No, really. I was just kidding. You're not really invited. Because the pants party is private. It's a private pants party, actually. You can't get in. There's a bouncer, so don't even try to sneak.
No offense.
I just wanted to talk about something in my pants kind of. Something that is occasionally in my pants. oh settle down ya pervs. Or my dress. Or more accurately, something that is occasionally on my bod under my pants or dress. And that something is SPANX. I know I have discussed SPANX before, the shocking false advertisement of it all, but I have to tell you, even though SPANX is (are?) a genius invention, (an evil genius really) they suck.
Have you ever tried to cram your flabby ass into one of those stupid things? For real? And what asshole decides the sizes anyway? I'm sure someone skinny who doesn't even need to wear SPANX in the first place. Whatever happened to vanity sizes to lull you into a false sense of hotness? What ever happened to vanity sizes people??
I hate clothes shopping.
I triple hate clothes shopping, actually. For myself. I love clothes shopping for my kids. But for me, ugh. Nightmare. Worst thing ever. (Well, that may be a little over dramatic, I admit it. Worst thing ever after death by shark, swimming in the dark, or getting mauled by wild pig or something similar.) And incidentally, I think that thepeoplewhomakedepartmentstoremirrors are just mean, jerky... jerks who want you to cry in the dressing room.
Why do they all want to make me cry?
I refuse to wear SPANX. Unless I am feeling really like a super chubby fatso when I need to look great of course. Which incidentally is rather often. The feeling like a super chubby fatso part, not the needing to look great part.
Anyway, I hate SPANX. They cost like $20, they last for pretty much one outing, and you feel like a stuffed sausage who can't even breathe in them. What's so great about that? And omg, I bought a pair of SPANX stockings once to wear for an event and after I spent twenty ridiculous dollars on them, they got a run in them! As I was putting them on!! Can you believe that crap?? I could understand if they were cheapo stockings from some outlet store or something. That I could understand. But when I have to drive 35 minutes to a mall to buy them, and spend a lot of money on them and then not even get to wear them to pretend I look great to the stupid event because of the run, I definitely don't feel very lovey dovey towards the SPANX.
Not even a little bit.
I'm embarrassed (proud?) to say that I had to Google "Spanx".
ReplyDeleteWhen I clicked on the official Spanx website link I received a notification that it has been BLOCKED by our IT department.
This leads me to believe that:
a.) SPANX features NSFW pictures or b.) someone in my office building has been spending too much company time trying to stuff their sausage.
Either way, I am intrigued.
I am basically wearing Poor Man's Spanx right now. I wear them with slacks and certain dresses to hide my tummy.
ReplyDeleteI've never tried SPANX because I doubt, seriously doubt, they make them in my ginormous size. I'm not even sure I'd try them if I could fit into them. I am rather fond of breathing.
ReplyDeleteYou can purchase Spanx in a store? I thought they were only sold online (although, in my small town, I'm pretty sure they aren't sold in any of our stores).
ReplyDeleteI've got a dress I keep NOT wearing because it shows my poochy stomach. I'm going to have to make a Spanx purchase, stat!
Most labels are completely overrated.
ReplyDeleteI have found a bra from a lesser named company that helps me pretend I haven't nursed for 1.5 years, actually keeps the girls from falling out and - shocker- it does NOT cost a fortune.
The downside is, I live in constant dread of it going out of production.
Now I haven't tried SPANX but I've bought one of those no-name things that claims to flatten your tummy and I've hated it for pretty much the same reasons.
How did our great grandmothers endured the like of corsets I'll never know.