if you were hip, you wouldn't use the word hip.

I hate when people try too hard to be cool.  To be hip, to be with it.  Like it's so obvious when it's not authentic.


If you were hip, you wouldn't really use the word hip, would you?


I think actually being cool is having a mixture of confidence, authenticity and attitude.  Like, an "I don't care what you think of me," attitude.  And confident originality.


That's so not me.


I am not the least bit cool.  98.6% of the time I am pretty much a blundering idiot.

I'm not super confident, and I even though I might act like I don't care what you think of me, I really do on the inside.  Don't tell anyone.  But I do think I am very authentic.  So I guess by my definition, I am approximately 1/3 cool, 2/3 socially awkward.


Back in the day, when I guess I was semi-cool,  I felt like a fraud.  If I ever came off as confident or original, or like I had an attitude, it was totally from a different place than authentic.  It was good acting at its best, and that's pretty much it.

But who really is that confident anyway?  Does anyone really, truly not care what other people think of them?  We all have to have some measure of insecurity, somewhere.  Don't we? 

I remember when I was in high school, there was this girl.  She was so pretty, and so smart and so athletic.  She so looked like she had everything that any girl could want.  There was never a day that she didn't look great, pulled together, like everything was that easy.  She was cool.  I was quietly envious of her bold confidence, I wished I could be like that.  As grown ups, we are friends.  And she recently mentioned that she often felt very insecure.  It kind of shocked all of us in the room, because you never would have known that.  

So how is it that even though she was probably just as insecure as I was, she could walk into a room with her head up, daring anyone to mess with her, and I would make a conscious effort to slide quietly in, hoping nobody would notice me?

I don't know where confidence comes from.  Like I really don't.  Is it learned?  Is it just in you?

I really want my kids to be confident.  One of my kids right now just tries so hard to fit in, it's almost painful to watch.  This one will just be devastated at anything that could be considered a slight, that someone doesn't want to be friends, that that someone doesn't want to play.  The worst part is, this child of mine is very likeable, very fun, funny and original with lots of great thoughts and ideas. 

It's hard to sit by and watch.  I have no idea how to teach her to be confident.