I remember being little, and laying in bed with my sister Ali and begging her to teach me how to burp. I just couldn't get it. She could burp so great and loud and she could burp words and the partial alphabet.
I really was jealous.
So I practiced and practiced. I could never get the concept of swallowing air and it drove me crazy. Kind of similar to my quest to be a great whistler, just a little more on the crude side.
I'm not sure at what point it was that I unintentionally became a great burper. But yes, it happened. Yes it did.
I love to burp.
My mother yells at me (I am 40 Mom!) and tells me she hopes that I accidentally burp when I am with a group of important people. My daughter Kara glares at me every time I burp, and pretends to throw up. My son high fives me. Sometimes I hear "nice one!" from one of the kids nearby, which just validates my skill.
But the most embarrassing thing recently happened, so I might as well just put it out there for all the world to see.
My husband called me from work -- we chit chat briefly a few times a day, so no big deal. Here is how the conversation went for your viewing pleasure:
Me: "Hello?"
My husband: "Hey hon, what are you doing."
Me: "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP. Nothing"
Fumble fumble fumble, then my husband: "Oh. My. God! You were on speaker phone and my door is open!"
Me, feeling a little mortified but defiant: "Well that's what you get for calling me on speaker phone!"
I am laughing just thinking about how funny it sounded, not the burp - my husband fumbling to pick up the phone really fast - like he could possibly cut me off in mid-burp.
Not one of my finer moments I guess.
Yeah well, he never called me on speaker phone again.
Have you ever said something that you meant to be innocent and it came out ALL wrong?
Back when the little kids were really little, I owned and operated a pre-school. This couple that I had never met before signed up their daughter, and I really liked them. They were transplants, as us locals call anyone not born and raised in our dinky little one-light country town.
Anyway, when I first met them, I was a little intimidated by them for some reason. Don, the husband, reminded me a bit of my B-i-L John, as they are both Long Island boys and had the same way about them. He is very straightforward, lets just say, which always has a way of getting me flustered. His wife Raina seemed smart and educated, but also came off like she wouldn't take any crap.
Not that I was handing out crap or anything. But yeah, I was intimidated by them.
So anyway, as I got to know them, I really liked them -- they were really nice. Except Don is a kisser. He works away from home every other 6 weeks or so, and when he'd come back, he'd be the one to drop off and pick up his daughter from pre-k. So pretty much every time he'd get back from working his 6 week run, he'd greet us warmly and go in for a smooch. Cheek kiss of course. So one day when that happened, I for some reason turned my face and ended up getting a mouth kiss. Let's just say I was mortified. And not just because I had coffee breath. When I saw Raina later, I had to explain that I didn't mean to try to make out with her husband at pre-school. Ugh. They all seemed to think it was pretty funny.
Another time, my sister Ali (who worked for me at the time) and I were standing there chatting about these fun games we had been playing lately, like board games. We were loving Taboo and Scrabble and stuff. We were thinking about planning a get-together with some friends to have a game night, and we decided that we'd invite Don and Raina. So anyway, Don comes in, and I casually say to him, "We were wondering if you wanted to come over and play some adult games sometime."
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I could feel my face turn bright red and Ali burst out laughing. Don of course made some witty remark while I silently hoped a flash flood would come and carry me somewhere far, far away. Of course I stammered some dumb thing about "No! Not ADULT games! You know, like games that are only for ADULTS!"
Yeah, that didn't sound any better.
Someone just asked me, "If you had one do-over in life, what would it be?" and there is no way I could come up with just one answer. Because there are so many moments that I would love to be able to do over, just because wondering about different outcomes is something that totally consumes me at times.
But I often think that those things that maybe I regret, or are embarrassed about, or just plain want to forget kind of brought me to where I am right now. Sure, I wish I could do over that mortifying car ride home from a concert at SPAC with my sister Jen, one of her old boyfriends and one of his friends -- I mean, in reality, if I could do that night over I sure would feel a whole lot less like a loser, but in the scheme of things, that night of misbehaving and drinking too much would never change anything about my life now. Except maybe if that night never happened I could tolerate the smell of rum a little better. But let's not go there.
I like to think that even the things that I regret and am embarrassed about have taught me something.
One for sure do-over would be not caring more about college options, and not putting more of an effort into school work in general even, way back in the day. I know I would definitely care more if I could do that over. I just kind of accepted mediocrity, did not push myself to excel, and sort of gave up as far as school was concerned. I slid by under the radar and totally accepted the B's. I figured, at least I was passing without too much effort. But that laziness drives me crazy now, as an adult. If I had tried even a little bit, I could have done so much more! Now, I mostly feel like that ship has sailed, and that makes me sad.
I also wish I could have a do-over with some relationships that I had in the past. Like with people who I didn't treat as well as I should have, or people I never should have wasted my time on... if I could do some of those over, I would. Definitely. I hate that I sabotaged some of the best relationships over my own fears, that I accepted sub-par treatment from both boyfriends and girl friends, that I threw away opportunities of real and lasting friendships with people that were good and kind and loving. There really are people that I wish I could go back to, as a mature grown-up vs. a selfish kid, and just apologize to.
Most of all though, if I could have any do-overs, it would be certain quiet moments with my kids when they were little. What I wouldn't give to lay in bed with Kara while she drank a milk ba-ba, and rubbed her pacifier on her cheek, or rock Meg while she twirled her soft curls into little knots, or sit with Alex while he happily splashed in the kitchen sink "bath," or scratch Brookie's arms and sing her lullabies while she tried to go to sleep...
Oh yes, I would love a do-over with those moments, but only so I could thoroughly enjoy and appreciate them for what they were.
