I quoted Brokeback?

I've thoroughly bored the shit out of myself with this damn excuse for a blog lately.

Uh, you too?  Shockingly I haven't lost a reader.  It may have been my shameless begging to just hang on a little longer I'll be back and cooler than ever really soon I promise!  Or maybe you just haven't gotten around to deleting me from your blogroll yet. 

MAYBE you are just as blissfully summered up as I am, and haven't even noticed my shitforblog.

I realize that I discuss the crappiness of my blog a lot.  Often really.  In fact I just recently said to someone that I recognize that I talk myself down a lot.  Do you ever do that?  I think it is a personal fault of mine.  You may be wondering why I am still here, plugging along, here and there, randomly, miscellaneously, just plodding on...

Here's the thing, I can't quit you, man!  I wish I knew how to quit you!

No, no, I don't want to quit you.  I just got carried away mini-quoting  Brokeback Mountain.  Hm.  Never quoted Brokeback?  Me either.  It just came out so I rolled with it.  I love Brokeback.  What a movie.

Anyway,  now that I have accidentally allowed you a sample of my vast collection of random movie quotes, the collection of quotes that bounce around in my brain and sometimes fall out appropriately, and sometimes not so much, I ask you this:

WTF.

What's my prob?  Why can't I write a coherent, mildly amusing, entertaining or thought provoking post?  What am I afraid of?  What is holding me back??

I think I have an answer.  I think the answer is honesty.  I think the answer is that I have a ton of crap to say but I have my filter on a lot and I just haven't gotten there as far as just letting it all flow, letting it all hang out.  I filter.  So, I find myself holding back.  A lot.  Worrying about who is reading, what I am saying that might offend, hurt, annoy, embarrass.  You get the point.

How do you get past that?  The filter?  How do you find a way to be comfy enough to just put stuff out there without fear or worry or whatever, that you sound like a dumbass?  That's a very good question I think.

And question number two.  How is it that so many of these awesome bloggers that I read just seem to write so well, and so honestly and so... purposefully, and it just seems natural and unfiltered and I don't know, great?  I'm envious.  Why can't I be like that? 

Where is my voice?  Or, equally as important, what is my voice supposed to be saying out here?  Does it even matter?  Who am I asking these crazy questions to anyway?  The universe?  The blogosphere.  Yes, that's it, the readers. 

So if anyone out there has some answers for me, something great to say that will inspire me to be more open with things here, please - have at it.  I'm all ears.  More like, I am all eyes.  Because I'm reading your words here, not listening to them with my ears, obviously. 

ps:  Don't you think blogger's spellcheck is an asshole?  That dumb thing won't accept so many things that I write that aren't even spelled wrong.  Like, you're telling me that blogger doesn't recognize the word "blogosphere?"  Is that really not a word?  I'm positive that I didn't make it up.  And when I try to write "bloggers," as in the plural of blogger, this dumb spell check thing tried to change it to loggers or floggers.  Really blogger?  Really?