the nicest laughs, yawning and bohemian rhapsody

Some people have the nicest laughs.  Like, they could probably be professional laughers.  They'd get jobs where they were strategically placed in comedy clubs or movies just so they could laugh appropriately and get other people to join in.  Their laughs are the kind that just compel you to join in.  You have no control over it.  It's catching.  Like a yawn!

I read this article that said if you don't yawn when someone else yawns at you, it's indicative that you are a psychopath.  Hm.  That made me yawn at my entire family, you know, just in case.  Because nobody wants a knife in the back while they are fast asleep, right? Thankfully, they all passed with flying colors!  Then we all went to take a nap.  Ha ha, no, we didn't take a nap. But really, they all yawned so they are all sane.  Kind of.  For the most part.  I strongly suggest you yawn at your entire family too.  It could really be revealing.

Imagine if your laugh was catching like a yawn, but nobody laughed too.  That could also indicate something.  Maybe it would indicate that you are laughing at something really stupid and unworthy of an actual chuckle, dumbass.

Personally, I think it's indicative of a person's compatibility if they don't sing along when Bohemian Rhapsody comes on the radio.  Because who wouldn't sing along??  And also, the person gets bonus points for singing that one part with gusto,  you know the part I mean.  If I was driving along on a date with someone and Bohemian Rhapsody came on and they didn't at least hum, deal breaker.

Anyway, I always hated my laugh.  I'm not sure if it is a good laugh, or an annoying one.  I know a person who's entire face gets involved when he laughs.  Like, eyes crinkled, nose scrunched up - all of it.  It's awesome.

One time I was literally over 1000 miles away from home when out of the corner of my ear, I recognized the most distinctively obnoxious laugh, the laugh of a bus driver from my high school.  I mean, clearly it had to be distinctive if I remembered it 20 years out of high school, right?  I immediately turned to find the source and wouldn't you know, it was the person that I thought it was!  Who knew?

I'm not really sure how to wrap up this post neatly at this point, so I'll just sneak out, the Irish goodbye, if you will...

bacon?

I’ve always found bacon to be a welcome addition to salads, haven’t you? 

It tends to make them feel less like an entire field of grass that I have to chew through because health, and more like a delicious, exciting and indulgent plate of fun! 

I also think olives, avocado and goat cheese are welcome additions.

Speaking of salad, the other day, basically everyone in my family was making these little 10 question quizzes (via some app that I cant remember the name of, sorry).  The quizzes were to see who knows you the best.  So one of the questions on my quiz was what my favorite food was. (nobody got it right)

So you know, I really thought about that!!  I mean, there is a ton of amazing food out there, but like, salad is so versatile.  You can have a taco salad (oh, mmm).  That is a real salad!  Also, tuna salad, chicken salad (so love), Greek salad, regular salad, fruit salad... really, the possibilities are endless!  So my answer was salad.

Everyone had a fit and said that it wasn't my favorite food and that it was a trick question and a big and loud discussion over it happened at the restaurant where we were eating breakfast/lunch. Speaking of favorite foods, the restaurant we were at has the most amazing pancakes I have ever eaten.  No joke. If you're ever in Madison, CT, go to Cristy's.  You wont be sorry and you will probably even write me a thank you note.  If you need my address for the note, I will gladly provide it.

They all decided Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite food.  And that's not even a food!  It's a combination of food on a plate!  Besides, they're not the boss of me!!

So I stand by my answer.  I love salad.  

However, I also do love Thanksgiving dinner... and chocolate mousse.  And filet mignon.  Sushi is pretty great.  Calamari, mmm. I could have an avocado every day for the rest of my life.  And lobster! Sheesh. 

How is one supposed to pick one favorite food anyway??

friday five: climate changes, shopping, and chocolate wieners

Friday Five reminder:  Basically, a Friday Five post should be a super easy post. Just set the timer and free write for five minutes, whatever is on your mind, without trying to censor or think too hard. Usually once you start it's easy, and you don't have to think about it at all. 

That's kind of my goal - just five minutes of free writing.  Nothing Fancy, nothing planned, nothing needing to be humorous, or inspiring or anything for others - just for you.  If you feel like sharing, feel free to pop a link in the comments.


Set your timer!

11:01 am
So I can't believe it is already Friday, and I really can't believe Christmas is next week. It's been so hard to feel Christmassy this year! Mostly because as a New Yorker, I'm used to cold weather and/or snow right about now.  We've been in the middle of a weird warmish winter... It actually feels way more like early fall - I have literally been going out in a sweater.  Nobody is complaining about me forcing them to wear a hat and mittens. In fact, the hats and mittens are still somewhat packed away. It feels kind of like Northern California weather. I wonder if this is the beginning of a new thing. I hope not... I kind of enjoy cold and snow. One huge plus is that my gas bill is like, significantly lower - like by half.  That's pretty huge. 

Anyway, it's going to start getting busy around here. My husband asked me if I wanted to go to the mall and I almost laughed in his face because I would not go to the mall the weekend before Christmas if you paid me. People are crazy. Hm. On the other hand, I do enjoy a people watching session, and what could be a better opportunity? Maybe I will go to the mall.  I don't need to buy anything else though, and chances are, I will buy stuff if I am there because, Christmas! 

On another note, I hate candy canes and I wonder if that is weird.  I never buy candy canes.  And while we are on the subject of candy, what's the deal with the peanut butter cup trees?  Apparently they look a little like penises (penii? what's the plural of penis anyway?) or something.  Well that's dumb.  Who really cares?  It's a peanut butter cup tree!  The perfect ratio of peanut butter to chocolate!  Like a God damned Christmas miracle! Who cares if it looks a little wiener-like.  I'm still getting one, and I will eat it with gusto no matter what it looks like.  And also, don't you think there are other, more important things to get all fired up about?

Time's up! 11:06 am

Last minute Christmas gift ideas for the procrastinator

OK, first, really??  You've waited this long to get your person a gift or two?

Since you are such procrastinators, be prepared to spend a little bit on expedited shipping if you do online ordering.  Consider it your punishment for being such a slowpoke.

I have compiled a little list to help you find some cool last minute gifts that will definitely make you look like a super thoughtful rock star, because I have a lot of Christmas cheer and I like to help my fellow gift-givers.  Fist bump! Also, if you order by Monday night, you should be able to get these by Christmas Eve.

For Men:

1. The Man Crate.  This site has the coolest unique gifts for guys!  

There are so many options: eating, drinking, grilling, personalized, sports... there is definitely a crate for every guy.  The prices range by crate for pretty much every budget, from less than $30 to over $100. Plus they come in a crate!  With a crowbar!  How awesome is that??


2.  The Craft Beer of the Month Club.  For $39 bucks a month (free shipping!) you can get your guy a subscription.  Each shipment includes a dozen beers.  You can choose monthly, every other month, or quarterly shipments.  Craft beer is all the rage right now, you'll be super cool giving this gift.  And you barely have to wrap!

3. Bose Bluetooth Speaker.  For less than $100, you can get this easy to use compact speaker.  It comes in a couple of different colors if you don't think mint would be his thing (I love it!), and if you get it from Best Buy, they have free two day shipping.  Not a bad deal! 

For Women:

1. See #3 above.  Because what female doesn't like a good mint-colored sound system for their tunes?

2. Spa in a Bag.  So this is nice... I want this.  It comes with body butter, sea salts, body scrub and lip balm.  In a really cute canvas bag, even.  It will definitely make someone feel pampered.  Not bad for about $60.



3. A Gift that Gives Back.  A That's Caring gift is so awesome.  For under $50, you can give your friend a gift box that includes cheese, crackers, and wine.  The beauty of this gift is that it provides a needy child with a weekend food bag, and depending on which ONEHOPE wine you choose, it also helps children with autism, cancer or food.  There are several different kinds of gift box options if wine and cheese isn't quite right.  Besides wine and cheese, there are also bakery and confections boxes to choose from.  Yum! Check it out!



4.  A Mini EcoSphere.  OK, I bought one of these and it is seriously cool.  You can get it on Amazon pretty quickly for around $50.  Each EcoSphere is it's own completely enclosed mini world.  They contain marine shrimp, algae and micro-organisms, which make it self sustaining.  Such a neat, living thing to put on display, available in a few different sizes and shapes.  Bonus:  you don't have to do anything to keep it alive!

  

For Kids:

1. A Dino Pet Micro Aquarium.  Another super cool live gift found within a dinosaur-shaped micro-aquarium.  Not quite a toy, but more like a piece of living art. It is a little bit more hands on, as you do need to fill it with water.  Kids will also love that it glows in the dark.  You can order this on Amazon for around $60.



2. Pie Face.  This game is apparently all the rage, and if you can score one, you'll be a hero.  At $13, it's pretty cheap (and funny) entertainment.  Kids think this game is hilarious because at any moment, you could get a splat of whipped cream (not included) in the face.  Who doesn't want to watch that??


3. On the subject of hilarious, Jelly Belly BeanBoozled is completely awesome/awful.  It's a game and candy all in one!  You spin a spinner and have to eat the jelly bean that your spinner lands on. The hitch is, you don't know if you're going to get a disgusting flavor or a normal flavor.  Some flavor examples are: booger, stinky socks or skunk spray.  They have also mixed normal yummy flavors in there so grown-ups who dare to play have an actual chance of not vomiting.  For as little as $20 at Amazon, you could be the party maker!



OK, so I hope this was somewhat helpful to all of you last minute shoppers! Now get your credit card out and do some shopping!!  Be sure to let me know in the comments if your gifts were hits or misses.  Good luck!

The time I vaguely felt like Neal Page from Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I hate shopping.

I really do.  And by shopping, I mean shopping in person of course.  I mean, nobody hates shopping from the comfort of their cozy couch, right?  Who could hate that?  Who could hate getting deliveries on your front porch of boxes filled with new and shiny things?  Nobody, that's who.

So I had to go shopping in real life.  Which means I had to put on a bra and pants, god damn it.  

I also had to put makeup on, because I don't want to look like a gross wrinkle who now has a beard stain on my face. (I'll tell you about the beard stain another day, probably)  I had to make my hair look passable, which is becoming a challenge lately, let me tell you.

After all of that freaking exhausting preparation,  I had to drive to the mall.  And circle the freaking mall parking lot for a parking spot, two weeks before Christmas.  Who wants to do that on purpose??  Apparently a lot more people than I had hoped...

I am not the kind of person who needs to get the closest spot in the parking lot to feel like I have scored.  I mean, I'd love the closest spot, obviously, because who wouldn't.  But I actually kind of like parking far away.  I like walking.  Especially if I am not the carrier of the bags.  Having a really far away parking spot didn't annoy me, though I can't say the same about the circling part.  I was in a pretty fine mood, considering all of the shopping prep that just took place.

I had to go to the mall because I was overcharged on two things that I had recently bought that were on sale and you know, I would have just sucked it up, but I was annoyed!!  Why advertise a great sale if you don't honor it!  It was a BOGO that saved me over 80 bucks!  I love saving 80 bucks!

The situation was slightly confusing because I only had an email receipt, and there were a lot of things on that receipt, so I decided to go talk to a person in customer service.  It seemed easier to explain everything to a real face.  

So after getting myself presentable, driving to the freaking mall, and then circling the insane parking lot for an actual spot, I got to the store and went to where customer service used to be.

And it wasn't there.

So, no big deal, things change.  Customer service desks can change and move, I can roll with it.  So I went to the store map because I am smart like that, but I couldn't find the spot for Customer Service.  So hm.  I figured fine, I will just go ask a person at a register if they could help me.

Being that it is two weeks before Christmas and that the parking lot was basically full, I assumed there would be a few lines.  So yes, I did assume correctly.  There were lines.  At every register.  I picked the least lengthy looking one and waited my turn.

When it was finally my turn, I explained my problem to the moron checkout person.  She told me that I should go to a different department. So grr, fine.  Like the cool cucumber I am, I once again rolled with it and made my way to the department she told me to go to.  Where I once again waited on a dumbass line, which brought me to another equally moronic checkout person, who promptly told me that I needed to go to a different department.  OK. So double grr.  I was inwardly like, really dumbass, isn't this your job??? But I dug deep for some Christmas fucking cheer, slapped a smile on my face and went to the department he directed me to, because Christmas! (keep in mind this is now the 4th place I visited)

You have to know how this ended.  I got to the other department, waited for a few moments while the lady yapped with her co-workers about non-work related things, then finally she gave me her attention. I vaguely felt like I was in Planes Trains and Automobiles where I was Neal Page and I had finally reached the desk and the lady with big hair yapped on the phone and said gobble gobble.  Remember that part?  When the lady finally decided to give me her attention, she told me that they don't have a customer service department anymore, and that I should go back to the department that I just came from because they know more about the merchandise than she does.  Then I wanted to act like Neal Page and say, "I want a fucking car, right fucking now."  Except instead of a car I just wanted a person who actually knew what they were doing.

REALLY???   

That was the point that I stamped away angrily.  I literally made my way around four floors to wait on four lines to talk to four different people who were each equally clueless.  I could have easily lost my mind.  But instead I stamped away all sweaty-faced and frizzy-haired (from being sweaty). I decided to say fuck it and write a mean tweet.  And I don't even tweet. I couldn't even find a customer service phone number on their credit card that would direct me to someone who was actually with the store.  Who doesn't have a customer service department in their store???  Macy's that's who.  And I am writing a mean tweet.

The bad news is that I really can't boycott the store because I really love Macy's, and their sales are always so great.  Except of course, when they don't give you the sale price.

That was my most recent trip to the mall.  And you wonder why I hate going shopping?

elevating small talk to medium talk

What is the line that people cross from small talk to medium talk?  How does one know that the talk is no longer small?

This really is a good question for a conversation over thinker like myself.  On another somewhat non-related note, yesterday I said, "By all means!" with gusto to some stranger on line at the Post Office, and for the next 15 minutes that I waited on line, I went over that stupid little phrase and wondered what possessed it to come out of my mouth.

Because who really says, "By all means!" in real life, with gusto?  To a stranger in line.  Apparently I do.

I admit that at about 12:30 am, when I was laying in bed thinking about whatever I usually think about when I can't sleep, that dumb moment came to mind. Ugh.

So anyway, small talk.  Is it the content?  The amount of time spent talking?  How do we know??  What are the actual rules??

And while we are tackling this subject, is there a large talk?  A vente?  What's the cut off before it just becomes talk??

So, I'm sort of a germophobe

You know what my worst part about being sick is?

No, not the blowing of the nose.  That is definitely the second worst.  (I will admit to an unusual issue with nose blowing, but we can cover that in another post.)

Not the sleeping crappy, the tired eyes, the stuffy-ness.  Not even the pounding headaches and sneezing and sick belly stuff.  

My ultimate worst part of being sick is wondering who the hell infected me.  Seriously.  It's all consuming.  I can't stand the thought of the disgusting little sick germ that someone gave me.  Did I touch the escalator railing?  Did someone sneeze in my eye?  Did someone cough on my phone?  Did I inadvertently touch germy mucous???!

I drive myself crazy thinking about it.  

It's definitely a character flaw.  I am so not a Howie Mandell/Michael Jackson type of germaphobe, but I definitely could see myself slowly approaching that level.

My sister Jenney does not appreciate this about me.  She thinks people worry too much about that crap.  But she is the person that has cheese sticks and Go-gurt in her refrigerator 2 months after their expiration date.  She is the one who eats meaty pizza that was left out overnight.  She is the one who does not use her sleeve as a bacteria shield when opening or closing a public bathroom door!  She thinks a few miscellaneous germs are no big deal. 

And she's a nurse!  A really smart nurse even.

I can't help it.  I was shocked that I didn't get sick after Thanksgiving because I spent five days with a niece who hacked and sneezed vile bodily fluids all over the house. For five days.  We all know that I am a weirdo, but the thought of phlegm being spewed everywhere really makes my stomach turn.  Really.

I am positive someone kissed me with germy spit in their mouth recently.  I am anxiously waiting for that tell-tale tickle in the back of my throat to start...

Two weeks before Christmas!  Grr.

Fakebook. er, I mean Facebook

Occasionally I feel the need to rant a snitch about Fakebook, I mean, Facebook.

I read this article that said that 85 percent of users felt that their Facebook "friends" used the site to brag or overshare, and specifically found it irritating when people complained all the time, shared unsolicited political opinions and boasted about "seemingly perfect lives."

Most of us aren't typically going to pop on Facebook to share shitty things.  Well, except for the people that do, I guess.  Come to think of it, plenty of people do share shitty things.  I kind of find that to be just about as irritating as people sharing fake-y bullshit statuses and photos that make it look like their lives are perfect pictures of constant happiness.

You'll definitely have those friends that will TMI you to death about negative things.  Ugh.  Those people are so annoying.  Can't we all just be normal-ish?  Honestly, I don't mind honesty.  Like, if you're having a bad day and want to throw it out there, I personally do not find that too offensive.  To a degree.  Like, some things are just meant to be a little more private.  The occasional sharing of misfortune is alright for the most part, but if it gets to be persistent, it's just a huge downer.  

The passive/aggressive woe is me stuff really gets under my skin.  Like when someone puts their status as something like:  "When will this ever end?? I'm so over this!" or, "I just don't know what to think anymore..."

That kind of thing bugs me, but it also makes me feel sorry that the poster needs to use Facebook as a forum to seek the attention that they are obviously lacking.  They seem to need some validation or commiseration, which is fine.  Just, why do you need validation and commiseration publicly?  With about 427 of your closest friends?  It surprises me that so many people still don't grasp that nobody really appreciates that.

The only reason someone would like that is for the amusement of it all.  Like, they think it's funny to watch someone lose it.  People actually have fights on Facebook.  Verbal altercations, by grown-ups. We may as well quick go grab a tub of buttered popcorn and a soda because shit is going down.  Better than a movie, right?  How embarrassing!

If you happen to be a Facebook friend of mine, I sort of apologize for my dull and boring online existence.  I promise that you will never see attention seeking posts on my page.  I have no attention seeking bones in my body.

I think I should make a FAKEBOOK, and the tagline would be, "where we mostly have our shit together!"  And we could all post just the perfect, pretty stuff. Would you join?

A cookie workout

After a marathon Christmas cookie baking frenzy today, I literally feel like I jogged to the next town over.

Who knew that stirring the cookie dough was such a workout?  I may have actually felt a little sweat on my brow!

I guess I should really bake more often... I mean, if I could just bake cookies every day, I wouldn't have to work out or anything!  

Because I workout all of the time, obviously.

And if I substituted baking for working out, I would have a lot of cookies in my house all of the time!

Which would certainly be counterproductive to most.  But not me!  Because I have willpower of steel!  I could smell cookies for hours without wanting one bite!  I could stir that dough til the cows came home and never even test it to make sure it tastes as great as it smells!

I think I sounded very convincing.

For real though, I don't love a cookie as much as I love other goodies.  I mean, if someone plopped a plate of good cookies in front of me, I wouldn't push it away or anything, but cookies are not my best.  Unless you consider Little Debbie's Oatmeal Sandwiches a cookie, because those things are just freaking ridiculous.  And when I utter the word ridiculous regarding a cookie, I mean ridiculous.  Trust me on this one guys.

My best goodie would definitely have to be... cupcakes.  Yeah.  Definitely moist and doughy cupcakes.  Mmmmm.  

Incidentally, I hate the word moist.  It makes me want to vomit.  I can't believe I just used it in a sentence.

My house smells like I baked all day.  Now I have to go get the kids from school so we can decorate the cookies.

I love Christmas.

the last word v.15

People Magazine has this feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on some of the last things they've done.  So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything (wait. what?!), I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?

Your last home improvement:  Hm.  Well, back in August, we surprised Brooke and redid her whole bedroom.  It was all she wanted for her birthday and it was hard to sneakily do!  We had a big plan to keep her out of the house til her birthday morning, so we only had a day/night to get it all done.  I barely dribbled any paint.

The last home cooked meal you had: It just so happens I am eating leftover home cooked goulash right this minute.  And it's great, if I do say so myself.

The last sunrise you watched: I think August - we were up bright and early one  vacation morning and got to see a beauteous sunrise.  I might have a picture even.

The last activity you did with your kids: I went to the movies with a couple of my kids a few days ago.  Does that count?

The last thing you misplaced:  Probably my reading glasses, which really makes me so annoyed!  They were my favorite glasses!

The last back rub you received:  This morning I received a rather nice back rub. :)

The last movie you saw in the theater:  I just saw Creed, the new Rocky movie, a few nights ago.  It was really fun because a bunch of us went together.  The only negative was that the theater we went to had a crappy candy selection.  That's just uncalled for.  

The last time you wrote lol:  That would have to be a few hours ago when I was texting with my sister.  I'm pretty sure I didn't actually laugh out loud, but I inwardly chuckled.

The last concert you attended:  I went to see Ed Sheeran, that little cutie.  My sister got this thing with 20 box seats to one of his shows in CT, and it was really cool!  He was awesome, super talented.

The last game you played:  I just played Words on my iPhone - I am winning 80% of my games and it is great.  The last actual game I played in real life with other people was Uno with my kids a few nights ago.  I lost.

11 types of people you find waiting on line

So I went to the movies with a bunch of people the other night, and it was one of those kind of nights where it seemed like everyone in the tri-state area had the same idea.  There was like, zero parking and a line winding all the way outside of the theater.  Alex had to drop us at the door so we could get on line for tickets.  He's a good guy like that. Anyway, I'm an observer, I tend to watch people and check things out a lot.  Standing there in line I noticed a few different types of people that you always seem to find while waiting on line, and I thought I would share those observations with you.  Because I am so generous like that.

I think it was Larry David that defined the "chat and cut" style in line waiting.  You know, the kind of person who slyly walks up to someone towards the front of the line and starts a random conversation, moving when the person moves so they can continue the random conversation. Of course they are still chatting when they reach the ticket booth and since they are already there, they might as well get a ticket themselves!  Lady, you're not fooling anyone with that move.  

The "post pay fumble."  The person who just can get their shit back in their purse or wallet in a timely manner. What's so tough about shoving your change or credit card in your pocket and rearranging it later? Seriously.  There's a line! Wrap it up!

The traditional cutter.  The person that boldly steps in front of you with no apologies, daring you to stand up for yourself.  You know, the type of person that was a bully in high school. Clearly they target the meek. Heads up:  I'm not meek in those situations.  Wait your damn turn.

The "I wasn't paying attention so now there's a huge space between us" person.  This person is rather oblivious and gets caught up in something, whether it be playing candy crush on their phone, or yapping with their date about that night they fell off the bar stool at that one bar and hahaha, remember?  Suddenly there's a huge space and you're like, just gooo man, close the gap! Close the gap!

The "up my ass/stop touching me" person.  This person knows no physical boundaries.  They could be distracted and keep bumping you, or they could just be a close stander by nature.  So that's going to merit several passive aggressive glares. 

The "panic at the disco."  That person who finally reaches the ticket booth and suddenly panics and blanks on what they are supposed to do.  Suddenly they don't know what movie to go see, what size popcorn to order, how many tickets they need, etc  Dude, be prepared.

The boss lady.  The person that is also known as the keeper of lines, you know the one that monitors the movement of the line, periodically piping up with "it's your turn!" and, "go!"  Just to be sure everything goes smoothly and moves along in a timely manner. Because they're all bossy like that.

The friend maker.  The super friendly person that you suddenly feel like you've known forever.  You end up Snapchatting and Facebook friending each other before you even make it to your designated seat at the theater.  Where have they been all of your life and why aren't they sitting with you anyway?

The "what's your opinion? guy."  This is the guy who gets to the front of the line but needs to know what movie the ticket taker would see if they were going to the movies or what the concession stand person thinks the best flavor is to put on popcorn, or how the cashier likes their burger cooked.  Typically, this guy never takes the advice anyway, so why bother asking?

The walking germ.  Ugh.  My second worst kind of person in a line.  This is the guy that stands behind you hacking up a lung, sneezing more than seven times in a row and blowing their nose all over the damn place. Phlegm and spit and germs. Gross.  Please oh please, just do us all a favor and get a movie on Netflix!

The small talker. The person who cannot handle a little silence and feels the need to fill that silence by chatting you up.  Small talk sucks for introverts like myself.  Dude, do you not know the universal signal of please don't talk to me?  I have earphones on!

Can you think of any that I have missed?

25 things I want to accomplish in December. A bucket list, if you will.

Being that it is already freaking December (wtf!) I figured that I would put together a little list of all of the crap I need to do this month.  Because lists! And also, jeez.  What the heck happened to 2015?  

25 things that I would love to accomplish in December.  No guarantees though, obviously:

1.  Finish Christmas shopping before December 24.

2.  Get Christmas gifts wrapped well before December 24.

3.  Mail all Christmas packages that need to be mailed on time.

4.  Get Christmas cards out within a week or so.

5. Write a well thought out New Year Resolution list.

6.  Purge some shitty/annoying/old/broken Christmas decorations.

7. Track on My Fitness Pal every day.  Even Christmas. (grr)

8. Organize the embarrassingly disorganized craft room.

9. Make a really good Christmas playlist on Spotify.

10.  Force kids to purge crap from their bedrooms.

11.  Purge crap from my own bedroom.

12.  Bake Christmas cookies.  A really lot of them.  The good kind, like those walnutty snowballs and peanut butter balls and snickerdoodles even though snickerdoodles probably don't actually count as a Christmas cookie.

13. Gather up some old winter coats, hats, etc for donation.

14. Find a knitting class. Join that class.  Learn how to knit. Knit a hat.

15. Plan a trip.  Some place warm preferably.

16. Make a few photo books.  I only have approximately 40,000 pics spread out on 4 computers that span about a 15 year period.  That is not an exaggeration.

17. Post regularly here, on this blog.

18. Start a new program on TV - I heard about the new Netflix series called Marvel, and I think I want to add it to the lineup.  Since all of TV land thinks it's appropriate to go on hiatus like, now, I need a replacement show.

19. Read/catch up on some of my old favorite blogs.

20.  Get a new fridge and dishwasher.  And maybe a new stove while I am at it.

21. Read through all of the magazines that I have sitting around just annoying me.  Then actually throw them away when I'm finished.

22. Make a decoration thing that holds all of the Christmas cards we get.  Sadly, we seem to get less and less actual Christmas cards each year now that people tend to just post a pic on Facebook.  Well that stinks.

23. Get all of the things we need for the big Christmas breakfast.  Including a chef hat.

24. Drive through the Christmas light show with my family.  Preferably on a night that snows if snow would ever happen in NY. And drink hot chocolate and listen to Christmas music at the same time, of course.

and last but certainly not least, a personally personal goal: 25. Keep being strong, and keep moving forward.

actually kinda perfect

My weekend was so.utterly.unexciting.

I mean, it was great, if you’re into that sort of thing that includes situating yourself to the couch for so long that your body basically forms an identical indentation that’s semi-permanent, and ordering take-out Saturday night which not only was dinner, but then also became lunch and then uh, dinner again on Sunday.  Like the same food.  Just microwaved.  Not even warmed thoroughly in the oven.  Oh no.  I wasn’t even getting up long enough to preheat the oven and then throw the stuff in and blahblahblah.  No way José.  Apparently I’d rather have my unequally microwaved-heated leftovers (you know, so like the edges are so hot that you burn your mouth off and the middle is totally cold?) on a paper plate and then re-faceplant into the cushions.  Then noshing on bits of random cold pizza as mid-day appetizers peppered in there for good measure.  

It was that kind of weekend.

I wish I could be all “ohmygosh, it was so rainy and cozy all day Saturday and I just got so caught up in my awesome book that I read the entire thing while sitting in my big comfy chair in the dimquiet”… but no. It was nothing of the sort.  I wore the same comfy yoga pants/tank top/hoodie outfit and woke up at 10ish an embarrassing time and perused the internet while vaguely listening to/watching so much HGTV that my brain nearly exploded.  I didn’t even read the crap-ton of magazines I have to catch up on.

This weekend would have been the perfect time to do all of those things that I “never get around to,” such as fold a massive pile of laundry that for whatever reason just continues to grow (wtf, family), which is located smack dab in the middle of the craft room floor (classy. want to come over?), reorganize the crammed and annoying kitchen cabinets, clean out the crammed and annoying closets, clean the bathrooms, mop the floor, deconstruct the junk drawer(s) because they contain about six thousand miscellaneous stupid things that I "might use someday,” along with random change, keys that I don't recognize, melted lip gloss and four-year-old samples of sunscreen, or purge every room in the house because we (I) constantly mentally complain about the chaos. But no. We didn’t have time for that at all. We only had time for *couch*.

Now that I think about it, this weekend was actually kinda perfect.

modern day interaction

Things are so different now, the way people interact in this modern tech-savvy time that we live in.  

Whoa.  I kind of feel like an old person saying such a thing.  Like when my Nan would say, "Back in my day..."

But really, it is completely different than it was back in my day!  They were simpler times, in my opinion.  There's no such thing as tossing the guy you're crushing on an innocent little football shaped note with "do you like me circle Y or N" scribbled on it during math class.  Instead you snapchat him a picture of your boobs apparently.  But that is a conversation for another post.

OK, well, maybe if you were 11 the football note was appropriate.  But these days, it's like, nobody actually talks anymore.  Face to face I mean.  Everyone hides behind a screen.  A computer, an iPad, a smart phone... I know that I am guilty of it.  How sadly impersonal though, right?

Sometimes I strongly consider giving up my iPhone and laptop, just to see how long I could do it.  Just to see how life would be without it, like it used to be in the olden days.  I bet I would get a ton more done, I'd be so much more productive.  I know I would read actual books more.  

It is rare for me to ever forget my phone, but when I do, it's like I forgot one of my kids, and I am ashamed and filled with anxiety til I get it back.  Isn't that kind of crazy?  That we are SO dependent on these little things?  Of course, I say that as I am sitting at my computer, typing a document to post to all of the random and unknown people of the www, but that's neither here nor there.  Right?

There are these intense discussions about the way people go about "life" now...  I'm not sure how great I would be at doing it this way if I had to, as a teenager.  I mean, being young and like, never having known a time when so much information, so much technology was right there in front of your face, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  When you were always tethered, never actually alone.  

Sometimes having a cellphone is like having a ball and chain attached to your ankle.  You are always reachable.  You never get a break to just breathe, and enjoy real life without interruption.  You can never be alone.

I might do an experiment and give up technology.  Any bets on how long I could last?

blog cheating and stuff

One of my pre-resolutions is going to be getting back to the blogging thing.  Because whatever, I just feel like writing stuff.  Even if it is boring, or doesn't have any relevance.  

I have something to admit.  

I've actually been writing on another blog for a while.  Ugh, I know.  I'm ashamed.  I'm sorry!  I jumped ship here and started fresh somewhere else because I was thinking maybe it would be easier and you know, who knows if it is or not, but I kind of feel guilty and I should probably ditch that other blog.  I promise there is no great amazing content that you would care about or miss or anything.  It's just pretty much lame old, same old me.

I have noticed that I seriously only wrote four posts on this blog this year.  FOUR.  None of them were important or great or exciting.  Mostly they were about the fact that I hadn't written.  Which was obvious.  I suppose I didn't really need to point that out.

I've been re-reading the posts of the past and it's so obvious to me, that I was struggling.  I see where I went from being generally happy, generally normal, regular me to sad and erratic and scattered and pensive and like, downdowndown.  I don't know if anyone else would pick up on the subtle change, but I did, like, immediately.  I was reading along and I was like, ohhh.

Kind of like watching a train wreck.  You know it's going to be really shitty for a while but it's hard to look away.

Anyway, I think that the struggling part is getting better.  I'm more clear headed.  I'm a little harder, I think.  I still have a lot of stuff to say.  Because let's face it, we all know I am windy like that.  I was still windy when I was feeling all dark and moody and broody, but I just kept it to my own self.  I couldn't spew here.  I have so many angsty draft posts that will never see the light of day.  But writing stuff helped, even if it was only for getting it out of my cluttered head.

You know how Facebook is actually really more like "Fakebook?"  Like mostly people project their best selves because they want all of the people in their world to think that have it all together, all of the time.  Nobody posts about how their dog smells slightly like a skunk and their kid was exposed to lice and that they feel like a fatass.  I mean, nobody really posts those kind of things, right?  It's more like, "I went to the Farmer's Market!  I eat only organic! I bought sunflowers today! See the pretty sunflowers!  They are on my cute little farm table with the sun beam shining on them with perfection!  My life is great all of the time! Yay!"

But we all know that's not real life, right?  We all know that Facebook is like an alternate reality, right?

I'm an offender. Mostly I keep shitty stuff to myself, because you know, I can manage my own stuff. And I don't need anyone looking at me like, aw poor you. And also because who else really cares about the skunky dog and frantic delousing of a kid who actually has no sign of lice but I have to frantically delouse anyway because ugh. Who wants a bug?? Not me!

Well so anyway, I'm not making any promises of tons of fabulous, regular posts, because lets face it. We've all heard that shit before. But I think I'll hop on here again, and try to write stuff. Because why not?  Maybe it'll actually happen this time.

and THIS is why I can't maintain a blog

So it's 2:17 in the afternoon and I didn't take a shower or brush my teeth and there is a half of a cup of coffee on the table next to me, just all cold and sitting there.  I think that I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch.

I'm pretty sure I might have to pee but I'm currently mushed in that "semi-permanent couch indentation that occurs after sitting for a shit-ton of hours in the same spot on the couch" indentation.

I am in this position solely because I was thinking I should start to be a good blogger again, so I got on my computer at like 10 am-ish or something ridiculous like that and then I accidentally never got up.  Because Internet!  I mean, there's so much to do on here!  Sheesh, I almost forgot.

Then I was on pinterest looking at recipes and I found approximately 897 thousand things that I would like to make for lunch, so I pinned them all on my "THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE FOR LUNCH" board,  but of course I never actually made them.  I just gazed longingly at Avocado and Spicy Goat Cheese Tacos and Smoky Sweet Potato Burgers w/ Roasted Garlic Cream & Avocado (I really like avocados) and continuously moved on to the next fabulous food-thing to pin.  For four hours.

Then I moved on to things that I could make for dinner, except I can't make them because I didn't get my ass showered so I could go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the things to make for dinner.  

So now I have just under 59 tabs open on my computer and I am so confused.  Do I shower?  Do I throw together a shitty lunch?  Brush my grimy teeth?  Maybe attempt to get to the store before I have to get the kids from school?  Eat a Twix???  I don't even know!!!

This is shameful guys.  I actually can't believe that I am confessing this behavior to all of you zero readers out there.

a strong upper lip, among other dental-ish things

Every time my husband goes to the dentist, he'll call me proudly on the way home and tell me all of the wonderful things that the dentist and/or hygienist said to him during his check up.

"Proudly" because they are all compliments.  Well, uncomfortably strange oral weirdisms in my opinion, but definitely compliments in his eyes.  

The last time he went to the dentist, the hygienist told him that he had a "strong upper lip," and also a "firm tongue."  These are things I am pretty sure I will hear about for the rest of my life.  Because those are very exciting things apparently.  Also, who says that?  Who says "Wow, you really have a strong upper lip?"  The hygienist may have been trying to put the moves on him with the firm tongue thing, because it could be construed as a euphemism.  I'm not at all concerned because she has very short boy hair and that's not his thing.  Also, he never has cavities.

About fifteen years ago, he was so excited because the hygienist said, and I quote, "Stains?  Zero!" regarding his teeth with gusto.  Gusto, I tell you.  He was so excited.  He loves that he has zero stains on his teeth so much that fifteen or so years later I am still reminded.  I am still reminded often of his stainless teeth.  Sometimes, when he writes a card to me he will write, "To: Stains, From: Zero" on the envelope.  Probably so I will know who the card is from, but in code.  Except now I am informing the whole www, so it isn't exactly a private code anymore. 

I think it's because he had baby bottle mouth when he was little.  You know those sad little yucky teeth that your baby will get if you let them drink a bottle of milk in bed that the pediatrician warns you of?  That's a real thing guys.  The sad yucky teeth is real!  And my husband had them!  Thank Cod he now has zero stains and zero cavities because I am certain that adult baby bottle mouth would have been a deal breaker.  Because I am a little shallow like that.

ANYway*, I went to the dentist yesterday and all went smoothly.  Going to the dentist is not my cup of tea.  Did I ever tell you that my regular dentist fired me twice?  One time I convinced him to take me back, but the second time he didn't.  Then I picked a cuter dentist in his office that I always kind of had a crush on instead.  Or should I say, he picked me.  Because one day I asked him a simple question about a tooth-thing I was experiencing during one of Brooke's appointments after the big and shameful second firing incident, and he made me hop in the chair and get my tooth looked at.  Because he is so nice and petite.

Then he said he would be my new dentist and I said "phew" to myself.

I really like my dentist.


*you know how sometimes people say "anyways" with an "s" at the end?  Like they make "anyway" plural?  That irks me and it should definitely irk you too.  Because it is dumb.  

is it smaller than a breadbox?

My BIL John has a theory on how to tell if a guy is gay or not.  Because apparently it's important to know.  Anyway, John has a lot of theories on a lot of things and however outlandish, he is unfortunately (almost) always proven right.  And to be perfectly honest with you, John's innate ability to pick out a person's sexuality is pretty incredible.  He might be pretty close to 10 for 10, in our circle of people.  And I'm sure once the other guys that are iffy come out, he'll be 12 for 12.

Not that we typically sit around trying to guess a person's sexual orientation, because truthfully, it means nothing to me.  I am 150% a "to each his own" kind of girl.  But I definitely can't help but be impressed with John's accuracy in labeling.

So anyway, in case you have anyone in your life that you think could be on the fence and you are really curious but don't have the guts (or frankly, the rudeness) to ask, I'll share some of John's criteria.  Of course this bulleted list isn't 100% indicative of homosexuality, but you can use it as a guide.

• The fact that he is married to a person of the opposite sex means nothing
• If he has a dog, the dog is smaller than a breadbox
• He lives alone and has cats
• He has a male "roommate"
• He dresses really well and is into fashion
• He is very fit and into his body/looks
• He wears tight, formfitting shirts and jeans
• He is involved in the theater or another creative field
• He may sound feminine, use feminine gestures and have feminine mannerisms

I've kind of recently discovered that there is a whole subculture of gay men out there, completely different than the stereotypical feminine looking/acting gay guy.  This recent discovery is about to blow John's theory completely out of the water, and I love to prove John wrong, or get him to question his theories.  Because the majority of John's gay criteria involves the more stereotypical sort of feminine gay guy.

Have you ever heard of the slang term "bear" regarding gay men?  I guess it refers to more masculine looking gay men who tend to be heavy-set or muscular and kind of hairy.   I bet those big hairy guys have dogs bigger than a breadbox, and I know that they don't look all perfect and fit in their tight jeans.  There are annual events, like Bear Festivals and Bear Runs and apparently there are even Bear Clubs.  Apparently there isn't much of an awareness of bears outside of the gay community.  Who knew?

Since I am so knowledgeable and smart and socially aware, I am looking forward to sharing this interesting info with John.  Come to think of it, the next time my cousin and his partner are around, I am definitely going to ask them if they know any bears.

you googled that? v4

Glad I unfriended you on Facebook - I remember this post.  The one where I was discussing that I wished I could tell who has unfriended me so I could glare at them from afar.

Great conversation enders - Oh, everyone needs great conversation enders.  I'm glad you were directed to me for that because I am a champion tapper-outer.  It's my best quality.

Newborn baby boy testicles - You guys are gross.

Hey Jessee's tits - This very well may be referring to the kid's TV show, "Hey Jessie," and her t-words.  Because there is no way anybody is googling me for that.

How to hot dog snappy - Hm.  What do you think someone meant by that?  My imagination is going in all sorts of directions.

Turned on by hipsters - Well aren't we all?  Well, not the asshole holier-than-thou hipsters, obviously.

Muffies - I'm going to choose to think someone was searching for a muffin recipe here.  And wouldn't you know, I actually posted a muffin recipe back in the day.

Mischievous girl - I'm OK with this, though I'm not sure why google sent someone here for that.  I like to think I'm a mischievous girl.  I like to keep people guessing.

Define wogging - Oh, I will define wogging.  Don't worry young grasshopper, just click here.

Gross things that make you puke - well, I get this.  I do believe that I have a weakness for gross things that make me puke.  I mean, a weak belly that wants to puke when gross things are in the vicinity, like phlegm, or vomit, or dog poop or maggots.

Guess the movie baby deer - Probably got sent to the post where I discussed how Walt Disney was probably kind of psycho.