shadows.bleh.

I had a lot of strong ideas about what it meant to be a mother, and how I was going to raise my daughter when I had her. I had all of the control because I was single and didn’t have to share her with anyone. Nobody else’s ideas had to be compromised with, nobody else’s traditions had to be accounted for, it was just me and her. And my life and her life were mixed up together and it became our life.

Things weren't easy. It was really hard sometimes. But being her mother was everything that I expected. The hard parts often times had to do with being lonely or being scared. Even though I liked that I didn’t have to share the parenting with anyone, I longed for someone, sometimes. Sometimes when it was dark and Kara was sleeping and I was by myself, the house quiet and peaceful around me, I would look outside into the deep darkness, and I would just cry lonely tears. It was worse if it was a clear night and the moon was bright enough to see the shadows on it. I would imagine that maybe the person that was supposed to be for me was looking at the same shadows on the moon, somewhere. Sometimes I went to bed when Kara did because it was easier to just sleep the hours away than to face the hours alone.


A lot of times I thought that I would never be able to give Kara a “real family,” and it made me feel sad and scared, and selfish for choosing to do things the way that I had. I would look at my sister and her husband, and I would be envious that I couldn’t give that to my child. I know Kara was envious of that too. My sister’s husband used to just automatically include Kara in a lot of things he did with his daughter – like he was her surrogate dad. But she always knew that he wasn’t hers. That hurt me, for her. And I knew it was my fault.


Kara was never at a loss for people who loved her though, and that was good. I have always felt lucky and grateful to have a family that was in my corner, who loved and accepted Kara, who accepted our situation. We got by. We did good. We made it.


I wonder sometimes what it would have been like, if I hadn’t been alone all of those years when I was so young myself. I wonder where I would be right now and how it would have made Kara a different person, if she had a "real family" when she was younger. 


I wonder who I would have grown up to be.