5 ways to drop some damn pounds

This is funny.  And strangely, kind of accurate.

1.  Get your ass off the couch.  Pick up a dumbbell, or a kid (one and the same sometimes, eh?) and put on your damn sneakers and take a walk.  Or a jog.  Or even a wog.  Just, do something.  Something other than watching 12 back to back episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, wondering why you can't be thin and rich and like, have a shapely ass.  Yes, the Kardashians do have money, they can afford gym memberships and trainers and cute sneakers, wah wah wah.  I know, it sucks not to be the Kardashians, (In the financial way.  And maybe also the shapely ass way.  And kind of maybe in the Brody Jenner super hot step-sibling way.) but let's be real, you don't need any of that crap to get your butt out the door.

2.  Stop shoving shovelfuls of shitty food in your mouth.  Yes, you.  I mean me.  Let's be real, those amazing Grandma Brown Chocolate Fudge cookies are not doing anything to help you get Kim Kardashian's shapely ass.  Not at all.  And the creamer, and sugar in your coffee?  Not good.  No, because trim people use skim milk.  It tastes like shit?  Wah wah wah.  You can drink the creamy sweet stuff when you drop a few pounds.  Now step away from the donut and eat a freaking banana.

3.  Drink a shit ton of water.  You don't like water?  It's boring?  Well, too bad.  That "Diet" Coke (I used air quotes there if you didn't notice) that you drink 3 liters of a day isn't making you any slimmer, dumbass.  The fact is, diet soda actually makes you hungrier.  So going through the drive thru getting a Big Mac, Large Fries and a Diet Coke isn't helping.  No, no it is not.  If you want to go through the drive thru at McDonald's, get a baked chicken sandwich and some apple bites.  Or a cheeseburger and kid sized fries.  Just don't get the diet soda, get a bottled water.  Put a lemon or lime in your there if you want some flavor.  And some ice for good measure.  Maybe even get some bubbles in there, to make it fizzy.  You know, like seltzer water.  Everyone likes fizzy things, right?

4.  Track what you eat.  And just because you don't track the part where you cleared your kids plate and ate 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwich bread crusts, 4 forkfuls of mac and cheese, and the bottom part of the cupcake with no icing on it doesn't mean you didn't eat it.  Be real.  Be honest with yourself.  Write that shit down every day, every bite.  If you've never done this before, you'll be shocked.  We eat way more than we think we do.  Studies show that when you track your food, you're more conscious of what you put in your mouth.  Who knew?

5. Find a friend.  You're not very friendly?  I mean me.  You're shy, kinda introverted? Uh, me again.  Hate people you don't know and already like?  Tough.  Suck it up.  If you don't have it in you to ask a buddy to walk with you, find an online friend.  There are online friends every fucking where.  Everyone wants to be your weight loss buddy online.  Just avoid meeting them in a dark alley if they suggest getting together to "discuss your weight loss progress."  Apparently, when you have someone to commiserate with, someone to push you as you push them, someone who isn't a judgey asshole in your corner, you're likely to lose more weight and keep it off.  I guess sometimes we just need a motivational friend.

Most importantly, (this makes 6 ways, a bonus!) STOP BLAMING PEOPLE, and take responsibly, now.  It doesn't matter how or why you got here.  It doesn't matter if you're 200 pounds overweight or 20.  Life is short and being overweight is unhealthy.  You're the only one who has the power to fix it.  

Now c'mon.  Let's go.  We got this.  I can be your motivational friend, and you can be mine.  Maybe.  But wait!  I'm not good at friends!  Don't call me, I'll call you?