A cookie workout

After a marathon Christmas cookie baking frenzy today, I literally feel like I jogged to the next town over.

Who knew that stirring the cookie dough was such a workout?  I may have actually felt a little sweat on my brow!

I guess I should really bake more often... I mean, if I could just bake cookies every day, I wouldn't have to work out or anything!  

Because I workout all of the time, obviously.

And if I substituted baking for working out, I would have a lot of cookies in my house all of the time!

Which would certainly be counterproductive to most.  But not me!  Because I have willpower of steel!  I could smell cookies for hours without wanting one bite!  I could stir that dough til the cows came home and never even test it to make sure it tastes as great as it smells!

I think I sounded very convincing.

For real though, I don't love a cookie as much as I love other goodies.  I mean, if someone plopped a plate of good cookies in front of me, I wouldn't push it away or anything, but cookies are not my best.  Unless you consider Little Debbie's Oatmeal Sandwiches a cookie, because those things are just freaking ridiculous.  And when I utter the word ridiculous regarding a cookie, I mean ridiculous.  Trust me on this one guys.

My best goodie would definitely have to be... cupcakes.  Yeah.  Definitely moist and doughy cupcakes.  Mmmmm.  

Incidentally, I hate the word moist.  It makes me want to vomit.  I can't believe I just used it in a sentence.

My house smells like I baked all day.  Now I have to go get the kids from school so we can decorate the cookies.

I love Christmas.

with kale, i write

OK, so the weirdest thing happened.  I was reading blogs and things, and my computer died.  So I plugged it in and decided to read a book while waiting for my laptop to recharge a bit.  Of course, just a few minutes later, my nook died.  So that's not the weird part.  The weird part was that I of course decided to plug the nook in to charge, and was kind of aimlessly wandering around the kitchen, bored, thinking maybe I was hungry enough for a little snack.

And my mind was all, "Oh!  We have kale!  I'll steam some kale!"  And then my mind said to itself, "WTF Jessee?"

Because, steamed kale?  As a snack?  What are we, animals??  Like, healthy animals??  What about donuts and cookies and like, candy?  And frosting and cookie dough and other sugary sweet things, that are so bad for you?  Kale??

So I steamed some kale. And I tossed it with a little olive oil, lemon juice, and salt and pepper.  And I ate it, loving every freaking bite.

A month ago, I decided to do this cleanse. Not like the kind of cleanse where you starve yourself and drink shakes and like, disgusting wheat grass or something, but a healthy cleanse. The kind that cleanses your body of built up toxins and things.

I read about this thing, it was a 21 day cleanse where you gradually eliminated meat and dairy and eventually ended up eating vegan.  I decided that three weeks of eating good and smart and consciously wouldn't kill me at all. Either way, the three weeks were going to pass by, why not at least try it.

Honest to Cod, I believe this is the first time in my 43 (ugh!) years of life that I ever stuck to something. Like, made an actual decision to follow something, and then actually followed it til the end.

It wasn't hard. I am lucky that I like fruits and veggies. The cool thing about this cleanse was that in following it by the book, which had strict daily meals, I ended up making and trying a ton of things that I've never tried before (like kale and jicama). I made things that I was sure I wouldn't like, and loved them.  Seriously, I could almost live on this "diet."  In the three weeks that I did it, there was only one meal that I didn't like, and it was a roasted root medley. Wtf, right? Just too many roots I think. 

I hate the diet thing. Hate. I hate feeling deprived. I hate feeling like I can't eat a bowl of Lucky Charms without feeling guilty. Not that I ever really eat a bowl of Lucky Charms, but you know, if I felt like it, my initial feeling would be guilt.

Anyway, I did it. And it was good, really. Besides feeling better physically, I ended up dropping some pounds, which was a rather pleasant surprise. Kind of like a kick start to getting back on the wagon, which I so stupidly fell off of last year.  I'm a few years behind the fit at forty thing, but I'm catching up.  

I'll get there.

I will always need cheese in my life

Someone posed this question recently, and I have been thinking about it ever since.  Because I love food.  The question was, what 5 foods would you be devastated over if you could not ever eat them again.

Number one has to be cheese.  Cheeses in fact.  I am a cheese lover.  Goat cheese, mozzarella, swiss, blue cheese, cheddar... oh man.  Life would definitely not be the same without cheese.

Avocados.  I would eat an entire avocado every single day for the rest of my life if those thongs weren't so high in calories.

Tomatoes.  But they have to be the good, garden kind.  The kind that when you take a bite, the juice dribbles down your chin.  And yet somehow, that seems slightly sexual.

Dark chocolate.  I believe that chocolate is a food.  It must be.  And also, I read that it's actually good for you to eat a piece of chocolate a day.  Which is exactly why I eat three pieces of chocolate a day.  I like to err on the side of caution.

Bread... ah bread.  I love bread.  I try not to eat too much of it, really.  Carbs are not my BFF.  But I love toast so much, and I love dinner rolls.  And that kind of bread that you get at the Macaroni Grill with the rosemary in it that you dip in the oil... mmmmmmmmmmm

Welp, I am officially hungry now.  Better go figure out what to do about that.  What foods would you miss like crazy if you couldn't have them?

5 ways to drop some damn pounds

This is funny.  And strangely, kind of accurate.

1.  Get your ass off the couch.  Pick up a dumbbell, or a kid (one and the same sometimes, eh?) and put on your damn sneakers and take a walk.  Or a jog.  Or even a wog.  Just, do something.  Something other than watching 12 back to back episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, wondering why you can't be thin and rich and like, have a shapely ass.  Yes, the Kardashians do have money, they can afford gym memberships and trainers and cute sneakers, wah wah wah.  I know, it sucks not to be the Kardashians, (In the financial way.  And maybe also the shapely ass way.  And kind of maybe in the Brody Jenner super hot step-sibling way.) but let's be real, you don't need any of that crap to get your butt out the door.

2.  Stop shoving shovelfuls of shitty food in your mouth.  Yes, you.  I mean me.  Let's be real, those amazing Grandma Brown Chocolate Fudge cookies are not doing anything to help you get Kim Kardashian's shapely ass.  Not at all.  And the creamer, and sugar in your coffee?  Not good.  No, because trim people use skim milk.  It tastes like shit?  Wah wah wah.  You can drink the creamy sweet stuff when you drop a few pounds.  Now step away from the donut and eat a freaking banana.

3.  Drink a shit ton of water.  You don't like water?  It's boring?  Well, too bad.  That "Diet" Coke (I used air quotes there if you didn't notice) that you drink 3 liters of a day isn't making you any slimmer, dumbass.  The fact is, diet soda actually makes you hungrier.  So going through the drive thru getting a Big Mac, Large Fries and a Diet Coke isn't helping.  No, no it is not.  If you want to go through the drive thru at McDonald's, get a baked chicken sandwich and some apple bites.  Or a cheeseburger and kid sized fries.  Just don't get the diet soda, get a bottled water.  Put a lemon or lime in your there if you want some flavor.  And some ice for good measure.  Maybe even get some bubbles in there, to make it fizzy.  You know, like seltzer water.  Everyone likes fizzy things, right?

4.  Track what you eat.  And just because you don't track the part where you cleared your kids plate and ate 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwich bread crusts, 4 forkfuls of mac and cheese, and the bottom part of the cupcake with no icing on it doesn't mean you didn't eat it.  Be real.  Be honest with yourself.  Write that shit down every day, every bite.  If you've never done this before, you'll be shocked.  We eat way more than we think we do.  Studies show that when you track your food, you're more conscious of what you put in your mouth.  Who knew?

5. Find a friend.  You're not very friendly?  I mean me.  You're shy, kinda introverted? Uh, me again.  Hate people you don't know and already like?  Tough.  Suck it up.  If you don't have it in you to ask a buddy to walk with you, find an online friend.  There are online friends every fucking where.  Everyone wants to be your weight loss buddy online.  Just avoid meeting them in a dark alley if they suggest getting together to "discuss your weight loss progress."  Apparently, when you have someone to commiserate with, someone to push you as you push them, someone who isn't a judgey asshole in your corner, you're likely to lose more weight and keep it off.  I guess sometimes we just need a motivational friend.

Most importantly, (this makes 6 ways, a bonus!) STOP BLAMING PEOPLE, and take responsibly, now.  It doesn't matter how or why you got here.  It doesn't matter if you're 200 pounds overweight or 20.  Life is short and being overweight is unhealthy.  You're the only one who has the power to fix it.  

Now c'mon.  Let's go.  We got this.  I can be your motivational friend, and you can be mine.  Maybe.  But wait!  I'm not good at friends!  Don't call me, I'll call you?  

breakfast wars

We were at this resort that has the most amazing food.  Amazing.  And we get an option of eating in the fancy dining room or the huge casual dining room, where they have buffet style food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  We always go buffet.

This is no average buffet.  The buffet is like crazy town where anything you could possibly want is available.

So in order to bug my sister Ali since we were at the resort and she wasn't, I sent her a few breakfast pictures while we were eating.  You know, because I am all sharing like that...

You know, the thing is, you really have to sample everything.  On my first plate, I filled up on some fresh fruit and banana bread, then the second plate of course had pancake, waffle, eggs, bacon, sausage and a um, maybe another piece of banana bread.  There  may or may not have been a third plate that involved yogurt with granola and raspberries.  Who eats like that??  

All I know is, I ate like a champion.  I will put out there though, that I like to have tastes of as much as I can when I am at this place because everything is so good, but I did not lick my plate.  Also, I feel like I need to point out that that was not just one day of breakfast photos.  Because you know, that would be slovenly.  And their food is so rich, there's no possible way that I could get all of that down.

There was also an omelet bar, but oh man, I was way too full to go there.  There was a fishy thing that I didn't try, all sorts of eggs and potatoes and breads and muffins.  Oh whoa.  My mouth is watering.

So for two days, Ali received my breakfast food pictures, and this is what she sent back:

Burned bacon, boxed cereal, a miscellaneous piece of fruit... they so made me laugh.  That's why I like those guys.