what to do here

I'm not sure how I am going to approach blogging again.  

I liked blogging for a while there.  Then it got stressful.  Then I got a mental block.  So there was a quitting, which truthfully isn't terribly uncommon for me.  I'm a quitter, sadly.  And then  there were a few restarts that never really became a thing again.

What made it stressful I think, was knowing that some people I actually knew in real life were reading.  I mean, I definitely like that there are readers out there, I think.  Just, when I actually knew some of the real live people, I started worrying, I started being concerned that maybe I should censor myself.

I hate censoring myself!  

But also, I don't want to look or sound stupid to anyone who actually knows me.  It's one of my top five worst things.  A lot of times, I just kind of wrote whatever was there and it worked because I didn't have to think about if I actually did look or sound stupid, or who I could potentially be offending or hurting or something.

I hate drama, but sometimes, if I read back, I have a few posts that might seem a little drama-y.  I hate whiners, but sometimes, if I read back, I have a few whine-y posts.  Like, in the real world I do my best to put that mask on every day, nice and straight, so nobody notices that I am actually a freak in sheep's clothing.  Or something.

Here, I was feeling like it was OK to be my own freaky-sheep self.

So anyway, the question becomes, do I really actually care what anyone thinks?  I guess yes.  And no.  Yes because I still don't want to say or do anything that could potentially embarrass or hurt my family, my kids.  But no because fuck people who want to judge me for just being my own freak self.

So that's where I'm at.  If I want to sound like a dumbass who doesn't know proper English like I did right there, I will!

Hmph.

What would it take?

What would it take? Write about a time when you were with someone that you are still angry with, and decide if they finally deserve to be forgiven.

Walking through the park, pushing the stroller, I see someone up in the distance and my stomach involuntarily knots.  The quick heat of anger forms, familiar.  Knowing that avoiding her was impossible, my mind starts racing with the old feelings of hurt, betrayal.

My head is up, looking forward.  Not shrinking like I want to, not shrinking like I always did.  She is casually sucking on a lollipop.  We stop in front of each other.  Because that's what you're supposed to do, right?  When you walk directly in the path of someone who was your very best friend for years.  When you walk directly in front of the person who once knew everything that there was to know about you.  When you walk directly in front of the person who ruined any chance for you to truly trust and have healthy friendships with girls.

She bends down in front of the stroller, looking at my child.  Looking through her.  And I want to walk away but I don't.  She stands up quickly, taking the lollipop out of her mouth in a way that seems perfect, practiced.  She says, too loudly, "What a beautiful creature!"  My muscles feel tight and I squeeze the handle of the stroller.

And I think to myself, "Don't you dare call my child a creature."  And I want so badly for those words to form and come out of my mouth, but they don't.

"Thanks."  I say.  Looking her in the eye.  I don't smile.

She knows I know.  We both know that I know exactly what she did.  This huge unspoken betrayal hangs thick in the air between us.  She smiles and flips her long, straight hair out of her face.  Like she always used to.

Uncharacteristically, she starts to fumble with her words.  This person, who took great pains to never show a lack of confidence, this person who owned every room she stepped into, this person who never fumbled her words, starts rambling.

"Good to see you."  I say, uncharacteristically interrupting.  Locking eyes.  My speckled green to her iced blue.  I still don't smile.  I won't, ever.

I push the stroller around her, looking forward.  As I move further away, the heat of anger dissipates, and my baby starts babbling.  The clouds fogging my brain begin to break and float away.

She doesn't deserve to be forgiven.  But picking at old wounds keeps them from healing.  I know though, that I will never forget.

you googled that? really? v3

Monkey grabbing boob - This baffles me.  Why do you want to see this?  And what makes you think you'll find that image on my boring little mom-blog?

Beard sexy guy - Don't get me wrong, I'll search up a sexy bearded guy like nobody's business, because, obviously.  But, why here?

Throw up in mouth a little - I always wonder what is going on in someone's mind when they search something, like, did this person just throw up in their mouth a little and they wanted to see what was happening?

WTF Batman - Hm.  I say this occasionally.  I guess?

Parents who swear at their kids - Jeez, I don't do this.  I don't swear in front of my kids, or at them.  Some people think I'm judgey when I say that, and maybe I am a tiny bit.  But only inwardly judgey, probably.  

Boy blowing - Welp.  One could take this is many ways.  I'm going to choose to think the searcher was referring to gum.  Boy blowing gum bubbles.  Because come on.

Fucking Christmas miracle - I did say fucking Christmas miracle more than once.  Sorry.

Jesse Williams is hot - I conCUR. 

Do cats have boobs - What in the world?  But then again, do they Focker?

Brick laughing - If you aren't an Anchorman fan, this might seem like, weird.

Guns and Roses and sex - I'm assuming this is somehow in reference to the band Guns 'n Roses.  Because otherwise, that's just scary or something.

Sexy super model camel toe - You guys are gross.

Camel toe - And again, really?

oh, i forgot!

Oh I have totally forgotten to post a few things that I meant to post!  Like, how I was offered a hit off  of a joint the other night walking to my car after a freaking rad show that I went to see.  Can you believe I did not partake??  I know!  Me neither! I may or may not have seriously hesitated.  Of course I didn't hesitate! Did I ever mention that my kids could read this from time to time?

Also, how I accidentally tried lamb and maybe kind of liked it!  I know!!  Gross, right?  I ordered this gyro, and who knew it had lamb in it.  Apparently it did.  Which I found out after eating it and maybe kinda of liking it.

And how my sister and I got in a text fight and didn't talk for two weeks and one day.  I know!  Shocking!  We never fight - we are both fairly passive.  I can't even think about the last time we actually had a fight.  Text fights can get a little fresh, too.  I think it's the whole, "I'm not looking at your face while I tell you you're a jerk" thing.  Anyway, I think it's over.  Which is good.  Because she has cancer.  I'm sure there is something in the rule book that says you can't have a two week and one day fight with your sister who has cancer probably, right?

Which leads me to, oh yeah!  I forgot to mention my sister has cancer.  And her husband too. They actually got diagnosed within a few weeks of each other.  Crazy and scary and ugh.  They are both doing really well though, both making their way through it in good spirits.  T-bone finished up his chemo, and Ali is about to start her radiation, so, there was that.

So there's more I'm sure.  I will get to it all at some point... I'm back in it to win it.

wtf Wednesday, on a FRIDAY!

Is there a meme out there for WTF Wednesday?  If not, there totally should be, don't you think?  And I could be persuaded to make one.

And by the by, is meme pronounced "me me?"  Or "mem?"  Maybe "meem?" Mémé - like we are Fronch?  How the eff do you pronounce it?  I cannot be the only person who struggles with that.  Meme is a stupid word anyway.

I hate messing up pronunciations.  Once I said Bon Iver wrong, like "Bon Eye-ver," and someone was like, "uh, you do know that it's 'Bon E vare,' right?"  I was like, oh.  And then I felt like a dumbass.

Another time, when I was just learning about Quinoa, I asked a guy at this pretentious health food store if he knew where I could find "Kee-know-a," because jeez, that's kind of how it looks like you should pronounce it.  And he was all, "Oh, I've never heard of that before."  Like a jerk.  Then he goes, "Ohhh... you mean 'Keen-wa?'  Sure, it's right over here."  And in my head I was like, fuck you, ass.

That's my worst thing, feeling like a dumbass.

On another note, I feel very discombobulated because I accidentally put a lotion on that kind of has a fragrance that is overpowering and it is totally stuck in my nose holes and I don't even smell like myself.  Seriously.  WTF, Wednesday.   Even though it's Friday. I might need a re-shower.  

And just an observation.  Did you ever notice that there are no black emojis?  Like, why is that?  I think there's the Indian guy with the turban, but besides that, I have not seen one black emoji.  I wonder why.

Also, I am trying to reset my metabolism.  So far I think it might be working.  I'll keep you posted.  Later bloggers!

for the love of all things holy, could somebody please build me a treehouse?

Have you ever seen an adult treehouse?

Not like, an adult adult treehouse.  Nothing porny.  Just everything filled with awesomeness.  Like my own private little treehouse in the woods or something.  It needs to be fully functional.  Because I am not a huge fan of going to the bathroom outside, and chances are, I'll want to stay in my treehouse for a long enough time that I'll have to go to the bathroom.

I mean, we all know that I have an amazing bladder, but I plan on spending a lot of time in that treehouse.  So a bathroom would be great.  Also, a big cozy bed with fluffy white bedding and great pillows.  I plan on spending a lot of my time in the big cozy bed.  Again, nothing porny.  Just cozy.  And I will watch movies and read and listen to tunes and eat candy in that amazing thing.  And you know, not exactly rule out porny.  Because come on guys.  You have to admit that my treehouse would be far too awesome to not take advantage of my amazing cozy bed, pornically speaking.

That's a made up word right there.  But I think it works.

So um, anyone want to build me one of those?

i hate dinner

It is inevitable.  As inevitable as the sun coming up, or the stars coming out, or the tide doing what the tide does.  Every. Fucking. Day.

Yep, I'm referring to making dinner.

It used to make me feel like a failure at my job - you know, the job of Mom.  But damn do I hate feeding my family.

That sounds terrible.

I'm not sure what it is about dinner that gets me tense in a way that other things don't.  Lunch doesn't really  annoy me.  Breakfast - I'm all over it.  But dinner?  Ugh.  My nightmare.

The question, "what's for dinner" literally makes me feel like someone is squeezing my head in a vice.  And I do mean literally.  I am opposed to people who say literally stupidly.  But I digress...

It's not like I can't cook.  I can!  I actually like to cook.  I do enjoy it.  I think it's the pressure to provide something great every day.  Something good and tasty and healthy and like, ugh.

If I ever got a massive windfall, I think I'd hire a dinner chef.  And the chef also has to clean up after himself, in my perfect world where I receive massive windfall money.  Because obviously if the chef left a huge mess it would make the dinner taste a little sucky.  Because that's what I'd be thinking about while I was eating my great meal.  The clean up.  And who wants that, in their perfect world?

Nobody.  That's who.

intesify it

Have you ever read something that hit you in the gut?  It could be a quote, or a passage in a book...  lyrics to a song.  It happens to me all of the time.  I think I am an intense person inside.  I don't show that intensity to anyone really, it's easier to just put on the masks that you need to put on to get through.  A lot of times the things that hit me hardest are really intense.

I was going though my notes app, and I found this quote that I copied down some time ago.  I don't know where I got it, just that it must have hit me enough to copy it down.  I want to get it out of my notes, because I need to.  So I am putting it here.

"While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes,' before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you."

Nah, that's not intense at all.

sweetest goodbye

...pushing forward and arching back

bring me closer to heart attack

say goodbye and just fly away

when you come back

i have some things to say

how does it feel to know you never have to be alone

when you get home?

there must be someplace here that only you and i could go

so i can show you how i

dream away every day

try so hard to disregard

the rhythm of the rain that drops

and coincides with the beating of my heart

i'll never leave you behind

or treat you unkind

i know you understand

and with a tear in my eye

give me the sweetest goodbye

that i ever, ever, ever did receive