Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I read a post written by Ashley Ambirge, a blogger who is really real and daring and true to herself.  I'm freshly addicted to her blog, http://www.themiddlefingerproject.org/  .  I found myself reading this list on her blog, and I thought it was awesomely inspiring and worth sharing and thinking about and soaking in.  Awesome Ashley Ambirge wrote the following guide, not me.  

...Guidelines For Rebelling Against Reality:

1.  True living is more than just keeping your heart beating and a roof over your head.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that is “just how life goes.”  There are way more possibilities, and, yes, IT IS WORTH GOING AFTER.  Be daring.

2.  Stop blowing yourself off; we get so upset when others blow off our ideas and desires, but we have no problem doing it to ourselves.  Take your ideas, feelings, wants, wishes, yearns & urges seriously–those are your only true guide.  Other people have no idea what’s best for you, so stop seeking their validation.  Do what you need to do for you. Be confident.

3.  Stop doing everything by the book.  It’s time to start drafting your own revised edition.  Rules don’t always exist in the name of the greatest good; more often than not, they exist because someone wants to establish or maintain power.  And that’s just not a good enough reason. Be inquisitive.

4.  Life is a series of choices.  You choose every single direction that your life takes.  Use it to your advantage.  Be deliberate.

5.  There will be people out there who won’t support what you’re doing.  Who cares.  Trust yourself more, trust others less.  That includes significant others.  Be brave.

6.  Figure out what you value, and make the necessary changes to align your life with those values.  If you value time more than money, stop working 60 hour work weeks.  The only way you’ll get more time, is by doing less.  It’s simple math.  Be introspective.

7.  Speaking of money, IT ISN’T AS IMPORTANT AS WE’RE TAUGHT TO THINK IT IS.  Money comes, and money goes, and it provides little value itself until you actually exchange it for something that is valuable to you.  So, ask yourself that question.  What do you value?  That’s where the majority of the money you spend should be going.  Be prudent.

8.  Having good intentions doesn’t yield results.  Get off your rear and make it happen.  Be zealous.

9.  Life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously.  In the scheme of things, if you’re going to be late to work, it doesn’t really matter.  If you don’t get an A, it doesn’t really matter.  If you’re proven wrong about something, it doesn’t really matter.  If your house isn’t as nice as your best friend’s, it doesn’t really matter.  Relax, and enjoy the ride.  Think big picture, not details.  Will this matter in 100 years?  Be panoramic.

10.  The world is not judging you as much as you think they are.  Most people are too wrapped up in themselves to even notice what you’re doing.  Drop the pride and have a little fun.  Be lighthearted.

11.  Perhaps one of the greatest goals we can seek for ourselves is exhilaration.  Are you exhilarated by your life?  Be stimulated.

12.  When making decisions, always ask what’s more important.  Thinking about canceling on an invitation to a friend’s baby shower or birthday party because you have too much work to do?  Don’t. Your friend is more important; work can always be done later.  Nothing is that urgent.  Relationships, however, are your foundation and you’d be lost without other human connections, so value them.  And show it.  Be thoughtful.

13.  You don’t just need to love yourself; you need to respect yourself.  You’ll garner that respect by accomplishing things you’ve set out to do.  Be relentless.

14.  Being content with your life and being proud to call it yours are two different things.  Strive for the latter.  Be courageous.

15.  Last but not least, wine should be drank with meals.  Preferably Argentinian Malbec.  It’s freaking delicious.  Be delighted.

Monday, January 30, 2012

who knew?

I've decided to answer the questions that James Lipton asks every guest at the end of Inside the Actor's Studio.  Because, why not?

1. What is your favorite word?
Discombobulated.  I don't even know why.  I also appreciate the word hobo.

2. What is your least favorite word?
Top worst favorite word ever is moist.  Ugh, so gross.  Close runner up is eachother.  Or really, each other.  I have always hated that/those word(s) for as long as I can remember - for some strange unknown reason.  I also abhor words that people say that are dumb non-words, like fustrated and supposubly.  

3. What turns you on?
Genuine, interesting people with kind but mischievous eyes.  Hands.  Bold moves. The smell of clean skin.

4. What turns you off?
People who try too hard, people who are up my ass.  People who get into my space without invitation. Dirty nails and gross teeth.

5. What sound do you love?
I love the sound of my kids (or other people) laughing hard, bar bands, piano music and that sound of silence that is indescribable.

6. What sound do you hate?
Chaos, craziness - too much everything going on.  Snuffling your nose.

7. What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck you, fuck off, dick.   It just occurred to me that all of those could be said together as one succinct insult.

8. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Maybe a social worker or a nurse, maybe a creative writing or English teacher.  I have absolutely no idea what I want to do/be/attempt.  That's a real issue that I struggle with.

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Acting.  I don't like when people look at me, so being an actor is probably like, the worst profession for me to have.  Pretty much any profession where you get looked at a lot would suck for me.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Wanna go back and have a do-over with all of your people?

Friday, January 27, 2012

2 great conversation enders. kid edition.

As a veteran Mom of 22 years (omg. whoa.), I have acquired a few simple go-to phrases that generally cover almost everything - I find that using either of them makes it kind of hard for my kids to talk back to me or have a fresh remark in response.

The first, and most often used is : "I'm sorry you feel that way."

This works especially well in instances where you're trying to keep your child from having a melt-down in the now. 

Here are a few examples of various goings-on in our house where that phrase is applicable:

Alex: "Mom -- I am going to ride my bike up to Tom's Ice Cream!" (4.5 miles away, on a heavily trafficked highway)

Me: "Oh no you're not."

Alex: "Why??!  Chris' Mom said he could go!"

Me: "Because it's a highway, and you are a kid and it's dangerous even for people that don't ride downhill no-handed while standing up on the pedals."

Alex: "That's not fair!!"

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then there's not much else for him to say, is there?  Maybe he can throw in one more emphatic "That's not fair!" for good measure, but really - there is nothing left to say.

Megan: "Can blahblah sleep over tonight?"

Me: "Not tonight. You know I can't stand sleepovers."

Meg: "Gracie's mom always lets her have sleepovers!  You never let me have sleepovers!"

Me: "It's no secret that sleepovers are not my favorite Megan."

Meg: "That's not fair!"

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

stompstompstomp.  You get the picture.  Really, it's kind of a conversation ender.  You are empathizing with their distress, without giving in.  You don't engage in an argument.  Again, you might get a random, "That's not fair!"   But for the most part, it works.  

The second most often used phrase/comment from me is: "Interesting."  It sounds simple, but in many instances, it can completely halt a rapidly deteriorating conversation that doesn't need to be addressed right then and there.

Alex: "Next year, I don't care if you say no, I am going on the overnight field trip to Boston!"

Me: "Hmmm.  Well that's Interesting."

There you have it.  What could his response to that possibly be?  Once again, you respond calmly, you don't engage, and you end the conversation without a tiff.  I often choose this kind of response when there is plenty of time to wait before you need to go down that road anyway. However, it still works in the moment. 

Brooke: "I don't want to take a shower tonight because nobody takes a shower and I'm hungry and I took one yesterday!"

Me: "Interesting. Get your buns in the shower."


Meg: "I can't wait til next summer when I can jump off the bridge!"  (into a lake nearby)

Me:  "Hmmm.  Interesting."

See?  I am not saying "No way, José - you will not be jumping off of that bridge in your lifetime,"  because really, what's the point in even going there when she could potentially forget all about that desire by next summer?

There you have it.  Give them a try and let me know how it works out for you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

one last thing about the facebook

Doesn't it seems like everyone has an opinion on Facebook these days? You have your proponents, your opponents, your addicts, your stalkers, your casual users.  I honestly cannot think of anyone between the ages of 10 and 80 who don't at least know what Facebook is.

I actually only know a handful of people who don't have a Facebook.  Isn't that weird?  Not weird that they aren't on Facebook, but more like, isn't it weird that this social networking thing has become so much a part of most of our daily lives?  To think there are actual new words and terms associated with Facebook that even my grandmother knows about is so funny to me.  "Friending," "defriending," "liking," "status updates," "FARMVILLE."  Odd to think that just ten years ago, if you threw any of those terms into an average conversation, nobody would have had a clue as to what you were talking about.

And have you ever noticed that when you happen to stumble across someone who doesn't have or use Facebook, they immediately get this shifty nervous look in their eye when it is brought up?  Like they are scrambling to convince you of a good reason they aren't doing it, concerned about your judgement, terrified that they aren't hip to this generation that we live in...

It's crazy actually.  The Facebook generation.  But you have to admit, it is a pretty big part of things these days.  And it seems like it's not going to be going away anytime soon.

So anyway, as luck would have it, I've made a little pro/con list of having a Facebook in case you are one of the few who are waffling on the issue of creating an account.  Because, obviously!  And at the end, I've outlined a little sampling of the most annoying kind of Facebook posters.


Reconnecting.  Apparently this is the biggest thing.  Who knew that 276 of my closest friends wanted to reconnect with me?  Except, I may very well have disconnected because I didn't want to be friends with about 273 of them.  

Making new friends.  If you aren't making new friends (I'm not), you're at least solidifying old ones.  Or voyeuristically checking out their lives.  Because, who wouldn't?

Easily keeping in touch with faraway family and friends. It is a quick, convenient and easy way to communicate, share pics and keep up to date on each others lives.  And another plus, if there are people in your life that you have to communicate with, you get to do it less personally than if it were in real life!  Win!

Birthday wishes, kudos etc.  You have to admit that it does feel kinda nice when you log on to a page of 97 Happy Birthday wishes, or a good luck or a job well done.  It just does.

Peeking in at other peoples lives.  Not exactly in a stalkerish way.  More like in an "interested in your life" way.  Or, a stalkerish way.

Getting insider scoops and info on the things that you have "liked."   If you "like" bands, authors, TV shows, brands, stores, etc, you'll get notified of anything up and coming, including coupons, deals, giveaways and sales.  I am very pro-deal, sale and insider info, so this makes me happy.

and now, all of the Cons

Reconnecting.  For the most part, you stopped being friends with certain people for a reason.  Right?  Like that girl in 7th grade who told me my boobs were too big, that one who set me up for a lifetime of insecurities and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  Yeah, I still don't want to be her friend.

Awkward friend requests from people that I don't know, or barely know.  OMG, it is so uncomfortable when you get friended by someone that you don't know, or someone that you really don't want to know.  You just feel mean and awkward, and it mocks you, sitting there in your notification thing.  Your mean-ness becomes an in your face daily mockery.

Soapboxes.  Ugh, I hate this. I don't want to hear a rant on your political, religious or hot button issues.  I appreciate a good debate, I really do.  But, honestly, I'm not going to get into it on Facebook with you.  And it's a rare person who can sway my opinion on big issues anyway. 

Fight starters.  There just seem to be those people that thrive on drama.  It's like they lie in wait for a person to make the "wrong" comment about something and pounce.  So far I have been in one Facebook tiff, and man, it was frustrating.  I did not start it, but I think I ended it.  Jerk.

Lame or nonsensical updates every freaking hour.  Come on.  Nobody cares what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack every. single. day.  Not everybody wants to know everything.

Changing profile pictures of yourself every day, then commenting on how how ugly/bad/fat you look.  Why post the picture if you think you look like shit?  We all know why.  Because you want people to tell you that you look pretty.  Compliment whore.

Stalkers.  Freaks me out that people are looking too deeply into my life.   Or have the ability to.  Narcissistic much?

Time suck.  Good Cod you can spend hours and hours just checking out the lives of other people.  And trying to make your life look better to other people.

Being tagged in hideous pictures.  I love being the one behind the camera.    Because I know how basically impossible it is for me to look good in a picture.  You go into a party thinking you look like a princess, then later discover you really looked like an overdone asshole.  Thanks to the idiot that posted and tagged you in 50 awful pictures, the whole world gets to see that you looked like an overdone asshole.  As opposed to just the people who were actually at the party.

Trying to figure out all of the privacy settings so you are less stalkable.  Damn but they make it confusing to have some privacy on that thing.

All of the fucking changes they make as soon as you finally get used to the latest platform.  Need I say more?  Do I sound a little hostile?

Being defriended.  Well that just brings you right back to the days of getting kicked off the popular table in the lunchroom, doesn't it?

Hurt feelings.  It's hard to avoid the pictures of that great party you (just discovered you) weren't invited to, being that all of your friends seemed to have super fun party pics posted all over their pages.  Or you see an event that your kid got left out of.  Or nobody commented on that thing you thought was worthy of a comment.  Facebook opens up a whole new world of feeling left out/excluded.

And then, last week I wrote this little post about The 18 most annoying kinds of posts, which you can feel free to click on in case you missed it and are utterly intrigued by the title.

I'm leaving you with a clip from a funny post this guy wrote about the pros and cons of deleting your Facebook.  I have to share it with you because (a) I am very pro-pro and con lists, and (b) the whole article was damn funny.  You can thank me with your laughter.  And a raspberry daiquiri with whipped cream on top.  C'mon you know the drill.

"Pro: I will be an overall more productive person
Con: I will be a very bored productive person.

Pro: I will no longer have to read status updates from a girl in my high school about it being a beautiful day in Fresno today.
Con: I will no longer be able to laugh at status updates from a girl in my high school about it being a beautiful day in Fresno today.

Pro: I don’t know anything about my exes!
Con: I don’t know anything about my exes.

Pro: I will not have to field invitations from some event promoter about his party.
Con: I might miss an invite to an actual party I want to go to. And people won’t bother to tell me in person because they’ll assume I have a Facebook. OMG, we are just all technology’s bitch!

Pro: My family members on Facebook will no longer know about the times I get drunk and post a status update about it.
Con: There is absolutely no con to that.

Pro: I will no longer become unhealthily obsessed with people I don’t know.
Con: Strangers will no longer be able to get unhealthily obsessed with me.

Pro: I will have an air of mystery about me.
Con: People might forget that I exist."

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

That being said. And The Bachelor stuff.

Is it just me or does every other sentence on The Bachelor start with "That being said?"  I'm not sure why that is so annoying to me, but it is.  Maybe it's because I have a splitting headache that four extra strength Motrin won't even touch, and I'm a little cranky.

But wait.  More importantly, I'm pretty sure that I just outed myself as a Bachelor watcher.

Apparently I did.  And since I've already gone there, I may as well just keep on going.  So who picked Ben anyway?  I thought I liked him maybe a little.  I was iffy.  But as each week goes by I rethink that thought.  And his hair is on my last nerve.  I guess he has a couple of cool things going for him, he's tall, can play some mean David Gray on the piano, is a business owner... but I don't know - I think he's kind of a snore.  Not that everyone has to be "on" constantly, but just, I don't know, entertain me.  Entertain me with more than just make-out after make-out with every single girl there, back to back.  

I get that he has to test the chemistry, but sheesh, that is so rude!  He literally still has a lipstick smudge on his lip from one girl while he is face in hand kissing another girl.  Besides making out with two girls in the space of like 27 seconds, his face in hand kissing technique is very offensive to me.  Just kiss the girl!  Why do you have to be handling her face at the same time?  Like petting her face?  Ugh.  You know who was the worst Bachelor offender of that kissing technique?  The Seattle guy, Jason I think his name was.  Oh my word I almost had to stop watching that season because I couldn't take it anymore.

Well, I'm sure Ben's entertaining himself with all of that kissing.

Speaking of that, do you ever wonder what kind of contract these guys have to sign?  Like, what happens if you know, things get a little heated with all of that kissing beautiful people stuff?  Is there a cut off?  Like, does a guy step in and say, uh OK guys, settle down?  I wonder what the cutter offer guy's job title would be.  Ooh.  I know.  The C Blocker.  

Producer, Script Writer, Host, Sound Guy, C Blocker.  Job description:  the opposite of a Fluffer.

Sorry, I'm not saying the c word* out loud in print.  It looks too crude.  I'll just say it to your face.  Nah, probably I wouldn't say it to your face.  Not in mixed company anyway.  There are only a few swear words that are tougher to roll off of my tongue, and that's one of them.  I mean, I'll say it.  It just doesn't roll smoothly and effortlessly, like other swear words do.

Wow, there is a lot of jacked up emotion on that show.  In real life, do girls really cry like that over a guy that they barely know?  They are sobbing under the covers and hiding in corners and professing their love for this person, and I would venture a guess that they don't even know his middle name.  I'm sure they don't even know his Mom's name, or like, his favorite flavor of ice cream, or how he takes his whiskey.  Or if he even likes whiskey.

And yet here I sit, thinking about next week's episode and the skinny dipping that will be going on with the bitchy model.  Woo, beware of tons more jacked up emotion.  Those other girls are going to lose it. 

I'm embarrassed to say that I can't wait.

* The c word = ______ a-doodle-doo. Blank-a-doodle-doo.  Get it now?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Damn it. I guess it really is time.

Well.  It's time.  When I give my husband permission (and encouragement) to go ahead and berate me, I know it's time.  When my jeans suddenly feel like they are constricting all of my guts, not unlike a boa constrictor squeezing the life out of a mouse? cat? what does a boa constrictor constrict anyway? medium sized animal,  I know it's time.

Time to quit avoiding that asshole, the gym.  I've only been avoiding it for a little while!  I swear!  I've had some lackluster workouts since Thanksgivingish.  Don't judge me!  

It's really hard!  Am I the only person who thinks its really hard?

I like food.  Yeah, I said it.  I especially and particularly like all of the food that happens around this time of year.  Minus fruitcake and minced meat pie obviously.  By the way, what is minced meat pie?  Is it really a meaty pie?  Made out of like, actual minced meat?  I don't know for definite sure if I don't like minced meat pie because I never exactly tasted it.  But who has?  It just sounds gross, so I'm already sure that I hate it.

But all of the other stuff?  Yeah, that's the stuff that I like.  Like, Christmas cookies.  And Christmas cookie dough.  And pie.  And real home made whipped cream that goes on top of pie.  And butter cream frosting.  And turkey.  And smashed potatoes.  And soft warm rolls!  And festively wrapped candy.  And my very special and favorite coffee, extra light and sweet.  And appetizers!  Oh, I  could eat dinner of just appetizers.  Yummy appetizers are a real and definite weakness.

Feeling free to just eat and enjoy eating and relaxing during the holidays and stuff - that really was good in the moment, and I'm glad that I got to enjoy all of it, I am.  The moment was good.  But now, let's face it.  The moment is over.  Now, it's time to get back on track.  Time to get my sleeping-til-8:30-am-all-warm-and-cozy ass back to Planet Fitness.  Time to get my it's-really-kind-of-freaking-cold-out-there ass back out for regular night walks.  Time to get my I've-never-exactly-been-very-bendy ass back to trying to do some dumb yoga.

Yep.  It's time.  I think I hate when it's time.

The good news is, the scale actually doesn't show a gain.  The bad news is, I think the scale is a damn liar.  Because I feel lumpy and soft.  Lumpier and softer I mean.  Yeah, lumpier and softer.  And I also feel kind of sleepy and like I need fresh air in my lungs.

So, back to the gym and the good and long brisk walks that were turning into walk/runs.  Back to paying better attention to what I'm eating and how I'm eating.  Back to focusing on being healthier.

So there you go.  It's time, and I'm back.  That just happened.  Dammit.

Friday, January 20, 2012

five min purge

Friday Five Minute Brain Purge

Well guess what?  It's Friday and I'm not cranky!  What?!  I know!  Maybe it's the sunshine or something.  Even though it's cold, it looks sunny and you can't help but feel a little cheerful about sunny days.  It could also be about the upbeat tunes (have a little old R.E.M. going on).  So anyway, it's 11:30 in the  morning and I am just sitting here, wrapping up my very late breakfast, looking at the little layer of snow on my back porch sparkling in the sun.  I have had no desire whatsoever to get out there and walk lately, which I typically really like to do.  My regular exercise routine is all over the place and totally not consistent.  I better get on that before I'm sorry.  But it's so cold.  And I hate scarves because they itch my chin.  Maybe I need to wear a ski mask.  That might be a little weird though, to see a person walking all in black with a ski mask covering their face.  All of my workout stuff is black, including my coat.  I need a little color in my life.  Also, I need to not get hit by a car or get picked up by the police because I look like a burglar because I usually walk at night.  Hm.  Anyway, I made the best ever breakfast today.  I must say, I am a master at egg making.  I can't say that I am a master at much, but I can make a mean egg dish.  I scrambled up some egg whites and added spinach, tomato, scallions and cheese.  Sprinkled a little salt pepper and dill in there and it was awesome.  I love warm breakfast.   I have been moving crap around all morning because we got a bunch of new furniture and I have to rearrange.  It's hard moving big stuff by yourself.  Getting a bunch of new stuff may not be the typical road to purging and organizing, but it seems to be working for me.  I've been throwing crap out like it's nobody's business.  I've made more trips to the donation bin in these past few days than I have in months.  I reorganized and tossed a ton of crap from my kitchen and master bathroom and I am on a roll!  Bedrooms closets and dressers next.  WooHOO!

Well, five minutes is up.  Sorry this is such an erratic all over the place post.  All I can say about that is, welcome to my brain.  Happy Friday!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

please can't we just forget about these hideous trends?

Trends of 2011 that need to go.  I mean, srsly.  (That needs to go too - you know, irritating text speak)

Hair feathers -- I admit I let my girls each get one of these things.  Key words are little girls.  Grown women have no good reason to put feathers in their hair.  Unless they are trying to fly.  And I'm pretty sure they aren't.

Running feet shoes -- I happened to see these first on ScarJo in a magazine over the summer. and I was like, WTF is up with her foot?  I thought they were hideous then. And I still think they are.  Really, you have to admit that they are a little freaky.  They look like frog feet or something.  I will say that I have never actually tried them on.  They could be crazy comfy.  Scarlett should toss them like she tossed Sean Penn.  Or did he toss her?

Riding boots - Because what about the people who have fat calves?  I know, I know, everyone has these kind of boots, and I actually think they look cute and trendy and hipster, but if you have a larger lower leg, they are not exactly flattering.  So for all of the girls out there who have larger than average calves, I care.  I feel your pain.

Super sexy Halloween costumes - Actually, I am not opposed to sexy Halloween costumes.  Maybe I am opposed on them for me personally, but I don't really care if a grown up wants to go out there and rock the sexy Police-woman-in-a-short-skirt-with-her-boobs-hanging-out look.  Whatever floats your boat.  But I am largely opposed to sexy Halloween costumes for kids.  Not OK.  I should not see a sexed up kid walking in the Halloween parade at the elementary school.

Shape up shoes - Another one of those trends that I never exactly tried myself.  Maybe they are great.  But I just think they are not exactly the most stylish looking sneakers on the shelves.  They look like somewhat the orthopedic shoes that my grandmother used to wear in the nursing home.

Butt writing - I just do not get the appeal of advertising on the ass.  Sorry.

Pajama jeans - Really, you can't take the 30 seconds it takes to take off your PJ's and throw on a pair of jeans?  You really need to wear your nighties to the grocery store?  I suppose they are OK enough, and I get that being comfy is a great thing, but come on.

Super tall heels - You know, I'll eat my hat if you can find one person to tell me that walking on this ridiculous thing is comfortable.  One person.  I am not saying that they don't look hot, just saying that is your hotness worth the pain?  I guess it probably is.  But not mine.

Pejazzling - Well this whole trend is actually horrifying.  If you are not aware of what pejazzling is, I will be so kind as to fill you in.  It means you put jewelry, rhinestones, etc on your penis.  I'm so confused as to what would make this even remotely appealing.   I do not want to see rubies on your family jewels, and I don't know anybody else who does either.

Any crazy weirdo trends from 2011 that I haven't mentioned?

Friday, January 13, 2012

the 18 worst kind of Facebook posts...

Well, what do you know?  Another list.  This one has been in the making for a while now, because Cod darn it it there are so many offensive status updates out there.  The only problem is, if we got rid of these types of posters, who would I have left to mock?

The 18 most annoying kinds of Facebook posts

1. Mysterious woe is me sympathy bait post.  I can't stand the posts where people are begging you to comment, to pooh pooh them, to pat them on the back, head, ass and placate them.  For example:  "Trying to be strong after everything that happened today..."

2. The "I'm so physically fit" posts You know, those posters who want to make you feel like a lazy slob.  "Just did 8.234 miles up hill and in the rain in under 45 minutes!  Next, taking out the bike for a quick spin around town, and I'll probably have just enough time for an hour of yoga when I get back.  Hit me up if you want to shoot some hoops later!"  Um, nah, I'll just watch you while I eat this bag of Cheetos...

3. Disgusting weird TMI posts.  I promise you that nobody wants to see your kid's latest diaper bomb, the hugest poop you ever took proudly photographed in your toilet, or your placenta.  Please trust me when I say that nobody cares what your kid shat.  For example:  "Check this out!  I'm not sure what just happened, but Little Bobby just left a poop bigger than my arm in the toilet!" Sure friend, you just wait there while we all collectively throw up in our mouths... 

4. The passive aggressive post.  To me, some of the most annoying kinds of posters of all.  For example:  "Don't you just hate it when certain people can't give you the time of day, but somehow find plenty of time to help their other "friends" all weekend long? Wow.  Just wow."  Dude, certain people don't give you the time of day because you are a whiney bitch.

5. The spoiler alert poster.  Ugh.  You know how you Tivo'd that final episode of the Biggest Loser, so you could watch it after dinner on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?  Somewhere, one of your friends will have already posted, "OMG I can't believe Danny just won!!  Doesn't he look fantastic?" 

6. The fucking idiot.  "Imma be realllz witchu bitchezz rite now aiiight?  Dis shiiiit be off da hizzzle.  Wooorrrdddd."  Um, Imma slap your face, moron.

7. The "I'm-so-great-please-envy-me" posts.  For example:  "Fiji sure looks great from the Penthouse suite!  Ordering room service, then off to get some sun on the yacht.  Life is great!"  Yay!

8. The cheesy quoter posters.  Oh gag me please.  "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it's meant to be..."  posted of course by a picture of some bird flying off into the sunset.

9. The poster who wants to be sure that you know he is down with the 2000s and understands text-ese.  For example:  "ROTFLMAO at Jane 2nite!  :) Don't 4get to BYOB to the party!  C U all L8R!"  We get it buddy.  You're hip.

10. The inspirational post.  From the guy that you just know has those successory posters framed and hanging all over his house, you'll get one of these types:  "Success is not measured in how many times you fall, but how many times you get up after you fall."  Or something like that.

11. Weather complaint posts.  Omg.  Weather changes.  Sometimes it's hot.   Sometimes it's cold.  And sometimes, it's just right!  We all get it.  In winter, they post:  "It's freezing!  I hate this state!"  then, same poster in the summer, "If we get one more day of 90 degree weather I swear I'm going to move to the North Pole!"

12. The obscure poster.  The kind of poster who is dying for you to ask what the fuck they are talking about with an update like,  "And so it is."  Yes, yes it is, douche.

13.  The Facebook fighter.  Those online fights that you'd see between a couple.  Mortifying train wrecks.  "So Darren thought it was appropriate to text his ex-girlfriend over the weekend, then decided to go out and get drunk with some buddies for 6 hours Monday night while I stayed home with the kids.  I live a great life.  Not!"  Please, nobody wants to know...

14.  The backhanded complimenter.  This is the kind of poster who ultimately wants to make you feel like shit, that guy who just can't be happy for you without trying to bring you down a snitch. "Wow Brian!  Congrats on the huge promotion!  Hard to believe you're the same guy who peed his pants every day in second grade! LOL!"

15.  That doofus who still posts in the third person.  "Jocelyn is tired and sick and really wishes she could just go home and crawl under the covers til tomorrow."  Facebook has changed.  Roll with it.

16.  The dramatic threatener.  You know you've seen these kind of posts: "I hate all of this petty bullshit.  I'm deleting my account."  And then of course, they don't.

17.  The misguided campaigner.  Those people that constantly post things like, "If you truly care about helping animals that are being abused, repost this as your status!"  No, you fuck.  A Facebook status update will not help abused animals.  If you want to help abused animals, volunteer at the nearest ASPCA.

18. The horrifying PDA posts.  Please, oh please.  Someone stop these people from procreating.  "My honey is the cutest, sweetest lover boy out there.  Dumpling pudding sugar pie baby-poo, I love you soooo much!  You'll always be my Boo!  <3 <3 <3  I could never live without you! xoxoxoxoxo MUAH!"  I've officially vomited.

So, I'm sure I will have annoyed some Facebook Offenders with this post.  Sorry!  I couldn't help it.  I may actually have been an offender myself at one point.  Maybe.  But probably not.  Definitely let me know if there are any irritating post/ers that I've missed!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Words that blogger spellcheck thinks aren't really actually words. v1

Come on Blogger!  Get with the times!  The following words don't make it past Blogger's spellchecker.  And let's be real here, we all know that they are actual words.  So this is a part one.  Because there are so many more of these non-words to share. 

Asshat - A word combo - not sure why anyone would exactly need a hat for the ass, but it is pretty funny.  Admit it.

Blankie - Sooo, you guys at Blogger spellcheck never had a blanket that you carried around til it was nothing but a pile of strings?

Blogosphere - Really?

Blogoversary - Once again, really?

Cluttery - Any true fan of organizing knows that cluttery is a real word. 

Crotchal - Oh, this word has been around for like, ever.  You've never heard of the crotchal region?  As in, the region that your crotch is in?  If you're still not following, I can't go into any more detail.  Sorry.  Use your imagination.

Cyber - Whoa.  Now this one was a shocker. 

Ew - Ew has to be in the dictionary.  There can't be anyone on the planet who doesn't know what ew means.  I might even be willing to make a wager on it.

Ho-Bag - See the definition for slore below.  Kinda the same thing.

Hiney - Not a Heineken, you drunks.  Haven't you ever gotten a bare hiney spanking?  Uh.  Me neither.

Manscaping - Oh gross.  Really?

OMG - Like, oh. My. God.

Sheesh - You know, like, oh sheesh?  Some people might say jeez.

Snarky - This one is rather new to me, so I can understand if Blogger hasn't caught up yet.  I think it's a fancy word that people from Europe use instead of snippy, snooty or snotty.  Personally, I prefer snooty.

Skeevy -  Who doesn't know skeevy?  It's like, something gross or skin-crawley.  Obviously.

Slore - I am a huge fan of the word combo, obv.  Slut + whore = slore.  An admission: I rarely even say this because it's not a very nice thing to say.

Sucky - Now this is just getting ridiculous.

Wah - Oh, come on.

Wa(h)mbulance - See above.  And below for that matter.  Then, give it the old college try and figure it out.

Whiney - Any mom (or dad) out there knows this one.  You know, like because kids whine.  I think they're all born whiners.  You really need to curb that as soon as possible or your life as you know it will become really unbearable.  It's only a matter of time.

Wog - A combination of the words walk and jog.  Like a walk-jog.  Like a fast walk where you try to look like you're jogging but you're really not.  You're just walking fast moving your arms around a lot.  You're not kidding anyone.

And last but not least, trifecta!  I know, right??  My new favorite word?  Shocking.

I got tagged!

So I got tagged.  Pam at  The Empty Nest tagged me in this thing, so now I have to participate.  Because it's sort of list-ish, and I am pro-list.  And also because I like Pam.  And also because I have nothing else to blog about!  It's just a trifecta of good reasons!  I think I love the word trifecta.  I'm going to make an effort to insert it into more conversations.  

Anyway, The rules of this thing are:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you actually have to tag 11 peeps!

11 Random Things About Me:

  1. I love word games.
  2. Speaking of games, I suck at Sudoku and it drives me crazy because I want to be good at that dumb game.
  3. Every time I step foot in a hospital, I feel like it is where I belong - career-wise.
  4. I have a shoebox (more like a boot box) full of unfinished stories that will probably remain unfinished forever.
  5. I have a niece whose writing style I completely envy.  I wanna be like her.
  6. I like changing things up around the house for different holidays/seasons.
  7. Sometimes I feel like a bum because I don't have a "real" job.
  8. I don't think I have a skill to actually obtain a "real" job.
  9. I wish going on multiple yearly trips could be a real job.
  10. I have so many different style likes that I could never make it all work together in one house.  In other words, I need more houses.
  11. I think I want to flip a house.
And here are the questions that Pam wanted answers to:
  1. I am currently on a weight loss journey. What is your current journey?  My current journey.  OK.  I think I have one, and it is sort of a self-discovery journey.  That pretty much all I can say about that.
  2. Do you fear change, welcome it or do you simply not think about it?  I believe I alternately fear and welcome change.  I like to try new things, go new places and stuff.  But I do get afraid of making certain changes that might be big or hard or scary.
  3. How's your patience level?  I think I am pretty much the most patient person out there.  But then again, the most impatient.  I hate waiting for things that I want, which obviously makes me impatient.  But when it comes to kids and things that some other people may be ready to poke their own eyeball out over, I am ridiculously patient.
  4. Do you journal? Why or why not.  If you consider a blog a journal, then I journal.  I used to physically write in journals, like for years.  I quit about 20 years ago when I felt like I wasn't being honest to my own self in my writing, which is stupid.  Because why bother journaling for you if you can't even write difficult things out with honesty? 
  5. Do you have pets? If so, do you spoil them?  I do not have pets.  I always had a dog, up until my son developed allergies related to them.  I do want a pet.  And if I had one I am sure I would probably spoil it.  Reluctantly.
  6. Do you prefer a quiet night at home or a night out on the town?  Oh I so prefer a quiet night at home.  A quiet night at home is my idea of bliss.
  7. What is the last movie you saw at the theater?  The last movie that I saw at the theater was The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  I saw it this past weekend and found it to be a great, disturbing, brutally violent movie.
  8. Do you like sports? If so, what's your favorite?  I don't dislike sports.  I like watching my kid's sports.  I like playing or participating in certain individual sports I guess.
  9. Will you watch the Super Bowl this year?  If the Giants are playing, probably a little bit, but only because I have a husband and a son who would be all over it.  And I will definitely place a few bets and eat Super Bowl food.
  10. Did your team (if you have one) make it to the playoffs? I would say yes (NY Giants). And unfortunately, I had to ask my husband because I didn't even know.
  11. What about March Madness? Will you be filling out a bracket this year?  I am very ashamed to admit this for fear of public flogging and humiliation, but I have no idea what this even means. :)

OK, so here are the questions that I am asking:

1. What is your idea of a perfect date?

2. What would you consider your specialty as far as cooking is concerned?

3. Who do you admire and why?

4. If you could go back in time and change the outcome of one event in your life, what would it be?

5. What is one regret?

6. What do you consider yourself:  a city, country or beach person?

7.  Have you ever met anyone considered famous?

8.  What are the top 5 most played songs on your iPod?

9.  What is your favorite quote?

10. What was the worst job you ever had?

11. If money were no object, what one thing would you splurge on for yourself?

OK, so I am tagging 11 people, because I am a rule follower, and that's what the rules are telling me to do.  (OK fine, I am so not a rule follower)  Anyway, sorry if   you aren't into this kind of thing.  Don't feel any pressure to participate.  ALSO, I feel that Pam should answer these questions too because its only fair.  And also because I want to hear her answers to my questions.

1.   Gabe at In the Details
2.   Sheri at Laughing my Abs Off
3.   A fellow New Yorker whose name I do not exactly know over at The Six Fingered Monkey
5.   A funny Denver blogger at It was Dark, Stormy and I Lost my Serial Comma 
6.   Karen at Ow My Angst
7.   My pal Lazarus at The LG Report
8.   Beth at A Work in Progress
9.   Amber at Airing My Dirty Laundry
10. Josh Weed at The Weed
11. Jessie at MomVantage

So there you have it.