Somewhere out there is a really really funny blog post that this lady wrote about 23 things she has learned so far in her lifetime. I have searched and googled and binged and for the life of me, I can't seem to find it. It was hilarious. And it gave me the idea for this post. I wish I could find it to share with you.
Twenty Three Things that I have Learned:
One: Those new hand dryer things are very blowy. Seriously, some of the new ones are like industrial strength and they absolutely have the power to flip your dress up Marilyn Monroe style. However, it is very amusing to watch that crazy strong air moving the skin on your hands around.
Two: Just let your kid wear the fringed pleather cowboy boots with the tacky Christmas dress to school if she really wants to. Or also in my case, the full on sparkly ballet costume including matching headdress thing. Because in the scheme of life, who really cares? If it makes your kid feel happy and awesome, that definitely matters more than your mild embarrassment over the double takes and weird looks. Trust me, other parents totally get it. I promise you they do not think you picked that hideous outfit out.
Three: Appreciate your skin when it is flawless and young. Because there will come a time when your kids ask you if you're mad every day because your wrinkled forehead totally looks like a scowl. There is virtually no way to keep it as great as it was in your twenties. So love it, and take care of it while you can.
Four: In keeping with that theme, also appreciate and take care of your bod when its young and tight and cute. You can't fight gravity and age, but you can slow the hands of time a little. Take my word for it, it fucking sucks to hear, "Mommy, why do you have those dents in your leg?" Slather up with sunscreen and good lotion now and it will pay off later.
Five: You know that little "ass practically on the ground" squat that two-year-olds can get into, and stay into for the duration of an entire episode of Dora the Explorer? Yeah, don't attempt that. Or if you do, definitely have somebody stronger than a two-year-old nearby to help you get up off the floor. Because I think the ability to hold that squat goes away somewhere around the same time as the your amazing skin and tight bod. Also, I'm pretty sure that the same goes for attempting cartwheels and herkies when you're old enough to have a teenager.
Six: When you've been standing on line to get into Test Track at Epcot for an hour and fifteen minutes with cranky annoying kids and sweat on your brow, and you notice that the guy in front of you all of a sudden is chatting heavily with a girl that just "happened" to walk by, please recognize that you just got scammed with the traditional "chat and cut" move that sly people try to use to jump the line. How you choose to deal with that offense is entirely up to you.
Seven: A snore now will be a snore later. It doesn't matter if they are freaking adorable and a great kisser. If you have nothing in common (besides the great kissing), nothing to talk about and the person is just plain boring, you will never be able to change that.
Eight: You don't have to be fall off the bar stool drunk, but let's faced it, talking to certain people is just way more tolerable with alcohol in your system. I'd say a mellow three drinks or so should do the trick if you need a buffer.
Nine: And on that note, never drink a double bottle of cheap wine by yourself. Unless you were planning on throwing up in, on or near your bed, and having the worst fucking hangover of your life the next day.
Ten: There are two kinds of people in the world: party makers, and party fillers. If you're fun to be around, chat and generally have a good time, you're probably a maker. If you stand there looking at your drink and the clock and talking on your cell phone the entire party, you're probably a filler. You should really figure that out.
Eleven: Everybody needs somebody. Be a somebody. It feels really good.
Twelve: Small hands and feet don't necessarily mean anything other than you have small hands and feet. Give the guy with the little fingers a chance, he may just surprise you.
Thirteen: You can pretend you don't hear that awful thumpy bumping a car makes when the tire is flat because you don't want to deal with the fact that your tire is flat, but pretending something doesn't exist won't make it not exist. You have to deal with shitty things sometimes, just get it over with now, because it only gets worse the longer you wait.
Fourteen: Perfection doesn't actually exist. So quit knocking yourself out trying to find it or be it.
Fifteen: If you quit something to avoid failure, you've pretty much actually failed.
Sixteen: Ridiculously good looking guys are dicks. I don't mean to generalize on an entire population, but I would venture a guess that it is true approximately 97% of the time. It has to be a proven scientific fact somewhere. Because there's just no denying that when you're extremely attractive, you get away with much more. And it's a rare person that can be hot and humble and nice and sweet all at the same time.
Seventeen: Recognize that you can't make everyone happy. Sometimes, you just need to worry about what makes you happy. And that's OK. Really.
Eighteen: Good looks will only get you so far, and that stuff eventually fades. Smart and kind and genuine usually lasts forever. Seek those kind of people and surround yourself with them. Better yet, be one of those kind of people.
Nineteen: Realize that nobody is looking at you and nobody cares. And if they are looking and they do care, it's none of your business what they are thinking anyway. If you don't do things because you are worried about what people might think or say, or you're afraid you'll look stupid or mess up in front of someone, you're tossing away potential valuable experiences. When someone dies, you don't usually hear people say, "Remember that time when she was so pretty..." You hear, "Remember that time when she totally went for it and ended up hitting a home run?"
Twenty: Don't leave things on the table. Too many times people walk away from a situation and say, "I should have..." and feel regret. Regrets suck.
Twenty One: Trust people. Life is hard if you have a green pit of worried jealousy in your stomach all of the time. If someone is going to deceive you, its going to happen whether you're up their ass or not.
Twenty Two: If you are in the line that is going at a snail's pace and you are watching everyone moving swiftly through another line, as soon as you make the decision to bail and switch lanes - it's almost a give in that your original line is going to speed up and you're going to feel pissed that you didn't just wait it out. Sometimes you have to wait it out.
Twenty Three: A crappy bra isn't your friend. Do yourself a favor get fitted. Suck it up and let the girl at Victoria's Secret feel you up for a second, and take a true measurement of your boobs. Everything looks better when your bra fits right.