Just to be clear, I am not posting to trash and judge the mom, because that's just not what I do. I am posting to give you my opinion. Because I have one and I want to share it I guess.
If you haven't heard about it, the mom (who remained anonymous) went on the show to discuss the fact that she could never identify with her child. She was disappointed in her child because she didn't reach the typical milestones that children are supposed to reach timely enough, that her child didn't make good eye contact. She didn't like her child because she didn't sleep great and looked uncomfortable when playing or interacting with other kids. Basically, the mother didn't like her child because she didn't meet her expectations.
I really wanted to have some sympathy for her because I think (and know personally actually) that many moms today have this idealistic (and unrealistic) idea that somehow they will be able to be perfect mothers and have perfect children. They feel this pressure to show the world that they have it all together, all of the time.
That pressure comes from all sources of course, but I believe it comes mostly from inside of yourself. You are looking at that one mom who's kid never seems to throw a fit in the grocery store, the one mom whose five kids somehow sit quietly through church every week, the mom who just made the cutest cupcakes for the bake sale effortlessly, or the mom who always seems to breeze through the school with her child looking like she just came from a photo shoot.
And then you look at your child, who refused to wear the dress you put out for school, then smacked her brother's cereal bowl off of the table and dumped baby powder all over the bathroom floor. On purpose. And you feel like a failure. You feel like people are judging you, you're judging you, and you're like, what is wrong with me?
I had to learn that it's just not realistic to ever expect perfection. Type A or not, nothing in child rearing is ever going to be perfect. Nothing. So if you are going into parenting with that expectation, prepare to be disappointed. Prepare for the "poop-up-the-back of the onesie diaper explosion as you are walking out the door to an important meeting" moment. Because it's going to happen. If not poop up the back, certainly something equally unexpected. And gross.
So anyway, I wanted to be sympathetic. I really did. But then I heard what she had to say and I felt terrible. Not for the mother, but for her poor daughter. The one who has to suffer the ultimate rejection. I wanted to scoop her up and bring her home with me, and love her - regardless of her struggles.
I will say that I appreciated the mother's honesty. But I was devastated for her daughter. I am so not one of those perfect moms who has perfect children and a perfect marriage. I am not ridiculously happy radiating sunshine every moment of every day. So basically, this opinion is coming from a pretty imperfect person.
As a mom of four kids, there are definitely moments when I don't like something my child has done. Definitely. And there are definitely moments when I am disappointed in one of my children. But never have I been disappointed at who they are, or at what I got. And never have I felt a dislike for my child as a person. Sure, a dislike of an attitude, a moment, something that one of them has done. But never would I look at one of my children and wish that I got something else.
I think our kids are in many ways a reflection. Some things, some characteristics, are just intrinsic of course, but for the most part kids learn what they live. Parents are the single most important role models their children have.
I think it is cruel to tell your child that you don't like them. I do. I think those words from a parent cut deep, and they are words that will not really ever be forgotten. I think it is 100% acceptable to tell your child that you don't like something that they did or said. I'm not suggesting we sugarcoat life and give our children the impression that everyone is going to like them all of the time. But I sure do think we need to tell our kids that out of everyone in the world, we are always going to like them. Even if they do misbehave, even if they have trouble making friends, even if they mess up on a math test, even if they don't sleep well. I guess I feel like those are the moments when our children need to feel our like/love for them most of all.
What did you guys think?
I work with kids whose parents HATE them. It's so sad. Several of them have younger children who they dote on. I can't wait until they too become teenagers and see how they feel them. It's so sad.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. I always told my kids that I didn't like or appreciate or approve of things they did but NEVER that I didn't like/approve/appreciate them. The lovelies weren't perfect. I wasn't perfect. Hubs wasn't perfect. But they knew without a doubt that their dad and I loved them NO MATTER WHAT.
ReplyDeleteI think you used your words quite well in this post---I probably would have mentioned that I'd like to smack the mother...at the very least.
Jessica, you really know how to get to the heart of difficult matters.
ReplyDeleteThis post in particular is something every young mother should read.
The pressure, no matter where it comes from, is very real. I admit I've let it get to me far to often.
It's ok to say I love you but your behavior is driving me nuts right now.
But not liking my child because of it? That's scary.
wow--I'm going to have to read this article now, because I did NOT hear about it. There was a woman a few years back, who had written a book, and the gist of it was that she liked her kids a lot better when they got older, because she just couldn't relate to them very well when they were screaming/freaking little people who couldn't hold proper conversations :) I don't know--kids can be EXTREMELY difficult at times, as we know, but who would ever say they're disappointed in their kids for not reaching certain milestones? Oh, the shame.
ReplyDeleteYECH..what a twit. I'm revolted by her whole story (which I just read). She's trying to make her own disgusting attitude, coldness, and shamefulness sound like an eloquent journey to understanding. Give me a f*cking break.
ReplyDeleteUgh, the thought makes me sick to my stomach. I try my very hardest to let each of my children know that I love them SO much, and they are each so special to me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't see this article, and I'm a Redbook subscriber!But I wish I had.
ReplyDeleteSomething is wrong with that woman. Srsly. There are many, many times when my teenage daughter and I clash. She was an awesome baby and little girl but around age 8, she became crabby. Still, I love her dearly.
HOw sad that poor little girl will live with such a legacy. She'll never live that down! You're right, words like that cut unforgettably deep.Trust me, I know from experience.
I agree, Jessee. I think a mom's (and dad's) job is to be our child's cheerleader. Sure, they may not do everything right or perfectly. I sure don't. But I will always love my perfectly imperfect children. No. matter. what.
ReplyDeleteI do understand that mother's frustration a little bit because I think that we as parents hope our children can be BETTER than us. I know I would love that for my kids. When they exhibit some negative trait that I see in myself, it sometimes makes me cringe because I know where they probably got it from! But to say that you dislike your child? How can s/he not feel the crushing weight of that disapproval?
I have several adult friends who do not have good relationships with their mothers. It makes me so sad. I sure hope I haven't done anything that would ever make my children feel the same angry and hurt feelings that these women have towards their mothers, decades later.
Sorry, rambling...
hi, this is my first time here & i'm perusing your site & this one popped up.
ReplyDeletefrom the sound of it, that kid might have asperger's syndrom. the description matches & they can certainly be difficult to love at times.
how sad for the mom & for the kid.