Tuesday, November 19, 2013

broken, whiney and kidney punches

This blog is bugging me!  I haven't blogged in like, months, so I kind of forgot how to fix the settings and everything is all wacky.  I just don't have the patience to mess with it.  Sorry it looks so fucking annoying at the moment.  I really just have to get my shit together and deal with it.  I have to decide what to do.

I am at a crossroad of sorts.  Hey.  Someone said that to me once.  That exact same sentence, and it just popped into my brain.  Weird.  Anyway, so yeah. I'm at a crossroads.  Definitely more than a fork in the road, because your average fork only has like 3 prongs, right?  There are all sorts of paths here in front of my mug these days, way more than 3.  I feel a little bit like a crazy person.  I just cannot get my thoughts together.  I can't sleep.  I just keep thinkingthinkingthinking.

Usually, I am happily introverted.  I enjoy being alone with myself.  I like having a big imagination, I like being able to see things the way I want them to be, the way I wish they would play out.  But right now, that gift, the vivid imagination "gift" is killing me.  Killing me.  I just keep seeing images and things that I don't want to see at all.   My typically happy, chill self ugh... just hurts.  And you know, I'm just not sure how to fix it.  I'm pretty sure I'm broken.  I haven't thought of myself as fragile, breakable, in so many years.  You know how when you were little and some big guy would pick you up and toss you up in the air, up high over their head, and for a couple of brief seconds, it felt amazing?  Like, you felt weightless and breathless and perfect for those briefest moments in time?  And then, those seconds of terror when you'd start to fall back down, hoping and praying he'd please just catch you, just please please not let you slip through his fingers to shatter into a million little pieces at his feet?  I guess right now it feels like I'm in the shattering part, and I'm just hoping not to turn into dust and just blow away.  Like nothing.  Like air.  It's my own fault. It's what I get...

Ah, well.  So you sit here and figure out if you wallow around indefinitely and let what has broken you define you, or if you get up and dust yourself off and do your best to figure out how to repair yourself and move on.  Obviously wallowing isn't an option.  But becoming feeling-less is...  

Jeez.  When did this go from being a funn-ish boring old filler blog to a downer lame whiny drama blog??  That is not how I roll here.  Role?  Roll.  I have this one day to be a downer, ok?  It's downer Tuesday!!  Didn't you know?  Then I'll slap some sense into myself and be normal and boring again tomorrow.  Because tomorrow guys, tomorrow is WEDNESDAY.  Wootwoot Wednesday!  Yes! 

Maybe tomorrow I will tell you a few funny things about how I got kidney punched three times by my sister Jenney when she was drunk the other night when we were out.  AND she punched me on the shoulder, that jerk!  

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