See, the thing is, I pretty much consider myself Alex's wife, not his mother. He's a grown man, and the only thing that I am going to tell him he is allowed to do is make his own decisions. If he wants to go grab a beer downstreet and watch a game at the bar, what do I care? Actually, the only thing that I care about is him not driving after he's had a beer or two, but otherwise, what's the big deal?
Alex recently said to me, "Thanks for letting me go to the game." I was like, "Don't ever say that to me again. I didn't let you do anything!" Here's how it works with us: he asks me if I care if he does something, and I say yes I care or no I do not care. And then he makes a decision. Like a big boy.
There have been plenty of times that I have cared - typically, I care if whatever it is that he wants to do majorly conflicts with something else, or if I am seriously wiped out and need a break. But Alex ultimately makes his own decision (with my input) and I do the same. I wholeheartedly believe that it's really really healthy for spouses to have things that they do with their friends, that they don't have to be chained to each other 24/7. That it's OK to have outside interests.
Like really, I'm not too interested in going to see a football game and it's no skin off of my nose if he wants to go off and tailgate and hang with his friends. Just like he could care less if I wanted to spend the day at an auction or wandering through book stores, or going out to dinner and drinks with my friends. Obviosuly if I asked him to join me he would, but it doesn't threaten him to watch me walk out the door without him.
Once I remember having a conversation with this lady, and she proceeded to list all of the things her husband wasn't allowed to do. I was appalled. First I was thinking that I really felt sorry for her man because he had to put up with such a control freak, and then I was thinking, really lady? Really? Who are you? Why would our husband's need rules? They are not our children.
I mean, I don't exactly appreciate the thought of my husband going to a nudie bar or something, because I kind of think it's inappropriate for a married guy to be out ogling naked women, but I wouldn't ever tell him that I forbid it. I would absolutely tell him that it makes me uncomfortable and that I wouldn't like it. But from there it is entirely his decision.
Because he is a grown up.
One of the things that this lady's man wasn't allowed to do was speak to specific women. Again, I was like omfg really? In a million years, if my husband forbid me to do something, I would probably freaking do it and give him the finger while doing it just because I hate people telling me what to do. I know for a fact that I would dig my heals in and be like, you can't tell me not to blahblahblah.
And seriously, if you have to forbid your partner from speaking to specific people, clearly there is a huge lack of trust there. And the real question should be, why are you with someone that you can't trust? And also, why is your partner such a wimp that they allow you to give them rules?? Honestly, I can't stand wimpy guys. I would much rather a man who stands up for himself than lays down and meekly accepts that kind of thing. Because nobody is the boss of me. And the only people I am the boss of are my kids. And that's only temporary.
To me, marriage = partners.
Huh. Go figure. That turned into an unexpected rant. Sorry guys.
