Tuesday, February 26, 2013

back large and in charge, unfortunately

We got home from Florida on Saturday afternoon.  The return trip went pretty smoothly, almost as smoothly as the trip there.  The kids haven't been on a plane in a while, so there was an added level of excitement there.

I got home and half wondered if my house would have been ransacked, because I put it out there on the big world wide web that we weren't going to be home for the week.  I'm sure the ransackers and bad guys were afraid that my attack dog might be home guarding the place though, so nobody attempted a break in.  Little did they know that my attack dog was also away for the week, at the dog sitter's house.

Even though she didn't get to join us on vacation, she was happy at home being a tramp with the new boy dog at the sitter's house I'm sure.  Did I mention that my dog is a woman now?  Terrible pet owner that I am, I didn't get her spayed in time.  So she went into heat.  Which is disgusting.  She had to wear a dog diaper for a week.  And guess who had to change it??  TMI?

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that I only gained three pounds or so during my week of debauchery.  Which I have to admit is pretty impressive considering we walked about 47 miles around the parks each day.  Can you feel my sarcasm??  I mean, really??  I completely expected to lose a few pounds while I was there!  Even though I ate a man sized portion of cherry cobbler with ice cream every night for dessert, I assumed that all of the walking would balance that out.  Apparently, I made an ass out of all of us, and now I am three pounds chunkier than ever.  Cod damn it.

Don't you worry though, I'm all over that shit.  I have to get to a point where I can wear a bathing suit in the summer without wanting to shove a chopstick up my own nostril in an attempt to pierce my brain over the distress of the state of my bod.

Have you ever heard of suicide by chopstick?  I could be a first...

Speaking of food, I'm so hungry I could possibly eat my own arm.  I need lunch.  I also need to clean this mess of a house, which includes folding a shit ton of laundry.  So, I know this is a brief post, but I'm out.  Like sauerkraut.  Until tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. Suicide by chopstick???? LOL What a riot! I'm hungry too. Now. Thanks for that, BTW. :)