quitter

I didn't formally make any New Year's resolutions.  Every year, I start January filled with hope of a "fresh start" and a "new beginning," and blahblahblah.  And then, I pretty much never complete anything significant on my resolution list.

It's like, you put all of this pressure on yourself to do all of the things you procrastinate about or hate, but you expect yourself to achieve these things all at once - you're basically bound to fail.  Especially if you have my personality disorder, which is a giver-upper before fail-er.  I wonder if there is an actual term for that.  Maybe I should make one up.

For the most part, I am a quitter.  I hate to fail.  But I never really recognized that giving up or quitting before failing was actually failure in itself.

I'm not sure what it would take to motivate myself to make certain changes that I really want and need to make in my life.

The thing I need to get over is that giant fear of failure.  I guess my old therapist would have said, so what if you do fail?  Who cares, really?  Besides me, anyway I guess.  But it matters if I care, right?

Right about now I am so craving some time alone.  I need to get away from responsibilities and just clear my brain.  I've been sleeping kind of sucky lately.  I need to just think and make decisions and figure things out.  Everything is hard.  I need to figure out where to go.







there's something about you
it's hard to explain
there's something inside you, boy
and you're still the same