So I was at this party over the holidays and somehow, somehow the whole entire fallacy of me being a lame-o boring 40-something stay-at-home-mom who only wears black, white and navy blue came crashing down around me in a fiery storm of curious eyeballs and cautious questions. Also, occasionally I wear dark purple.
But back to the fallacy and the curious eyeballs. So I've honed this fallacy for years. You know, just a "regular old mom" fallacy. I'm just a mom who is not too exciting unless I'm drunk, which is like, once every several years rare. I've been told that Drunk Jessee is rather fun. Which is kind of where this story comes into play. Also, if you have an alter-ego that involves the word "drunk," maybe you should keep that information to yourself.
I didn't out myself. I've kept this story under wraps from the general public for oh, maybe 20 years or so. I'm very good at keeping things under wraps. If you have a secret you want to tell someone, you can definitely tell me. Anyone? Anyone? This story only comes out at intimate family functions when I'm getting made fun of or called out for some reason or another. Ali outed me, that asshole. Or maybe it was my cousin Kristen. I wasn't paying attention until all of a sudden everyone was looking at me, so I don't know who did the actual outing, but both of them blame the other. Winos. Everything seems to come out when wine is involved, and certainly Ali had enough wine to have a purple mustache going on at that point in the evening.
Let me start by saying that in my little circle of friends, which is very little, everyone thinks I have a girl crush on my friend Diane. Which is probably not true, but I go along with it. Well, she is rather attractive. Moving on, I kissed a girl once.
Or maybe she kissed me. The details are fuzzy, unfortunately. I'm not ashamed. I'm very secure with my plain old hetero status. I don't really think it was that big of a deal, actually. I was at my cousin's wedding, I was young and bold, it was a dare (I think), and you know, who am I to turn down a dare? The kiss was with a really attractive girl named Mimi. If you're out there somewhere Mimi, hey, what's up?
So that was the big scandal of the evening. I kissed a girl. I just wish I could remember how it all went down, because apparently it may have been kind of exciting.
Damn it, that Drunk Jessee has all the fun.