So, I got motorboated in public

Oh, yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. A guy completely put his face in my boobs. Like, a guy that isn't my husband or like, Liev Schrieber. 

CAN YOU BELIEVE SOMEONE WOULD DO THAT?

Like, what in God's name would give a person that I'm barely an acquaintance with, the impression that I was all like, come hither and mash your face in my boobs? While I am standing at a bar next to my daughter and brother-in-law, basically looking at your wife across the room. That actually happened, guys.

Am I missing something? Maybe that's normal nowadays... I really don't get out much..

So obviously I was appalled and like, completely taken by surprise. As one would be in that situation, I imagine. And then I was like, OMG get away from me, haha. Haha.

Like, I was embarrassed or something for being appalled. In that instant I totally got what it felt like to be a girl who was just groped, but I was the one worried about looking like a jerk, so I laughed it off.

How many women do that? Like, we are so conditioned to be polite or something, that we allow shit like that to happen? That's fucking ridiculous. Come to think of it, I've absolutely been in similar situations many times over the years, unfortunately. What gives someone the idea that that's even a little bit ok?

I mean really, in no uncertain terms was I giving this guy vibes that I would be into that. I barely even noticed his presence, except you know, vaguely taking note of who was around. I was just standing there innocently chatting with friends. I was definitely not eyeballing randoms and mentally inviting them into my personal space.

By no means am I making any excuses for this dude, but he was super drunk. He had just done a few shots (bought me and my husband one, actually) after a long day of drinking, and apparently he thought it was cool to grab the butts of several women at the bar, and get up close and personal with my private body without my permission. AND he actually looked down my shirt. AND I didn't even have a nice bra on! AND I really, really don't like people in my space. What a totally inappropriate, loser jack-ass thing to do. 

About the bra thing, listen. I wasn't planning on going out to a bar and being all sexy. I was being a good citizen and I went to pick up my husband, sisters and brothers-in-law because they had all been drinking. They called me and I just threw something on quick, not expecting to want to hang out. Then of course I got there and actually had fun, so I stuck around a little bit. In my non-sexy bra.

So anyway, I'm mad at my reaction to something so uncool.

And also, to the people who give me a hard time because I don't go out much? THAT.  That right there is one really good reason.

When does it become appropriate to smoke pot with your kid?

I'd like to think never.

I mean, whenever if I ever were to smoke pot, I'd be laughing at dumb things and swearing like a sailor and staring off into space thinking about weird existential things for extended periods of time. Like time and space. Not that that ever happened before.

But the question is, do I really want my kids to see me like that?

Well. Other than all of the times they regularly see me laughing at dumb stuff and staring off into space, I mean.

I ask this question because recently a kid I know came in and told me a story about how they went home with a buddy on a lunch break, and smoked a little pot in the garage. The kid was all freaked out when his buddy's father came in, because that is an appropriate response when a parent snags you mid-toke, wouldn't you think?

But no. The buddy's dad just joined right on in there and was like, "pass me the bowl, dude." And to make matters MORE strange, the step-mom and young sibling came rolling in just hanging out like it was a normal, every day thing.

Huh.

That was a bit of a shocker. It never occurred to me that regular people would do such a thing.

For the record, I am pro-marijuana.

Yes, yes I am. Sorry if that changes your opinion of me. It bugs me that it's not legal. I've read so much about people who have been helped with medicinal marijuana, and like, why can't I decide if I want to smoke pot or not? I also am fine with recreational marijuana. I just think there should be rules, much like the rules of alcohol consumption. Age requirements, being under the influence and driving, etc.

What do you guys think?

A brief and slightly snotty English lesson

I've (mostly) stopped being such a grammar policewoman. 

Mostly, with some good meds, I've learned to let a lot of annoying shit slide right off my back. For the most part, I maybe only inwardly cringe a little bit when I hear someone say something that makes them look and sound like a non-English speaking moron.

To be clear, I never vocally call someone out on their dumb grammatical or punctuational error. (I think I just made up the word punctuational. But I'm sticking with it because I like it) 

One time, someone looked at me like I was a moron when I pronounced "Quinoa" wrong. Well!! It was the first time I had ever heard of that shit! It was right at the height of the quinoa craze! How was I to know??

Jeez. What a little pretentious jerk.

I was like, "Excuse me, where do you keep the KEE-NO-A?"

And that smug asshole was all, "I've never heard of it."

So I was genuinely puzzled, because it was a health food place, so I was like, "Really? I think it's like rice or something?"

And he goes, with a jerky smirk, "Ohhh... you mean KEEN-WA."

"Well OBVIOUSLY, ASSHOLE. Just tell me where that shitty stuff is and never talk to me again!" OK, I didn't actually say that. I just conveyed it with my eye daggers and followed the asshole to the KEEN-WA.

I'd like to think my eye daggers penetrated.

Once, before I had really heard much of them, someone corrected the way I wrongly pronounced Bon Iver. Which made we want to punch their stupid smug face. (In case you didn't know, it's pronounced BON E VARE)

Why do people have to be all jerky like that?

So anyway, I really only feel my teeth clench in a few instances now, grammatically speaking.Because I actively try not to sweat the small stuff.

It truly, TRULY bothers the shit out of me when people say, "Joe and I," wrong. Let's be clear, it's not ALWAYS Joe, It can be Bob, or Tim, or you know, Raphael. My point is guys, you're saying it WRONG. And holy crap I might be silently judging you if you speak like this. And if you're my kid, I am VERBALLY judging you. 

For example: "Me and Joe went to the store today." Would you think this is correct, or not correct?

It is NOT correct, dummy. It is a very simple thing, and I will teach you right now. All you have to do is break down the sentence. Just go ahead and break that shit down.

"Me went to the store. And Joe went to the store." 

DOES THAT SOUND RIGHT?? 

No, no it does not. Because "Me" cannot go to the store. Because "me" is a dumbbell. The correct way to say it would be, "Joe and I went to the store."

Because, let's break it down here: "Joe went to the store. And I went to the store." And see that?? It makes sense! See?! I taught you something. I could be a god damned English teacher.

Another horrible, horrible offense, which is directly related, would be something like, "Are you coming to the store with Joe and I?" Would you think this is correct? I can see where you might be a little confused, but it is the same concept guys. Just go ahead and BREAK THE SENTENCE DOWN.

Are you coming to the store with Joe? Are you coming to the store with I? NO, no you are not. Because that makes no sense. Right? Right???

The question would be: "Are you coming to the store with me and Joe?" Because I want to know if you are coming with ME, and if you are coming with JOE.  Not I and JOE. ME and JOE.

Omg I have a little tension headache. I have to take a break from our little English lesson before I have an aneurysm. 

I always wanted to be an English teacher, but maybe it would have been the wrong profession. I'm sure it would be frowned upon if you called your students "dummy."

Sorry. not sorry. SORRY.

silently judgey vegans and vegetarians and Whole Foods

Usually I only go to Whole Foods for a specific thing. Because really, who does their regular grocery shopping there? Pale vegans who are silently judging me for forgetting to bring recyclable bags? Snooty vegetarians who are eyeballing me with disgust for having chicken wing sauce on my earlobe?

Definitely rich, pale vegans and snooty vegetarians who drive Range Roovers. Because lets face it, it really is so expensive there!

Unfortunately going in for one specific obscenely expensive healthy thing pretty much always ends up with more than one obscenely expensive and healthy thing, and me walking longingly through the salad bar/deli/bakery area. Because guys, there really is so much there that looks great.

Sometimes I will cave and get some ready-to-eat food, like pistachio shortbread cookies or something. That's ready to eat, right? Maybe they don't exactly fall into the healthy category, but you say tomato.

So anyway, despite the fact that I just slightly made fun of vegans and vegetarians, I've been shockingly and strongly considering going vegetarian.

I've been reading about how much healthier it is, and I've got to do something to get healthier. Plus, you know, it does make me feel shitty knowing how the animals that we eat are generally treated. I try not to think about it it too much, but really. I will say that I actually do make a pretty big effort to get free range meat and wild caught fish and stuff.

Megan went vegetarian for a year, then took a little break. She was having relentless cravings for some chicken wings, so she fell off the wagon. She recently started up again. It's kind of a pain, worrying about making different meals, or adjusting things, but I do admire her dedication, and also, she actually makes her own stuff a lot.

The problem is, Alex has been on a no carb kick for a few months. So like, wtf am I supposed to make for dinner that everyone can eat?? No meat, because Megan, but no pasta, because Alex. I'm pretty much effed. I've been like a short order cook and that is my nightmare.

I still think I'm going to try. I wonder if I'll turn into one of those judgey vegetarians if I eliminate meat. Will I give the side-eye if Alex brings home a big fat drippy steak or something? 

Eh, probably not. I'm not a judgey kind of person. I do my own thing, and really feel like more power to you for doing yours. 

Anyway, maybe I will start tomorrow because I have some fantastic looking chicken salad that I was planning on eating for lunch. That might not be the right attitude, but sorry. That chicken salad keeps looking at me every time I open the fridge. We all know I have terrible will power.

october and picking apples and hiking, empty nest style

How can your average person tell that it's October?

That's right, PUMPKIN SHAPED PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, GUYS!

Those little cuties are by far the best shaped peanut butter cups. Let's all just face it, they definitely have the best peanut butter to chocolate ratio. Mmmm

Also pumpkins! And mums! And an abundance of city people slumming it upstate to go apple picking for cute fall-ish Instagram posts to ooh and aah over.

That was rather cynical sounding of me wasn't it?  Sorry. No offense.

But really.

I live near so many great farms and orchards.  Right now I have overflowing bags of fresh apples in my kitchen. I can't get enough of them. I've actually got some crockpot applesauce cooking right now. Not sure if anything could smell any better than that.

Last weekend Alex and I went off apple picking like weird little empty nesters. Like, it was so strange not having any kids with us. Both of the girls were off doing their own things with their friends, and of course Alex is away at college, so we went for it. Just the two of us. We took a nice ride in the country to this awesome orchard that has corn mazes and tractor rides and hay slides and stuff. We definitely felt like the minority because most people there had little kids with them.

We also felt kind of free and nice, doing our own thing. My favorite thing about the orchard that we went to is the fresh, hot cider donuts. All cinnamon-y and warm... SO GOOD, not even kidding. Besides a huge bag of apples, we picked raspberries and strawberries and got some fresh pressed apple cider and mini pumpkins. Not much better than that! It was pretty fun.

After hitting the farm, we went to a really cool spot for a picnic lunch and a good hard hike. It was such a gorgeous day. The place has all of these awesome rock faces and cool trails, but on a really nice day, it can get a little crowded. As nice as it was with just us, I definitely missed having the kids there. I like my kids, they really are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. 

Maybe we'll take them there next weekend. I'll definitely need another bag of those donuts..