Monday, July 23, 2012

not sunny

Ever get the feeling that you have no idea what the fuck you are doing?

You look around yourself, all of the things that surround you, and almost feel dazed?  Like, what just happened?

No?  Me neither.

It's a weird day.  Alternately raining or cloudy, and then sunny.  My mood totally matches the weather.  Except for the sunny part.  I have to go pick up Brooke from her summer recreation program in a minute, and I guess I don't know if I even feel like writing later, or anytime soon so this lame little post is it.

I'm sitting here blank.  I have things to say but I can't say them.  Kind of hard to write honestly like that, you know?  This blog is sometimes like going to a head doc for me.  I feel like I get an opportunity to just talktalktalk, about some things and sometimes nothing and just put random words or thoughts out there.  Then sometimes it feels a little bit like, what's the point?  If you go to a head doc to get clarity, to get fixed, but you can't be honest and say the words out loud that are stuck behind the fear, what's the point?

If you can't have an honest, real converzation without fear, there is really no point at all, is there?


  1. I'm in a bit of wasteland myself. Recently I've come to feel that I'm really defined by my jobs...cook, laundress, chauffeur, everyone and perhaps even I have stopped seeing myself as an individual.

    Ask me what I did yesterday--I cooked, cleaned, cooked again, drove everyone around...cleaned up. Went to bed. Where was I in all that? I wanted this....right?

    I think I'm fading.

  2. Honesty. Sigh. This seems to be a really big recurring life lesson I am learning right now. I feel the same way on my blog, by the way. For a minute, I half considered deleting it and starting a new anonymous blog so that I could be completely honest. But then there isn't the refreshing feeling of being honest and being truly yourself. Such a catch-22.

    You can email me any time you want and tell me anything :)

  3. I totally know what you mean. I have so much to say, but no gumption to say it. Then sometimes, life doesn't seem interesting enough to write about at all. Thanks for your honesty. Totally agree with Erin's comment above about the anonymous blog, too.

  4. More often than not I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I pretend a lot, but that gets exhausting and then I get angsty and then very bad things happen. It's hard being honest (I haven't yet found the courage to do it) but I imagine it must be a very liberating feeling.