actual word in the dictionary.  Did you know that?   

Taking a picture of yourself is a way of trying to understand how people see you, who you are and what you look like.  Most people see selfies as a form of narcissism, yet everyone seems to do it.  I do it.  On those sites like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, selfies are totally the norm.  You see photo ops happening everywhere.  I'd like to think there's a time and place for selfies... but oh wait, no.  No, there isn't.  Apparently funerals, bathroom stalls, elevators, driving on the highway, next to a rattlesnake, falling off of a mountain - they are all considered appropriate.  I do not take selfies at funerals, while going to the bathroom or while driving.  I'm far too chicken to take a selfie next to a rattlesnake or other wild dangerous animal because, really? Just wanted to point that out.  And I'm pretty sure I have yet to take a selfie in an elevator but I did take a picture in an elevator recently, but that was only because the elevator wall had a cool thing on it.  I was not actually in that elevator picture. 

The thing is, those sites aren't about reality - they are a well thought-out fantasy, an emphasis on our lives that show off perfected versions of ourselves that we want people to remember, that we want to put out there in a space where others can browse through them with admiration and envy. That's why most of the photos are lovely and entertaining and not showing the sucky moments in between those perfect slices of life that are being put out there for all the world to see.  Because let's face it, nobody wants to see sucky moments.  
So I've put together a little list of the various types of selfies that people seem to take because lists! and also you know I'm all giving like that.  

The "candid" selfie -  The one where a friend takes a picture of you posing to look like you aren't posing.  But we all know that you are really posing.

The dressing room selfie -  Because you need that validation from all of your friends that your ass looks great in those booty shorts.

The Starbucks coffee selfie - So everyone knows you can afford the expensive coffee!

The half selfie - Because you had an unpleasant zit on that other cheek...  oh we know...

The post workout, I'm super fit, selfie -  Sweaty gym selfie so everyone know's you are fit AF.  

The I'm beautiful AND deep selfie - A perfect selfie with a meaningful quote from a quote generator, not an actual book that you actually read.

The dirty mirror selfie - I just have to show you how on fleek my eyebrows look today, but don't mind the filthy mirror that I can't get around to cleaning?

The dirty bedroom selfie - I'm hot, and also a slob...  A hot slob, if you will.

The toilet selfie - Because you looked really good that time you were on the toilet for a while? Come on, that's gross. Nobody cares.  I promise.  

The OMG I just saw a celebrity selfie - OK I would probably take a celebrity selfie if I had guts. Because if I stumbled across Mark Ruffalo and he smiled at me with that cutie little face, and stood near me and maybe even put his arm around me for the pic like nice celebrities do, I'd want/need to document the shit out of it.

The duck face selfie - The selfie in which your lips look like a duck's face.  Can't we all get over this one already??  It is super played out. 

The mocking duck face selfie - The one where you take a duck face selfie just to show everyone that you know you are making a duck face, but you don't actually mean it, you're only doing it to make fun of other duck face people. Riiiighhht...

The fake sleeping selfie - These just crack me up.  I imagine you closing your eyes and holding the camera at just the right angle so you can try to capture how you look really cute while you sleep and you also just so happen to be in your bunny PJ's snuggling your teddy bear like only a cute person would.  Or something.  

The crying selfie - Because you were so sad you wanted to take a picture of it to document your sadness for all of the world to see and comment on?

The I'm so dangerous selfie - The kind of selfie you take when you are on the edge of a cliff or like, next to a raging buffalo.  So everyone knows you aren't scared.  Of cliffs.  And 2000 pound raging, snorting animals with sharp mean horns and a good reason to want to pummel you.

Am I missing any??

was jake ryan actually a jerk?

So I'm going to go out on a limb and just say it: I thought Jake Ryan was the hottest guy ever.  Like, I really thought that if I tried hard enough, I could meet Jake Ryan and get him to kiss me (also, John Kennedy Jr, but that boat has sailed).  I figured once we made out, it would be love at first smooch and we'd live happily ever after.

Let's be real, Jake Ryan was every 80's girl's fantasy guy.

But, was he really a jerk?

Now that I can look back with some perspective, the perspective of an old person who has been in real relationships with real guys, I'm distressed to say that I think he could have been.

I know, right??

First of all, if you've lived under a rock for a really, really long time, or fine, you never watch (the all-time coolest) movies from the greatest decade ever, fondly referred to as the 80's, you might not know who Jake Ryan even is.  Shocking turn of events, I know, but I feel like I have to explain, to the people who never watched Sixteen Candles.  Really??  You never watched Sixteen Candles, the iconic John Hughes film??  How, even?  I'm officially ashamed.

Jake Ryan's name is actually Michael Schoeffling.  I knew that without looking it up, not even kidding.  Jake Ryan was the love interest in the movie Sixteen Candles, he was a senior. He was this adorable, attractive, completely popular guy, who was Abercrombie & Fitch-esque before A & F was even a thing.  He wore plaid flannel shirts, cargo pants, sweater vests and Levis like he was born in them.  No guy has rocked the sweater vest quite the same since.  He had a sweet, slightly shy grin. Also, he had great hair.  He didn't have a cheesy mullet or feathered Sean Cassidy hair, just a good head of thick, dark hair in a cool and timeless style.  Admittedly, he did wear very short shorts with tube socks, but we can't be winners all the time, right?  In Jake Ryan's defense, it was the style at the time.

Now that we are all on the same page, and we all know who Jake Ryan is, the question of whether or not he was actually a jerk begs to be asked.  So, was he? 

First of all, Jake Ryan had to have been rich, being that he was driving a Porsche.  He also had a house with a wine cellar in it.  A private wine cellar reeks of wealth, lets be real.  At the end of the day, rich, Porsche driving teenage guys with wine cellars are almost always a douchebag.  

Secondly, it's pretty convenient that Jake Ryan suddenly seemed interested in poor, quirky Sam Baker when she said that she wanted to lose her virginity to him.  Interesting Jake... very interesting. Why didn't he notice her before he thought he could get into her pants?

Third, when you really think about it, when he calls to leave a message for Sam and her grandparents answer the phone, he turns on the sickly sweet, super polite charm.  It's lovely to have manners, but you're not fooling anyone, we can all spot a suck up, Jake Ryan.

And last, but certainly not least, Jake Ryan was checking out Sam while he was going out with another girl.  Not cool Jake Ryan, not cool.

On the flip side, Jake Ryan did get Sam's underpants back from the dorks without being creepy about it, and he picked her up in his Porsche gave her a birthday cake and kissed her on her birthday... and, well, he is Jake Ryan. 

What do you think??  I think it's time for you to watch Sixteen Candles. Just a heads up, if you watch the uncensored version, don't watch with your kids.  I learned the hard way. I completely forgot that there is a straight up naked scene of Jake Ryan's hot cheerleader girlfriend in the shower.  My kid's eyeballs almost popped out of her head before I got the chance to frantically fumble with the remote control and turn it off.

Anyway, watch it and chime in.  What's your opinion?  Was Jake Ryan really a jerk?

welcome to my brain.

Sometimes a lot of weird stuff gently floats along in my brain. Usually I keep those random thoughts and observations to myself because I like to keep up the illusion that I'm kind of normal, but I am feeling a little filterless today.

So, 

Don't you think it would be awesome if someone started a line of opposite products?  Like you know how they have SmartWater?  Someone should make DumbWater.  I think it could be really a big seller.  Or instead of North Face, they could have South Face.  Or like Jessica Alba has a line of organic and healthy products from the Honest Co, I think someone should make the Liars Co.  They could sell shitty stuff with MSG and red dye in them.

Receptionists should probably actually be called Deceptionists, because they often have to lie and say that their boss isn't available when they really are, but they just don't want to talk to you because you're boring. Or something like that.

Are Bert and Ernie really gay?  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

What's the opposite of FML?

You know how apparently people are using the eggplant emoji in reference to a guy's size in the pants?  If that's the case, don't you think that they should have a baby carrot emoji for the guys that are unfortunately less endowed?

I think most call centers should start their recordings with "Press One for Stupid."  Things might be a little more streamlined if you just admitted it in the beginning.

I always thought you could grow your nose holes, but apparently you can't! I think they stay the same forever.  Ears too!

Did you know that "Netflix and chill" is apparently the new(ish) code for "hookup?" So if you asked your kid what he and his girlfriend did last night and he says, "Oh, we just watched Netflix and chilled," you should probably buy him a box of condoms.

Just think about it. Then, slowly step away from your devices.

I was recently out to dinner in a kind of casual spot, and I was seated across from a young couple with a baby, probably somewhere between 1 and 2 years old. I try not to judge, but man, I couldn't tear my eyes away from this family.  Both parents were on their cell phones, no joke, the entire time they were seated. They weren't talking on their phones, but scrolling through social media.  They propped an iPad in front of the baby with a cartoon on, and he just kind of sat there, watching the cartoon.

I try not to judge but it was pretty much directly in front of my face, so I couldn't not see it, and I do have an opinion on it.  I figure, why not share it and see what you all think.

So this might be the time we live in, but I felt pretty sad for that family. Nobody talked, nobody interacted... every now and then someone would reach over and readjust the ipad for the baby. I feel like I sound like an old person, but I just don't understand this. I tried to see the justification of popping the baby in front of a video, maybe they wanted to enjoy a meal out together and didn't have a babysitter.  Maybe the baby freaks out and the TV calms him... maybe they were wiped out and just wanted peace and quiet and food.

I think that this lack of actual human interaction is going to create a problem in the future. Looking at this situation in particular, what was so glaring to me was that there was so little real life actually happening. There was no talking about what to order for dinner, no chatting about how their day was, no knowing glances between two partners, no commiserating over a cranky baby at the table. These missing things are all things that make us human. 

Kids learn by example, and even though he was a little guy, he was still learning and assessing and processing the environment around him. From what I saw in that tiny chunk of time, the opportunity for several small lessons were lost. When a kid goes out to dinner with his parents, he learns how to behave in public, he learns how to properly use utensils, he learns how to interact in a different environment, he learns how to use an inside voice, how to entertain himself, manners, how to wait patiently. He also learns by example how his parents treat each other, how they treat the waiter, how they communicate.  

Clearly there are plenty of other opportunities for these little lessons to be learned, but it makes you wonder what lessons were lost. Some things that he probably did subconsciously learn from that outing were that perhaps his parents are often distracted, that he can't behave without having a TV to watch, that it's normal to not communicate verbally.  Little kids learn about their world largely through face-to-face interactions, vocalizations and touching with parents. They also develop language skills this way. What are the developmental implications if kids do not get this?  Of course this was an isolated incident, who knows what life is like at home for that little family. I'd like to think there is a lot more interaction...

Children who constantly see their parents distracted by technology at the dinner table must feel neglected, insecure or not worthy of their parents time. They’re absolutely going to miss a lot of the benefits of eating meals together as a family. I really believe that kids have to have emotional, physical, and verbal presence of a loving caretaker.

At the very least, if parents "unplug" during meals, it will set a positive example for children, since it will just be a matter of time before these kids have their own devices to be distracted by.

a conversation that may or may not have happened

A possible conversation between me and my husband:

him:  I called you like five times!  Why didn't you answer?

me: I may or may not have been in the shower.

him:  Jessee, it's 1:45 in the afternoon.

me:  Don't judge me!  I was very busy with a lot of important things!

him:  Well what were you doing all day?

me:  Well. I may or may not have been simultaneously watching Vampire Diaries while playing words and pinning shit to that asshole pinterest.

him:  Pinterest again?

me:  It's such a time suck!  All I know is that I was happily drinking my coffee and reading the news. Then I clicked over to pinterest to just look at one little thing, and all of a sudden I looked at the clock and it was 1:45!  It was like I was sucked into a black hole of inspiration!

him: Hm.

me:  I did other stuff too!

him:  Did you make those appointments?

me:  I may or may not have.

him:  Did you book our trip?

me:  Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.

him:  Did you at least pick up that thing I asked you to get?

me:  What the actual fuck hon.  I can't do everything!

him:  Maybe I'll turn off the wifi.

me:  Maybe I'll karate chop your face.  

him:  Hm.  Maybe I'll rethink turning off the wifi.

me:  Then maybe I will book the trip and make the calls and pick up the thing.

him:  Fine.  

me:  Damn.  Who knew I was so good at communication and compromise?  Aren't you glad we had this little chat?

him:  ::sigh::

12 random pics from my iphone

You know, I'm not so narcissistic to think that anyone really cares about the pics I have on my cellphone.  Since I have approximately one blog reader (me), I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the (one) reader would totally be OK with looking at my random pics. In case someone else happens to stumble upon this blog, I will explain what you are looking at, mostly because I am really nice sometimes.

My son just got this tattoo, each letter represents the first initial of his and his siblings names.

I took this picture inside the car wash. I liked the way the colors dripped together.

This is me getting a silly kiss from my husband.

This is what I sometimes see when I first open my eyes in the morning.  My dog's nose, inches from my face.

Weirdo selfies that Brooke takes when she snags my phone.

I love to take pics of my kids sleeping. This was particularly cute to me because B had a furry mask on her face.

I loved the light on the ball at Epcot. I think it came out pretty good for an iPhone pic.

Just a cute shot of Brooke meeting Chewbaca, her favorite Star Wars character.

I made these cupcakes for a Superbowl party we went to. In case you were wondering, I was betting on Denver...

I like messing around with these magnet word things.

My brother in law Ty showing everyone his "tattoo."

3 of my 4 cute kids. 

valentine-ish and love-ish stuff, ew gross

In honor of Valentine's Day, I decided to write a list of some of the reasons that I am lucky/grateful/happy to have my husband. 

1.  He always sits in the middle so I can sit on the edge.

2.  He does any chore - not just the "guy" chores.  He'll do laundry or dishes or whatever needs doing.  He loses his shit a little bit at the grocery store, but he's getting better at it and he'll go if I ask him to.

3.  He carries my bags.  All of them.  Always.

4.  He defers to my TV and movie choices, even if they're girly.

5.  He never yells (at me or in general) or calls me names, and he won't fight with me.

6.  He gets the kids up in the morning and brings them to school.

7.  He works really hard every day.

8.  He's affectionate and loving, and always tells me I look nice.

9.  He accepts me as I am - wrinkles, weight, scraggly hair, random cranky mood, whatever... he never ever says anything that makes me feel bad about myself.

10.  He never tries to control me. He knows when I need space, and he gives it to me.

11.  He brings me fresh flowers every few weeks, for no reason.

12.  If he asks me, "What's for dinner?" and I say, "Take out?"  He always answers, "That's exactly what I was thinking!"

13.  He makes me tea, and he knows just how I like it.

14.  He never gives me a hard time about spending money, he's not all tight with a buck. He doesn't care what I buy.

15.  He's really smart.  He can fix pretty much anything.  And if he can't, it bugs him, so he'll figure it out and he'll do it right.

16.  He is really close friends with my sisters and their husbands, and we always have a good time when we are all together, no matter what we do.

17. If I cry, he tries to make me feel better.

18.  He gives (and sometimes makes) super thoughtful gifts.

19.  He makes the best grilled cheese.

20.  He always gives me the last bite.

21.  Even though he is super busy at work, he always tries really hard to make it to the kids events and things.  He's a really good dad.

22. He always cleans up the vomit - all of it - kids, mine, dog... he's the best vomit cleaner-upper I know.

23. He's not the type to check out other women in my presence.  He's really respectful.

24. He leaves me little notes with stick figure guys on them.

25. He makes me laugh, pretty much every day. He's a funny guy.

I think one of the best things about Alex though, is that he tries to understand me, and that's really important to me.

lyrics SADMAD

I love music.  I listen to music every single day. Every day. I'm one of those people who listens to and thinks about and feels the lyrics, too. It's very rarely mindless listening, for me. If I am in a sad mood, I really have to put on a happy freaking playlist or I'll just like, fold into myself, just getting sadder and sadder. If I'm driving along in a regular mood and a certain tune comes on before I have a chance to think about it, I can immediately get emotional, happy, sad, angry, nostalgic... music is a very powerful thing for me.

I think every now and then I'll post the lyrics (and maybe a video) of a song that make me feel something. This song just came up in a playlist of mine (Oh hey, I'm on Spotify: jesseeb, if you want to check out any of my playlists), and it's one that makes me sadmad. That is an emotion, GUYS.  What song makes you sadmad whenever you hear it?

Separate Ways

-Teddy Thompson

Come rolling into town
Unaware of the power that you have over me
And what am I to do with, 'Hello, how are you'?
Nothing's ever said that should be

And I don't care about you
If you don't care about me
We can go our separate ways
If you want to

The ties of love are strong
But they can be undone
And we'll go our separate ways
If you want to

I'm turning into me, not you
I can change my mind not my blood
And not all who love are blind
Some of us are just too kind
We forgive too much and never speak our minds

And I don't care about you
If you don't care about me
We can go our separate ways
If you want to

The ties of love are strong
But they can be undone
And we'll go our separate ways
If you want to

I'm giving up on you
And I'll turn my heart to something new
And we'll go our separate ways
If you want to

I stood out in the rain, holding my breath
Waiting for you, you never came
You broke my heart, you broke my heart
I know who's to blame, you're to blame

And I don't care about you
If you don't care about me
We can go our separate ways
If you want to

The ties of love are strong
But they can be undone
And we'll go our separate ways
If you want to

A frank discussion which resulted in absolutely nothing

The other night I was sitting on my end of the comfy couch trying to have a frank discussion with my husband about his mother effing snoring.

Incidentally, don't you think "frank" is a funny word to use in a sentence like that?  I do.  That's why I used it.

So anyway the conversation went something like this:

Me: "We're about to have a frank discussion about the mother fucking snoring situation."

Him, distractedly and not the least bit scared: "Can we do it after Alaskan Frontier?"

Me: "NO! It's getting close to the time when we go up to bed and every single night you've been snoring in my face!"

Him, turning towards me: "You're really eating that cheese aggressively."

Me: "Well! Aren't you sick of me stabbing your calf with my dagger-like sharp toenail? Getting poked in the eyeball? A knee in the back? A miscellaneous hair pull?"

Him: "Is that why I have so many unexplained bruises on the back of my leg? I was wondering about that."

Me: "I'd like to think I've been very kind about your illness so far, but its literally been since THANKSGIVING! It's time to take your balls off the mantle and stop milking this ::air quote:: "asthma" condition you are plagued with, ALEX. Some people need to sleep."

Him: "You called me Alex.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you are a little angry."

Me: "You knew that was one of my top five deal breakers when we got married!"

Him, calmly, as usual: "But I cant help it. It's out of my control." 

Me: "Just because you have ::air quotes again:: "shitty lungs" doesn't mean I should suffer every night for all of the god damn live long day!"

Him: Silently glancing between me and Alaskan Frontier. Clearly not taking me seriously.

Me: "Well I'm asking the painter to paint your brand new bedroom a more masculine color."

Him: "That's not very nice. It's kind of chilly in there with nobody to snuggle."

Me: "Well, pull your shit together ALEX, or you're OUT."

Him, turning back towards Alaskan Frontier: "Hey do you want a devil dog?"

Me: "Does a bear poop?"

Him, getting up: "You know it."

And then we ate a Devil Dog and went to bed. And he snored in my face til 3:00 am.

6 legit excuses for being a shitty tooth fairy

What constitutes a shitty Tooth Fairy, you ask? I think it's pretty self explanatory. Just so you know I'm not here to judge shitty fairies, I'm here to help shitty fairies.  Because I've been there several times once, and it's no fun. See how nice I am, using my parenting fails to help others? You can thank me later.

ANYway, us fairies aren't as perfect as we look. We forget things sometimes.  We're busy making sure we have enough fairy dust and that we didn't forget our god damned wands! But jeez, it does suck when you forget about leaving your kid a little prize under their pillow, mostly because they're just so excited about it. Have you been on the receiving end of the look of complete disappointment from your toothless kid?  I have.

In case you ever find yourself in such a crappy parenting predicament, feel free to refer back to this helpful post. Us fairies need to stick together, you know?

First and foremost, don't panic.  You have to be quick on your feet to salvage this situation. Use one of these previously tested and fail proof excuses:

1.  She saw you starting to wake up, and she didn't want you to see her. This is very plausible.  Everybody knows that you aren't supposed to actually see the magical fairies and bunnies and elves doing their business. Huh. That makes it sound like they were in the bathroom, doesn't it?

2.  She couldn't find the tooth. The old "turn it around on you" tactic often works.  You tell her that the tooth fairy must not have been able to find it because it may have been too deep under her pillow. Tell her that standard tooth fairy protocol when those things happen, is to just comes back the next night, because she really doesn't have a ton of time to look for it.  There are other kids with teeth under their pillow you know.

3. She hurt her wing.  Even fairies get sick days.  You could say that you saw it on the news. 

4. Blame the weather.  It was too hot, too cold or too windy for her to come out, weather conditions can be dangerous to fairies. There are rules for hazardous flying conditions.

5. Remind her that she wasn't behaving. This is a little mean, but you can kill two birds with one stone if your kid is prone to giving you a hard time when it's time for bed. Just like Santa's elves know when you've been naughty, the Tooth Fairy just knows.

6. The dog (or cat or bird...you get the idea) scared her.  This is also very plausible if you have a pet.  You could remind her that your dog often growls at people he isn't expecting, and she must have startled him.

A few times once when I forgot about the Tooth Fairy, I helped my daughter look around her bedroom for her missing prize, just in case it fell off the bed during the night. When I magically "found it" on the floor on the side of her bed, I totally saved the day. I went from being a Tooth Fairy Jerk to a god damned hero. Definitely try this, it totally works.

Also, if your child has an older sibling who is past the point of believing, you could always sneakily give them the prize, and have them come in to say that the Tooth Fairy must have left it in the wrong room by mistake. Boom. You just saved the day again.

With whatever excuse you use, you should also probably sit down and help your kid write a reminder note to the tooth fairy, because it really can be a huge disappointment for your kiddo and it might make them feel better.  You could have them put it under their pillow with the tooth.  And then you should promptly set an alarm on your phone to freaking remember to leave your kid a dollar, Tooth Fairy Jerk.

ps - Also, relax. Remember that you're not a bad parent.  None of us are perfect, cut yourself some slack, mama.