the 18 worst kind of Facebook posts...

Well, what do you know?  Another list.  This one has been in the making for a while now, because Cod darn it it there are so many offensive status updates out there.  The only problem is, if we got rid of these types of posters, who would I have left to mock?

The 18 most annoying kinds of Facebook posts

1. Mysterious woe is me sympathy bait post.  I can't stand the posts where people are begging you to comment, to pooh pooh them, to pat them on the back, head, ass and placate them.  For example:  "Trying to be strong after everything that happened today..."

2. The "I'm so physically fit" posts.  You know, those posters who want to make you feel like a lazy slob.  "Just did 8.234 miles up hill and in the rain in under 45 minutes!  Next, taking out the bike for a quick spin around town, and I'll probably have just enough time for an hour of yoga when I get back.  Hit me up if you want to shoot some hoops later!"  Um, nah, I'll just watch you while I eat this bag of Cheetos...

3. Disgusting weird TMI posts.  I promise you that nobody wants to see your kid's latest diaper bomb, the hugest poop you ever took proudly photographed in your toilet, or your placenta.  Please trust me when I say that nobody cares what your kid shat.  For example:  "Check this out!  I'm not sure what just happened, but Little Bobby just left a poop bigger than my arm in the toilet!" Sure friend, you just wait there while we all collectively throw up in our mouths... 

4. The passive aggressive post.  To me, some of the most annoying kinds of posters of all.  For example:  "Don't you just hate it when certain people can't give you the time of day, but somehow find plenty of time to help their other "friends" all weekend long? Wow.  Just wow."  Dude, certain people don't give you the time of day because you are a whiney bitch.

5. The spoiler alert poster.  Ugh.  You know how you Tivo'd that final episode of the Biggest Loser, so you could watch it after dinner on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?  Somewhere, one of your friends will have already posted, "OMG I can't believe Danny just won!!  Doesn't he look fantastic?" 

6. The fucking idiot.  "Imma be realllz witchu bitchezz rite now aiiight?  Dis shiiiit be off da hizzzle.  Wooorrrdddd."  Um, Imma slap your face, moron.

7. The "I'm-so-great-please-envy-me" posts.  For example:  "Fiji sure looks great from the Penthouse suite!  Ordering room service, then off to get some sun on the yacht.  Life is great!"  Yay!

8. The cheesy quoter posters.  Oh gag me please.  "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it's meant to be..."  posted of course by a picture of some bird flying off into the sunset.

9. The poster who wants to be sure that you know he is down with the 2000s and understands text-ese.  For example:  "ROTFLMAO at Jane 2nite!  :) Don't 4get to BYOB to the party!  C U all L8R!"  We get it buddy.  You're hip.

10. The inspirational post.  From the guy that you just know has those successory posters framed and hanging all over his house, you'll get one of these types:  "Success is not measured in how many times you fall, but how many times you get up after you fall."  Or something like that.

11. Weather complaint posts.  Omg.  Weather changes.  Sometimes it's hot.   Sometimes it's cold.  And sometimes, it's just right!  We all get it.  In winter, they post:  "It's freezing!  I hate this state!"  then, same poster in the summer, "If we get one more day of 90 degree weather I swear I'm going to move to the North Pole!"

12. The obscure poster.  The kind of poster who is dying for you to ask what the fuck they are talking about with an update like,  "And so it is."  Yes, yes it is, douche.

13.  The Facebook fighter.  Those online fights that you'd see between a couple.  Mortifying train wrecks.  "So Darren thought it was appropriate to text his ex-girlfriend over the weekend, then decided to go out and get drunk with some buddies for 6 hours Monday night while I stayed home with the kids.  I live a great life.  Not!"  Please, nobody wants to know...

14.  The backhanded complimenter.  This is the kind of poster who ultimately wants to make you feel like shit, that guy who just can't be happy for you without trying to bring you down a snitch. "Wow Brian!  Congrats on the huge promotion!  Hard to believe you're the same guy who peed his pants every day in second grade! LOL!"

15.  That doofus who still posts in the third person.  "Jocelyn is tired and sick and really wishes she could just go home and crawl under the covers til tomorrow."  Facebook has changed.  Roll with it.

16.  The dramatic threatener.  You know you've seen these kind of posts: "I hate all of this petty bullshit.  I'm deleting my account."  And then of course, they don't.

17.  The misguided campaigner.  Those people that constantly post things like, "If you truly care about helping animals that are being abused, repost this as your status!"  No, you fuck.  A Facebook status update will not help abused animals.  If you want to help abused animals, volunteer at the nearest ASPCA.

18. The horrifying PDA posts.  Please, oh please.  Someone stop these people from procreating.  "My honey is the cutest, sweetest lover boy out there.  Dumpling pudding sugar pie baby-poo, I love you soooo much!  You'll always be my Boo!  <3 <3 <3  I could never live without you! xoxoxoxoxo MUAH!"  I've officially vomited.

So, I'm sure I will have annoyed some Facebook Offenders with this post.  Sorry!  I couldn't help it.  I may actually have been an offender myself at one point.  Maybe.  But probably not.  Definitely let me know if there are any irritating post/ers that I've missed!