Do-Over

Someone just asked me, "If you had one do-over in life, what would it be?"  and there is no way I could come up with just one answer.  Because there are so many moments that I would love to be able to do over, just because wondering about different outcomes is something that totally consumes me at times.

But I often think that those things that maybe I regret, or are embarrassed about, or just plain want to forget kind of brought me to where I am right now.  Sure, I wish I could do over that mortifying car ride home from a concert at SPAC with my sister Jen, one of her old boyfriends and one of his friends -- I mean, in reality, if I could do that night over I sure would feel a whole lot less like a loser, but in the scheme of things, that night of misbehaving and drinking too much would never change anything about my life now.  Except maybe if that night never happened I could tolerate the smell of rum a little better.  But let's not go there.

I like to think that even the things that I regret and am embarrassed about have taught me something.  

One for sure do-over would be not caring more about college options, and not putting more of an effort into school work in general even, way back in the day.  I know I would definitely care more if I could do that over.  I just kind of accepted mediocrity, did not push myself to excel, and sort of gave up as far as school was concerned.  I slid by under the radar and totally accepted the B's.  I figured, at least I was passing without too much effort.  But that laziness drives me crazy now, as an adult.  If I had tried even a little bit, I could have done so much more!  Now, I mostly feel like that ship has sailed, and that makes me sad.

I also wish I could have a do-over with some relationships that I had in the past.  Like with people who I didn't treat as well as I should have, or people I never should have wasted my time on... if I could do some of those over, I would.  Definitely.  I hate that I sabotaged some of the best relationships over my own fears, that I accepted sub-par treatment from both boyfriends and girl friends, that I threw away opportunities of real and lasting friendships with people that were good and kind and loving.  There really are people that I wish I could go back to, as a mature grown-up vs. a selfish kid, and just apologize to.

Most of all though, if I could have any do-overs, it would be certain quiet moments with my kids when they were little.  What I wouldn't give to lay in bed with Kara while she drank a milk ba-ba, and rubbed her pacifier on her cheek, or rock Meg while she twirled her soft curls into little knots, or sit with Alex while he happily splashed in the kitchen sink "bath," or scratch Brookie's arms and sing her lullabies while she tried to go to sleep...

Oh yes, I would love a do-over with those moments, but only so I could thoroughly enjoy and appreciate them for what they were.