actually kinda perfect

My weekend was so.utterly.unexciting.

I mean, it was great, if you’re into that sort of thing that includes situating yourself to the couch for so long that your body basically forms an identical indentation that’s semi-permanent, and ordering take-out Saturday night which not only was dinner, but then also became lunch and then uh, dinner again on Sunday.  Like the same food.  Just microwaved.  Not even warmed thoroughly in the oven.  Oh no.  I wasn’t even getting up long enough to preheat the oven and then throw the stuff in and blahblahblah.  No way José.  Apparently I’d rather have my unequally microwaved-heated leftovers (you know, so like the edges are so hot that you burn your mouth off and the middle is totally cold?) on a paper plate and then re-faceplant into the cushions.  Then noshing on bits of random cold pizza as mid-day appetizers peppered in there for good measure.  

It was that kind of weekend.

I wish I could be all “ohmygosh, it was so rainy and cozy all day Saturday and I just got so caught up in my awesome book that I read the entire thing while sitting in my big comfy chair in the dimquiet”… but no. It was nothing of the sort.  I wore the same comfy yoga pants/tank top/hoodie outfit and woke up at 10ish an embarrassing time and perused the internet while vaguely listening to/watching so much HGTV that my brain nearly exploded.  I didn’t even read the crap-ton of magazines I have to catch up on.

This weekend would have been the perfect time to do all of those things that I “never get around to,” such as fold a massive pile of laundry that for whatever reason just continues to grow (wtf, family), which is located smack dab in the middle of the craft room floor (classy. want to come over?), reorganize the crammed and annoying kitchen cabinets, clean out the crammed and annoying closets, clean the bathrooms, mop the floor, deconstruct the junk drawer(s) because they contain about six thousand miscellaneous stupid things that I "might use someday,” along with random change, keys that I don't recognize, melted lip gloss and four-year-old samples of sunscreen, or purge every room in the house because we (I) constantly mentally complain about the chaos. But no. We didn’t have time for that at all. We only had time for *couch*.

Now that I think about it, this weekend was actually kinda perfect.

modern day interaction

Things are so different now, the way people interact in this modern tech-savvy time that we live in.  

Whoa.  I kind of feel like an old person saying such a thing.  Like when my Nan would say, "Back in my day..."

But really, it is completely different than it was back in my day!  They were simpler times, in my opinion.  There's no such thing as tossing the guy you're crushing on an innocent little football shaped note with "do you like me circle Y or N" scribbled on it during math class.  Instead you snapchat him a picture of your boobs apparently.  But that is a conversation for another post.

OK, well, maybe if you were 11 the football note was appropriate.  But these days, it's like, nobody actually talks anymore.  Face to face I mean.  Everyone hides behind a screen.  A computer, an iPad, a smart phone... I know that I am guilty of it.  How sadly impersonal though, right?

Sometimes I strongly consider giving up my iPhone and laptop, just to see how long I could do it.  Just to see how life would be without it, like it used to be in the olden days.  I bet I would get a ton more done, I'd be so much more productive.  I know I would read actual books more.  

It is rare for me to ever forget my phone, but when I do, it's like I forgot one of my kids, and I am ashamed and filled with anxiety til I get it back.  Isn't that kind of crazy?  That we are SO dependent on these little things?  Of course, I say that as I am sitting at my computer, typing a document to post to all of the random and unknown people of the www, but that's neither here nor there.  Right?

There are these intense discussions about the way people go about "life" now...  I'm not sure how great I would be at doing it this way if I had to, as a teenager.  I mean, being young and like, never having known a time when so much information, so much technology was right there in front of your face, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  When you were always tethered, never actually alone.  

Sometimes having a cellphone is like having a ball and chain attached to your ankle.  You are always reachable.  You never get a break to just breathe, and enjoy real life without interruption.  You can never be alone.

I might do an experiment and give up technology.  Any bets on how long I could last?

blog cheating and stuff

One of my pre-resolutions is going to be getting back to the blogging thing.  Because whatever, I just feel like writing stuff.  Even if it is boring, or doesn't have any relevance.  

I have something to admit.  

I've actually been writing on another blog for a while.  Ugh, I know.  I'm ashamed.  I'm sorry!  I jumped ship here and started fresh somewhere else because I was thinking maybe it would be easier and you know, who knows if it is or not, but I kind of feel guilty and I should probably ditch that other blog.  I promise there is no great amazing content that you would care about or miss or anything.  It's just pretty much lame old, same old me.

I have noticed that I seriously only wrote four posts on this blog this year.  FOUR.  None of them were important or great or exciting.  Mostly they were about the fact that I hadn't written.  Which was obvious.  I suppose I didn't really need to point that out.

I've been re-reading the posts of the past and it's so obvious to me, that I was struggling.  I see where I went from being generally happy, generally normal, regular me to sad and erratic and scattered and pensive and like, downdowndown.  I don't know if anyone else would pick up on the subtle change, but I did, like, immediately.  I was reading along and I was like, ohhh.

Kind of like watching a train wreck.  You know it's going to be really shitty for a while but it's hard to look away.

Anyway, I think that the struggling part is getting better.  I'm more clear headed.  I'm a little harder, I think.  I still have a lot of stuff to say.  Because let's face it, we all know I am windy like that.  I was still windy when I was feeling all dark and moody and broody, but I just kept it to my own self.  I couldn't spew here.  I have so many angsty draft posts that will never see the light of day.  But writing stuff helped, even if it was only for getting it out of my cluttered head.

You know how Facebook is actually really more like "Fakebook?"  Like mostly people project their best selves because they want all of the people in their world to think that have it all together, all of the time.  Nobody posts about how their dog smells slightly like a skunk and their kid was exposed to lice and that they feel like a fatass.  I mean, nobody really posts those kind of things, right?  It's more like, "I went to the Farmer's Market!  I eat only organic! I bought sunflowers today! See the pretty sunflowers!  They are on my cute little farm table with the sun beam shining on them with perfection!  My life is great all of the time! Yay!"

But we all know that's not real life, right?  We all know that Facebook is like an alternate reality, right?

I'm an offender. Mostly I keep shitty stuff to myself, because you know, I can manage my own stuff. And I don't need anyone looking at me like, aw poor you. And also because who else really cares about the skunky dog and frantic delousing of a kid who actually has no sign of lice but I have to frantically delouse anyway because ugh. Who wants a bug?? Not me!

Well so anyway, I'm not making any promises of tons of fabulous, regular posts, because lets face it. We've all heard that shit before. But I think I'll hop on here again, and try to write stuff. Because why not?  Maybe it'll actually happen this time.

and THIS is why I can't maintain a blog

So it's 2:17 in the afternoon and I didn't take a shower or brush my teeth and there is a half of a cup of coffee on the table next to me, just all cold and sitting there.  I think that I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch.

I'm pretty sure I might have to pee but I'm currently mushed in that "semi-permanent couch indentation that occurs after sitting for a shit-ton of hours in the same spot on the couch" indentation.

I am in this position solely because I was thinking I should start to be a good blogger again, so I got on my computer at like 10 am-ish or something ridiculous like that and then I accidentally never got up.  Because Internet!  I mean, there's so much to do on here!  Sheesh, I almost forgot.

Then I was on pinterest looking at recipes and I found approximately 897 thousand things that I would like to make for lunch, so I pinned them all on my "THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE FOR LUNCH" board,  but of course I never actually made them.  I just gazed longingly at Avocado and Spicy Goat Cheese Tacos and Smoky Sweet Potato Burgers w/ Roasted Garlic Cream & Avocado (I really like avocados) and continuously moved on to the next fabulous food-thing to pin.  For four hours.

Then I moved on to things that I could make for dinner, except I can't make them because I didn't get my ass showered so I could go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the things to make for dinner.  

So now I have just under 59 tabs open on my computer and I am so confused.  Do I shower?  Do I throw together a shitty lunch?  Brush my grimy teeth?  Maybe attempt to get to the store before I have to get the kids from school?  Eat a Twix???  I don't even know!!!

This is shameful guys.  I actually can't believe that I am confessing this behavior to all of you zero readers out there.

a strong upper lip, among other dental-ish things

Every time my husband goes to the dentist, he'll call me proudly on the way home and tell me all of the wonderful things that the dentist and/or hygienist said to him during his check up.

"Proudly" because they are all compliments.  Well, uncomfortably strange oral weirdisms in my opinion, but definitely compliments in his eyes.  

The last time he went to the dentist, the hygienist told him that he had a "strong upper lip," and also a "firm tongue."  These are things I am pretty sure I will hear about for the rest of my life.  Because those are very exciting things apparently.  Also, who says that?  Who says "Wow, you really have a strong upper lip?"  The hygienist may have been trying to put the moves on him with the firm tongue thing, because it could be construed as a euphemism.  I'm not at all concerned because she has very short boy hair and that's not his thing.  Also, he never has cavities.

About fifteen years ago, he was so excited because the hygienist said, and I quote, "Stains?  Zero!" regarding his teeth with gusto.  Gusto, I tell you.  He was so excited.  He loves that he has zero stains on his teeth so much that fifteen or so years later I am still reminded.  I am still reminded often of his stainless teeth.  Sometimes, when he writes a card to me he will write, "To: Stains, From: Zero" on the envelope.  Probably so I will know who the card is from, but in code.  Except now I am informing the whole www, so it isn't exactly a private code anymore. 

I think it's because he had baby bottle mouth when he was little.  You know those sad little yucky teeth that your baby will get if you let them drink a bottle of milk in bed that the pediatrician warns you of?  That's a real thing guys.  The sad yucky teeth is real!  And my husband had them!  Thank Cod he now has zero stains and zero cavities because I am certain that adult baby bottle mouth would have been a deal breaker.  Because I am a little shallow like that.

ANYway*, I went to the dentist yesterday and all went smoothly.  Going to the dentist is not my cup of tea.  Did I ever tell you that my regular dentist fired me twice?  One time I convinced him to take me back, but the second time he didn't.  Then I picked a cuter dentist in his office that I always kind of had a crush on instead.  Or should I say, he picked me.  Because one day I asked him a simple question about a tooth-thing I was experiencing during one of Brooke's appointments after the big and shameful second firing incident, and he made me hop in the chair and get my tooth looked at.  Because he is so nice and petite.

Then he said he would be my new dentist and I said "phew" to myself.

I really like my dentist.


*you know how sometimes people say "anyways" with an "s" at the end?  Like they make "anyway" plural?  That irks me and it should definitely irk you too.  Because it is dumb.  

is it smaller than a breadbox?

My BIL John has a theory on how to tell if a guy is gay or not.  Because apparently it's important to know.  Anyway, John has a lot of theories on a lot of things and however outlandish, he is unfortunately (almost) always proven right.  And to be perfectly honest with you, John's innate ability to pick out a person's sexuality is pretty incredible.  He might be pretty close to 10 for 10, in our circle of people.  And I'm sure once the other guys that are iffy come out, he'll be 12 for 12.

Not that we typically sit around trying to guess a person's sexual orientation, because truthfully, it means nothing to me.  I am 150% a "to each his own" kind of girl.  But I definitely can't help but be impressed with John's accuracy in labeling.

So anyway, in case you have anyone in your life that you think could be on the fence and you are really curious but don't have the guts (or frankly, the rudeness) to ask, I'll share some of John's criteria.  Of course this bulleted list isn't 100% indicative of homosexuality, but you can use it as a guide.

• The fact that he is married to a person of the opposite sex means nothing
• If he has a dog, the dog is smaller than a breadbox
• He lives alone and has cats
• He has a male "roommate"
• He dresses really well and is into fashion
• He is very fit and into his body/looks
• He wears tight, formfitting shirts and jeans
• He is involved in the theater or another creative field
• He may sound feminine, use feminine gestures and have feminine mannerisms

I've kind of recently discovered that there is a whole subculture of gay men out there, completely different than the stereotypical feminine looking/acting gay guy.  This recent discovery is about to blow John's theory completely out of the water, and I love to prove John wrong, or get him to question his theories.  Because the majority of John's gay criteria involves the more stereotypical sort of feminine gay guy.

Have you ever heard of the slang term "bear" regarding gay men?  I guess it refers to more masculine looking gay men who tend to be heavy-set or muscular and kind of hairy.   I bet those big hairy guys have dogs bigger than a breadbox, and I know that they don't look all perfect and fit in their tight jeans.  There are annual events, like Bear Festivals and Bear Runs and apparently there are even Bear Clubs.  Apparently there isn't much of an awareness of bears outside of the gay community.  Who knew?

Since I am so knowledgeable and smart and socially aware, I am looking forward to sharing this interesting info with John.  Come to think of it, the next time my cousin and his partner are around, I am definitely going to ask them if they know any bears.

you googled that? v4

Glad I unfriended you on Facebook - I remember this post.  The one where I was discussing that I wished I could tell who has unfriended me so I could glare at them from afar.

Great conversation enders - Oh, everyone needs great conversation enders.  I'm glad you were directed to me for that because I am a champion tapper-outer.  It's my best quality.

Newborn baby boy testicles - You guys are gross.

Hey Jessee's tits - This very well may be referring to the kid's TV show, "Hey Jessie," and her t-words.  Because there is no way anybody is googling me for that.

How to hot dog snappy - Hm.  What do you think someone meant by that?  My imagination is going in all sorts of directions.

Turned on by hipsters - Well aren't we all?  Well, not the asshole holier-than-thou hipsters, obviously.

Muffies - I'm going to choose to think someone was searching for a muffin recipe here.  And wouldn't you know, I actually posted a muffin recipe back in the day.

Mischievous girl - I'm OK with this, though I'm not sure why google sent someone here for that.  I like to think I'm a mischievous girl.  I like to keep people guessing.

Define wogging - Oh, I will define wogging.  Don't worry young grasshopper, just click here.

Gross things that make you puke - well, I get this.  I do believe that I have a weakness for gross things that make me puke.  I mean, a weak belly that wants to puke when gross things are in the vicinity, like phlegm, or vomit, or dog poop or maggots.

Guess the movie baby deer - Probably got sent to the post where I discussed how Walt Disney was probably kind of psycho.

what should i be?

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, as a grown up.

I used to have good ideas, but now I feel like I'm too old.  I know I mentioned before that I am typically a quitter before failer, and I'm scared that if I tried to be something, I would suck or it wouldn't be what I expected and I would hate it or, I don't know... what if I fail??

I'm not sure why I have such a deep fear of failure.  Doesn't everyone?  I mean, nobody wants to fail, of course.  But like, plenty of people chance it, plenty of people fail, plenty of people mess up and like, it doesn't shatter their world.

I make lists of things that I am interested in.  Because I figure lists with columns always seem to produce results.  Pros/cons, cool/uncool, fun/lame, meaningful/meaningless, worthy/worthless, deal breakers/deal makers...  so many lists to be made.

I hope nobody ever sees my lists.

I think I have been able to languish in uncertainty because since Brooke came along, I haven't actually had to work.  Like, financially.  Which is awesome, of course, but it also leaves a person feeling sort of... lost.

I feel really lucky that my throwing a paycheck to the mix wouldn't make or break us, but also, it makes me feel kind of trapped and boxed in and like my throwing a paycheck in doesn't mean anything at all.  Like my stupid contribution is kind of worthless.  Ah, first world problem, right?

Who complains that they don't have to work?

I'm not complaining.  I guess I always feel like I want to do something that matters.  I know taking care of my family matters/mattered, but like, they don't really need me as much anymore.  I'm kind of  like a plant.  I'm here, I need water, I like the sunshine.  But does it really matter if I say or do anything?

I also feel like since I actually haven't had a job in nine years, nobody would want me anyway.  Who would hire someone with 9 years of like, zero work?

ANYway, I think I will go plan dinner.  Because I suppose that is fairly important.  I do have to feed everyone pretty much every day.

Hey, remember that time that I said I'm back in it to win it?

Do you?

Hopefully not, because apparently I lied.  Because I thought I was going to be back in it to win it but then I wasn't.  Back.  In it to win it, I mean.

In other words, I really only had a few more posts after those bold words before life got busier, and I got lazy and kind of forgot that I was re-committing to blogging.

But really, for real, I actually have been kind of busy!  I know, right?  I'm not sure if its just the time of year, or if like, I am just finding more stuff to do to keep me occupied.

I've been trying not to live for unattainable moments that aren't mine anyway.

I've been trying to get myself back in to real life more, stepping away from this plastic www world.  I've been saying goodbye to ghosts that have wounded me.  I've been leaving things behind, letting things go, living in the moment.  I've been trying to "get" it.  I'm trying not to be a sad, moody brooder.  I've been smiling and stuff.

So yay for that, right?  I guess?

ANYway, I have an awesome Christmas tree in my family room right now and it is all twinkly and yummy smelling and it kind of feels like I am sitting in a deep and quiet forest.  I kind of love sitting in a deep and quiet forest.

Did you like how I changed the subject there?  I moved right along.

Because that's what I do these days.  I move right along.

Wanna come with me?

Hey, it's 11/11!

It's November!  Who knew?

I remember being younger and my mom would tell me that time seems to speed up when you're old and I'd be all like, uh huh, and roll my eyes.

I'd say the same thing when she'd tell me to appreciate my non-wrinkled skin and non-flabby bod.  Because like, who ages, right?

Apparently, she was right, but damn.

So, November... there sure seems to be a lot ahead to accomplish.  I'm not much of a pre-shopper.  Like, I know someone who will have all of her Christmas shopping done, and then wrapped in October.  That's so not me.  I mean, I'd love it if I were that organized, but the reality is - I'm not.  Usually by October I have some lists put together, because lists!  But that's about it.  My lists are organized!

I do need to have a sense of what I am doing by Thanksgiving, because I am probably going to be forced to be a Black Friday shopper.  

I used to really love Back Friday shopping.  The planning, the plotting of the route, the craziness, the chaos, the getting up so early and being all sluggish and driving in the dark with your fellow shoppers...  

But somewhere along the way, I decided that I hate it.  Or maybe not hate, but strongly dislike.  I look around and see cranky people, dragging tired babies through throngs of other cranky people, at ridiculous hours of the morning, prepared to throw down just to get their kid the latest and greatest whatever.  That doesn't scream Christmas cheer to me for some reason.  Merry Effing Christmas?

Ah, I'm sure I'll go.  My sister Ali can be a bully very forceful persuasive, and we usually go out together with the guys.  I admit, it always turns out to be fun.  My sister Jen has the right idea and doesn't meet us til late breakfast at some greasy diner, usually in the form of Denny's.  The eating with your people part is fun.  Because the eating part is always fun!

So there's that.