the last word, v11

People Magazine has this feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on some of the last things they've done.  So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything (wait. what?!), I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?

The last time I went out to dinner was two nights ago in NYC.  Megan and I decided to go for a last minute train ride to the city to an Ed Sheeran concert at MSG.  She is such a huge fan.  It was her first concert ever, and she just about died.  We brought my niece Bridgett and met up with Kara and Frank and went to this cool bar called Stout in Manhattan.  I had a great steak salad, and there was yummy blueberry beer.  Mmmm

The last time I cried was so stupid.  I don't even know if it is considered a real cry but it was a well of tears.  Fine, maybe one or two fell, who cares.  I get random wells every other five minutes these days because I am a fucking freak.  I was thinking about this Halloween night way back in the 80's and the memory kind of got me choked up.

The last song I sang out loud is a song that I just cannot get out of my head.  It's called "I Wanna Be Yours," by The Arctic Monkeys.  And now I will share it with you.  Because, oh.  I feel it.




The last time I cringed was while watching a movie trailer for Anchorman, just the other day.  Oh. My. Gosh.  I just know I will be cringing throughout the entire movie, and I cannot wait.  

The last time I cursed was this morning, because, of course.  I make a point to curse every day.  Because I love to fucking swear God dammit.  I believe I said, "Trick or fucking TREAT, yo."  Because I'm so gangsta.  *I said that to a grownup, I swear.

The last compliment I gave was when Alex hugged me.  I said, you smell really nice.  Because he does.

The last TV show that I watched was Duck Dynasty last night at like, midnight.  I love that show so much.  Every time I watch it, I laugh.  It really is addictive TV.  How can you turn it off?

The last website I visited was The Huffington Post.  I pretty much have a lineup of news and media outlets that I hit each day, I can get so caught up reading stuff... I really tend to like articles on The Huffington Post.

The last household chore I did was laundry.  It's always laundry.  Never ending laundry.  Laundry.

The last sports event I attended was a high school soccer game.  My son's soccer team was in the state semi-finals yesterday, it was very exciting!  They lost 1-0, but it was such a great, hard fought game, I was so proud of them.  I'm really sad the season is finished!  I can't believe next year is his last year playing high school sports.  I think I will be so sad when it's all over...

my boy is #6

heart shaped rocks

I just found this heart shaped rock while I was hiking.  

Funny, I happened to be thinking about a time I was walking on the beach a couple of years ago, head down just mulling.  I just had so much on my mind. I was looking at all of the different and unusual rocks and shells, and I sort of made a little deal with myself. I told myself that if I could find a heart shaped rock, then I wasn't wrong about things that I had been feeling, doing, thinking so deeply about.  As I walked, I layed out the rules for my game, it had to clearly be a heart shape, I had to continue walking the path that I had planned, it had to be a shell or a rock.  Each footstep brought me closer to wrapping up my walk, and there was just... nothing.  On a beach with literally millions of rock and shells and shapes.  Like maybe it really wasn't meant to be.  Like the thoughts and feelings that I had been mulling over were way off base, just wrong.  Trudging up the dune, sand deep and hot and biting my ankles, the noise of the waves blended with the sounds of families on the beach and it all seemed so far away.  Salty sweat touched the corner of my lip, but it tasted like a tear, and then I saw it.

My rock.  My heart shaped rock.  I found it, right at the end of the walk.  Right when I needed to find it.  Right when I needed an answer.  Do you know that feeling in your chest, when you can finally breathe after you've been holding your breath?  That's what it felt like, when I saw it.

I'm always looking for heart shaped rocks now when I walk alone.  My game. My Magic 8 ball.

I stood and looked at this one a bit, this answer that I desperately need.  And I decided to leave my heart it where it was.  Just go and leave it.  But I can't leave it fully God damn it, so I took a picture of it so I could remember before I walked away.  So there it is.  

revising a list

I'm an introspective person.  I think a lot.  I spend a lot of time with myself in my head.  That is probably unhealthy.  I'm working on it.  

One of the other things I've been working on is revising a life list.  I read this thing about people having bucket lists about material things, like owning a specific sports car or whatever, and even though that may be one of their ultimate goals in life, and you know, to each his own of course, I'd like to think that personally, the things that I want to accomplish before I die are deeper than that.

I have so many obstacles right now.  Most of them mental.  I have so many things that I need to get past so when I wrap up this journey I can close my eyes peacefully and feel like it wasn't a waste. 

Of course experiences make our lives more enriching and exciting, but I believe that the reason we crave these activities goes a bit deeper.  What drives these desires is the yearning to belong, to feel love, to feel connection.  When we do what we love, and make those connections, we become an expression of love and our happiness is infectious. 

Some newer things to accomplish...

1. Forgive people who broke your heart

2. Stop trying to control your outcome

3. Look in the mirror and love yourself unconditionally

4. Find your purpose and live it 

5. Trust that everything is in its right order

6. Travel to the place you keep thinking about

7. Try something that scares you

8. Be open to change

9. Let go of your past

10. Stop trying to change people

11. Stop looking for answers outside of yourself

12. Stop thinking you did something wrong

13. Just be your weird, crazy, beautiful self

14. Follow your heart

15. Risk everything for love

16. Reject rejection

17. See the world as a beautiful, safe, and loving place

18. See everyone as equals

19. Give up attachments to stuff

20. Recognize the journey is the reward

21. Stay hopeful and optimistic in difficult situations

22. Welcome all life lessons

23. See the opportunities in every challenge rather than give up

24. Live your values

25. Inspire others by your own bigness

26. Stop apologizing

27. Forgive yourself

TRAVEL San Francisco: Traipsing About the Bay A

I went away this past week...  I took a little trip out to San Francisco.  A little trip all by myself.

When friends around here heard that I was going off alone they looked at me like I was a little off.  Like going somewhere on my own was weird.  A few people were all like, Wow!  That's so brave of you!  Doing it all by yourself! 

I think they meant that in a positive way?  I am a very independent person.  I don't feel like I need someone with me to be able to do things that I want to do.  I'm perfectly OK with making a solo trip.  Maybe that makes me weird.  Of course I love to travel with my family, and I do often, but it's nice to sort of escape from real life sometimes.  To take a break from every day responsibilities and just wind down.

I was thinking back to a time where I just threw a bag in my crappy car and drove til I was too tired to drive anymore.  All alone.  My first real solo trip.  I had traveled alone to meet up with people before, but never just a time that I knew was just going to be mine.  I think I made it 9 or 10 hours.  And I spent a week not speaking to anyone but the clerks at the places where I grabbed a bite to eat.  It was fantastic.

I regrouped.  I thought about things.  I read.  I walked.  I basked in the sun.  I explored.  I relaxed my tense brain.

Sometimes, for someone like me, getting away is a really good thing.  It's just enough to keep, for a while.

Here is a little smattering of some of the things that I did and saw in San Francisco:

*Walked way down to the Ferry Building and saw the Bay Bridge, all lit up and beautiful in the darkness. 

*Went to Muir Woods and walked though the trails, feeling so very small compared to those massive redwoods.

*Stopped at Muir beach and walked barefoot in the sand.

*Went to Sausalito and got a great sandwich (and cookie) from a cool little sandwich shop.

*Pulled over and stopped for an amazing view of the Golden Gate Bridge on a gorgeous clear day.

*Went down Lombard(?) Street, the crookedest street. So cool and steep and narrow.

*Rode BART.

*Went to Monterey, walking along Cannery Row and saw the Monterey Aquarium.  Had a great meal there, mini portions of sea scallops and steak and risotto and a chocolatey dessert thing that just melted in my mouth.  And also a crepe thing that I actually had to force myself to stop eating.

*Visited the tiny sleepy little town of Davenport, where I walked along a secret beach and had a big fat raspberry muffin and a perfect cup of coffee.

*Rode on a cable car.

*Explored a bunch of districts in the city, went to China Town and spent a bunch of time (but not much money!) in the shopping district.

*Got dinner from this amazingly cool restaurant that is outdoors and plays old foreign films on the wall.  Had the best cheese I have ever tasted from there, some kind of mozzarella that I wish I remembered the name of.

*Walked around Fisherman's Wharf and had a great bowl of clam chowder and got stalked and harassed by a gross seagull.  Checked out the smelly seals laying around on the docks, looked at Alcatraz and debated taking a ferry over to see up close.  Went into this cool old time arcade where they had these real, old fashioned arcade games and things that you could play for a quarter.

*Walked and walked and walked.

*Ate and ate and ate.

Ah, there were so many more amazing things!  I want to write it all down so I don't forget any of it!

I am so glad I went, so glad that I didn't chicken out and find some great excuse to keep me from such an awesome week.

The only bad thing was that I FORGOT MY CAMERA.  Can you believe that??!  All of the pictures that I am posting were from my iphone.  Unfortunately they are nothing spectacular, but definitely enough to remind me of some great moments.  I did some tweaking and editing of course, but overall a few not so bad shots.

I will be following this post with some in depth reviews of the things that I did - including places I ate, stayed and visited on my trip.  So be sure to come back to check out my thoughts on things to do in the iconic city by the bay...

I am already thinking of the next destination for another solo trip... any ideas for me?  Where would you go if you were going on a solo trip?

Things you miss on the morning walk

A lot of conversation flows on a 90 minute morning walk. I always wonder what I am missing, because I opt out of the walk that my niece KK, two of my sisters, their husbands and my husband take every day that we are together. I used to opt out because my back would be on fire upon return, now that it is feeling better, I might have to join them.

Today we went to breakfast after the walk, the regular group plus me and Mom. We went to this little diner where an omelet cost me $8.95, but whatever. It was by far one of the better omelets that I have ever eaten. I chose an egg white omelet with spinach, feta and tomatoes. Oh my YUM. I do love me a Greek omelet.

So this is the general idea of the 90 minute conversation that I missed on today's walk:

Words and what they should be categorized:

Tier one words are simple, every day words. For example, chair.


Tier two words are bigger words, like vocabulary words.  For example, extraordinary.


Tier three words are specific to an event or thing that average every day people wouldn’t know how to use or what they mean.  For example, a pelitan.

Now I enjoy a good conversation on words like the next Joe, but I guess opting out of this walk was in my best interest.  Can you tell that my sister is a second grade teacher?

just a heads up I guess

I've been trying to disable my blog, temporarily.  Apparently I can't do that... I didn't want to completely delete it, unless I decide to post again.  

I like the people that I've met through blogging, it's been surprisingly nice to connect with people like this.  I think it works for me because I don't feel like I am that good at making friends in person.  I often struggle with feeling awkward, coming off wrong somehow.

But anyway, I didn't want to make some dramatic exit, or be all weird and cryptic, and I didn't want to just disappear, because that might not be so nice to all of the three readers out there.  I didn't want to be like one of those Facebook posters who is all, "I'm deleting my Facebook because you people are all jerks!" or something.  Mainly because I don't think you people are all jerks, but also because I think those posters seem to be sort of needy attention seekers, and that is basically the exact opposite of who I am.

I guess it's time for a break for me.  For now, I'm ready to be done.  It's too hard to post when I feel like I can't write what I want to say, what I need to say.  I'll keep reading my favorite blogs, commenting and lurking around I'm sure.  I'm a little too addicted to the blogging world to give up entirely.  Thanks guys, for sticking around and hanging with me, even through a fair amount of lame boring filler posts.  Who knows, maybe I'll miss this too much and end up popping back into your feed one day.

My email address is up there in the contact info, if you want to keep in touch.



Across the time and space
A never-ending dance
A blooming and a trance
You make me feel my soul
There's no more loneliness
Only sparkles and sweat
There's no more single fate
You make me feel myself
-M83

friday five

So it's Friday, which means I'm hosting this Friday Five Blog Hop thing again.  Basically, it's a super easy post.  I used to just set the timer and free write, whatever was on my mind, without trying to censor or think too hard.  Usually, once I started, it was easy, and I didn't have to think about it at all. 

That's kind of my goal for this blog hop - just five minutes of free writing.  Nothing Fancy, nothing planned, nothing needing to be humorous, or inspiring or anything for others - just for you.

So set your timer!  When you're finished, link up and share!

12:50 pm

Alex and the kids have the day off today because of Good Friday, but strangely enough, I am all alone.  Brooke got invited to play at a friend's house, Megan had a sleepover last night, and the boys just went to play some tennis.  Tennis!  WooHOO!  Tennis means Spring for sure.

I'm fine with the quiet.  More than fine.  It will get busy and noisy around here in no time.  I pick Kara up from the train at 4ish, and my sister Jen and her family are coming in for the weekend and staying over at our house, which makes me very happy.  Though we have never done Easter morning with anyone else - hopefully the house will be big enough for lots of eggs.

There's kind of a full weekend planned, which is good, because it keeps my mind busy. We're going to dinner tonight, tomorrow we're going to a movie, and Sunday of course is Easter, so we'll be cooking and hanging and eating.  Next week my kids have no school for their spring break, and I was kind of thinking of taking a little spontaneous trip somewhere.  I don't know... I checked a few things out, but I guess we'll see.

Anyway, time's up, so happy Easter weekend!  Hope you all have fun and get lots of jellybeans.  Don't forget to link up below!

quite the shocker

I know this is going to come as quite a shock to some of you, but I have drastically changed my free kiss list.

I know, I know!

I'm usually not so fickle!

But I think I've got it right now.

As I said before, I had stuck with my last free kiss, Dave Matthews, for many years.  Then I was kinda feeling like I was over it.  So I was debating, hemming and hawing (I know I've said I am not a hemmer or hawer, but when it comes to a free kiss - THAT is something you have to be totally sure about).  I just wasn't feeling my last picks.

So anyway, I figured I would share my new and improved list.  And I also figured, why do I have to just settle on one free kiss anyway?  I mean, really five is a good number.  Five is what I have settled on.

So before I get to the list, I am going to remind you that I don't usually pick the guys that are everyone else's picks.  I have my own reasons, but I was never really into the guy that everyone else wanted.  So don't judge my picks.  We are in the judge free zone, much like Planet Fitness.

So these free kisses are in no particular order.  Because you know, I wouldn't want to hurt any of their feelings.

1.  Joseph Gordon Levitt.  Oh I just like his face, and his sense of humor.  And he looks completely sexy in a suit.  He may actually be number one.  And he's not even that much younger than I am!

2.  Jesse Williams.  There is no way that you couldn't get past his eyes.  And lips.  And brown skin... 

3.  Paul Rudd.  I love a funny guy.  I really think Paul Rudd is hilarious and adorable, and I like his beard.  I think he is tied for number one with Joseph Gordon Levitt.  He may even win because he happens to be my age...

4.  Justin Theroux.  This guy is all bad boy-ish.  I like the way he dresses.  I like him better with a bit of a beard, but he is absolutely attractive either way.

5. Gerard Butler.  Another hilarious, attractive guy with great eyes.  And a great beard.  Apparently he's quite a player, but you know, why not? 

Who are your free kisses?

tiny and insignificant

If you were having trouble accessing this blog recently, sorry.  I didn't realize it was showing up as blocked - hopefully nobody was really offended.

Anyway, I was kind of trying to figure out what to do here.  A few years ago, when I started doing this, I wasn't sure of much.  I wasn't sure if I'd be good enough, or relevant.  I wasn't sure if anyone would really care about what I put out here, if anyone would read.  I wasn't sure if I wanted anyone to read.  I wasn't even sure if I was doing it right.   

And you know, I guess I still don't know.  I'm still unsure.  One thing that I am sure of though is that my uncertainty is reflected in every post, to me.  And I hate that.

Do all bloggers feel this way at times?  Like, what's the point?  There are so many great blogs out there - so many smart, funny, talented people - I'm just a tiny, kind of insignificant drop in the ocean.  

But the thing is, I'm not sure if I want to be big and significant.  I put enough pressure on myself to write something, anything meaningful most days.  If I was like one of the big bloggers, I'm positive it would be too much for me.  I'm sort of a quitter-before-failure, by nature.  I'd be way too afraid of failing to be good enough, and quitting altogether would be a very attractive option.

Ah, sorry about my moaning and groaning.  Maybe I'm just in one of those uncharacteristic woe is me moods.  I'm not usually too moany and groany,  I'll get over it, and be more chipper tomorrow.

Hope to see you then.

with kale, i write

OK, so the weirdest thing happened.  I was reading blogs and things, and my computer died.  So I plugged it in and decided to read a book while waiting for my laptop to recharge a bit.  Of course, just a few minutes later, my nook died.  So that's not the weird part.  The weird part was that I of course decided to plug the nook in to charge, and was kind of aimlessly wandering around the kitchen, bored, thinking maybe I was hungry enough for a little snack.

And my mind was all, "Oh!  We have kale!  I'll steam some kale!"  And then my mind said to itself, "WTF Jessee?"

Because, steamed kale?  As a snack?  What are we, animals??  Like, healthy animals??  What about donuts and cookies and like, candy?  And frosting and cookie dough and other sugary sweet things, that are so bad for you?  Kale??

So I steamed some kale. And I tossed it with a little olive oil, lemon juice, and salt and pepper.  And I ate it, loving every freaking bite.

A month ago, I decided to do this cleanse. Not like the kind of cleanse where you starve yourself and drink shakes and like, disgusting wheat grass or something, but a healthy cleanse. The kind that cleanses your body of built up toxins and things.

I read about this thing, it was a 21 day cleanse where you gradually eliminated meat and dairy and eventually ended up eating vegan.  I decided that three weeks of eating good and smart and consciously wouldn't kill me at all. Either way, the three weeks were going to pass by, why not at least try it.

Honest to Cod, I believe this is the first time in my 43 (ugh!) years of life that I ever stuck to something. Like, made an actual decision to follow something, and then actually followed it til the end.

It wasn't hard. I am lucky that I like fruits and veggies. The cool thing about this cleanse was that in following it by the book, which had strict daily meals, I ended up making and trying a ton of things that I've never tried before (like kale and jicama). I made things that I was sure I wouldn't like, and loved them.  Seriously, I could almost live on this "diet."  In the three weeks that I did it, there was only one meal that I didn't like, and it was a roasted root medley. Wtf, right? Just too many roots I think. 

I hate the diet thing. Hate. I hate feeling deprived. I hate feeling like I can't eat a bowl of Lucky Charms without feeling guilty. Not that I ever really eat a bowl of Lucky Charms, but you know, if I felt like it, my initial feeling would be guilt.

Anyway, I did it. And it was good, really. Besides feeling better physically, I ended up dropping some pounds, which was a rather pleasant surprise. Kind of like a kick start to getting back on the wagon, which I so stupidly fell off of last year.  I'm a few years behind the fit at forty thing, but I'm catching up.  

I'll get there.