deal breakers part uno

Way back when I was single and (maybe) ready to mingle I had all of these ideas on what I would and would not accept in a guy, like as far as dating was concerned.  I pretty much think that everyone has a "type" that they are typically attracted to, but regardless of the type, there are just certain things that can't happen. Even if you fell into my particular "type" category, I was very easily bothered by seemingly simple things.


I wasn't trying to be shallow, but I just can't help that certain things immediately turn me off.  Usually once that line of turning me off is crossed, chances are slim to none that anyone will make it back over the line.


I didn't have like a written list or something that I actually referenced, but there were some definite deal breakers that rolled around in my head constantly that meant immediate shut down of potential first date, second date, or anything else.

Close talkers.  When someone that I don't know very well is way up in my mug, it kind of freaks me out.  First of all, I don't know where to look and I usually end up looking at your lips, which could look like I want to kiss you but really it's because I'm not great at holding eye contact up so close.  Too much deep eye contact weirds me out.  I don't like being looked at hard.  Also,  close talkers bring out my breath anxiety.  I have an issue with bad breath - not discriminatory, I worry about mine and someone else's.


(chronic)Bad breath.  Perfect segue, don't you think?  Incidentally, segue is such an annoying word, I only used it because I had to.  I apologize to those of you that agree with me.  It's very hard to feel like you are pronouncing it right.  So yeah, bad breath, obviously.  If we're chatting and you smell like you just ate a shit sandwich for lunch, I'm going to vomit.  Plus one can only talk while inwardly plugging their nose for so long.  If you have to worry about plugging your nose for the duration of an average relationship, that's just not a good thing.  And really, how hard is it to keep breath mints or gum on you in case you eat an onion or garlic or something?!


Low talkers.  I have actually been accused of being a low talker.  In my defense, I usually am only a low talker in uncomfortable situations or when I am particularly nervous.  So who am I to judge?  I have no idea, but I just can't handle having to say wha?  twenty times and/or nod and smile and pretend I heard what the person just said all night.  Who knows what I am nodding and smiling to??  You could have just confessed to me that you're a weirdo stalker who lives with your dead stuffed cat and eats toilet paper.  You have to admit, that could get dangerous. 


Loud talkers.  Huh.  What is it with me and the way people talk?  I have no idea, I just have never been attracted to the life of the party, the loud guy making jokes at other people's expense.  Loud people make me nervous.   I am actually more like a backward magnet to loud people.  But hey, if we are at the DMB concert, wall to wall people and it's just mass happy music chaos, you get a free pass.  There are times and places for loud (and/or close) talkers people.  Learn them.


People who make offensive grammatical errors.  I guess I sound mean and judgey.  I'm not trying to be!  But it so goes against my grain when someone talks stupid.  I am not going to sit there and correct you, but inwardly I am thinking, come on guy, you should know this!  This is simple English here.  If you made it past eighth grade you should pretty much have this down!  I have to add people who talk "gangster," or like if you're born and raised Brooklyn but you talk like you have a snooty British accent.  Fake people just irritate me.


Snuffley spitters.  Look, I get the fact that everyone needs to spit now and again, but really?  You honestly think snuffling and spitting gunk all over the sidewalk is kinda cute?  Yeah. No.


People who use hankies.  I am sorry.  I get that blowing your nose has to happen occasionally.  I hate nose blowing personally, but I hate sniffling too, so it's always a dilemma.  But my Cod.  Please, please don't use a hankie!!  Think about all of those disgusting snot germs just multiplying in your pocket as each second ticks by!!  UGH.   I think I just threw up in my mouth and I am not even kidding.


People who try to be all trendy.  Like really, I so appreciate an individual.  If everyone else is wearing parachute pants, but they aren't your thing, I'll totally respect you if you just wear those soft, broken in jeans that you love.  And really, not too many people can rock the parachute pants anyway, so don't sweat it.  Just wear the soft jeans, man.


People who are preachy.  I appreciate your right to voice your opinion very much, but if I don't share it,  please don't try to cram your beliefs down my throat.  I will listen to your opinion, but it's pretty doubtful that you will sway mine.  Pushing me on issues just ticks me off.


People who make fun of other people.  I'm fun. I like a little harmless chuckle at someone's expense like the next guy, but not in a mean spirited way.  Like if someone is walking by with toilet paper stuck to their shoe - that's kinda funny and worth a giggle.  We all know it.  But making fun of someone for things they have no control over is just so not OK.  It's cruel.  Major deal breaker.


Well go figure, this list has gotten kinda long and I haven't even scratched the surface.  What can I say??  I am particular!  Don't judge!  I will definitely have to do a part two in the near future.  Thank Cod I am not like, in the dating world, right?!