halloweekend

Happy Halloweekend!

I kind of can't stand when Halloween falls on a weeknight.  You know, it just seems less fun when you have a curfew and have to cram all of that trick or treating and candy eating in before bedtime.  Trick or treating and candy eating.  That totally rhymed!  I feel a little amazed at my talent right about now.


Anyway, I meant, not me.  My kids.  My kids have to cram all of that hyper fun and sick belly stuff in before a normal school night bedtime.


Brooke really wanted to be a mummy but Cod damn, that was shockingly a hard costume to find.  In fact, so hard to find that I didn't find it.  I could have gone ahead and made the costume because as far as costumes go, it seems kind of straightforward, but I have lots of trauma related to home-made costumes.


Actually, I am projecting.  That trauma belongs to my poor Kara, who suffered at the hands of me, making her these horrible Halloween costumes for years.  Or I should say attempting to make Halloween costumes that usually ended up with her just going as a hobo because I couldn't pull off what I was attempting.  They were all awful, poor kid.  It's a wonder she doesn't hate me.  I tried!!  Sheesh.  Not everyone is Martha fucking Stewart guys.


Anyway, the mummy didn't happen.  We ended up dragging the costume bucket down from the attic and put together a pretty awesome purple witch.  Brooke loves being a witch, so it should be good.


Megan went up to the mall with her friend last week with 25 bucks in her pocket and she came home with a flapper costume.  Complete with a wig and a bald cap.  She is so, so happy.  When she tried on her costume for me, she was smiling so hard her adorable dimples came out madly.  I love when something simple makes my kids so happy.


Alex of course will just run around with his friends, a gross scary mask carrying a pillowcase.  Hopefully not being too naughty.  He'll come back with a disgusting amount of candy, and he will eat like a horse for days.


Speaking of eating like a horse, my son just had his yearly physical, and the pediatrician told me he gained 24 and a half pounds and over four inches in a year.  Twenty four and a half pounds!  He's turning into such a guy, getting tall and lanky, getting muscles and beefing up.  For years he was so sad that he was shorter and smaller than everybody in his class.  He used to google "how to grow taller," and it would make me want to cry.  I would find these little notes that he wrote to himself all over the place on how to grow.  Totally broke my heart.


So once he started growing and gaining weight, he would call me into the bathroom to witness his weight on the scale.  For the longest time, he was dying to break a hundred pounds.  Now he's almost 125!  We stood  back to back the other day and he really is as tall as I am I think, and I'm 5'7.  Boy.  He's not little anymore.  


OK, enough of the chatter about my huge boy.  I kind of went off topic there.  Go figure.


So, we were invited to a Halloween party this weekend, but we had other freaking things to do that made me so not happy at all.  I will not go into those sucky things at the moment because it may make me sound like a jerk.  And I really need to keep up the illusion here that I'm not a jerk.


Tonight, trick or treating is supposed to be kind of chilly.  The kids will have to wear coats over their costumes.  Ah well, it won't make it any less fun and exciting.  Brooke has been crossing off the days since the beginning of October, so I am pretty sure a little cold air isn't going to stop her from ringing bells.


I am not a fan of cold air with slow walking.  I don't mind cool weather walking if I am moving at a decent enough pace to warm myself up, but door to door walking is pretty slow and man, I might need to seriously bundle up tonight.  


Maybe I could go out dressed as a snowman!

Well so I did it

So I marched into the Apple store Thursday with all sorts of purpose and got myself a MacBook Pro.  Which is what I am currently typing on.  I may be in love.

Yes, definitely.  I am in definite love.  Puffy heart boinging out of the eyeballs love.


There is a tiny learning curve, but other than that, it is so cool I am wondering why I didn't go mac sooner.


Thursday, I was trying to type a coherent post, trying to read the news and stuff like I do every day.  Basically, suffering with my shitty annoying computer that I have to sit with at an angle on my lap so the screen won't go blank.  You know, the shitty computer that I have to physically hold the charger in half the time so it won't die, and I thought to myself, omg.


So I texted Alex a quick, "How do you feel about me getting a fucking functional computer today?"


And he responded, "<3"


So I said, "I am going to take that as a "Go for it."


And he responded with, "K."


And I thought to myself, I really enjoy how this relationship works occasionally.


Then I drove the half hour up to Apple.  I was in and out, back home setting up the computer within an hour and fifteen minutes.


Well, that was easy.


I love Apple.

Things that I can't say out loud part 2

1.  The term making love.  OMG ew.  I even feel cheesy writing it.  I will never say that.  Especially never when I am in the moment.  Ever.  And please never, ever tell me that you want to ML with me or I most definitely will gag and almost throw up or laugh in your face.  Both of which would probably ruin the mood.

2.  The V word.  As in v*gina.  OK, I cannot even actually type that without cringing.  If I ever have to absolutely without a doubt say it (like in the presence of a real doctor or something), I will. But I wont like it.  And I will definitely mumble it like va-hmhm all low talker-like.  It's a very weird word to me.  The word just refuses to come out of my mouth with ease.  I grew up saying front hiney.  As opposed to back hiney (thanks mom). Top that!

3.  The word breasts.  Ugh, again with the female anatomy.  I blame my mother.  I couldn't even call a chicken breast a chicken breast until I was a real grown up without wanting to laugh.  I just picture Steve Martin saying breast in a funny breathy voice.
4.  The word moist. Uh, gross.  I feel kind of dirty now.  My stomach may have just done a little flip flop with that one.  I recently googled the synonym for moist because I really needed to use the word and ugh, I felt so skeevy saying it.  Guess what the ONLY synonym for moist is?  Dampish.  Dampish?  Really?  Well, that sucks.  I can't say, "This is some really dampish cake!"  That just sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

OK, so now that I am actually reviewing this mini list, I'm seeing a little trend and the words may seem to be related to sex and/or body parts.  I mean, I really don't have a problem with sex or body parts at all.  I feel like I have to say that I don't have a problem saying penis.  Well.  I mean it's not like I walk around saying penis left and right and finding interesting places to insert it into conversation or anything.  But I have no trouble saying it as needed.  I don't cringe inwardly about the word penis.  In fact, I just said it 3 times in one paragraph!  Penis.  That makes four.  I had to say it once more for good measure.  Sorry.  I got carried away by penis.  (five)  

OK, clearly it's about time to wrap up this post.  What words/terms are really hard for you to say?

Tattoo Barbie hysteria. Really? And a comparison chart!

So, how do you guys feel about the new tattooed Barbie that has a bunch of moms all in a tizzy and feeling hysterical?

I don't feel hysterical.  And I am not in a tizzy.

To be perfectly honest with you, I don't really care. 

Let's be real, Barbie looks like a sleaze (Well huh, I thought that was spelled "sleeze," but spellcheck disagrees) either way.  Tattoo Barbie is really no different than regular Barbie.  In fact, Tattoo Barbie seems way more clean-cut than many of the Barbies out there.  Regular Barbie often seems to be dressed in high end streetwalker clothes.  And of course she has those awful proportions that are crazy unrealistic.  But whatever.  She's a doll.  A piece of rubbery plastic.  And guess what? I have all of the control when it comes to bringing Barbies (or other toys, books, videos, TV shows etc) into the house, and I'd like to go out on a limb and suggest that the hysterical mom's do too.

In other words, if Tattoo Barbie offends me,  I just wont buy her.  Simple enough, right?  One would think so. 

Seriously, I think we have tons of other things to freak out about regarding our kids being exposed to "immoral" things.  Even Spongebob is risque!  Have you ever actually watched Shrek or Toy Story?  They slip adult innuendos into the cartoons you plop your child in front of when you're trying to vacuum the living room.  And since when is a tattoo immoral, anyway?  Who decided that?  I don't have one personally, but I don't care one bit if you do.  I cannot imagine how someone could equate body art with immorality.

Is make-up is immoral?  How about earrings?  How about the trampy short skirts and low cut tops that Barbie usually wears?

If forced to choose, which Barbie would you have Grandma wrap up and put under the Christmas tree for your daughter?  Just look at Hooker Barbie's "come hither, I want to tie you up and do weird things to you" look, versus Tattoo Barbie's "Hey!  Let's hang out and get ice-cream" look.

I don't know.  Maybe I am taking it a little too far, but really?  Put Heroin Barbie on the shelf and then I'll be hysterical.


FYI, I believe Tattoo Barbie is being marketed as a collector's item, so I can't imagine she'll be staring your child in the face in the Barbie aisle of Target.  I think hysterical mom's need to relax a snitch.

Traipsing about the Bay A

I went away this past week...  I took a little trip out to San Francisco.  A little trip all by myself.

When friends around here heard that I was going off alone they looked at me like I was a little off.  Like going somewhere on my own was weird.  A few people were all like, Wow!  That's so brave of you!  Doing it all by yourself! 

I think they meant that in a positive way?  I am a very independent person.  I don't feel like I need someone with me to be able to do things that I want to do.  I'm perfectly OK with making a solo trip.  Maybe that makes me weird.  Of course I love to travel with my family, and I do often, but it's nice to sort of escape from real life sometimes.  To take a break from every day responsibilities and just wind down.

I was thinking back to a time where I just threw a bag in my crappy car and drove til I was too tired to drive anymore.  All alone.  My first real solo trip.  I had traveled alone to meet up with people before, but never just a time that I knew was just going to be mine.  I think I made it 9 or 10 hours.  And I spent a week not speaking to anyone but the clerks at the places where I grabbed a bite to eat.  It was fantastic.

I regrouped.  I thought about things.  I read.  I walked.  I basked in the sun.  I explored.  I relaxed my tense brain.

Sometimes, for someone like me, getting away is a really good thing.  It's just enough to keep, for a while.

Here is a little smattering of some of the things that I did and saw in San Fran:

*Walked way down to the Ferry Building and saw the Bay Bridge, all lit up and beautiful in the darkness. 

*Went to Muir Woods and walked though the trails, feeling so very small compared to those massive redwoods.

*Stopped at Muir beach and walked barefoot in the sand.

*Went to Sausalito and got a great sandwich (and cookie) from a cool little sandwich shop.

*Pulled over and stopped for an amazing view of the Golden Gate Bridge on a gorgeous clear day.

*Went down Lombard(?) Street, the crookedest street. So cool and steep and narrow.

*Rode the BART.

*Went to Monterey, walking along Cannery Row and saw the Monterey Aquarium.  Had a great meal there, mini portions of sea scallops and steak and risotto and a chocolatey dessert thing that just melted in my mouth.  And also a crepe thing that I actually had to force myself to stop eating.

*Visited the tiny sleepy little town of Davenport, where I walked along a secret beach and had a big fat raspberry muffin and a perfect cup of coffee.

*Rode on a cable car.

*Explored a bunch of districts in the city, went to China Town and spent a bunch of time (but not much money!) in the shopping district.

*Got dinner from this amazingly cool restaurant that is outdoors and plays old foreign films on the wall.  Had the best cheese I have ever tasted from there, some kind of mozzarella that I wish I remembered the name of.

*Walked around Fisherman's Wharf and had a great bowl of clam chowder and got stalked and harassed by a gross seagull.  Checked out the smelly seals laying around on the docks, looked at Alcatraz and debated taking a ferry over to see up close.  Went into this cool old time arcade where they had these real, old fashioned arcade games and things that you could play for a quarter.

*Walked and walked and walked.

*Ate and ate and ate.

Ah, there were so many more amazing things!  I want to write it all down so I don't forget any of it!

I am so glad I went, so glad that I didn't chicken out and find some great excuse to keep me from such an awesome week.

The only bad thing was that I FORGOT MY CAMERA.  Can you believe that??!  All of the pictures that I am posting were from my iphone.  Unfortunately they are nothing spectacular, but definitely enough to remind me of some great moments.  I did some tweaking and editing of course, but overall a few not so bad shots.

I am already thinking of the next destination for another solo trip... any ideas for me?  Where would you go if you were going on a solo trip?

I disagree

There's this one blog that I have been reading for pretty much ever, like for as long as I have been reading blogs.  I love it.  I envy it.  I really feel like even though I am way more of a lurker than a commenter, this blog speaks directly to me.  I could easily comment on every post.  It's written by a mom who really just seems to strive to be a good mom to her children, a good wife to her husband, a good daughter, sister, friend.  That's it.  She is sort of old fashioned in her beliefs about raising kids, about being a housewife (is that even a word anymore?), about taking care of her family.  I like that.  I think in the years that I have been reading her blog, I have never disagreed with a post, and she writes some riveting, thoughtful ones.

I have been sitting on this feeling though for a little bit, about a post that she wrote that bothered me, dug at me.  No, I did not comment on it.  I pretty much would never be a negative commenter, sort of like that old, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." kind of thing I guess.  But gosh, it's been bothering me, what she said.

I am not sure if it is wrong to quote her, but part of what she said that bothered me is this: "It's not so much all about us anymore, and what we want, and who we want to see. We live in a time when I think we have been fed this belief that we deserve to be totally happy and fulfilled constantly. Emotional entitlement, in a way. I read article and article about how we need to take care of ourselves, and find out what makes us happy. We deserve to be fulfilled, we are not our best for our children unless we are. That might be true in a way, but I also don't think we have to be willing to sacrifice what is best for the loves of our lives, our children, before we subscribe to this belief that all this happiness, self-care, fulfillment is "out there" somewhere, with our children far away, and us gone from our homes. We can find it in our homes, if we are willing to look!"

Not so bad, really.  And to many, it may seem right on.  Actually, there were many positive comments on that post.  She's a great, effective writer.  She has a way of getting words out on paper that just seems very natural, very honest.  But I just disagree.  Wholeheartedly.  I kind of felt this sting of judgement, and it made me question myself.

I like the term "emotional entitlement."  I understand what she's saying, but wow.  Being a mother is not my only role, it is not all that I am, all that I want to be.  Does that make me bad?  A bad mother?  I think that for the most part, a happy mother makes happy kids.  Trying to be fulfilled in life, trying to find some meaning other than just being Mom, sacrificing wants, needs, desires... I truly don't think it has to be an all or nothing kind of thing.

Feeling happy for me comes from a lot of different things.   Being Mom to my kids makes me the most happy, it really does.  I love being a mother.  I love taking care of my family.  Being a wife and mother was the thing I wished most for, for as long as I can remember making wishes, and I feel very grateful for the life I live.  But I am also kind of a solitary person.  I enjoy being alone.  It makes me feel peaceful.  I enjoy exploring, finding new things that are beautiful.  It makes me feel filled up, emotional... alive.   

I do not believe that I deserve to be "totally happy and fulfilled constantly," but I see nothing wrong with having snippets of time where you do get to do the things outside of taking care of your family that makes you happy!  That can't be wrong, can't be a bad thing!

Besides being a mother, I am also an individual.  There is no cookie cutter that we should all be cut from.  I think it's dangerous to take this word, "mother," and try to lump all of us into it in one neat little, perfect little circle.

If emotional entitlement means that I get to find ways to feel fulfilled while balancing the needs of my family, well, I guess I am OK with that.

walk across the diamonds

                                                            Mission Street, SF

Lime Tree

Spark a match and watch the candle burn
the wick runs out and love takes its turn
on fallen angels and broken sounds
we will last past the final round
it took a while for you to find me
because i was hiding in the lime tree
above the city in the rain cloud
i poked a hole and watched it drain out
parallel to the city streets
our broken crowns beneath our feet
but as we walk across the diamonds
we know that love is always shining
so save me love save me all the time
i'll wash you down with a simple sip of wine
and toast my glass to all my loved ones
to let them know that the stars well they still shine

                                                       -Trevor Hall

Five minutes

Five minute spew:

Time starts and it's 9:11 pm, I can hear a soccer game on TV in the other room.  I know my son is asleep on the couch and that makes me smile.  Poor guy is exhausted.  It's all about soccer and tons of honors history homework and dances and being a teenager these days I guess.  I happened to be rustling through some stuff from when I was a teenager today.  Gave me some serious heartache actually.  I honestly don't know why I do that to myself.  All of that stuff makes me so emotional. I know I should get rid of it, but I can't.  I don't know how.  Brooke is getting a cold and I am going to see Kara in the city tomorrow.  Alex is out at a meeting and I haven't had dinner tonight.  Come to think of it, I haven't had a thing to eat all day.  I'm not hungry.  I think it's because I am upset.  I feel a little bit empty, a little bit lonely, a little bit sad.  It was a perfect fall day, blue skies and sunshiney with a bit of a cool wind.  My favorite, favorite kind of day.  When the sun hit my arms it was so warm, I just sat there and felt it.  Soaking it all up, closing my eyes and dreaming dreamy daydreams.

Time's up.

Don't you hate when your laptop is a jackass?

I am seriously considering going Mac.

Haven't you ever heard that old saying, Once you go Mac you never go back?  Wait.  Maybe I changed that up a little...

ANYway, really.  My freaking laptop has been on my last nerve for like, ever.  It has this little problem with the screen, where like, I have to hold it at an angle or the screen will go blank.  So I can't use it on a desk.  Which is exactly why I spend so much time on the red comfy chair.  Because I have to hold the laptop all stupid and angled in my lap in order to actually see anything.  Which directly correlates with my many typos.  Annoying!

Anyway, are you guys pro Mac?  What do you suggest?  I suggest I get my ass up to the Apple store and by me a MacPro, but that's just me.  The Apple store and I have been BFF's for like the last few months.  Seriously in the space of four months, I have purchased exactly three iPod touches, one iPad, and two iPhones.  I am an iFreak.  And I am not even an iMoneybags.  I told you that the summer was my most expensive time of the year! Cod damned birthdays.  So clearly, if I currently have so many Apple products, I should just buck up and get the Mac, right?  And the bad news is, I actually also need a desktop. No kidding.  So yeah.  Good thing you work so hard Hon! 

So, really.  Share your thoughts guys.  Are you a Mac or a PC?  What do you really want to be?  Are you in love with your Mac or do you hate it's stupid little computer guts?  Pros and cons?  Give it to me straight.  I can take it.