Wednesday, March 11, 2015

and THIS is why I can't maintain a blog

So it's 2:17 in the afternoon and I didn't take a shower or brush my teeth and there is a half of a cup of coffee on the table next to me, just all cold and sitting there.  I think that I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch.

I'm pretty sure I might have to pee but I'm currently mushed in that "semi-permanent couch indentation that occurs after sitting for a shit-ton of hours in the same spot on the couch" indentation.

I am in this position solely because I was thinking I should start to be a good blogger again, so I got on my computer at like 10 am-ish or something ridiculous like that and then I accidentally never got up.  Because Internet!  I mean, there's so much to do on here!  Sheesh, I almost forgot.

Then I was on pinterest looking at recipes and I found approximately 897 thousand things that I would like to make for lunch, so I pinned them all on my "THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE FOR LUNCH" board,  but of course I never actually made them.  I just gazed longingly at Avocado and Spicy Goat Cheese Tacos and Smoky Sweet Potato Burgers w/ Roasted Garlic Cream & Avocado (I really like avocados) and continuously moved on to the next fabulous food-thing to pin.  For four hours.

Then I moved on to things that I could make for dinner, except I can't make them because I didn't get my ass showered so I could go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the things to make for dinner.  

So now I have just under 59 tabs open on my computer and I am so confused.  Do I shower?  Do I throw together a shitty lunch?  Brush my grimy teeth?  Maybe attempt to get to the store before I have to get the kids from school?  Eat a Twix???  I don't even know!!!

This is shameful guys.  I actually can't believe that I am confessing this behavior to all of you zero readers out there.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

a strong upper lip, among other dental-ish things

Every time my husband goes to the dentist, he'll call me proudly on the way home and tell me all of the wonderful things that the dentist and/or hygienist said to him during his check up.

"Proudly" because they are all compliments.  Well, uncomfortably strange oral weirdisms in my opinion, but definitely compliments in his eyes.  

The last time he went to the dentist, the hygienist told him that he had a "strong upper lip," and also a "firm tongue."  These are things I am pretty sure I will hear about for the rest of my life.  Because those are very exciting things apparently.  Also, who says that?  Who says "Wow, you really have a strong upper lip?"  The hygienist may have been trying to put the moves on him with the firm tongue thing, because it could be construed as a euphemism.  I'm not at all concerned because she has very short boy hair and that's not his thing.  Also, he never has cavities.

About fifteen years ago, he was so excited because the hygienist said, and I quote, "Stains?  Zero!" regarding his teeth with gusto.  Gusto, I tell you.  He was so excited.  He loves that he has zero stains on his teeth so much that fifteen or so years later I am still reminded.  I am still reminded often of his stainless teeth.  Sometimes, when he writes a card to me he will write, "To: Stains, From: Zero" on the envelope.  Probably so I will know who the card is from, but in code.  Except now I am informing the whole www, so it isn't exactly a private code anymore. 

I think it's because he had baby bottle mouth when he was little.  You know those sad little yucky teeth that your baby will get if you let them drink a bottle of milk in bed that the pediatrician warns you of?  That's a real thing guys.  The sad yucky teeth is real!  And my husband had them!  Thank Cod he now has zero stains and zero cavities because I am certain that adult baby bottle mouth would have been a deal breaker.  Because I am a little shallow like that.

ANYway*, I went to the dentist yesterday and all went smoothly.  Going to the dentist is not my cup of tea.  Did I ever tell you that my regular dentist fired me twice?  One time I convinced him to take me back, but the second time he didn't.  Then I picked a cuter dentist in his office that I always kind of had a crush on instead.  Or should I say, he picked me.  Because one day I asked him a simple question about a tooth-thing I was experiencing during one of Brooke's appointments after the big and shameful second firing incident, and he made me hop in the chair and get my tooth looked at.  Because he is so nice and petite.

Then he said he would be my new dentist and I said "phew" to myself.

I really like my dentist.

*you know how sometimes people say "anyways" with an "s" at the end?  Like they make "anyway" plural?  That irks me and it should definitely irk you too.  Because it is dumb.  

Friday, March 6, 2015

is it smaller than a breadbox?

My BIL John has a theory on how to tell if a guy is gay or not.  Because apparently it's important to know.  Anyway, John has a lot of theories on a lot of things and however outlandish, he is unfortunately (almost) always proven right.  And to be perfectly honest with you, John's innate ability to pick out a person's sexuality is pretty incredible.  He might be pretty close to 10 for 10, in our circle of people.  And I'm sure once the other guys that are iffy come out, he'll be 12 for 12.

Not that we typically sit around trying to guess a person's sexual orientation, because truthfully, it means nothing to me.  I am 150% a "to each his own" kind of girl.  But I definitely can't help but be impressed with John's accuracy in labeling.

So anyway, in case you have anyone in your life that you think could be on the fence and you are really curious but don't have the guts (or frankly, the rudeness) to ask, I'll share some of John's criteria.  Of course this bulleted list isn't 100% indicative of homosexuality, but you can use it as a guide.

  • The fact that he is married to a person of the opposite sex means nothing
  • If he has a dog, the dog is smaller than a breadbox
  • He lives alone and has cats
  • He has a male "roommate"
  • He dresses really well and is into fashion
  • He is very fit and into his body/looks
  • He wears tight, formfitting shirts and jeans
  • He is involved in the theater or another creative field
  • He may sound feminine, use feminine gestures and have feminine mannerisms

I've kind of recently discovered that there is a whole subculture of gay men out there, completely different than the stereotypical feminine looking/acting gay guy.  This recent discovery is about to blow John's theory completely out of the water, and I love to prove John wrong, or get him to question his theories.  Because the majority of John's gay criteria involves the more stereotypical sort of feminine gay guy.

Have you ever heard of the slang term "bear" regarding gay men?  I guess it refers to more masculine looking gay men who tend to be heavy-set or muscular and kind of hairy.   I bet those big hairy guys have dogs bigger than a breadbox, and I know that they don't look all perfect and fit in their tight jeans.  There are annual events, like Bear Festivals and Bear Runs and apparently there are even Bear Clubs.  Apparently there isn't much of an awareness of bears outside of the gay community.  Who knew?

Since I am so knowledgeable and smart and socially aware, I am looking forward to sharing this interesting info with John.  Come to think of it, the next time my cousin and his partner are around, I am definitely going to ask them if they know any bears.