It Always comes back to Bill Clinton and the Sex Scandal

So I was just purging a bunch of old emails, and came across a little dialogue between my BIL John, Alex and my mother.  It only took me a second to remember why I had saved it.  John's emails are in black, Alex's emails are in red, and Mom's emails are in green.  My explanatory comments are highlighted in this intersting shade of yellow.

This has turned out to be a rather colorful post.

-From: John B
-Subject: Your mom’s stuff
I just was made aware that Jen is in charge all of your moms "stuff." (Mom mentioned to my sister Jen in passing that when she dies, Jen and her husband John could manage her estate)  We thought it would be a good time to put together a preliminary schedule on the Cooperstown camp. (My Mom and step father Steve own a vacation house on a lake in Cooperstown) In an effort to be fair we will each get 3 months. Here is what Jen and I were thinking:

Jan, Feb, March - India
Oct, Nov, Dec - Jessee
April, May, Sept - Ali
June, July, August - Jen
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-From: Alex B
-To: John B
-The Mother
-Subject: Re: Your mom’s stuff
You have way too much time on your hands. Go sell a boat or something.  And anyways, don't forget I did the closing. (Alex is an attorney and did the closing on the Cooperstown property for my mom and Steve) Mom only has a life estate on the property and then it reverts to me and Jessee.
I like to call that “creative deed drafting.”
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-From: John B
I am sure you forgot to file the deed or it is sitting on your tool box in the garage with all the gifts you got from Jessee and did not open. Dink, dink. (Alex has been known to “forget” to file something important or “forget” to get back to someone important, etc. He also hates every gift that I get him and stores them all unopened in the basement, pretending that he actually does like them and just hasn’t gotten around to using them yet.)
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-From: The Mother
-Subject: Re: Re: Your moms’ stuff
Hmmm, isn't this something....... reminds me of all the sticky notes on the back of my furniture!! (John has been known to leave sticky notes on the back of or under several of Mom’s pieces of furniture or other objects that he wants to get when she dies.) Guess I'd better make some actual legal plans and surprise you all!
.................actually ...Ralph and River (Mom’s dumb dogs) really like camp, so ..............
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-From: John B
I have already had my lawyer (not Alex) draft up adoption paperwork for Ralph, River and Steve and will then acquire all of their assets.
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-From: The Mother
-Subject: Re: RE: Re: Your mom’s stuff
You make me laugh so hard John........you're adopting Steve (My stepfather) too?
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-From: Alex
-Subject: RE: RE: Re: Your mom’s stuff
I have already filed papers in court for the appointment of a guardian for Steve as the dogs seems to be controlling a lot here. Also, that keeps my rights to all property intact.... I have also moved for an order of protection against John due to the "pegging" of The Mother incident in North Carolina a few years back in which poor Grandma still has a bruise and several ailments due to John and his theory of, and I quote: "I had to take the shot." The court order of protection does not allow John within 500 yards of The Mother, Steve or the dogs.
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-From: John B
-Subject: Re: RE: Re: Your mom’s stuff
I do not negotiate with hostages. I don't know how much clearer I can make this. I'll store Steve in my garage and take the dogs til they go. You cannot have dogs because (1) You will have allergies or (2) Jessee will sell them for profit. (I have been accused of selling pets and making a profit on said pets. No comment.) I have proof that I am the #1 son in law. Who knows, you keep up your banter Big Daddy and maybe you will be out of the whole equation. Lol. Dink dink. (Big Daddy and dink dink refers to an inappropriate comment made to Alex by a woman at his office)
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-From:  Alex 
These emails only prove your thirst for blood and your contempt for the human race. Because of your warped rules on life the dogs were almost without a mother. That bruise almost traveled to The Mother’s heart which also reactivated a dormant blood clot. The Mother has been fitted for a leg brace like the one on her wrist. Luckily The Mother was on many other medicines so we all averted the worst. (My mother tends to have a lot of ailments and medications to help those ailments) But what would happen John, if your actions can't be counter balanced by the many medicines The Mother is on? What would happen to those dogs? Who would wash their paws when they came in from playing after school? Who would make their surf and turf for dinner every night? Who would bring them to the hospital for every bee sting? Who would cancel all their plans for the entire summer so they can take care of them if one of them had a fall? Who would be there to comfort the dogs through their night terrors or wipe their mouths when they are done with dinner? The list can go on and on and on. This is why I had to get the order of protection. Those dogs deserve it. (My mother is somewhat freakish about her dogs in many ways. I cannot say that the above comments about the care of her dogs are entirely untrue.)

The court agreed you are not fit to be within 500 yards of Mom, Steve or the dogs.
 
Love you Mom I will protect you. Steve can live in my basement by the way.
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-From: The Mother
-Subject: Re: Re: RE: Re: Your mom’s stuff
Al, I have to say, you're right up there with Johnny B. making me laugh hard.......... who would have thought that a random comment made at lunch while chewing quickly so Indi could be home by 2:30, would have started such a controversy? It's very obvious to me that we will have to make very wise decisions so Steve will never have to be put in the cellar......... and GOD only knows what lifestyle changes would be in store for my Ralph and River........ (I did forget where my injury started Al, thanks for reminding me..... by the way, has the statute of limitations expired on injuries sustained due to a cruel and unusual beanbag shot?) (Several years ago, John threw a beanbag at Mom very hard while trying to hit Timmy [my sister’s ex-husband] at the pool. Timmy had tried to use Mom as a human shield, assuming that John wouldn't throw a beanbag at a senior citizen. John threw the beanbag anyway and hit Mom and made her cry.)
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-From: John B
-Subject: Re: RE: Re: Your mom’s stuff
Jen thought my political satire was a little over your heads so I am going to dumb it down a little for the ones that will not get it.
I (representing US military under republican rule) took the shot at Timmy (representing Bin Ladin) while holding Jackie (representing a US innocent) in his clutches. I took the shot because I do not negotiate with hostages.
Alex (representing Bill Clinton) would not take the shot because he was in a closed door meeting with his lawyer consulting on his possible impeachment hearing because he got a BJ from L, his secretary (representing Monica Lewinsky). When the US sharp shooters had their opportunity shot to take out Bin Ladin (represented by Timmy in this political satire). They could not get in touch with Bill Clinton (represented by Alex in this story) because he was too busy trying to get himself out of trouble for getting a BJ and lying about it by Monica Lewinsky (represented by L, Alex's new secretary).

So, based on my policy we would have taken out Timmy years ago avoiding all the drama while Alex would not have been available to make that decision.
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Somehow, everything always comes back to Bill Clinton and the sex scandal.  We'll never live it down.