Nowadays, people who can hide behind the cloak of their computers or other devices are pretty freaking bold. It's like, because they aren't looking you in the actual eyeball, they feel more confident saying fuck off.
Incidentally, fuck off is one of my favorite things to say, in my head and out of my head even. In case you were wondering. I do try to curb it and keep it in my heart if I am in the vicinity of my kids though, jeez.
For the most part, your average person is a little more reserved and not so quick to say fuck you even if you deserve it, and even with the relative anonymity of the Internet and computer. But still, they find a way to convey the message, to say it without exactly saying it. You know, the passive aggressive "fuck you." Except if you are a Mormon, because Mormon's don't say eff you. Well actually, are they allowed to say EFF, but not fuck? That's a legit question for any Mormon who might actually read this.
ANYway, being passive aggressive doesn't mean you're a bad person, rather, it's a way that people can vaguely get their point across when they don't feel comfortable speaking their mind, or are afraid to be honest. Sometimes, they don't even realize what they are doing. Someone really needs to call those people out because that behavior is really pretty annoying.
I'm more of a straight up eff you say-er, but it sure takes a lot for me to get there, and it usually flies out of my mouth when I've been poked to the point of not taking a moment to censor myself. Passive aggressive eff you-ers bug me. Because usually it's like, YOU know what you mean, and THEY know what you mean, so you might as well just fucking go for it and let the chips fall where they may, right?
Here are some of the ways you can be passive aggressive if you've left your balls in your Mom's purse and you're too much of a wimp to actually come out and directly say what you mean:
You can say, "no offense, but..." This basically means, don't take offense but I am about to totally offend you. Everybody knows this.
You can deliberately do something to bother someone, but then act like you didn't know it would bother them. Like you could blast your favorite post punk tunes when you know your brother is studying for a huge exam, because you're pissed at him for not giving you a ride home from school. When he stamps into your room having a fit at your infantile behavior, you feign complete shock and say, "What? I had no idea it was so loud! Jeez! Relax!" This is when he should respond with, "Grow up, asshole."
You can say, "fine." or "whatever." This one bugs me, seriously. Probably because most of the offenders are of the teen-age variety. They'll say it when they've reached the end of their argument and know that they are going to lose, so whatever. Whatever makes me want to smack you, or at least pull your perfect little pony tail.
You could say/text, "JK" or "just kidding." Like, I absolutely hate you, bitch. Haha, jk. Riiiiight... you're just kidding. Because that's so funny? I don't know, there's something about nasty sarcasm that I'm supposed to consider a "joke" that really turns me off.
You could give a backhanded compliment. Like, "Your dress is gorgeous! It's really too bad you couldn't find it in a bigger size..." Insulting me but attempting to soften it with a slight compliment is so obvious. How about, just shut your mouth if you aren't into it. A lot of times backhanded compliments are really about jealousy.
You could ignore a text when you have the read receipt function. I know you read my text. You know that you read my text. You know that I know that you read my text. This is a way of punishing the sender by giving them the silent treatment or cold shoulder. Just be an adult, communicate clearly and fucking respond! Jerk!
Huh. It seems that writing about these passive aggressive kinds of people have me feeling a little aggressive myself... maybe I should go find someone to be all cranky at.
I've never called anyone a douche bag.
Incidentally, is douche bag one word or two? I'm going to go with two, since blogger spell check told me I was wrong when I initially wrote it without a space by putting a red wiggly line under it. Not that you can ever trust blogger spellcheck because that asshole always tries to tell me that OMG and crotchal, ho-bag and hiney aren't really words.
Like, really? OMG isn't in the latest dictionary? It always suggests changing it to OMB. Like Oh my Bob? Blogger spellcheck is intolerant of religion??! An atheist maybe? To each his own, but let's call a spade a spade - blogger spellcheck is definitely a douche bag. And apparently an intolerant douche bag.
So yeah, honestly, I've never really been a user of the DB word. It's just that the image of what a DB actually is always pops into mind when I think it or say it, and then it like, grosses me out. Sort of like moist or vagina.
But I've recently decided that I need to get over the issue with those words. I've been trying to use them more. I even told my single dad friend Jake that his girlfriend's pumpkin cake was moist (ugh) over Thanksgiving. And I didn't even gag when I said it! Apparently she's a very good cook, because that cake freaking rocked. But you know, moist was really the only descriptive word that fit! I mean, how do you avoid saying it? I mentioned previously that the only synonym for moist is dampish. That's dumb. And not very fitting for a cake if you ask me.
You know what really gets my goat? Besides the fact that saying "gets my goat" makes me sound like my grandmother? It's those people that can say skeevy words without cringing. They say vagina with authority! They say it like they mean it! With conviction! There's no fear, no inward gagging, no mild aftertaste of throw up in their mouth. Clearly there is something wrong with me. I just want to be able to call someone a douche bag as needed! I don't think that's a lot to ask for.
I am flawed! A flawed human that cannot utter the word udder without a shudder. Heh. Did you see how I did that right there? Don't tell me you're not impressed with my verbal skillz, yo.
Hm. I went all gangsta right there. Yes, yes I did. That happens occasionally - let's just roll with it.
I think it's time to wrap this post up, because you know, I mentioned to someone recently that this blog really doesn't have much substance, and it's posts like this that make me kind of agree with myself. Like, does anyone really give a shit about my verbal skillz?
I'm guessing no. Even though I do have a fairly recently new follower!! Hey #101! Wanna come over and do each other's hair and have a sleepover? I puffy heart love you!
OK, that's weird. Sorry #101, I just got excited.
Did you get my sly innuendo?
You know if you read this post, that I have been on a mission to try to plug a few extra swear words into my daily life a little more. Well, WTF?
WTF??!
I'm a failure. It just doesn't come naturally to me. Only if I am really mad or really tipsy and with people in my tiny little circle of people. Guess what though? First of all, I am hardly ever really mad. Irritated here and there, but not really mad. And as I have said before, drinking and getting tipsy just isn't my cup of tea. Or rum, I should say. It isn't my cup of rum.
So I'm trying so hard to be badass, (HA!) but there just isn't anyone to swear at and there isn't much of anything to swear about. So what's a wannabe badass girl to do?
Give up.
Yeah, I am giving up. It was a dumb idea and I am over it.
You know, I've been blogging a bit now, and it seems that suddenly my world has opened up to all of the OTHER blogs and bloggers out there. There are some seriously awesome blogs to be read. Really freaking funny stuff. Everyone should make an effort to find them, because I am literally chuckling out loud by my own bored self reading this stuff every day. In fact, I make a point to not put on mascara til after I read the bloggess. Trust me on that one guys. Something that I have noticed in reading a lot of these blogs is that a lot of Mom bloggers swear like a bunch of G.D. sailors and I'm feeling a snitch surprised, yet also a tad jealous.
Like, I love to swear, but I don't often enough. And usually not in front of a crowd. I mean, I am surrounded by kids an awful lot, and I can't be screaming "Get your ass out of the car Donald!" like I heard a mom scream one day at her kid in front of a bunch of pre-schoolers. Donald was actually a pre-schooler himself, poor little guy. I swear to God it was his first day of pre-k and he was nervous and didn't want to get out of the car... my sister and I looked at each other like, whoa. Well, no offense to all of Moms who swear at their kids out there, but I think it might be a little bit scary to a pre-schooler. But I'm not judging!! Or maybe I am, but you'll never know because I usually just keep those thoughts in my own head.
Anyway, now that all of the rugrats are in school, and I am without kids for exactly 6 hours and 36 minutes five days a week, I think I might start swearing more often. Not at my kids or in their presence, but you know, just in general. For the fun of it.
You might wonder who or what I could swear at, being that I am alone during the day for the most part. Well, there was a dishwasher repairman here the other day, and he was effing annoying and very talkative and sniffley. I could have sworn at him, because in my head I was. I was thinking, "Just fix my effing dishwasher and get out dude, you're totally cutting into my magazine reading!" Or Bob, the UPS delivery guy. But I like Bob - we've become less like strangers with all of the freaking deliveries that I get. I mean really, who orders all of this crap anyway? And I could never have sworn at the cable guy, who was here last week too. I wanted to politely scream at him for wiping his nose on his sleeve several times, "DUDE, use a G.D. tissue. PLEASE. Or I will vomit on your big effing mud tracking man boots!" But I couldn't. I mean, he did deliver and install my second DVR. He installed it slowly and sniffley, but it is functioning. And that thing is really important to me.
Some guys swear at the TV - you know, while watching sports and stuff. Except I don't really watch sports on TV. Come to think of it, the TV is off for 6 blissful hours and 36 minutes a day. I like the quiet. It's been a looooong time since I've had such quiet in my life.
I don't know, since all of the other mothers in blog land are doing it, I might as well jump on the bandwagon! Everybody else is doing it! We could all just UNITE and start effing SWEARING like truck drivers in our posts! Woohoo!
Hm.
See that though, I couldn't even type the F word in public without feeling uncomfortable. I guess it's just not me. I probably won't really swear that much in my posts guys, sorry if you were excited about it. I tried, but I pretty much stink at swearing outside of my head.
** addendum: ooh! so while I was searching for clip art that involved swearing, I came across two articles that actually were PRO-SWEARING! One of the articles was on Oprah.com and the other was some scientific journal or something. I figure if you're on Oprah and in a science journal, it must be the real deal. Swearing is not all bad! By all means, check them out for yourself, they were actually kind of enlightening.
A few random thoughts for this lovely September morn (oh! that just made me think of the old song "September Morn" by Neil Diamond. Yes, I just put that out there. I love Neil Diamond):
ANYWAY. Fruit Flies suck ass. How come even after I removed all of the fruit and moisture in my kitchen they are still kamikaze flying in my face? Of course I googled how to get rid of stupid fruit flies and none of the so-called solutions seem to work well. Then I read the part that said fruit flies inject their eggs into the fruit they are hanging out on. In other words, every time I happily bite into a banana, I am also munching on fly eggs or larvae or some other gross crap. That's where I threw up in my mouth a little. No really. Some things are better left un-learned. I am, in fact, sorry I just had to share that disgusting bit of information with you.
I really like that movie Hairspray. I'm not sure why I was so resistant to watching it in the first place. I wonder if it is still on Broadway, because it would be great to see the live version. Now that is something that wouldn't make me puke if I googled it.
I think my all consuming love of Vampire Diaries is bordering on unhealthy.
Why in God's name would anyone choose to be roasted? Like, does roasting someone mean that everyone really likes them? I mean, all of the roasters slam the crap out of the roastees for an hour and a half, then smile and hug each other or shake hands when it's over. Like, really? If you just sat there and talked crap about me and my family and the things that are important to me, I pretty much think I'd want to go all blanket party on you.
Speaking of parties, one of my favorite parts of the movie Anchorman is when Steve Carell's character Brick is trying to invite Veronica Corningstone to a pants party. Then she says, "Are you trying to tell me there's a party in your pants and I'm invited?" and he says something like "Yes. Yes I am." bahahah. That makes me laugh every single time I see it.
What if I started swearing more often? Like, what if I inserted blanking swear words every other blanking time I said a blank blank word? I think that might just blanking shock people. Sometimes I really want to say the F word. My little kids think the S word is "Shut up." That just proves how much we don't f-ing swear in our house.
I am pretty darned sure that I could walk around in a bookstore all day and be completely happy.
