friday 5

It's Friday and man, it's raining and cold!  I am definitely pro-autumn weather - it's my absolute favorite.  Today does not feel like autumn, which is the opposite of my favorite.  It suspiciously feels like pre-winter and I'm not loving it.

Anyway, the kids have the day off of school - go figure, after just three weeks back in session.  That is pretty freaking typical around here, there's got to be a scheduled day or two off every single month.  I'm sure the teachers and kids appreciate it, but I imagine it gets hard on the parents who have to work.

Originally, Alex had a soccer tournament scheduled for today and tomorrow, but they were cancelled because of the rain.  Bunch of babies.  A little rain never hurt anyone.  I'm mad!  I really wanted to watch those tournaments!

Even though it's like 3:00 in the afternoon, we've pretty much been in our pj's all day.  One of the best parts about a rainy, grey day is getting to be comfy and cozy and lazy all day.  The girls wanted to play Cake Boss, so they each made three cakes -  two three tiered cakes will be kicking around here soon enough.  Two three tiered cakes that I will have to try not to eat.  As soon as the cakes cool off, they are going to get decorated.  My kids love Cake Boss.  I'm thinking that they are going to be pretty surprised at how hard it is to actually decorate a cake.  Buddy sure makes it look effortless.

Time's up - I'm headed off for a nice warm bath.  Happy weekend guys!

school, encyclopedia salesmen and obligatory photos

So the kids are officially back in school!!!

YAHOO!! I mean, aww.

I saw the funniest picture somewhere of a mom standing in front of her garage door, first day of school.  The kids are all in their spanking new outfits with their overloaded backpacks weighing them down, and they're all frowning.  Looking cranky.

And the the mom is jumping up in the air with a huge smile on her face.  Even though it's a silly staged photo op, it's awesome.

So awesome in fact, that I think I might take a moment to try to find the picture to share with you.  Because really, we all know how giving and thoughtful I am.  

I'm back!  Internet/google magic made that task very quick and easy.  Quick little search and I found exactly what I was looking for.  How did I survive without google?

Heh, just like I remembered it.  I have a great memory.  Not really.

Speaking of The Google, how did we survive without it?  Remember encyclopedias?  Remember encyclopedia salesmen?

I totally remember them knocking on our door trying to guilt my mom, while looking deeply and meaningfully into her eyes for a full five seconds, into spending approximately 476 thousand bucks in easy installments of only 10 cents a day for ten years, on a massive set of hard covered encyclopedias that would "last a lifetime,""enable us to go to the college our choice," "live our lives to the fullest," etc.  You know, basically implying that without the encyclopedias, we would grow up to be nothing but homeless beggars, and it would be all her fault.  Hm.  Does 10 cents a day for ten years even add up to 476 thousand bucks?  *I'm guessing no... Probably I would have known if mom had bucked up and bought those freaking encyclopedias.

THANKS MOM.

Ah, good times...

Thank Cod for Google.  It's so free.  And let's face it, free is awesome.  And I would go so far as to suggest that I actually use Google every single day.  Because I have a lot of research and stuff to do on a lot of very important stuff.  You don't even know!

ANYwho, my kids are back to school!  They were looking forward to it, which is kind of typical.  They all came home happy enough - kind of blah and lame, but not crying.  So that's good.  They could have been a little more enthusiastic about it though!  Sheesh, I waited patiently all day to hear about their classes and new friends and stuff.  Stinking kids.

They looked cute though, (Except Alex who got the ugliest sneakers when he was out shopping with my mom.  THANKS MOM.  I never would have purchased such hideous kicks.  I've since offered him a hundred bucks to wear chucks to school for a week.  He's still debating, that little brat.  He says I don't know what's in style.  OH YES I DO, and it's definitely not UGLY sneakers.) so of course I'll share the obligatory back to school pictures of my kids because I know you're all dying to see those little punks of mine.  I've cropped out Alex's disgusting sneakers.  You can thank me later.

Alex & Meg, going into 10th and 6th grades

Alex & Meg & Brooke in her pj's

Brooke, going into 2nd grade

Brooke and Maizie the puppy

Hope all of your kids had a great first day back to school!


*FYI, 10 cents a day for ten years really only adds up to $3,640.  See?  I do know how to do math.  That is right, right?

15

My boy Alex turned 15 today...

Fifteen years of mischievous smiles, sparkly blue eyes, laughter, sweetness, silliness, love.

I do so love this boy of mine.

then...

now...

friday five

It's a little after noon, a good time for a five minute purge I guess.

The cleaning lady was here yesterday and damn, how is it that it already it looks messy-ish?  My kids don't start school for two more weeks, and I am looking forward to not feeling like I am picking up the same area 27 times a day.  Every single day, my son Alex will get a cup out, get himself some water, then leave the glass on some surface in the kitchen/great room area.  Then he gets annoyed when, in the process of moving around during the day, I put the cup in the sink or dishwasher.  I'm thinking he believes that we should leave the cup in a random spot for the entire day so that he can refill it as needed.

But I don't like random cups around all day.  Is that weird?  Maybe it's me.  It's probably weird. ::sigh::

You know what else is weird?  I hate having to say "my son" or "my husband" Alex when I am talking about them on my blog.  I know that I need to differentiate, but it's annoying.  When I talk about my son Alex to friends or at home, I call him Little Alex.  Except the problem is, he's big now.  He's taller than his Dad and taller than me.  Everyone used to call him baby Alex. Aw.

Sometimes I wish I could go back for just one day, with my kids being little babies or toddlers.  I think during the moments when you have a few little kids, life seems hectic and busy and rushed and stressy, and you tend to get through the days more than just enjoy them.  I wish I could have a day to just sit there and watch them discovering things and making their way, and enjoy them.

Good thing time's up, because I may or may not need to go get a tissue.  What?  It's just dust.  I have a little dust in my eye...

do you like your kids?

Did you see that clip on the Today Show this morning with the mother who wrote an article in Redbook about the fact that she didn't/doesn't like her daughter? 

Just to be clear, I am not posting to trash and judge the mom, because that's just not what I do.  I am posting to give you my opinion.  Because I have one and I want to share it I guess.

If you haven't heard about it, the mom (who remained anonymous) went on the show to discuss the fact that she could never identify with her child.  She was disappointed in her child because she didn't reach the typical milestones that children are supposed to reach timely enough, that her child didn't make good eye contact.  She didn't like her child because she didn't sleep great and looked uncomfortable when playing or interacting with other kids.  Basically, the mother didn't like her child because she didn't meet her expectations. 

I really wanted to have some sympathy for her because I think (and know personally actually) that many moms today have this idealistic (and unrealistic) idea that somehow they will be able to be perfect mothers and have perfect children.  They feel this pressure to show the world that they have it all together, all of the time.  

That pressure comes from all sources of course, but I believe it comes mostly from inside of yourself.  You are looking at that one mom who's kid never seems to throw a fit in the grocery store, the one mom whose five kids somehow sit quietly through church every week, the mom who just made the cutest cupcakes for the bake sale effortlessly, or the mom who always seems to breeze through the school with her child looking like she just came from a photo shoot.

And then you look at your child, who refused to wear the dress you put out for school, then smacked her brother's cereal bowl off of the table and dumped baby powder all over the bathroom floor.  On purpose.  And you feel like a failure.  You  feel like people are judging you, you're judging you, and you're like, what is wrong with me?

I had to learn that it's just not realistic to ever expect perfection.  Type A or not, nothing in child rearing is ever going to be perfect.  Nothing.  So if you are going into parenting with that expectation, prepare to be disappointed.  Prepare for the "poop-up-the-back of the onesie diaper explosion as you are walking out the door to an important meeting" moment.  Because it's going to happen.  If not poop up the back, certainly something equally unexpected.  And gross.

So anyway, I wanted to be sympathetic.  I really did.  But then I heard what she had to say and I felt terrible.  Not for the mother, but for her poor daughter.  The one who has to suffer the ultimate rejection.  I wanted to scoop her up and bring her home with me, and love her - regardless of her struggles.

I will say that I appreciated the mother's honesty.  But I was devastated for her daughter. I am so not one of those perfect moms who has perfect children and a perfect marriage. I am not ridiculously happy radiating sunshine every moment of every day.  So basically, this opinion is coming from a pretty imperfect person.  

As a mom of four kids, there are definitely moments when I don't like something my child has done.  Definitely.  And there are definitely moments when I am disappointed in one of my children.  But never have I been disappointed at who they are, or at what I got.  And never have I felt a dislike for my child as a person.  Sure, a dislike of an attitude, a moment, something that one of them has done.  But never would I look at one of my children and wish that I got something else.

I think our kids are in many ways a reflection.  Some things, some characteristics, are just intrinsic of course, but for the most part kids learn what they live.  Parents are the single most important role models their children have. 

I think it is cruel to tell your child that you don't like them.  I do.  I think those words from a parent cut deep, and they are words that will not really ever be forgotten.  I think it is 100% acceptable to tell your child that you don't like something that they did or said.  I'm not suggesting we sugarcoat life and give our children the impression that everyone is going to like them all of the time.  But I sure do think we need to tell our kids that out of everyone in the world, we are always going to like them.  Even if they do misbehave, even if they have trouble making friends, even if they mess up on a math test, even if they don't sleep well.  I guess I feel like those are the moments when our children need to feel our like/love for them most of all.

What did you guys think?

i think i will just go cry now.

So.  There you have it.  My last baby, out the door into the big bad world of mean kids and naughty words.

I hate this day.

But I smiled and pretended I was happy.  And I went upstairs to put some medicine on my ugly fever blister.  I never get fever blisters -- it is a stress fever blister, I just know it.  I haven't slept well all week.  I can't believe I am all alone.

So I have the traditional kid at the front door with their back pack pictures coming up.  Feel free to click to a more interesting blog at any point . . .  

Forgive me the lame post today, I am drowning my sorrows in a cup of hazelnut coffee, wondering how my little peanut is doing in Kindergarten... 

Brooke (K), Brenna (4th), Megan (4th)

Meg, 9 years old

Brenna, 9 years old

Brooke, 5 years old

Brooke and Daddy

one last snuggle of the blankie... (sniffsniff)

well... there you have it.

I think I will go cry now.

Two catch-all phrases that pretty much cover everything

I have a few go-to phrases that generally cover almost everything - I find that using either of them makes it kind of hard for my kids to talk back to me or have a fresh remark in response.

The first, and most often used is : "I'm sorry you feel that way."

This works especially well in instances where you're trying to keep your child from having a melt-down in the now. 

Here are a few examples of various goings-on in our house where that phrase is applicable:

Alex: "Mom -- I am going to ride my bike up to Tom's Ice Cream!" (4.5 miles away, on a heavily trafficked highway)

Me: "Oh no you're not."

Alex: "Why??!  Chris' Mom said he could go!"

Me: "Because it's a highway, and you are twelve and it's dangerous even for people that don't ride no-handed while standing up."

Alex: "That's not fair!!"

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then there's not much else for him to say, is there?  Maybe he can throw in one more "That's not fair," for good measure, but really - there is nothing left to say.

(do you think she's mad about something?)

Megan: "Can blahblah sleep over tonight?"

Me: "Not tonight. You know I can't stand sleepovers."

Meg: "Gracie's mom always lets her have sleepovers!  You never let me have sleepovers!"

Me: "It's no secret that sleepovers are not my favorite Megan."

Meg: "That's not fair!"

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

stompstompstomp.  You get the picture.  Really, it's kind of a conversation ender.  You are empathizing with their distress, without giving in.  You don't engage in an argument.  Again, you might get a random, "That's not fair!"   But for the most part, it works. 

The second most often used phrase/comment from me is: "Interesting."  It sounds simple, but in many instances, it can completely halt a rapidly deteriorating conversation that doesn' need to be addressed right then and there.

Alex: "Next year, I don't care if you say no, I am going on the overnight field trip to Boston!"

Me: "Hmmm.  Well that's Interesting."

There you have it.  What could his response to that possibly be?  Once again, you respond calmly, you don't engage, and you end the conversation without a tiff.  I often choose this kind of response when there is plenty of time to wait before you need to go down that road anyway. 

Brooke: "I don't want to take a shower tonight because nobody takes a shower and I'm hungry and I took one yesterday!"

Me: "Interesting. Get your buns in the shower."

or,

Meg: "I can't wait til next summer when I can jump off the bridge!"  (into a lake nearby)

Me:  "Hmmm.  Interesting."

See?  I am not saying "No way, Jose - you will not be jumping off that bridge in your lifetime,"  because really, what's the point in even going there when she could potentially forget all about that desire by next summer?

There you have it.  Give them a try and let me know how it works out for you.

** I'm participating in Java's Follow Friday 40 and Over.  If you have a sec, come on over and check it out on her site Never Growing Old.  Can't get her little box-thing to post, so I guess this little notation will have to do!

huge aspirations

Me: "Kieran, what do you think you want to be when you grow up?"

My (almost) 15 year old nephew Kieran: "Well, I am pretty sure that I will be a theoretical physicist.  Either that or a professional soccer player."

Me: "What about you Axe?"

My (almost) 13 year old son Alex: "I'm definitely going to be a professional magician.  And a poker player."

My baby is FIVE today!

Brooke's birth was really scary, and I remember it like it was yesterday.


I remember asking Alex to sleep on the couch because he was sick and snoring so bad it was driving me crazy.  I had been having hard, hard Braxton Hicks contractions all day and night and I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.  We were scheduled for an induction in two days because of my climbing blood pressure.


I remember getting up really early in the morning, it was still dark.  As soon as I stood up, I thought my water had broken, but I was actually bleeding.  A lot.  All over the place.  I whispered urgently down to my sleeping husband, and he immediately heard me and came running upstairs.  We called my sister Ali to come clean up while we rushed up to the hospital, because I knew if any of my kids came into my room and found me gone with blood all over the place they would panic.  She practically pushed us out the door because she thought something was really wrong.


I was unsure of what was going on.  I had never had my water break outside of the hospital bed, and I felt dumb and didn't know if that was normal - if that is what the fluid was supposed to look like. 


As soon as we got to the hospital I was put on a monitor and things weren't looking so great.  My doctor who I love came in and said we were going in for a C-Section.  His voice is very flat, like he has no inflection and he never looks worried, it's very hard to read him.  So I said, "But this is not that big of a deal right?"


And he rubbed his handlebar mustache and said with his flat voice, "Well, it's a pretty big deal. The baby is in distress."  So I cried  a little because I was scared. 


Things happened fast after that.  I pretty much immediately went in.  There was no time for my family to get there, it was just me and Alex.  Then my sister Ali arrived, but she had to wait outside.  I never had a baby by myself - it's always been a big family gathering, so it was very different.

In the operating room, Alex came in with his scrubs on, and I was still scared and I thought what if I die.  I didn't get to say goodbye to my kids.  The anesthesiologist was great and made me feel more relaxed.  Then Dr. Clark came in and they took my little Brookie right out of me.  It was so fast and it felt so strange while it was happening.  So totally different from a typical birth.

Brooke had a perfect little round head with striking blond hair.  She was good and healthy and I felt so grateful.  The nurse showed us her umbilical cord and it had a very, very tight knot in it.  They photographed it because it was so unusual.  They told us that if we had come in the next day for the scheduled induction, it probably would have been too late, because her oxygen supply was cutting off with the knot in the cord.  They told us I had Placenta Abruptia.


She was perfect.  I couldn't stop looking at her. 

Every day something that little peanut does makes me smile.  She is so sweet and tries so hard to be big. 

I just love that kid, my little Brooke Allison.  I can't imagine my life without her.

 

Do-Over

Someone just asked me, "If you had one do-over in life, what would it be?"  and there is no way I could come up with just one answer.  Because there are so many moments that I would love to be able to do over, just because wondering about different outcomes is something that totally consumes me at times.

But I often think that those things that maybe I regret, or are embarrassed about, or just plain want to forget kind of brought me to where I am right now.  Sure, I wish I could do over that mortifying car ride home from a concert at SPAC with my sister Jen, one of her old boyfriends and one of his friends -- I mean, in reality, if I could do that night over I sure would feel a whole lot less like a loser, but in the scheme of things, that night of misbehaving and drinking too much would never change anything about my life now.  Except maybe if that night never happened I could tolerate the smell of rum a little better.  But let's not go there.

I like to think that even the things that I regret and am embarrassed about have taught me something.  

One for sure do-over would be not caring more about college options, and not putting more of an effort into school work in general even, way back in the day.  I know I would definitely care more if I could do that over.  I just kind of accepted mediocrity, did not push myself to excel, and sort of gave up as far as school was concerned.  I slid by under the radar and totally accepted the B's.  I figured, at least I was passing without too much effort.  But that laziness drives me crazy now, as an adult.  If I had tried even a little bit, I could have done so much more!  Now, I mostly feel like that ship has sailed, and that makes me sad.

I also wish I could have a do-over with some relationships that I had in the past.  Like with people who I didn't treat as well as I should have, or people I never should have wasted my time on... if I could do some of those over, I would.  Definitely.  I hate that I sabotaged some of the best relationships over my own fears, that I accepted sub-par treatment from both boyfriends and girl friends, that I threw away opportunities of real and lasting friendships with people that were good and kind and loving.  There really are people that I wish I could go back to, as a mature grown-up vs. a selfish kid, and just apologize to.

Most of all though, if I could have any do-overs, it would be certain quiet moments with my kids when they were little.  What I wouldn't give to lay in bed with Kara while she drank a milk ba-ba, and rubbed her pacifier on her cheek, or rock Meg while she twirled her soft curls into little knots, or sit with Alex while he happily splashed in the kitchen sink "bath," or scratch Brookie's arms and sing her lullabies while she tried to go to sleep...

Oh yes, I would love a do-over with those moments, but only so I could thoroughly enjoy and appreciate them for what they were. 

tractors and levitating

Last night at our house:

"Thanks for dinner Mom.  I'm going out front to ride my tractor for a while."  the 4-yr-old girl.

"I'm going upstairs to practice levitating." the 12-yr-old boy.

"Well, I guess I'll just go to my room then." the 21-yr-old girl.

chores and stuff

Well, summer has officially started...  Seemed like school got out late this year, the very end of June!  I was thinking about my kids, what we will do this summer, how it's all going to play out.  The one thing that I don't want is chaos. 

Me+chaos does not = happiness.

So I don't want to be all crazy, and make all sorts of lists (I love lists), but I do want to have some semblance of a structure.  I think that it's just as good for the kids as it is for me.  I also like feeling that nothing is etched in stone, we can change it up and go with the flow, but if we at least have some type of plan, things will go smoothly.

So I decided that every night after the kids go to bed, I am going to write a few chores for them that they have to do before they go outside and play the next day.  Nothing extravagant, like Brooke's chores for yesterday were: Make bed, put away clean clothes, water indoor plants.  That's not a big deal during summer vacation, right?

I am a firm believer of chores and responsibilities around the house. UNPAID  (gasp!) chores and responsibilities around the house. I really, really, really think that everyone should pitch in, and do it well and do it right the first time.  And if everyone can get them done without complaining I consider it a victory.

I honestly believe that giving our kids chores and tasks help them in their lives, helps shape and mold them into responsible, helpful and hardworking adults.  I mean, if Alex goes off to college, and doesn't know how to throw in a load of laundry, or gets invited to a (future) girlfriend's house for dinner and doesn't clear his own plate, I feel like I have failed some way in his upbringing.  Sure, I could put away Brooke's clothes and her drawers would look nicer, I could make her bed and it would probably be perfect (oooh I do love a perfectly made bed), but if I did that, if I did everything, the kids would feel less of a part of our family, they would feel more entitled to having other people do things for them, and in turn would not learn how it feels to be proud of an accomplishment or completing a task.  I think part of my job as a mom is teaching these guys how to make it in the world, and yes, that means chores and responsibilities.  Because we all have them, don't we?

And also, I hate feeling like the maid.

So what do all of you guys do?  Do I sound like a mean old Mom who could possibly be ruining the fun of vacation by having my kids do a few regular chores? 

Father's Day

Every time I look at this picture, it makes me think of my boy, and how much he has given me, and how grateful I am to have him in my life.  How grateful I feel because our kids have him for a Dad.